After Snow

I stormed to the nurse’s desk, where Lia had just been standing.

“Excuse me, was that Lia Attias?” I managed to sound as polite as I could muster. The middle-aged woman looked up, her eyes full of wisdom and smiled softly.

“Yes, that’s her. Are you her friend?” She asked.

“I guess you could say that.. Why was she here just now?”

“Can you keep a secret?” She asked quietly, and leaned closer. I slowly nodded.

“Good. So can I,” She leaned back and smiled genuinely. “It’s against policy to give out any information to others, you know?”

“I.. I didn’t know,” I said through gritted teeth.

“You can ask her yourself, if you need to know so badly,” The nurse suggested.

“Can I?” I asked hopeful.

“Be my guest, I’ve never heard of a rule that didn’t allow that,” She answered and motioned the doors where Lia had just walked in.

“Hey! Don’t give her a hard time, she’s got enough going on right now,” The middle-aged nurse warned. Hard time? I kept myself from asking her and just walked through the doors.

When I opened the door, I was welcomed by a hectic hallway. People were rushing around and someone was screaming. Nurses started running into one of the doors in the small hallway. Soon, the chaos quieted down, and Lia was standing in front of the door. Her eyes slightly widen and her lips parted. Nurses started coming out of the room, all of them looking at the floor sadly. The doctor was the last one to walk out of the room. He placed a hand on Lia’s shoulder and tried moving her, but she shrugged his hand off.

“Is this..?” Lia asked, not finishing her sentence.

“Well, there’s still time, maybe-” The doctor started to say, but Lia cut him off.

“Don’t sugar coat it,” She said harshly. “Please.”

“All cases are different, but something like this,”The doctor looked at the floor.

“Oh..” Was all she said.

I felt someone place their hand on my shoulder.

“Sir, can I help you?” A nurse politely asked. I shook my head and thanked her. I looked again to where Lia was standing and her eyes were upon me. Wide, full of shock and fear.

“W-William, what are you doing here?” She stuttered.

“I could ask you the same thing,” I replied smoothly. She looked at the floor and laughed bitterly.

“One cruel joke,” I heard her whisper.

“Come again?” I asked, confused by her words.

“I guess since you’re here, I might as well tell you. Come to my room,” She turned around and started walking deeper into the hallway.

“You have a room here? Why?” I asked, but she didn’t answer. I kept looking around. There were people in every room. Some looked so empty, it welled up tears in my eyes. Some looked happy but yet still hurt. It reminded me of someone. I couldn’t place my finger on who.

Lia opened the door when we were almost at the end of the hallway and waited for me to walk in. When I walked in, I noticed how bright and enormous the room was. It had different shades of pastel colours. There was a king sized bed with white sheets right by the window and a light brown teddy bear sitting on the window frame.

“This is it,” She said dully.

“Why do you have a room here?” I asked.

“Why are you here, Sara? You promised you wouldn’t show up!” We heard someone yell from somewhere down the hallway. Lia and me looked at each other in confusion and walked out of the room.

“Because Lia isn’t the only one suffering, Jake! My son is suffering as well!” A familiar voice shouted back. I looked at the people arguing and noticed it was Mom and Mr Attias.

“You need to get out of here before Lia sees Will,” Mr Attias muttered.

“No, he has the right to know what’s wrong with her,” Mom argued back.

“Dad, it’s okay,” Lia said from behind me, loud enough for them to hear. Mr Attias’ head snapped our way and when his eyes landed on me, they filled with anger.

“Get out of here, Will. Get out of here before I do something I might regret,” Mr Attias hissed to me, walking in a dangerous fashion.

“Why?” I asked confused. He now stood in front of me, even if he was only a couple of inches taller than me, he was still intimidating. His blue eyes pierced mine.

“Lia doesn’t want to see you,” He growled.

“What? I was just talking to her?” I answered confused. He growled and grabbed my shirt, gripping the fabric tightly, pulling my forward. My eyes widen and he slightly lifted me off the ground.

“Look, you little-” He started.

“Dad,” I heard Lia say with a tone of dominance. Mr Attias looked to the side and breathed out shakily. He gave one nod and turned back to me.

“You listen to me, and listen well. Because I am only saying this once,” He said with a lower tone of voice, but twice as harsh. “If you, for any reason, make her shed a single tear, I will rip your head off. Is that clear?” He threatened. I nodded my head in fear.

“Oh, Jake. Don’t make promises you can’t keep, you’re scared of cats for Christ’s sake,” I saw Mom say from behind, rolling her eyes.

“Sara, don’t you see I’m trying to make a point here? And did you really have to say that in front of my precious daughter?” He sighed in defeat, letting go of my shirt, forgetting about me and walked back to Mom.

