Don't Hold Your Breath

I frantically paced back and forth in my living room. I couldn't sit still. Knowing my Ryan was in trouble. I think. I don't know. Maybe it wasn't him. Maybe it had to do with his father. 

Oh no. 

What if they found out? What if the police found out about Ryan's abuse and are going to take him away? 

No, no, no. They can't do that. They can't. They just can't. They wouldn't. I hope. 

I finally forced myself to sit down and attempt to calm down. A few tears escaped and ran down my cheeks. So much for calming down. I just couldn't bare it if he were to leave. I don't know what I would do. 

I just sat there. Waiting, waiting for the knock on the door. One that would let me know everything was going to be okay. And that he would stay here with me. And we would be happy and everything would be perfect. 

To bad nothing ever turns out that way. 

Because when there was a frantic knock on the door, I opened it to find the poor boy I loved with tears in his eyes that told me he was scared shitless. 

"R-Ryan, w-what's going on? What happened?" I asked as I pulled him into my arms. He didn't answer. He just looked at me. "Ryan, please tell me what's happening. You're scaring me." I tried again. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but not words came out. I sighed, annoyed with the lack of answers I was getting, and pulled him over to the couch, sitting him down. 

"Ryan...."

"I have to leave." he cut me off. He said it as if he were still in shock himself and didn't quite believe it himself.  

"Leave? W-Where? W-When?" I stuttered. Not exactly wanting to know. I knew this would happen. Because nothing ever goes my fucking way. Ever. He's leaving. Great. Knowing my luck, it's probably somewhere in another solor system. 

   He told me every little detail, from the murder to the custody issue. my heart beat just about stopped when he told me this.  "Ryan...." i spoke, tears falling  down my face. "You can't leave. I-I need you! You can't. You just can't..." i trailed off, burying my face in his shirt.  I heard him sniffle as he pulled me closer.  "You think I want to leave? I don't exactly have a choice here Brendon."

"So that's it then? You're just going to move away and leave me here behind in the dust?"

"Its only until August. Until my eighteenth birthday." He attempted to assure me. But the crack in his voice told me that he didn't exactly help himself either.

"Ill come visit." I tried. Attempting to lighten the mood a little. 

"it won't be the same." he Argued. 

"Yes it will. Don't be like that. Instead of moping around, we should be spending as much time as we can together. Your plane leaves at noon." I said trying to make myself appear stronger. Even though I felt awful inside. Like I would die. And no, that's not me being overly dramatic. 

He sniffled. Trying to bring a smile to his face. "Okay." He whispered. 

~*~

I pulled him up to my room and locked the door shut. It wasn't long before his lips were fiercely attacking mine. He pushed me onto the bed and pulled away. 

"I need something." he whispered. 

"What is it?" 

He gulped before continuing. "You." he sighed. 

"I'm yours." I whisper back. Just in time for him to reattach our lips. 

He rolled over on his back and pulled me on top of him. I then understood what he meant by "Want you." 

Soon, clothes were shed, 

Innocence was taken away in one form or another, 

And Ryan cried out in pain. 

He continuously screamed until I found the one spot that turned the screaming into incredibly, if I do say so myself, sexy moaning.

Soon, I came deep inside of him, and he spilled onto his stomach. I picked up a few tissues from the night stand, and cleaned the mess. Once that was taken care of, I crawled in bed beside him. Not Daring to let myself fall asleep. I wasn't going to loose one moment with him. 

"Thank you." he mumbled after a small silence. 

"I love you." is what I replied with. 

"I love you too." he whispered softly.

~*~

Neither of us dared fall asleep. We sat there probably the entire night just wrapped in each others arms. Just small mindless chatter. Neither one of us wanted to think about what was coming. So we didn't speak of it. We just acted like none of this was happening. For as long as we could..... Because when the sun rose, my heart sunk. And I knew I only had a few more hours left with him. At least for the next four or five months. 

I glanced down at him peacefully sleeping on my chest. I kissed him on the top of the head and his eyes fluttered open. 

"Hey." I mumbled quietly. 

"Hey." He replied. His voice a mixture of tiredness and depression. 

"Its eight o' clock. I thought maybe you might like to say goodbye to some of the guys...." I said cautiously. Not wanting to upset him by making him think of it. 

"Yeah that sounds good." His voice almost emotionless. 

"Ryan, everything is going to be okay. I'll call you every night. I'll come and visit whenever I can. And when you get back it will be like you never left. We'll move in together. Go off to college. This is just one of those things that we'll have to get through together." I ranted on, holding back tears. I didn't know if this would truly happen, it was more of a hope. A hope I would make reality. I hope......

"He lifted his head up off my chest and pulled himself up so he was looking directly in my eyes. He didn't break the gaze until he leaned forward connecting us in a passionate kiss that said nothing more than 'I love you.' This kiss brought back memories that brought tears to my eyes.


When I finally realized I loved him....

"Thank you Brendon. For everything. For lying to the cops.... For letting me stay here, for Saving my fucking life, and.... For not giving up on me." he whispered the last part. The sincerity in his voice made me want to cry. I was such a baby. I looked into his eyes, but then found my eyes traveling down to his lips. I know I shouldn't. I know it's wrong. I know I told myself I wouldn't fall for him. But I can't help myself. And if my mom hadn't walked in right then and there, I don't think I would have stopped myself from making a huge mistake. If I would have kissed him it would have ruined everything. The fact that we were finally becoming close as friends, the fact that he was beginning to trust me. Not because he had to, but because he knew he could. I didn't want to ruin that. But I couldn't help but wonder what was going through his mind at this very moment. 

