After Snow

Months passed, and Lia’s stomach grew bigger. Since there was no cure for this horrifying disease, the only thing Lia could do, was practice writing and talking to slow down the disease, because the baby sped the process up. The doctors couldn’t find the reason why. I studied harder, to pass the classes faster. If I did that, I would graduate sooner. I spend more time with Lia, and with our baby. I only needed three more credits, then I would be able to receive my diploma.

Spinocerebellar ataxia was the worst thing that happened to Lia, and me. Seeing the disease slowly kill her, pained me in a way I never thought possible. Lia prayed every night, that the disease didn’t choose our baby as well. She prayed he grew up and had a great life, without this sickness. I prayed the disease would disappear and Lia would be ok.

I looked back to when I thought I hated Lia, and wondered if I hadn’t taken her out on that atrocious if things would be different. Would she be with another guy? Or would she be alone? I couldn’t help but to blame myself that she was getting worse, faster. Whenever she guessed what I was thinking, she would innocently comment how happy she was to be a mother. If she hadn’t gotten pregnant, would her life be longer?

“You know, I feel like a horrible person when you feel this disease it’s your fault..” She softly commented.

“The disease has sped up because of the baby..”

“But isn’t he beautiful? Oh, when I get to hold him, how happy will that make me,” She smothered her belly.

“But that means your life...” I trailed off.

“That means I’ll have a handsome baby boy, and his father will teach him how to play soccer,” She laughed melodically. I looked down in shame.

“Smile, silly. I’m glad I’m having this baby. Can you go home and get me my laptop? I want to listen to new music,” She softly smiled. I nodded. I got up, kissed her gently and left to go to the Attias’ house.

When I arrived, I entered the Attia’s house. After a few seconds of being inside the house, I noticed I wasn’t alone. Mr Attias and Mom were here as well. The french door was opened and Mr Attias and Mom were standing there, their backs facing me.

“What are you talking about?” I heard Mr Attias ask.

“Jake, all this time.. You’ve been so strong, holding up and doing everything not to break down, for Lia’s sake. You found out about the disease and stood as strong as an oak tree. Even after that.. woman left, you shook a little, but still stayed strong. Because you are afraid of not being able to stand up again. It’s okay to fall, Jake. It’s ok to hit the hard and cold floor, because when you are down there, you look up at the sky. You realize the sun is behind those dark clouds, you realize you have nowhere to go but up. And the Jake I know is more than capable of standing up again. That’s why it’s okay now..” Mom whispered.

“What if I can’t get up again, Sara?”

“If you can’t get up, I’ll be there. Just like you’ve been there for so long. It’s my turn now, and however many times you fall, I’ll be there. However many times you need me, I’ll be there. Aren’t we best friends, retard?” Mom laughed weakly.

“I need to be strong for the both of us. Lia can’t do this alone,” Mr Attias pointed out quietly.

“You can’t do it alone either, Jake. You aren’t as strong as you pretend to be. You and I both know that. You haven’t been but the strength of Lia since you found out about the disease. You can’t pretend to be strong, because before you know it, you’re going to run out of all that strength, then what will Lia have? You need to rest once in a while, so when the sun rises again, you can be strong once again,” Mom caressed his back.

“Sara..” Mr Attias breathed.

“It’s ok now, Jake. I’ll be by your side until you run out of tears. I’ll be here as long as you need me. Because that’s what best friends do, because I love you. And because I don’t think you can last any longer,” Mom looked at him. His head hung low, as if he were in shame.

“Sara.. S-Sara..” His voice broke. He slowly turned around and embraced Mom. His big frame covered Mom’s petite one. His shoulders shook with each sob. Mom’s head rested on his broad shoulders, as she looked up at the sky. Eyes watered. He broke down, and Mom fell to the ground as well. He hugged her waist, as she embraced his head, stroking his hair.

“I’m here, Jake. I’m here,” Mom repeated, as his sobs grew louder and louder. My knees gave out and I was on the floor as well. I watched the scene before me, and my chest tightened. This was my fault. Lia being pregnant was my fault. The disease spreading rapidly was my fault. If I hadn’t fallen in love with Lia, things would’ve been better. Mom held in her tears, I knew she thought she needed to be strong for Mr Attias. She looked up, and she met my eyes. Her face completely still and emotionless. I understood what her eyes were telling me and I started getting up.