I took a few steps back and smoothed out my uniform shirt. I turned to Lia to say something, but the words were caught on my throat. She was looking at our parents argue, with the most peaceful smile I had ever seen. Her blue-green eyes were the clearest I had ever seen them, a small smile played on her lips and there was no pain on her expression.

“Shall we go to my room?” Lia asked cheerfully. I nodded once and our parents started walking towards the room, not stopping their argument about Mr Attias’ fears.

When we walked in the room, she sat at the farthest side of the room, and sat on the table. She smiled at me and patted the spot beside her. Mom’s and Mr Attia’s loud voice filled the room a couple of seconds later and they stayed on the farthest side of the room, opposite to Lia’s and mine.

“You’re wondering why I’m here,” Lia asked, although it was more of a statement.

“You guessed right,” I answered. She stayed quiet for a couple of seconds and I wondered if she didn’t hear me, but my curiosity was quickly quieted down by her voice.

“You know, Bob Marley once said: ‘Every man gotta right to decide his own destiny.’ He was an admirable man. But he too, had his flaws. Not everyone gets that chance. Some get their destiny played with, maybe in beautiful ways, but some others in horrible and cruel ways,” She breathed out and looked at her lap.

“What are you talking about?” I asked confused. She laughed melodically, but her laugher died down and was replaced with unbearable silence.

“I have spinocerebellar ataxia,” She whispered. This took my by surprise. I wondered what this spino thing was.

“Spino what? What is that?” I voiced my thoughts, worried now.

“Spinocerebellar ataxia. It’s a progressive, degenerative, genetic disease,” Lia mumbled. My heart rate sped up and questions flashed through my mind. Panic was slowly rising.

“Oh..” Was all I could force out of my throat.

“That’s why I was getting clumsier, dumber, useless,” She whispered. Her last word cut through my heart like a knife.

“Hey, you aren’t useless. It’s not your fault, right?” I tried cheering her up.

“How can I not be? I can’t do many things by myself anymore, and I’m always worrying my dad. I’m a horrible, useless person,” She looked at her father with pained eyes.

“Your mom doesn’t worry?” I questioned, looking at her. Her body stiffened and she averted her gaze to the floor. What the hell?

“It’s not your fault, didn’t you say it was genetic? Besides, you’ll get better soon, that’s why you’re here, right?” I told her, changing the uncomfortable topic for her.

“But you know,” She started to say, ignoring my questions. “I’m glad I’m not going through this alone. I glad my dad is here. And as selfish as this will sound, I’m glad you know,” She turned to me and smiled genuinely. I instantly blushed.

“I’m g-glad you told me, actually,” I nervously stuttered and mentally slapped myself. “Besides, s-soon you’ll get better, right? This spino-whatever will disappear and you’ll be okay, right?” I asked, but she yet again, ignored my questions

“Because, I don’t think I could do this alone. I’m not that strong, and I don’t think I can be that selfless. Having people like Dad, or like Mrs Roberts by my side, gives me that little bit of hope I need to just smile and not break down. And even though, you may hate me with every bone in your body, I’m happy that you’re here, William. I’m happy you’re.. by my side,” She whispered blushing. I averted my gaze from hers, and blushed as well.

“Lia! Tell Sara to stop mocking me!” Mr Attias shouted.

“Lia! Tell Jake to stop mocking me!” Mom yelled after him, with a higher than usual pitch.

She got of the table and started to walk towards them. I reached out and grabbed her shoulder.

“Lia,” I said, urging her to answer my previous questions.

“I’ll... I’ll be okay,” She replied softly, with a pained smile.

“It will disappear, right?” I urged.

“It was nice talking to you, William. Thank you for listening,” She answered instead, and shrugged my hand of her shoulder. I blinked confused.

Why didn’t she answer?

“I’ll see you around, right?” She cocked her head to the side with a lopsided smile. I simply nodded my head dumbfounded. She nodded as well and spun around on her heel and jogged to Mom and Mr Attias, limping slightly.

I never took my eyes off of her. She looked so happy, but in so much pain. Then it clicked. It was her who reminded me of all those patients. Her breathtaking smile, with those pained eyes. I noticed the changes in her. She looked thinner, and tired. Her skin looked rather pale and translucent due to the dark tones on her hair. Her once graceful movements, were now jerkier. Her balance was a bit affected as well. But her smile was the same it had always been, sadistic and pained. Her words, even if she stuttered now and then, were as wise and kind as always. A worried feeling filled my chest.

I told myself over and over again, ‘She’s going to be okay. She’s going to get better. Everything will go back to normal soon.’ When I finally started to believe myself, a small voice, in the back of my head replied, ‘No, she’s not.’ Those three words destroyed all the hope I had build up. They destroyed every single trace of hope I felt, and replaced it with worry, pain, and fear. I was absolutely hopeless.

Was she really going to be okay?