Once a Fragile Design

I knocked on the bus belonging to Rocket, waiting for someone to open the door with tears streaming down my face. I knocked again but still no one came. I fell to the ground, back against a tire crying into my hands. I can’t believe I said that to Kennedy. I just confessed what’s been eating at my heart all day and I still don’t feel better.

“Roxie?” I looked up, through blurry eyes and saw a pair of translucent green eyes staring at me. I felt my heart drop. Why was John here? I tried to wipe away my tears but I couldn’t, they just kept falling. “Come ‘ere,” he whispered grabbing both of my shoulders, pulling me into a hug. I cried into his shoulder until I couldn’t cry anymore.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, looking at the tear stains on his shirt. He shook his head.

“Don’t worry about it.” He smiled and I bit my lip. I shouldn’t even be talking to him. It wouldn’t be fair to Acey, not like I feel fair in the first place. I still like him and Kennedy knows.

“Kennedy told you what I said, didn’t he?” I couldn’t even look at him. I felt horrible and disgusted with myself.

“No, actually, I heard what you said,” he gave me a look full of sympathy. I wanted to throw up. I can’t believe he heard what I said. I probably look horrible in his eyes. A backstabbing whore. “Come on, let’s go for a walk.” John stood up, grabbing my hands and pulling me up with him. We began walking; we didn’t talk until I just couldn’t take it.

“You’re not disgusted with me that I’m in love with you and I just broke your best friend’s heart?” John stopped to look at me. I couldn’t tell the emotion behind his eyes, they seemed so conflicted. He sucked in a deep breath and took a seat on the curb.

“It would be kind of stupid if I was disgusted with you, Rox, considering I just broke your best friend’s heart. We both should be disgusted with each other, but are we?” I didn’t answer him, I just awkwardly stood there. He patted the curb next to him and I sat down. He pulled the pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered me one. I mumbled a thank you before lighting it. “I don’t know why I like her so much.”

“Why shouldn’t you John? You practically didn’t like any other girl but her; you didn’t even look at another girl like you looked at her.” I spat, not meaning to sound as harsh as I did but he shrugged.

“I should have though, Roxie, then maybe I’ll be with you and my heart wouldn’t be so torn like it is now. She’s a coward, she lies and she’s blunt about things I wish she wasn’t blunt about. She has a lot of flaws, flaws I don’t think I can handle.” I almost choked on the smoke I was inhaling. Did he mean this or is he just saying this because he didn’t know about Zack.

“John, you don’t mean this.” I whispered, exhaling the smoke looking at him with a serious face. He shook his head, looking at me with the same face. “Then why did you fucking love her?” I asked, clenching my teeth. I could be with you, I wanted to add but decided against it.

“Loved, past tense, she really fucked me up. I realized that she couldn’t care for me the way I cared for her. That spot was already taken. It was always taken. I dug myself into this deep hole and I can’t believe it took me this long to get out.”

We sat in silence. I had no idea what to say to him. All of this is surprising. Was Acey really this bad that John is saying this? And why am I here with John? I should be trying to tell Kennedy that I’m sorry. Thinking about him brings tears to my eyes and I know John caught them.

“Did you mean it when you said you love me?” I felt my jaw drop. He did hear everything. I felt my stomach do flips when my eyes met his. My heart pounded against my chest when I nodded. The cigarette almost slipped from my fingers when he grabbed my free hand with his. He laced our fingers together and I felt my breathing hitch. “I need you to be 100% honest with me.” I nodded.

“Of course.”

“Is it a possibility that one day, not now or next week but possibly soon, we can be together? That you’ll be faithful as I will be faithful, you will love me as much as I love you. Will you Roxie?” His hand squeezed mine and I nodded. “Thank you.” He whispered our hands still together, and we sat in silence again. I looked up to the sky and I could barely make out the stairs. I breathed through my nose deeply before closing my eyes and leaning back so I lay against the sidewalk. John followed suit and I looked over as he looked over. He smiled an actual smile, one that made the sides of his eyes crinkle and I felt my lips mimic his. I felt happy.

