Ash Over Seas

When I had returned home that night I had checked my phone to see that I had several missed calls and messages from Jacob, all wanting to ensure that I was okay.

I didn’t have the heart to answer him.

As soon as we’d made it through the door, having picked up Ari and Pan from school, I had retreated to my room like a coward while my father explained the situation to them. When I heard my door softly open several hours later, I had feigned sleep until I heard it softly click shut once more.

In school the next day Jacob had reprimanded me for not answering and taken me into his arms in a relieved embrace. He had then demanded that we retire to the library that afternoon to work on our project, which—luckily—had been moved to Friday.

I sighed, tapping my nails on the desk that was hidden in the farthest corner of the library as I waited for him to arrive, listening vaguely as Kim chattered through my phone at me.

“I just don’t get it!” she sighed in frustration after I had denied, once again, that I had any feelings for Jacob.

“What isn’t there to get? If I don’t like him like that, then I don’t like him like that. It seems pretty simple to me,” I said, peering out the window at the lightly drizzling rain.

“But what about the kiss?” she protested and my eyes widened.

“How did you know about that?”

She scoffed and I could imagine her rolling her eyes. “You forget that I’m dating Jared. The pack can read each other’s minds, remember? News spreads fast; I knew the day after it happened.”

“Whatever, Kim, it was a lapse in judgment. It didn’t mean anything. There is nothing between Jacob and I, and everyone needs to just let it go.”

“Ugh, you just don’t understand!” she cried hopelessly.

“Then make me understand.”

“I wish I could,” she said bitterly. “But that’s really Jacob’s responsibility. He really just needs to grow a pair and do it.”

I looked up to see Jacob approaching with a slight scowl on his face.

“I think he heard you,” I muttered before snapping the phone shut and smiling shyly at him. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s fine,” he grumbled. “Kim’s mouth is too big for her to handle sometimes.”

“True. So shall we get started then?”

He nodded and I flipped my laptop open, clicking on a new Word document as we began to pore over our textbooks, picking out citations here and there as we developed the essay as best we could.

It wasn’t until page five that Jacob seemed to pull from our silence and muttered suggestions. He had been fidgeting the whole time and had finally seemed to reach a breaking point as his hand came determinedly down on the table.

“She’s right, though,” he muttered to himself as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “Okay.” He seemed to be psyching himself up for something.

“Everything all right, Jake?” I asked as I peered up through my curtain of hair at his strained expression.

“No… I mean I don’t know… it will be in a second… I think.”

I frowned, waiting for him to continue and preparing for the worst.

“Look, I really like you, okay?” he blurted out in frustration as his piercing eyes met mine, which widened in shock as I gulped audibly.

“Oh…” I murmured, fidgeting uncomfortably. I was glad no one was within range to witness what was going on.

“Come on, Colby. You can’t tell me you have no feelings whatsoever toward me,” he argued. “There has to be something.”

His pained expression made me want to break from my act right there and throw myself at him, but I remembered my appointment yesterday and determined that this wasn’t right for him.

“I’m sorry, Jake,” I said emotionlessly. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

He scoffed. “I want you to say that you want more than this!” he said, gesturing between us. “I want to be with you, I thought that much was apparent!”

“It was,” I said softly, staring down at my fidgeting hands.

“Can you honestly tell me you have no romantic feelings for me at all?” he asked quietly, placing his large hand over both my own.

I bit my lip, shaking my head hopelessly as I took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry, Jake. We can never be more than friends. Really, you should try to move on,” I whispered, keeping my voice as level as possible.

“I can’t!” he cried in anguish as he buried his hands in his hair, his elbows crashing to the table in frustration. “I’ll never be able to!”

“Jake, that’s ridiculous,” I said, trying to speak through the lump that was now suffocating me. I knew this wasn’t going to be good for my condition but I needed to clear things up once and for all.

“Is it?” he barked wryly. “Is it really?”

I bit my lip, unsure of what to say so I chose not to answer. He let out a harsh breath, shaking his head as his fingers pulled at his roots.

“So that kiss meant nothing to you?”

My stomach dropped and I clutched my arms around it, hoping the action would bring me comfort, and when it didn’t, I took a deep, steadying breath.

“It was a lapse of judgment, Jake, I’m sorry. It was a mistake.”

“You don’t meant that,” he whispered, shaking his head in disbelief.

“I’m sorry.”

“No,” he argued. “You have to like me; you have to feel something!”

“Says who?”

“Says nature!” he cried, cursing as my brows creased in confusion.

“Look, there’s something I’ve never told you about what I am. Something that happens to us shape shifters that I probably should have told you about months ago.”

I paused. “This… is what Kim was talking about, wasn’t it?”

He nodded, taking another deep breath. “Look, there’s this thing… with werewolves… we call it imprinting,” he said slowly, eyeing me for my reaction. “It’s… basically it’s like finding your other half; the person you're meant to be with. As soon as you see them it’s like they're the only thing in the world that matters and your whole purpose in life becomes making them happy, no matter what the cost. Colby, I’m always going to be in love with you.”

My breath caught in my lungs as he said those last words.

Water pooled in the back of my eyes and I felt a stinging in the back of my throat as I tried to hold back the sob that threatened to escape. I could barely breathe.

This wasn’t fair.

“You….”

“Imprinted on you, yes,” he said calmly, his eyes begging me to give in.

I scrunched my eyes shut. “So you’ll… forever?” I asked weakly, unable to even speak that word.

