After Snow

Lia stood in front of me, nothing around besides blank emptiness, with one of her famous, yet rare genuine smiles. I smiled at her, trying to make her happier. On her a beautiful white dress, with a bouquet on her delicate hands. She blushed lightly, and looked down to her hands. As she got closer, the brighter the emptiness became. She stood beside me, and looking at me with hopeful eyes.

“I, Lia Attias, promise to love you, cherish you, and be by your side through the joy and the pain,” She smiled cutely.

“I-I, William Roberts, promise to um.. love you, cherish you, and.. And be by your side through the joy and the pain?” I replied back unsure of what I was saying.

“I’ve loved you my whole life, Will,” It was the first time she had ever called me that. It was always ‘William’. “Now, it’s all so different.. We only have one more year left before we all go on our separate ways. I guess it’s time for me to get over this, right? It’s too late for anything to happen now, is it?” She mumbled, I stood there confused for a moment, before snapping back into reality.

“No, no, no.. what are you talking about? It’s not too late, no,” I urged back.

“I think it is, I think it’s too late..” She whispered and threw the bouquet of flowers to the side.

“No, you don’t get it, Lia. I-I like you, a lot. It’s not too late,” I blurted out and regretted it instantly. I don’t like her. I’ve never had.

“No, you don’t. You wouldn’t like some sick girl like me. Who would?”

“I would! Besides, you aren’t going to be sick forever, you’re going to get better. So, it doesn’t make a big of a difference,” I fought back.

“William, stop.. Stop hiding the truth from yourself. You and I both know I’m not getting any better, you and I both know that isn’t going to happen,” She whispered and her words cut through me like a knife. I wanted to plug my ears and pretend I didn’t hear anything. I wanted her to start laughing and tell me she was just joking. I wanted to look away from her and convince myself she was lying. But my eyes were trapped in her ice cold stare. Deep down, I felt she wasn’t getting any better. Deep down, I knew this disease wasn’t that insignificant.

“You’re lying, you’re lying..” I softly repeated.

“No, I’m not, William. I’m not-” She started, but I cut her off.

“You’re going to get better. You will get better and I’ll ask you out. We’ll go on a date. A real one. We’ll eat ice cream and we’ll go to a park, that’s what we’ll do..” I rambled on.

“William,” She softly whispered, and reached out to me. I slapped her hand away, and took a step back.

“No, no.. Don’t say it..”

“You’re making it worse. Don’t lie to yourself, it’s going to happen,” She loudly stated, ignoring my words.

“I’m not lying, I’m not lying..” I rambled nonstop.

“No, I’m not. William, I’m not..” She whispered, and tried getting closer but failing.

“You can’t be.. You’re lying. You’re fine, Lia. Stop..” I shut my eyes in rage, and pain filled my chest.

I felt her place her delicate and petite hand on my cheek, “William, I’m dying.”

I gasped, and my eyes snapped open. I don’t know what came over me, but tears just flowed out of my eyes. I had woken up so suddenly, I had forgotten my dream, but the tears wouldn’t stop. I clutched my hair and yelled in frustration at the state I was in right now. Lia’s faced flashed in my memory and that’s all it took. I jumped out of bed and put yesterday’s jeans on. I ran out of my room and grabbed an apple. I quickly put a pair of boots and walked out of the house eating the apple. Lia’s face kept showing up in my memory, and the anxiety grew. I ran to Lia’s house, and noticed her dad wasn’t home, and neither was her mom. I pounded on the door as hard as I could, I was surprised the door was still attached to the frame.

“Open this damn door!” I shouted angrily.

“Coming!” I heard a girlish voice yell back. After a few seconds of waiting, the door was opened and Lia stood there with a shocked expression.

“What are you doing here, William? It’s freezing outside,” She questioned confused. I looked at her, and she was wearing a short, blue sleeping gown, hugging her curves and showing off her long and delicate legs. I suddenly got nervous, and I flustered.

“We.. We need to talk,” I whispered and noticed how awkward that sounded.

“O-Oh.. Ok?” She replied, and opened the door wider for me to walk in. When I walked in, I felt the heat surround my body. I looked down and noticed I wasn’t wearing a shirt. I blushed deeper, but decided to not go back. She would think I was an absolute nutcase.

“U-Uh.. What do we need to talk about?” She asked, quietly. I avoided looking at her.

“Us,” I blurted out. My eyes widen and my heart rate sped up. Fuck! Do I really need to make things more awkward?! I thought frantically.

“Um... Okay?”