“This isn’t your fault, it’s God’s wish,” She stroked Mr Attias brown locks. I knew she wasn’t just talking to Mr Attias. I nodded once, dropping my gaze, as if I were an intruder and walked to Lia’s room. I looked around, and took her white laptop. I walked out of the house, without looking back at them. I was too ashamed. I couldn’t look at the people whose live’s I had ruined. I got into the car, and I left the drive way as fast as I could. I couldn’t stop the tears. They flowed out and blurred my vision. I had to pull the car to the side, before I caused an accident. I growled in anger and smashed my hands against the steering wheel. Tears flowed out, and I ran my hand through my hair.

“Why?” I sobbed. The tears flowed freely, and anger filled me.

“Why did You do this to me, God? Why did You get her involved?” I screamed in rage. I realized how mental I sounded, but I didn’t care. I knew life was never fair, but this was too much. I never cared of what would happen to me, but Lia needed to get out of this horrible destiny that had been bestowed upon her. She didn’t deserve it. Such a kind and caring person didn’t deserve this kind of fate. And as if right on cue, my mobile started ringing. I composed myself quickly before answering.

“H-Hello?” My voice slightly broke.

“William?” Lia’s worried voice spoke.

“Lia, hi,” I smiled at the sound of her voice.

“Are you okay? Is there something wrong?” She asked worriedly.

“Everything is fine, I’m on my way to the hospital,” I forced a happy voice to come out of my lips.

“Oh, okay,” She laughed.

“Alright, take care. Bye, Lia. I love you,” I almost whispered.

“O-Okay.. Bye.. I.. I love you, too,” She stammered nervously. I laughed and I hung up. I dropped the smile and tossed the phone aside. I turned on the car, and started driving back to the hospital. But the tears didn’t seemed to cease, they kept flowing and I didn’t know if I could walk into her room without her noticing.

When I walked into the hospital, patients gave me different types of looks. Some looked sorry for me, or surprised. Others looked away when they met my eyes, ashamed. The hospital staff gave me encouraging smiles. I was thankful to them, for I needed all the strength I could get a hold of. I walked into the Neurology hallway, trying with all my might to stop the tears. But the harder I tried, the more memories that would flash my eyes.

Lia unsteadily walking. Lia almost getting run over by a car. Lia falling down, and hurting herself. Lia telling me how much she loved me, or telling me how I didn’t care about her because of what she was. All the memories came back to the worst one. Lia telling me she was dying. Everything seemed so surreal. It seemed like yesterday she smiled at me and I ignored her. It didn’t seem too long ago that I first took her on a forced date. It all seemed it happened yesterday.

As I got closer to her room, I realized I couldn’t do it. I asked one of the nurses that knew me, to give Lia the laptop. I instructed her that if she questioned where I was, to tell her that I went out to eat and that I’d be out of a while. She did so without any questions, for my eyes gave it away.

I stood on the door frame of her room, and before I knew it, I was on the floor leaning against the wall quietly sobbing, I didn’t want Lia to see me in this state. I cried, and cried. Hoping my tears would some how changed the present. I dreamed of suddenly going back to the day I had to take her on a date. I would refuse with all my might, not caring if I wouldn’t go to that concert, that in the end turned out to be a disaster. I wouldn’t change my mind about her, I wouldn’t want to protect her. I would ignore her, like I did for many years. That way, she would just forget about me, and I wouldn’t fall in love with her and get her pregnant. The disease would take its time to spread, instead of going at a faster rate. If I hadn’t gotten closer to her, if I hadn’t accepted her feelings, maybe things would be different. Maybe she would be okay. Maybe she would be happier.

“Is it really that bad to be by my side?” I heard a sorrowful voice say from my side. My head snapped to where the voice came from and I panicked when I realized who it was.

Lia stood there with a pained expression. Her eyes full of sadness and anger. I ponderously stood up.

“L-Lia,” I stuttered.

“Am I? Am I that big of a burden, William? Why didn’t you tell me before?” She whimpered.

“No.. No, that’s not it,” I reached out to her.

“Then what is it? Why won’t you show me how you truly feel?” She asked, slightly angry.

“Because.. Because this is all my fault. You getting pregnant, being unhappy, the disease spreading faster.. It’s.. It’s all my fault. Worse of all, there is absolutely nothing I can do to help but being there. You know how annoying that is? The only girl I've loved is dying. She’s dying and I can’t do anything at all but watch from the sides. If I hadn't taken you shopping that day.. Maybe.. Maybe..” I sobbed, helpless. Lia’s face turned into one of shame.

She took a step towards me, and hugged me tightly. “I’m sorry,” She whispered.