I Swear I Love You

Jess’ POV

“Val, I love you, but this therapy sucks,” I hissed to the aforementioned female to my left. She merely chuckled as my scowl deepened, severely wanting to do nothing but attack the evil creature that had brought me here.

“Stop having such a hissy fit,” Val replied. “It’s fun.”

“I’m sorry to say but sitting in the middle of a strip club is far from my idea of fun,” I said through gritted teeth, looking away as the girl on the pole nearest to us decided to try and catch our attention. “I’m happy with my sexuality thanks.”

“Aw come on, you have to admit that some of these girls are quite sexy.”

“Val… do not even go there.”

She laughed once again. “Lighten up Jess. This is meant to be a fun night out!”

“Fun for who exactly?” I whispered irritably as the stripper decided that my embarrassment and avoidance of her barely-clothed body prompted more eccentric movements. In the end I decided to just rest my hands over my eyes so I didn’t have to watch her anymore- to which the girl then sighed and must have walked off because when I removed them, she was gone. “Where are the guys anyway?”

Val shrugged. “I don’t know. Probably at a bar or something.”

“They’re at a bar while we’re at a strip club?” I said incredulously. “Surely it’s meant to be the other way round?”

“I didn’t tell them where we were going.”

“Why not? They’re guys- they wouldn’t say no. Hell, this is probably paradise to them.”

“I didn’t want them to come.”

“Why not?” I pressed, my tone growing in irritation with each minimal scrap of information she gave me.

She turned; looking me straight in the eyes. “Look around here; what do you see?”

“What?”

“Look around,” she repeated, “and tell me what you see.”

Even without looking around I could have easily guessed at my surroundings. “Strippers, guys and alcohol. Lots of it.”

She looked at me expectantly. “And?”

“And what?”

“What else?”

I sighed and looked around again. “Well there are a lot of guys in suits here… presumably hot shots cheating on their unsuspecting wives waiting for them at home. Strippers, who are only too pleased to entertain these guys for a bit of loose change and a load of alcohol helping the party to go along as smoothly as possible.”

Val smiled brightly.

“What did I say?”

“You just completed your therapy session.” She picked her bag off the side and proceeded to walk out of the booth, causing me to quickly scramble after her.

“I what?”

She thanked the owner who allowed us to have a booth that Val particularly requested for its full view of the club. I guess it must have been on purpose since she happened to name drop her partner’s band and their popularity causing the venue nearby to sell out for their show the next night which made them all too happy to let us have it.

Pulling her coat tighter around her frame to battle against the Worcester weather Val gestured down the block. “The bar’s this way.”

“You still haven’t answered my question you know.”

She glanced at me while walking. “What question?”

“What the hell was that all about?”

“What was what?”

“Dragging me to a strip club for one!” I cried, throwing up my hands for added emphasis. “I’d rather not look at half-naked girls thanks!”

“It was necessary.”

“Necessary for what exactly?!”

“Your therapy.”

“What therapy?” I stopped, shouting at her from exasperation. A few people walking past us gave a few funny looks but I didn’t care. “You haven’t done anything but force me to watch a strip show for the past couple of hours!”

Her hand felt the curvature of her hip as she frowned at me. “That’s not it.”

“Then what is?!”

She sighed. “What you did- it was natural. It happens all the time. You saw it then.”

“Saw what?”

“Those people back there. They were all having a good time yes? Despite the fact they were doing you think is wrong, they were having a good time, right?”

“Well yeah…” I was stumped. “But what has what they were doing got to do with anything?”

“It’s the same with what happened between you and Brian.” She grinned. “It’s all natural. It happens all the time.”

So that’s what she was on about. “Oh.” My gaze dropped. “You can’t say that...”

“Of course I can,” she replied. “Everyone has that drunken one night stand. Everyone sleeps with someone they shouldn’t. It happens all the time, so stop worrying about it.” She extended her head out to me. “Come on; the bar’s nearby and Matt’s getting worried.”

“Matt’s getting worried?” I echoed, looking up at her in surprise. “How do you know that?”

She held up her phone, the lit screen displaying Matt’s name as an incoming call. “It’s been like this non-stop for the past hour and a half. If he hadn’t shaved all his hair off he’d be tearing it out right now.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at her comment, the atmosphere lightning up considerably as I rejoined her side. “I can imagine. I better get you to him before he starts rampaging downtown looking for you.”

