Don't Hold Your Breath

"There you boys are!" My mom exclaimed as we approached the table. "What took so long?" 

"There was a lot to get off. Sorry mom." I replied. I tried to sound a bit less depressed, but my voice came out a lot lower and quieter then I expected it too. 

"Um, that's alright honey. We went ahead and ordered for you two. I got you the breakfast special. Is that okay Ryan?"

"Yeah it's okay. Thanks." he forced a smile, I assume to avoid questions. 

Although l she didn't asks questions, she knew something was wrong. I kept catching her looking at me with worried eyes. 

The rest of the morning was very awkward and quiet. I didn't want to talk To him. I messed up, and I felt like if I were to bring It up he might chew me out. Not to mention I made myself look like a desperate idiot. I don't know how I was going to be able to deal with him spending the night again. And I couldn't just send him home, I'm not heartless, just a coward.

Though from the looks of it, I don't think he was to happy about it either. Maybe he would save me the trouble and head home himself. Maybe he would leave me alone for the rest of the year, then I could go off to college and never have to see him again. That thought made my stomach hurt. I didn't want him to go away. But I didn't want to he around him either. I don't know what I want. Well besides the obvious I suppose. I want his father to stop drinking. I want Ryan to fall in love with me. I want both mine and Ryans parents to be accepting of homosexuals. I want us to be happy together. But admitting this to myself is just making things a hundred times worse. For me at least. Because I know this would never happen. I know this could never happen.

~*~

Soon enough, the time came when I had to face him. We arrived at my house and his father still wasn't home. Which means another night with Ryan....... Yay...... And my mother, being the paranoid person she is..... Won't let Ryan go home until his father returns.

When we got to my house, my parents went inside but Ryan grabbed my arm before I could follow. 

"We need to talk." He said. "we" or he? I really didn't want to do this now. I just wanted to go crawl under a rock and die. 

"There's nothing to talk about" I mumbled as I pulled free of his grasp. I stormed into the house and up to my room. I could hear him right behind me. A foot in the door stopped me from closing and locking the bedroom door right in his face.

"Brendon please...." he whispered, as I was leaning against the door, preventing him from letting himself in. 

"I told you. There's nothing to talk about! Nothing happened!" I was almost yelling. Why was he so pushy? Wasn't it obvious I didn't want to talk to him?! Why couldn't he just leave me alone! 

"Brendon! Let me in damn it!" Something told me he wasn't going to give up anytime soon, so I gave in and let him in. I didn't look at him. I just stepped away from the door walked over to my bed and sat down. I rested my elbows on my knees and just looked down. Avoiding his eyes.

"Why are you mad at me?" he asked after he walked in and closed the door behind him. 

"Is that what was so important you just had to talk to me about?" I snapped, more harsh then I intended. He looked a little hurt. So I sighed and answered him. 

"No I'm not mad at you." 

"Then why-"

"Because I made a total ass of myself and I didn't exactly feel like being chewed out!" I interrupted him. 

"Chewed out? Brendon I'm not the one yelling here...." why was he acting so cool about this? It's not natural, but then again, Ryan Ross is famous for bottling up his feelings. 

I didn't say anything. I wasn't sure what to say.

He came over and sat next to me. "look Bren, I'm sorry, but I'm not g-gay". He stuttered on the last word. But why? If he's so sure then he wouldn't have hesitated. Or maybe this is just my wishful thinking. "But I still want to be friends. You're the only one who's ever given a fuck about me. And not to sound like a chick or anything..... But you get me." To be honest, I didn't really want to be friends any more. Not because I was angry with him. The opposite actually. But it would be a lot easier for me if I could pretend I hated him. Which is hard to do when in truth, he's actually a nice guy. I guess I could give it a shot. It could work right? Maybe...... Hopefully....... He was actually being kind of selfish the way I saw it. He wanted to be friends because it makes him happy. I don't think he sees the effect this could have on me. But nonetheless I'll try. I really do want to be close to him. In more ways then just one. 

