Does Your Lack of Conscience Tell You Everything's Alright?

Alex and I walk through the graveyard, hand-in-hand. He doesn't know where we're walking to but I do.

I'm going to see Marie.

Well, her grave.

I don't know why I feel the urge to see her. It's not like I knew her well. I may have met her, but I didn't know anything about her. We just happened to be in the same situation at different times.

But I feel a connection with her.

A vague one, but a connection nonetheless.

We dealt with the same things. Maybe had the same emotions. Had to accept our lives even if we knew everything we were forced to do was dirty.

I know exactly where her grave is. In the far corner of the cemetery, separated from everyone else.

Jeffery picked the spot. He bought the lot, her casket, the gravestone. Marie's parents let him. He said he had known Marie personally and they didn't question him. Anyone who had known Marie must have been a good person, right? They even let him speak at her fucking funeral.

They didn't know he had known Marie on a level much too wrong for their liking.

I wonder if they'll find out now.

"Where are we going?" Alex asks.

"We're almost there."

I can see her gravestone from here, covered in flowers.

There are most likely dried tears too, evaporated from the sun's rays. No one will ever see those though. Just like no one will ever see the pain she went through because she'll never be able to tell.

We stop in front of her grave stone.

"Who is this?" Alex asks.

"Jeffery's first," I answer.

Alex says nothing in response, only nodding his head in thought.

I don't know what to say. I don't what words can express how sorry I am this happened to her, how I understand.

If she were still alive, I could have confided in her. She would have understood how I feel.

"I know how you felt," I say, still clutching Alex's hand, "I know how hard it is to not be able to tell someone what's happening."

I pause, staring at the grave.

She and I had a lot in common.

"Maybe you were going to tell someone but were just waiting for someone to ask. I'm sorry I didn't ask. I should have. I knew there had to be something wrong with you when I met you. You might still be alive if I had asked," I stop again.

Her death is partially my fault. Asking her never crossed my mind.

And Jeffery killed her for me. I was new, young, innocent; that's what he wanted.

I'm hardly any of those anymore.

"He compared me to you. A lot. I was never as good as you at," I falter, trying to think of an appropriate word, "certain tasks."

I don't think her spirit wants to hear any of that.

Nor do I want to talk about this around Alex.

"I know you didn't enjoy it. I know how dirty you must have felt. You feel like less of a person when you go through those things. I don't know if you can hear what I'm saying, but people loved you and they still do. You were a human and you deserved to live freely."

And so do I.

"This could have been me. I could be six feet under. You're lucky; you can't think about him anymore. You can't remember the things he did to you. I'll have to live with it for the rest of my life."

Alex squeezes my hand, reminding me of his presence.

I may have forgotten about him.

He's going to want to talk about that.

"Rest in piece, Marie," I whisper.