Tell Me, What's Real?

Days passed. Tears fell, silence ensued and life went on.

But one thing stayed the same.

Jimmy.

I knew a part of me expected him to disappear. To drift away like the rain on the sidewalk, to leave me just as everyone else seemed to do. I expected him to claw his way into my life, to settle himself into my heart only to drift away, leaving what was left of my sanctity in shattered pieces.

But my heart stayed intact.

Jimmy never left.

And slowly, piece by piece, I was building myself up, until I could stand tall again. I was breaking down the walls clouding my heart, the walls that had protected me for so long, and leaving the fragile part of me open for the world to take. My heart was still broken; discarded, bruised and battered from all that I had gone through, but bit by bit I was healing; my scars disappearing. The tears still fell; my body still felt empty, but somehow, my heart still managed to beat. It still managed to pump the blood, warming my cheeks, and managed to race whenever he was around.

I was alive. I had survived. And although I was still broken, although I was still left below, somehow, it didn’t seem as scary any more. Life didn’t seem like a large, gaping black hole, ready to pull me in at any mistake I made. Life didn’t seem like it was a mountain I had to climb, in which any wrong move could lead to my death.

Life was hard, but I could do it.

At least, part of me thought I could.

I guess in a way I was neglecting what was in front of me. I guess that I was neglecting what I had yet to go through, what I still had to deal with and everything around me.

Jimmy made me smile, and made me feel special. He made me forget.

And that was all I wanted to do. Forget.

But I guess I forgot too much.

I guess I let my walls down too far.