I remained silent as I was thinking. Which I assume made him nervous. Until finally I broke the ice. 

"Yeah. I guess I do." was all I could come up with. 

"So are we okay?" he asked slowly, almost cautiously. 

"Yeah, were okay." I gave him a smile, and he grinned back. He then reached forward and gave me a friendly hug. We pulled apart just as my mom walked in. Hadn't she ever heard of knocking? 

"Boys, your father and I are off to the store. We'll be back in an hour or so."

"Okay mom." I mumbled, sadly not taking my eyes off Ryan. I just don't get how he can act so normal knowing that I'm in love with him. 

"Sooooooo" Ryan attempted to start a conversation. 

"Do you wanna watch a movie?" I asked. There wasn't much to do around here.....

"Sure." he said nonchalantly and followed me downstairs.

~*~

I hadn't slept to well that night all scrunched up on the tiny sofa. I forced him to take my bed, because I wasn't exactly comfortable sharing one with him. I know what your thinking. ' shouldn't he be the one that's uncomfortable? He's the straight one....'

Well I'm actually afraid that if we get to close I'll end up getting a little too comfortable. I might end up letting myself think that there is something between us. Which can't happen. And the only way to prevent this from happening is to keep myself distant. Which is impossible to do when he wants to be "close friends". 

We walked to school together that morning, parting when we came into view of Ryans "friends". Remembering what he said about being "secret friends". I fought back the urge to roll my eyes. I found myself becoming more and more impatient with him as time went on. I don't know what that's about. 

I met up with Jon and Spencer and usual, and they noticed the change in my attitude. I'd been a lot more sour with everyone lately. I even got sent to the office for back talking a teacher. When I left the classroom I noticed Ryan was looking at me with a mix between confusion and worry on his face. 

Finally at lunch they confronted me about it.  

"Dude, what is up with you? You've been in this awful mood all day." Spencer said as we sat down in the cafeteria. 

"Yeah, you got sent to the fucking principal. And Brendon Urie never gets in trouble." Jon added on. 

"Thanks Jon." I added sarcastically. "Nothings wrong." I then assured Spencer. 

"Bull crap." he responded almost immediately after I spoke. I raised an eyebrow at him. "Brendon, just tell me."  

"Fine." I stood up and walked towards the bathroom. I heard them following behind me. I walked into the bathroom and made sure we were alone before I spoke. 

"Okay, you guys know I'm gay right?" I said in a hushed tone.  

"Um...... Yes....." Spencer said looking at me weirdly. 

"Well...... I continued "You see, Ryans dad is out of town, so he's been staying at my house because my mom thought it wasn't safe, and we became 'secret friends', then he found out I was gay, and we went to church, and my dad said something homophobic which upset me so I ran off and Ryan went to go comfort me and I told him I loved him, well more like he forced it out of me-" I began speaking very fast and unintelligibly. 

"Slow down! I can hardly understand what your saying!" Jon Interrupted me. I sighed and skipped to the point. 

"I kissed him." I mumbled. The looks on their faces were identical. Total shock. They were obviously speechless. Well at least Spencer was. Jon began asking questions almost immediately. 

"What was his reaction!?" Jon asked a little too loudly. I shushed him and continued speaking. 

"I-I told him it was a mistake. And he told me he still wants to be friends. And what he doesn't get is that, it's hard for me. I-I still like him....." I trailed off. I slumped down against the wall. 

"I told you, you shouldn't get involved with this guy. It can't turn out well." I know he's just trying to help. But his "I told you so's" aren't exactly helping my mood right now.   

"I know, but I can't just dump him. He needs me..." as soon as I said that I regretted it. Now they're going to want to know why someone as popular and "happy" as Ryan Ross needs someone as unpopular as the school fag. 

"He needs you?" Spencer and Jon asked in unison. Both with disbelief apparent on their faces. 

"Gah just forget I mentioned it. I'm going back. I want to salvage what's left of our lunch before math class." I stormed out of the bathroom.