Something Has Changed Within Me

“I don’t know, Garrett,” I said, staring hesitantly up at the brick building. “I’m not really much into theatre.”

This was a lie. I actually loved theatre. Watching it, that is. The actual idea of going up on stage caused me to go weak at the knees and want to pass out. All those eyes staring at me, it would be way too much for me to handle.

I’m also not too fond of theatre-people. They’re always so loud and obnoxious and not caring about other people around them. I suppose that’s what gives them the gall to perform, but I just find it annoying.

But Garrett had dragged me through the subway routes into the East Village, a potentially not-so-nice place at this time of night, and we now stood before the prominent café, The Life Café. Marie had dragged me in here once or twice, and while it was nice, it was loud and full of theatre-people who adored the musical RENT. Too many people, too much noise; not my taste.

“Well, you don’t have to like theatre. But this is one of the best cafes in the area, not to mention they make a mean mac-and-cheese.” He said reassuringly. “And besides, the place looks fairly empty. We can have a quiet conversation. Alone” I know that he was referring to our interrupted conversation earlier. The idea of it sent a shiver up my spine.

I had vaguely forgotten that our hands were still together as he stepped forward into the café. Garrett hadn’t loosened his grip on my fingers since the John incident. He was holding on for dear life as if I were about to float away.

Garrett was right; there were few people in the café. And none of them were loud. A few waitresses wiping down tables or picking up dirty dishes, an old man sat at the bar sipping contentedly on a steaming mug, a small mousy girl sat secluded in the corner, her nose in a book. The Great Gatsby, excellent choice.

He led me toward a table centered in the general center of the room. He sat down and pushed himself further into the booth, allowing me room to sit next to him. I dejectedly obliged.

A young waitress came over to us. “What can I get you two tonight?” she asked, holding a pad of paper and a pen.

“Uh, two cokes please.” Garrett requested. The girl nodded before walking away.

“I’m perfectly capable of ordering for myself.” I said, pulling my hand out of his.

“Yeah, but why waste your breath when I knew what you would like?”

“And how do you know I even like coke? For all you know, I don’t drink dark sodas.”

“Well, that wouldn’t make any sense since that’s what you were drinking at the club.”

I sighed. He had a point. Stupid point.

I crossed my arms over my chest. “So… did you like the main point of Paper Towns?”

“That being not loving someone more than you love yourself?” he asked pointedly as I set the book on the table.

“Well, that’s one of the points, but did you catch the big one? What John Green’s main focus is?”

He stared down at the book for a while, at the sad girl on the cover. I preferred this cover to its companion, the cover with a happy girl just didn’t appeal to me as much. But the two together showed how open-ended the main character really is. I often wonder if I’m that way. Able to be both happy and sad at the same time, not as black and white as simply being one emotion at once. It would be nice to have a variety at one time, how that would feel. Whether it’d be soaring, or downing.

“Was it not thinking about someone as more than a person?” I smiled. Garrett really understood. “Like how Quinton basically thought of Margo as a manic-pixie-dream-girl, when in actuality, she was just a girl.”

I happily nodded, looking down at his focus point, the book. I couldn’t understand why I was so elated over the simple idea of him understanding the point of the book.

“I suppose that a manic-pixie-dream-girl would be annoying to have, though.” Garrett said thoughtfully. He looked down at me, and my eyes slowly pointed up, looking at him. “I’d much rather just have a regular girl.”

I don’t know how it happened, and I don’t yet know how I feel about it, but Garrett’s lips were on mine, and I didn’t quite know how to pull away.

And I don’t know if I really want to.

I’d never been kissed so suddenly before. I usually expect it, see the guy slowly lowering his face down to mine and my heart begins to race and I usually either pull away or become temporarily paralyzed.

I began to move my lips against his and I could feel his lips form a smile as he deepened the kiss.

This was new for me. I would never normally react to such a sudden kiss without hesitation. Garrett was changing me. This guy, this daring, clever, adorable guy was changing me.

And I was letting him.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

I don’t know how it happened, everything was a blur. I lay here on my bed, Garrett on top of me, his body molding with mine, our tongues dancing a delicious tango, a battle for dominance, his hands on my hips and cupping my face, my fingers tangled in his hair.

I had never felt so alive.

The constant rain pounded against the windows, occasionally it was as loud as the creaking of the springs of the bed beneath us.

I had never felt so rebellious.

I was a virgin, and I was willingly giving my body to a man who I had just met a week prior. I was lost in the feel of his skin on mine, his breath on my neck, and his lips on my body.

I had never felt so high.

I could be up in the sky and still not be high enough. I could be on Mars and it would be too low. Nothing compared to being tangled in Garrett's arms.

I had never felt so in love.