Val chuckled. “I’d like to see that.” She linked her arm around mine as if we were old friends during our ten minute walk to the bar where the guys were, a light-hearted conversation bonding the two of us together until we finally reached the neon sign. She hadn’t bothered with the large queue- instead she marched right on to the front and tapped the bouncer on the shoulder. “Would you mind-”

Without missing a beat, the bouncer quickly said, “No cutting. Wait your turn.”

Val frowned. “It’ll just take a moment-”

He sighed, turning to her. “Look, you’re a chick with a nice rack so I’m not going to throw you out, but if you want in you have to wait.” He jabbed his pen at her chest. “Those don’t get you in. Waiting does.”

Her mouth almost dropped open from his rudeness, murmuring “We’ll see about that,” while pulling out her cell phone and dialling a number. “Mattie-”

I couldn’t help but grimace for the bouncer then. Sure he may have bulked up for his job, but I could tell that if it came to blows with Matt, he was going to meet the floor pretty quick.

There was a smug look on her face as she pocketed her phone once again, not even telling me what she had planned as she grabbed onto my hand and began to tug me inside. “Come on.”

“Hey! What do you think you’re doing?!”

I looked back at the bouncer who began to shout after us. “But Val-”

She suddenly stopped, turning to face the thunderous expression of the man. “What?”

“You have thirty seconds to get out or-”

“Val?” Her smile grew as Matt walked out from the bar, a frown growing in his expression as looked at the bouncer. “Is something wrong?”

Some of the colour drained from his face at the size of Matt; it took all my willpower not to let out even the littlest of chuckles. “I’m sorry sir, but these two cut the line and…”

“And?”

“I can clearly see you know each other but you must understand that I have to get back to my job but I cannot just allow these two to just skip the queue-”

“She’s my girlfriend,” Matt interrupted, annoyance growing in his tone from his sharp reply. “If you weren’t dicking around trying to stop her and our friend then you wouldn’t be stopped from doing your job, now would you?” He curled his arm around her shoulders. “Come on Val, Jess. Let’s go.”

“I can’t let them go in! People have been waiting for-”

“They’re with the VIP guests of Avenged Sevenfold,” Matt said, the name clearly ringing alarms in the bouncer’s mind. He of course always had the guest list on hand, and probably knew all of the names on there for tonight. “So if you don’t mind, we’ll be going in.” Matt glared at him. “Unless you want to get the owner?”

“Oh no, no that’s fine!” He quickly gambled, gesturing for us to go inside. “I’m sorry for the misunderstanding sir, please go straight in!”

“Cheers.”

After Matt had steered us inside I looked up at him in surprise. “You’re VIP guests for tonight?”

He laughed. “Fuck no. I just made that up. Thought that little shit would be dumb enough to think it was true.”

“That or he took one look at you and thought better not to say anything for fear of his own life.”

Matt frowned. “I’m not scary.” He looked down at Val. “Am I?”

“Of course not honey,” Val soothed, rolling onto her toes and pressing her lips to his. “You’re my big Mattie bear.”

His expression softened. “I love you Val.”

She smiled. “I love you too.”

“Ah geez.” Jimmy stumbled slightly as he stopped beside us, a half-empty pint in his hand. “Enough with the lovey dovey shit.” He suddenly looked at me as if he realised I was there. “Jess!” He leant forward to give me a hug but basically ended up collapsing on me instead. It always did amaze me how much alcohol the guys could pack away in such a short time. “I wondered where my wife was.”

“Jimmy… you’re crushing me,” I choked, trying to wriggle out from underneath him. My eyes went pleadingly up to Matt. “Matt…”

Matt grinned before retracting his arm from around Val in order to haul Jimmy back onto his feet, clapping him on the back with a light-hearted laugh before reaching down to help me. “Rev likes his beer.”

“I could tell,” I gasped, bent over trying to catch back the wind that was knocked out of me. “Geez Jimmy…”

He grinned lazily at me. “Sooorrrry.”

“It’s alright…” I replied, straightening back up. “Where are the others?”

“By the baaaar,” Jimmy sang. He reached out and grabbed my hand, pulling me away from Val and Matt. “Come on wifey! Let’s party!”

A horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach grew as he dragged me across the room, unable to pull my wrist from his hands. I guess that all those years playing drums had really strengthened his grip.

“Jimmy!” I pushed against his hand. “Jimmy! Let me go!”

“Aw come on, don’t be a party pooper,” Jimmy whined. “Come on! Come meet the guys!”

