Even If Saving You Sends Me to Heaven

I sat in the chair next to Zane’s bed with my knees together, my feet spread wide. I used my thighs to support my shaky elbows and covered my face with my hands.

Zane did not cry for long. Within a few minutes he was bravely pulling himself together, and I didn’t know how he was doing it. He was much stronger than I was.

I still had the urge to abandon all of my stupid “rules” and try to comfort him. I wanted to show him who I was and that I was there for him, but it just wasn’t going to happen. So I waited.

And Zane waited. Soon he had forgotten about feeling sorry for himself and only thought of Mara. If things got bad, he didn’t want her to have to watch him die. He was angry at nothing in particular, but he wanted to hurt someone for making this happen.

When the nurse came in to take him into surgery, it didn’t even look as if Zane was upset. Inside, he was freaking out. He’s never had surgery before, and he was scared because he didn’t know what it would be like. Even so, he acted calmly.

“We’re going to put you under anesthesia first, so you’ll be asleep for the whole thing,” the nurse explained to him while they walked to another part of the hospital. “It won’t hurt at all.”

Zane shrugged, but he was very relieved. “How long will it take?” he asked.

“Not very long,” she replied, “but it’ll take you time to wake up and recover. You should be getting back to normal in a few hours, but we’ll need to keep you in the hospital for a couple of nights.”

“That’s it?” Zane asked skeptically.

The nurse looked reluctant. “Well… We’re going to have to shave off some of the hair on the side of your head.”

Zane sighed in annoyance. He was vain, and he didn’t want to lose some of his hair. It made me want to smack him on the back of the head and yell, “Well it’s that or maybe die!”

“Sorry,” the nurse apologized.

Zane shrugged, and then sat on the bed she told him to sit on. She gave him and IV for the anesthesia once a few other doctors were in the room. Then they put an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth and waited.

I stood over him, and a few seconds before he couldn’t keep his eye open I let him see me. He was too far gone to know what he saw, but my image burned in his mind until he was completely asleep.

I didn’t watch them perform the operation. I didn’t need to see what they were doing. I heard enough, but at least I couldn’t feel it. I was finally free of all of Zane’s pain… and left with my own.

I tried not to think about Zane, and I found myself worrying about Danny. When he had left, he has been very upset about something. I hoped – and I didn’t know why – that he wasn’t angry at me about anything. I knew I wouldn’t find out until he and Mara came back, but I couldn’t get it off my mind.

When the operation was over, they moved Zane to a recovery room, where he would stay until he woke up. I waited impatiently in excruciating silence.

Why did I want him to wake up? It would only cause me more pain. Why was the silence of his mind somehow more torturous than when I saw everything he was thinking?

Mara arrived before Zane woke up. Danny came in and smiled at me as if nothing had happened.

No, something was different. Why did he sit so far away, and why didn’t he look at me? He wasn’t the same, and I felt like it wouldn’t ever be the same.

When Zane woke up, my heart skipped a beat. For a split second before he was completely awake, his eyes searched for the person who’s image had been stored in the back of his mind: me. But then he saw Mara, and everything became clear. He forgot about me.

I glanced at Danny to see if he’s noticed, but he’d been looking out of the hospital window with no expression on his face.

Mara helped Zane sit up. He was still very dizzy, and his head hurt. She didn’t let him get up when he tried, and they sat together and waited grimly for the nurse to return with the news.

The tension in the room felt much too thick. The nurse that walked in – a different one – took a quick, nervous breath and then pretended not to notice. She put on a fake smile that alerted all of us that the news was bad.

“How bad?” Zane asked.

She gulped. “The tumor is cancerous and inoperable,” she said. “Without surgery, we can still treat you with radiation treatment, but there’s no guarantee that it will work.”

Ironically, the tension seemed to subside now that the bad news had been delivered. “What are my chances?” Zane inquired as if he spoke about his chances of winning a card game.

“Not good,” the nurse admitted. “I’ll be back to talk to you about our next step in a few hours, when the doctors have come up with a plan.” With that, she left the room.

Suddenly, a terrible idea occurred to Zane. Somehow, without my detection, he had developed it into a well thought out plan. He didn’t want to do it, but he felt that he had to.

“Oh, no,” I whispered.

Danny’s head snapped in my direction so that he could meet my eyes. He knew something else was wrong.

The thought that brewed in Zane’s mind was that he didn’t want Mara to watch him die. He wouldn’t let her.