I didn’t think of the faces of Kennedy or Acey. How broken they’ll look if they see us now. No, I thought about John and I. It felt so wrong that in a way it was right. I felt myself laugh at my previous thought and John’s brow furrowed. “What?” He asked very confused.

“This is so wrong, we’re going to hurt two of our best friends but at the same time, it feels so right. So Wrong, It’s Right; All Time Low got one thing right.” John began laughing, agreeing with me before we fell into silence again. This time it wasn’t interrupted by either of us. Instead we heard footsteps coming closer to us at a fast pace, I sat up with John following and our hands pulled apart when we noticed Pat and Jared.

“Hey, guys, have you seen Kennedy or Acey?” I shook my head, standing up acting worried. They were fine. “Well Tim said its bus call.” Pat smiled before walking away as Jared lingered a bit giving both John and I a look. John rolled his eyes.

“Did they really think I care where Acey is?” I bit my lip looking up at John. He looked at me, his face softening when he noticed the tears that began to form. “Roxie, what’s wrong?”

“They don’t know, John, no one but you, Acey, me and Kennedy know about what I said to Kennedy. Everyone will be so confused when I’m not kissing him or touching him and instead, I’m with you. They’re going to expect you and Acey to make up too.” I sighed, a tear fell down my cheek and John grabbed my shoulders.

“They’re going to figure it out, Roxie, who cares what’s going to happen? All that matters to me is that I finally know the truth.” I just nodded when John kissed my forehead, our fingers lacing together once again and we walked back to the bus. We were almost there when we heard someone yell, "Oh, thank God! I found them!" John and I hurried to see Garrett standing quite still; I craned my neck a bit to see Acey and Kennedy standing close together; their lips swollen like they’ve been kissing. I felt my jaw drop. John and my hands were still together when Garrett turned around to see us. His jaw dropped even more.

“What the fuck is going on?” He asked looking between John and I and Kennedy and Acey. I kept my eyes on Kennedy as he glared at John, John glared at Kennedy and Acey stared at me. Everything was so messed up. “Okay, everyone on the bus, we’re going to talk about this.” Garrett shook his head, walking past John and I. Kennedy and Acey stood rooted in their spot, I didn’t want to move until John began to drag me towards the bus.

John and I sat down next to each other on the couch in the kitchen area; Garrett began whispering with Jared and Pat who sat at the table. Kennedy and Acey began stumbling through, reeking of rum and they sat across from John and I. No one spoke. Time ticked slowly and the tension thicker than it was outside.

“Okay, last I checked, John was being a real douche to Acey. First he calls her a whore and she leaves. Roxie, you were a good friend and got her back, and then you and Kenny were together. What happened while we were all hanging with fans?” Garrett asked, Pat and Jared looked between us all. My eyes darted to the floor.

“Roxie said she’s in love with John. Not me. It was never me.” Kennedy slurred angrily. I looked up with tears in my eyes. His anger hurt me.

“Well at least she won’t lie to me.” John spat, his eyes cutting to Acey who flinched. No one spoke then. Tim walked through from the bunk area with two bags in his hands. They looked a lot like Acey’s and mine. I felt my heart drop.

“Well this tour has been nothing but drama, so girls, I love you and all but you have to go home. Acey we can find a replacement; I’ll need you to email me all your pictures when you’re done. And Roxie, I’ll take over merching until I can find a replacement. You leave tomorrow, after the set. But for now, go sleep either with Rocket, Boys like Girls or Versa.” Acey didn’t speak, she ripped her back from Tim’s hand and stormed off the bus. Kennedy went to get up and go after her but Garrett stopped him. I slowly stood up, not looking at anyone, grabbing my bag and walking away.

“Tim, you’re an asshole.” John growled before the door closed behind me and I began walking to Rocket’s bus. This whole day as been so fucked up.