The first kiss......      

"Everythings going to he okay Brendon, I promise." I stared back into his eyes for a little bit longer before I  looked down. Breaking the gaze. 

"You can't know that." was all I said. 

"Whatever happens. I promise I'll be there for you. " he murmured. My eyes became watery again. He went to embrace me, comfortingly, but the next thing I know, my lips were on his. It hadn't felt like anything I'd ever experienced before. Something about it felt right.... 
 
When we finally got together.......
 

"So... Does this mean were together now?" I looked up at him pulling my mouth up into a half smile. He held back a grin and walked over sitting on my lap and wrapping his arms around my neck. 

"Brenny do you want to be my boyfriend?" I smiled even wider if that was possible, and kissed him again. 

"Of course" I smiled up at him. 

And our first time...... Which wasn't too long ago.... But I guess I don't need to go into details with that. Or my ruined shirt.  

These memories brought tears to my eyes. He pulled away and noticed I was crying. 

"Brendon, are you okay? Did I do something wrong?" he asked. A mothery concern filling his voice. 

"No, no. I-I just love you so much." I finally mumbled through my tears.

A couple tears escaped from him as well. "I love you too." he mumbled. "Aw look what you did!" he jokingly accused wiping away his tears.

I weakly laughed and pushed him up, crawling out of bed. He didn't say anything for a while, while I dressed and picked up a little bit. I finally looked at him and he was sitting on the bed looking down. Playing with the bed sheet. I walked over and sat next to him, wrapping my arms around him. He let out a couple sobs then buried his face into my shirt.

"Bren, I don't want to go." he mumbled into my shirt between sobs. Voice cracked. I tried not to cry. I had to he strong for him. So I pulled him closer not letting him see the silent tears that fell down my face. 

"Shh. I know. It's okay-" 

"Stop saying that! Brendon, it's not okay. It won't be. Everything is screwed up." his voice cracked speaking that last part.

I pulled away from him and lifted his face so he'd look at me. But his eyes just continued looking down.  

"Ryan, look at me." I demanded. And when he finally gave in and looked me in the eyes I continued. "Listen. Everything is going to be okay. Did you not listen to a word I said before? This is just one of those things that we're going to have to get through together. And when we do we'll be even stronger. Do you hear me? Everything is going to be okay." I repeated once more. He just nodded then collapsed on top of me. I sighed and rubbed his back. "Get dressed. If Vickey doesn't get to say goodbye she'll rip my head off." 

~*~

"RYAN!! I CANT BELIEVE YOURE LEAVING!!" Vickey exclaimed just about tackling him to the ground. "What am I going to do with Brendon now that your leaving?! Now he's going to be all mopey and shit." I sighed. This was really Vicky's way of saying "Ryan I'm going to miss you. You realize that this is going to kill Brendon right?" What can I say? She's an odd one.

"Vickey! Quit hogging him up!" Frankie exclaimed pushing her out of the way and practically knocking him over again in a giant bear hug.

After a few awkward hugs and good byes from Mikey, Bob, Ray, and Gerard, he turned to Jon and Spencer. 

"Hey, um, I know we kinda got off on the wrong foot...." Spencer started. " But seeing as how you made Brendon really happy, and haven't screwed up yet, I guess you're not that bad after all." He finished looking down at the ground. 

Ryans face turned red as he spoke. "Thanks Spence." he gave him an awkward pat on the back. He then turned to Jon. 

"What he said." Jon spoke as he pointed at Spencer. Ryan laughed, and Jon pulled him in for an unexpected hug. "We'll miss you man." 

"Ill miss you guys too." he said shyly. 

Time seemed to pass too quickly. Because before we knew it, it was already time to leave. 

Ryan glanced at the clock and frowned. I followed his gaze ans sighed. 

"Well I guess it's time to go." Ryan mumbled quietly. "Sweet home Alabama, here I come." he added sarcastically. 

After final goodbyes, we headed out to my moms car, that she so graciously let me borrow, and drove to the air port. 

~*~

We stood outside the loading dock as they called his row number. We both had tears in our eyes as we looked each other in the eyes for what would be that last time, in a long time. 

"I gotta go." he mumbled pulling me into a hug. 

"I love you." I whispered "and I always will, no matter what." 

He pulled away, then kissed me one last time, ignoring the glares from the surrounding passengers.

"I have something for you. " I mumbled beneath the kiss. He pulled away and looked at me curiously. 

"What is it?" 

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a small MP3 player. Complete with a full iTunes library. He looked at me in shock as I handed it to him. 

"Youre not serious..." He started. "You know I can't accept this." 

"You can, and you will." I simply stated. 

"Why-"

"It was going to be a graduation present from me and my mother. But I figured now was a more of an appropriate time for it..." 

He kissed me on the cheek. "I love it. Thank you."

"Erm, there's a playlist on there... With songs that I chose to say.... Well to say how I feel about you." I finished with color flooding into my cheeks. It was cheesey and cliche, but he needed something to remember me by....

Last call. Now boarding passengers J - N.

"Well that's me. I better go. He kissed me on the lips one last time, picked up his bags, and exited through the doors. 

"Call me when you land!" I called after him. He turned, tears flooding down his face. He nodded and mouthed the words 'I love you.' before disappearing through the doors.