“Yes,” he assured me, taking my now cold hand in his.

“No.” My voice broke as I took my hand back, shaking my head. “You shouldn’t be forced to love me. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.”

“But this is how it’s supposed to be,” he pleaded in anguish, taking my hand once again.

“No, you must be mistaken. You can’t have imprinted on me; how could I possibly be meant for you?”

I wanted to add ‘when I’m likely going to die within the next year’ but thought better of it. I was too much of a coward to confess that to him.

“Colby, how could you not be? You're perfect in every way.”

I shook my head vigorously. If only he knew. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for what I was about to do.

“You said… you said you would do anything, no matter the cost,” I whispered, staring down at our laced fingers. “To make me happy?”

He nodded, his eyes radiating his sincerity and I forced myself to look away.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore,” I whispered, pulling my hand from his once more as I began to tremble.

“What?” he cried in shock. “Colby, no! No, you can’t.”

“You won’t be able to move on otherwise,” I said as I shoved my things in the bag and stood abruptly, trying to keep my balance while my legs felt like they might collapse under me.

“I won’t be able to move on! Didn’t you just hear what I said!?”

“You’d have to eventually, anyway. I’m sorry, Jake,” I said shakily as I moved to brush past him.

I wasn’t surprised when his arm reached out and gripped my own, preventing me from exiting as he brought me back to stand in front of him.

“You can’t do this to me,” he whispered fiercely, his voice thick with pain and I could see the moisture forming in his eyes. “I can’t do this… not again.”

“Jake, one of these days, when I’m long gone, you're going to find someone who’ll—“

“I don’t want to find someone! Colby, why are you doing this?” he pleaded, his hands grasping the sides of my face desperately as his wet eyes bored into mine.

“I’m doing this for you,” I murmured. “It’s better this way.”

“I can’t do this without you. I need you, and don’t tell me you don’t need me because I know you do!”

“Jake—“

“Don’t!”

I stumbled back several steps as his lips crashed onto mine. His arms were right there and ready to catch me as he pulled me in close to him. My façade cracked and for the tiniest moment I felt myself returning his kiss, memorizing everything I could about how his scorching lips felt against mine.

I gathered the strength to push him away from me and stumbled again, brushing past him successfully this time as I bolted for the door and out into the street, tears flowing freely down my face.

The rain wasn’t heavy enough to be any risk, but the rollercoaster I’d just experienced was and I had hardly made it to the bottom of the steps before I’d collapsed onto a bench in exhaustion, sobs wracking my body.

A cold wind swept around my frame and I coughed violently, bringing my elbow to my mouth to muffle the noise. I sniffled and nearly vomited in panic as I pulled my arm away and saw several splotches of red on my sleeve.

I heard heavy footsteps behind me, and Jacob calling my name as he rushed down to me. I quickly rolled up my one sleeve, allowing the folds in the fabric to cover the red stains as he helped me to my feet.

“Colby, please, can we just talk about this? I know it’s a lot to handle but—“

“Jacob, I’ve said what I needed to say,” I murmured firmly, my coughing fit surging me with new resolve. “I cannot be anything more to you.”

“But—“

“I think it will be easier for both of us if we do not see each other anymore.”

“I—“

“I’ll finish the rest of the essay.”

“I don’t care about the fucking essay!” he protested, gripping my shoulders tightly. “I care about you.”

My stomach churned and I gripped my arms together firmly across my chest.

“I have to go,” I said quickly as I turned on my heel and made for my parked Cooper.

I climbed inside, tearing onto the road and toward my house, fighting back the coughs that were threatening to spew from my lungs.

I reached home in record time, thankful that my father wasn’t there, and bolted through the door.

I flew up the stairs, quickly slamming the door to the bathroom shut as I hunched myself over the toilet. I allowed the coughs to ravage my lungs, the sight of red tinting the clear water making me nauseous. If I had eaten anything that day I was sure it would have been purged from my stomach.

I gasped for air as another round threatened to suffocate me and I felt like sandpaper was raking against my esophagus.

“Colby!” I heard Atticus snarl harshly as his fist pounded on the locked door.

“I’m fine,” I spluttered as I spit out another mouthful of the metallic-tasting liquid, fighting back another round of tears.

“Colby, open this fucking door right now!”

I didn’t answer as another fit consumed me and barely flinched when the door slammed open, nearly flying off its hinges as my brother burst into the room.

“What the fuck, Colby?” he hissed as he fell to his knees, steadying my shoulders with his sturdy arms as he held my head upright.

“I—I’ll be fine.”

His golden eyes darkened further as he glared. “You’ve got blood dripping down your fucking face, Colby! You're not fine!”

I didn’t have the strength to argue as he helped me to my feet, his tall frame keeping me steady as he ran a glass of water under the tap.

“Rinse your mouth out. Then drink the rest,” he ordered curtly and I obeyed, feeling the liquid slowly soothing my aching throat.

As soon as I’d set the cup down I felt his arms scoop beneath my knees and back, lifting me easily into his arms as he carried me toward my room.

“Don’t tell father,” I whispered pleadingly as he laid me on the mattress, bringing the covers up over my shivering frame. My throat still felt like it was on fire.

He nodded once, staring at me for a moment before standing upright and striding from the room. My door clicked shut quietly and I immediately felt myself surrendering to the exhaustion that had been threatening to consume me since Jacob had confessed his love for me.

His love that he claimed would never fade.