“Jimmy!” Overwhelmed by guilt I wrenched my hand forcefully from him, stumbling back as I held my wrist protectively. There was probably going to be a mark there later, but I couldn’t blame Jimmy for that. He couldn’t determine his strength through the drunken haze enveloping his senses. “I can’t…” I shook my head, feeling the tears beginning to prick the edges of my eyes. “I can’t do this.”

He soon realised he had lost me and turned back, a confused look floating in his naïve blue eyes. “What do you mean?”

“Jimmy… I…” Rubbing at my eyes feverishly to try and hide the evidence, I shook my head and laughed. “I’m sorry. It doesn’t matter. Ignore me.”

“Are you sure?” He reached across to wipe my cheeks but I flinched; I couldn’t help it. “Have I done something wrong?”

“No!” I squeaked. “Of course you haven’t! It’s just…”

He looked at me curiously; almost sadly. “It’s just…?”

I shook my head, forcing a smile. “It doesn’t matter.” I skipped in front of him. “I think I need a drink, don’t you?”

Jimmy grinned, the moment forgotten. “I’ll get you one.” He draped his arm around my shoulders as we walked together to the bar, greeting the others who were already there. “Yo Syn!” Instantly my smile dropped. Brian’s smile did the same once he noticed who it was that was calling his name, and the person he had returned with. “Get us a drink will ya?”

“S-sure,” he replied, clearly mentally cursing himself for the shocked stutter. “What you drinking?”

“Surprise me.”

Brian chuckled. “You know what happened after the last surprise right?”

Jimmy shrugged.

He laughed again. “Fine. It’s your funeral.”

He moved to order when Jimmy called him again. “Aren’t you going to ask what Jess wants too?”

“Oh. Right.” Brian turned back slowly, his gaze reluctantly seeking mine which instantly zeroed in on the mark on the floor. “What would you like Jess?”

“I’m alright,” I mumbled, trying to figure out exactly what drink made the cherry stain on the floor.

“Come on Jess,” Jimmy said, giving me a light shake. “It’s on Gates, so you might as well take advantage.”

“I just don’t really feel up to drinking today Jimmy.”

“Lame.”

“Sorry.”

“After we had so much fun last night as well,” Jimmy huffed, taking his drink from Brian and pretty much draining it in one before handing it back. “Guess I’ll drink for both of us then. Another one Gates. I’ll be back in a minute; just going for a smoke.”

Once he had gone it left Brian and I standing awkwardly in each other’s presence; not really wanting to speak but not wanting to be stuck in the tense silence either.

“…Jess?” I could already tell from the tone of his voice what he was going to say next. “About last night-”

“Don’t Brian.” I sighed. “We don’t need to talk about that.”

“But-”

“Brian.” I finally lifted my gaze. “Please don’t. I can’t… I can’t think about that right now.”

“Oh.” He sounded dejected. “Do you… do you want a drink then?”

“I don’t want to drink.”

“I know that,” he replied. “You can have an orange juice or something though. You’ve got to have something so you don’t have another hypo.”

His caring tone made me smile. “An orange juice sounds lovely.”

“And Jess?”

“Yeah?”

“I know you don’t want to hear it… but I’m sorry.”

My eyes plummeted to the floor once again. “Brian I-”

“We can’t just pretend it never happened Jess.”

“I know but-” I cut myself off with a shake of my head, looking miserably up at Brian. “Should we tell him?”

“If you want.”

“That wouldn’t be a good idea… would it?” I asked miserably. My gaze reached subconsciously for his wrist. “Last time it was only because of an argument…” Brian quickly covered his wrist from my sight by curling his fingers over it. “Perhaps we shouldn’t say anything?”

Brian shrugged. “He’ll find out sooner or later anyway.”

“But I don’t want you to get hurt because of me again.”

“You don’t need to worry about me.” He passed over a few bills in exchange for a glass containing a warm amber liquid before handing it to me. “Here.”

“Thank you.” Momentarily a silence dawned upon us again as I took a few sips, despite being surrounded by people in the bar. It didn’t seem to matter that Johnny was sitting a few stools away with Zacky either- their conversations, while they could be clearly heard, didn’t affect the tender silence at all. It was as if we were in our own little bubble.

Eventually, I had to ask. “So what should we do?”

He had no answer. “I don’t know.”

It was at this time, I finally realised the meaning behind a word I often read in books, but never really understood.

“Impasse.”

“Huh?” Brian looked at me oddly. “What did you just say?”