“Look, I need to know this,” I sternly replied, turning around. “Do you still.. you know..” I expected her to know what I was talking about. Her face instantly turned deep red and she looked at my chest. Her face turn brighter and she instantly looked away. My heart pounded against my rib cage and I could barely breathe. I took a step closer, yet she took one back. We kept doing this until she had nowhere to walk back to but a wall. I took my last few steps and stood right in front of her. She tried avoiding my face by looking straight ahead, but realized my bare chest was there. Her breaths became shorter and rapid. I knew I was making her nervous. I smirked at the thought.

I looked at her slightly parted pink lips, and my body started moving on its own. I got closer and I knew she was panicking, but I didn’t stop. I lightly pressed my lips against hers and she softly moaned.

“Do you like me?” I whispered against her lips.

“Y-Yes,” She whispered back, her breath heavy. I kissed her softy, yet again.

“Do you love me?” I hesitantly asked.

“Yes..” She whispered against my lips. That quiet word was all it took. I snaked my arms around her small waist and pulled closer to me, and lifted her of the ground. Lia placed her hands on the back of my neck and started stroking the tips of my hair. I softly bit her bottom lip and she slightly parted her lips. I took that as a chance. I stroked her lip with my tongue before entering, I caressed every part of her mouth and my heart rate sped up. She moaned my name against my lips and with her in my arms, I started walking towards her room.

When we arrived to her room, without breaking the kiss, I opened the door to her room. I stumbled upon a couple of shoes before reaching her bed. I slowly layed her down on her soft and big bed, and kissed her roughly. Slowly, things turned in a direction I had never expected. I slowly started lifting her sleeping gown, and she started pulling my jeans down.

“Do you really want this?” I softly questioned.

“More than anything in the world,” She whispered. We both closed our eyes and let our bodies guide us.

The next few hours were just a blur. I just remember Lia’s voice calling for me, and all I felt. I’m not sure if all of this was just lust or something more. Nonetheless, I couldn’t stop smiling. You could say it was one of the happiest moments in my life. Just having her in my arms, made me feel ecstatic. I felt her stir and then she stiffened.

“No,” She whispered. “No,”

“What’s wrong?” I asked worried.

“Oh my gosh, what have I done?” She gasped.

“I.. I didn’t think it was that bad..” I muttered, embarrassed.

“No, you need to leave. We need to forget this ever happened,” She rambled, looking around for her underclothes. When she found them, she shakily put them on.

“What the fuck? Why?”

“Because.. This shouldn’t have happened. This wasn’t supposed to happen, not now..” She stood up and walked to the door, opening it. “Leave,”

I grabbed my boxers and jeans, I put them on with the pair of boots as well but didn’t move an inch closer to the door.

“William, leave,” She ordered. I stood up and grabbed her wrist pulling her away from the door. I slammed the door closed, locking it.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“I’m not leaving until you give me a proper explanation,”

“This wasn’t supposed to happen,”

“Why?”

“Because it just wasn’t,” She looked away. Her stubbornness angered me and I unthinkingly grabbed her shoulders and slammed her against the door. She softly whimpered.

“Tell me why?” I asked, raising my voice.

“Because it’s something that I promised myself I would never let happen,”

“Is that it? Because you didn’t want it to happen? Then why did you say you wanted it ‘more than anything in the world’?”

“You wouldn’t understand,” She looked way.

“Why wouldn’t I? Do you really think I’m that insensitive?” I angrily shouted.

“Because you are too naive to notice small things, or even look into my disease. You just simply don’t care,” She shouted back. Lia shouts? Was the first thought that crossed my mind.

“I do care! But I can’t help if I don’t know what’s going on!”

“If I told you, you would leave me. Just like my mother did,” She screamed, and her eyes filled with hate. Her mom?

“I wouldn’t leave! Lia, I fucking love you!” I yelled back, surprised I was speaking the truth.

“No, you don’t! Why does everyone keep lying? Everyone says they love me, then they leave me because of what I am!”

“What you are? What are you talking about?” I lowered my voice, slightly.

“Because I’m dying, William. Spinocerebellar ataxia isn’t curable. You wanted to know if I was going to be okay, didn’t you? It will get worse day by day, until I have no control over my own body. It starts with just unsteadiness while walking, frequently falling down, and losing sense of direction. I won’t be able to pick things up in a near future. I will start having difficulties falling down, so I’ll have to rely on a wheelchair to move around. I won’t be able to speak properly as well. Lastly, I may become unconscious, this disease is a mystery. It has no cure. I need to detatch myself from my life as I know it. I need to get away from my friends and people I knew. That includes you,”

As much as I tried, words wouldn’t come out. The images and words from my dream came crashing down on me. It was too overwhelming. The time seemed to stop and the pain seemed to grow. I pushed Lia aside, unlocking the door and walked out.

‘Because I’m dying, William...'