I guess my heart decided that simply beating was too hard.

~~~~~

For what seemed like the first time in months, the sun was shining, its golden rays reflecting off the green grass as if they had been sprinkled with diamonds.

And as much as I loved the rain, as much as I loved the feeling of the wet, shining drops falling onto my bare skin, the sun made me smile. The feeling of the warmth against my back, the feeling of the rays in my hair, dancing across my face made my mouth lift up of its own accord.

And for the fifth day in a row, there to welcome me, along with the sun, was Jimmy. With his dark, raven locks sparkling in the sunlight, his vibrant blue eyes gleaming, he stood below my window, a smile on his face.

And I smiled with him.

Leslie walked up behind me, placing her shin on my shoulder. ‘Hey Jimmy,’ she called, giving him a small wave. Jimmy grinned at her, lifting his hand up in return.

I turned to face her, a frown on my pale face. ‘Are you coming with us today, Les?’ I asked, my eyes staring into hers inquisitively.

Leslie bit her lip and shook her head, flicking her blonde hair away from her face. My blue orbs darkened, and my frown deepened. ‘Please, Leslie? You never co-‘

‘You and I both know that you’d be better off by yourself, Izzy,’ she said quietly, giving me a small, willowy smile.

‘No I woul-‘

‘Look at yourself, Izzy,’ she continued, cupping my cheeks with her palms. Her blue eyes sparkled with pride, the smile never leaving her lips. ‘Look how strong you’ve become. But we both know that there’s more to come, don’t we? And you can’t do that with me by your side all of the time.’

I stayed silent, trying to come up with something to say, some way to convince her to stay by my side. Seeing the hesitation in my eyes, she wrapped her arms around me, pulling me tightly against her small frame. ‘I’m so proud of you, Izzy,’ she whispered in my ear, her tone soft and gentle. ‘I’m so proud.’

I pulled away to see that there were tears in her eyes, and my body was suddenly swarmed with warmth at the gentleness of her gaze. ‘It’s just once, Izzy. I’ll be here when you get back.’

I smiled, pushing my long hair behind my ear. ‘Promise?’ I teased, bumping her hip with mine.

She let out a short laugh, bumping my hip back. ‘Promise,’ she agreed.

Biting my lip as I smiled at her, I wrapped my arms around her and gave her a quick squeeze before pulling away. ‘See you later then,’ I grinned, giving her a small wave.

She waved back, nodding her head as I left the room.

I ran down the stairs, bounding down into the kitchen. Quickly, glancing around to see whether mum was awake, I walked out of the room and out of the front door.

And there he stood.

He knew not to hug me. I could see in his eyes that he wanted to, and I knew that somewhere inside me, I wanted him to too, but I just couldn’t let myself. I couldn’t let myself take that step.

He walked towards me, the lopsided grin on his face causing the corners of my mouth to lift up. Jumping into step beside me, he shook his head softly, tossing his black hair out of his eyes. ‘Ready to go?’ he asked excitedly, almost wiggling on his spot.

I bit my lip, unable to stop myself from smiling. ‘Where are we going?’ I asked quietly, a light blush filling my cheeks.

He frowned, jutting his bottom lip out as he thought. ‘Uh, I hadn’t actually thought that far. Any ideas?’ he asked as we fell into step along the sidewalk, the sun warming our backs.

I shook my head softly, the tangled locks of my light hair shaking across my face. He grinned goofily, shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly. ‘Oh well. We’ll come up with something eventually.’

Silence ensued us, but it was comfortable.

The warmth was surrounding me, causing my fragile heart to flutter. The safe feeling was overwhelming me, pulling me into a place where I knew I’d be okay.

I felt an arm wrap around my shoulders, pulling me into a body.

And suddenly, I was no longer warm. I was burning.

I tried to struggle away, but the strength holding me there left me unable to fight. A deep red hue filled my ivory cheeks, and my eyes snapped up waveringly, narrowing at the man who held me captured.

But he just grinned at me, his blue eyes sparkling with mischief. He raised his eyebrows, his dark hair gleaming in the morning sun.

Forcing up all of the courage I could, I glared at him, but the look in his eyes told me that it was nowhere near as powerful as I had hoped. He just squeezed me tighter into his body, causing me to look away with a flush.

It seemed to me as though we had been walking for hours, with no real purpose or destination other than being in the other’s company. We walked past trees, past parks, past people walking dogs, cafes, houses and gardens, all without a word. Nothing needed to be said. Nothing needed to be done. It just was.

Eventually, though, my legs began to hurt, and the sun began to become much too warm. I guess Jimmy sensed it too because he was suddenly dragging me into a park, only stopping once we were underneath a shaded tree.

Pulling me down, he collapsed onto the soft grass beside me, the wind gently pushing against his hair. Crossing his lanky legs, he grinned at me, resting his chin on the palm of his hand.

And he stared. Never saying a word, he just continued to stare, his sparkling eyes never leaving mine. And, being the person that I was, I blushed and became uncomfortable under his gaze.

‘What?’ I asked quietly, biting my lip as I looked up at him through the errant strands of hair that sat in front of my eyes.

He reached forwards, brushing my hair out of my eyes, his hand brushing against the soft skin of my cheek. It lingered there, and his blue orbs continued to stare into mine, no longer sparkling but glowing. ‘You’re very beautiful, Izzy,’ he said softly, his eyes never leaving my own.

I blushed deeply, my heart becoming caught in my throat. I felt butterflies swarming in my stomach, almost as if they were eating me alive, desperate to leave my small body. I became suddenly aware of everything around me, of the soft, gentle wind that swept through my hair, of the small, black ants that ran past my hands. I became aware of the sun peeking through the leaves to shine onto my back, of the way my heart seemed so heavy in my chest. But then everything disappeared, and all that was left was his eyes, smoldering as they looked into mine.

Then he was leaning forward. And I froze; unable to move, almost forgetting how to breathe. The sun no longer seemed important, nor did the breeze or the ants that surrounded me. Only him, and how close he was coming, and how blue his eyes seemed to be as they neared mine.

His lips brushed against mine softly, almost as if he was afraid of how I might react. Warmth rushed through my body, filling my veins, my every pore, my whole being. Tingles erupted as he pushed his lips harder against mine, and I found that I slowly melted, until I was left with no choice but to move my lips against his. I had no idea what I was doing, but all I knew was the warmth, and how it felt so different but so incredibly right.

It was then that I realized that I was no longer taking another step. I had taken a leap, and somehow, I didn’t know if I could come back down.

~~~~~

It was silent as I opened the door, a large smile sitting on my lips.

With my heart beating erratically in my chest, I bounded up the stairs, my eyes burning with excitement and a new found glow.

‘Leslie!’ I called, rushing into my bedroom, my whole body feeling as though it was alight with flames. ‘Leslie, you’ll never believe what happened!’

A flush filled my cheeks as I searched around the room, frowning when I saw that it was empty. ‘Leslie?’ I called timidly, looking around the room, searching for the familiar blonde head with a pink streak.

Nothing.

I rushed around the room, a sense of dread filling my previously warm body. Tears threatened to overspill as I searched, calling loudly, small sobs escaping my still-tingling lips.

And all I could think was that she’d promised. She’d promised that she’d be there when I got back. Just like she promised we’d be together forever, that we’d grow old together side by side.

That once again, she had lied. That once again, I was alone. Only this time, it was for real.

And then everything shattered.