My explanation was prevented by Jimmy’s return. From his slight stagger and the fact he nearly fell off the bar stool next to Brian when he tried to sit down I guessed that this was one time fresh air didn’t help someone. In fact, the refreshing escape outside seemed to have made him more drunk.

“You know, there are some guys outside chugging beer through one of those funnel things,” Jimmy suddenly said, his head resting lazily on his hand, supported by his elbow on the bar. “Having a competition to see who could drink it the fastest.”

Brian looked at him. “I’m guessing you tried it?”

He grinned. “And fucking won! Stupid fuckers couldn’t handle it.” He turned his head in the general direction of the doorway, and yelled, “Shouldn’t talk shit if you can’t do the shit!” His voice then dropped to a mumble as he turned back to the bar, attempting to flag down one of the bartenders. “Or something… shit. Hey can I have a beer? No I don’t care… just give me whatever is fucking closest. Cheers.” His general attitude had become lazy since his trip outside, and as he sat the beer down on the bar drained two-thirds of the way down again he would’ve knocked it over had Brian not caught it. “Fucking bar… why did they move it? Nearly spilt my drinks the fucker!”

With a small smile, I motioned to turn away from my supposed drunk husband, the cold metal biting into my finger. “I’m just going to go outside for some fresh air.”

“Going to take on the challenge?” Jimmy chuckled. “Don’t bother. I drank it all. They didn’t bring enough.”

“I wouldn’t try to beat you at drinking,” I replied warmly. “I just want to get outside for a few moments.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Brian moved to get up but I quickly stopped him by raising my hand. “I think you should keep Jimmy company. Make sure he doesn’t break his neck or something.”

Jimmy merely huffed. “I’m not a kid Jess. I am very-” He went to get up from the stool but somehow got his foot lodged behind one of the bars and had Brian not been there to suddenly lunge out and steady him, he probably would have fallen forward and broken his ankle.

Instantly I melted into a maternal role as I addressed him. “James Owen Sullivan, what good would it have done if you had broken your ankle just then? How could you have played the drums with only one foot?” I shook my head. “Please don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone. I’ll only be a few minutes.”

He looked up at me, a childish expression embracing the soft blue of his eyes. “So why don’t you just stay and make sure I’m fine?” His gaze burned into mine. “You’re meant to be my wife after all.”

It took everything in me to not let my composure slip at the sound of that word. It just sounded wrong… but then again, I found some comfort in it as well. “Please… Jimmy…” I felt the beginnings of my eyes watering, and fought hard against it. “Just wait here… just for a few minutes. Then I’ll be back. I promise.”

“You promise?” His childlike personality always came out when he had been drinking, and it made my heart melt every time. Especially in a situation like this; it made me feel like I was hurting an already wounded puppy.

“I promise.” I smiled. “Look after Brian for me while I’m gone.”

“Okay!” He swivelled around on the stool and called the bartender over once again, this time asking for two shots of absinthe and distributing them between him and Brian. “Drink up Gates!”

Leaving Brian to deal with what would more than likely be more than just shot I ventured outside, relishing in the cool breeze as it took away the insecurities of the previous conversation. Underneath the steps where I was standing the guys that Jimmy were on about had clearly found some more beer and were happily chugging away, clearly enjoying drinking themselves to oblivion. A part of me wished I could join them.

Right now Brian and I were simply pretending around Jimmy; treading on eggshells around his best friend and my legally appointed husband. I didn’t like to lie to him- well, I didn’t like to lie to anyone- but I genuinely feared what retribution might spark down on Brian if we told him. Last time he got away with a couple of punches and a busted wrist, but even though I know Jimmy is naturally a kind-hearted soul, if someone threatens something he is protective of, he will happily tear that someone to pieces.

Brian was right though. He would find out eventually, that was pretty much inevitable, and no matter how much I didn’t want him to I knew it would happen. And then something bad would happen.

But no one had found out about Jimmy and me in Texas… well- other than Johnny of course, and he hadn’t told anyone else. Well, he did have to tell Larry about the whole jail thing but he never said what we specifically did. Perhaps Jimmy wouldn’t find out… maybe. For now I guess all we could do was forget it ever happened, and hope it never came up again.

I sighed, resting my arms against the metal barrier that ran parallel to the steps and my head on top of that. It was only then that I remembered my mother’s old necklace was still around my neck; not only did the gold band around my finger bind me to Jimmy, but this simple chain did as well.

I had jolted back as soon as the back of my hand brushed against the sapphires so after a few moments gently lowered my head once again. “This really is an impasse.”