Your Hand In Mine

"Hey, Shane," my uncle greeted, taking me into a hug.

"Hi, Uncle Lou," I said as I pulled back from the hug and offered him a smile.

"How are you holding up?"

"I'm.. I'm okay," I replied. No, not really. I'm falling apart, Uncle Lou.

"Hang in there, alright?" he told me, looking behind me, most likely to the rest of our family.

"Yeah..," I choked out, wiping away a few tears with the pads of my fingers.

"If you don't mind, I'm going to go say hello to your parents."

"No, no, go ahead. I'm sure they'd be glad to see you," I told him. He gave me a smile then walked off to my parents.

I tucked some stray strands of my wavy brown hair behind my ears and looked around the funeral home. I had talked to pretty much everyone there, save for a few of my cousins. Truth was, I didn't want to be there. I shouldn't be there. Josh shouldn't have died in the first place. But what's done is done, I couldn't change that.

Deciding that I wasn't in the mood to really talk, I found a lone chair in the corner of the room. I took it as an invitation and smoothed out my black dress before I sat down. I slumped down a little and took in everything around me. The room was covered in a hideous pale-colored wallpaper with soft pink flowers and gold vines. My relatives and close friends filled the miserable room. Most of them had tears falling from their eyes and a few Kleenexes in their hands. They were all talking in hushed tones, giving each other hugs and rubbing each other's backs. Everyone was in black or some dark color, too. It was depressing. Josh's closed casket was at the opposite end of the room from me, people gathered around him. It was like I was in a movie where you see someone sitting by themselves and everyone else is passing by in a blur. I was that someone. I just wanted to take a picture of it all and then burn it to nothing, that way it would be like it never happened. I'd destroy the evidence.

"Aunt Shane," I heard Ava say, forcing me to realize it wasn't a horrible nightmare, after all.

"Hey, baby," I replied as she climbed into my lap. She turned herself around and faced the same direction I was. I stroked her hair with one hand while she spun the ring on my middle finger of my other hand.

"This is pretty," she told me. "Where did you get it?"

"It's a secret," I teased her. "I'll give you three guesses, though," I said, bringing a slight smile to her face.

"Nana?"

"Nope, not Nana. Guess again."

"Your boyfriend."

"I don't have one."

"Not even that Krissy guy? Daddy talked about him sometimes, and I paid attention a lot because your name always came up."

"Not even Kris," I confirmed. I didn't know Josh brought me and Kris up. I wondered what he had to say about us, what he shared with his family. "One last guess."

"That tall lady over there in that ugly purple dress?" she guessed, pointing a finger.

"A, keep your voice down," I scolded in a bit of a joking tone. Her hands flew up to her mouth, and she turned around with big eyes.

I cracked a smile, she was so adorable. "It's okay, I don't think she can hear us with that mop on her head and that creepy bird hat." Ava let her hands fall away from her face and exhaled in relief, giggling a bit. "But no, whoever that lady is, she didn't get me this ring."

"Then who did?" she asked, looking up at me.

"Your daddy," I whispered. Her eyes traveled back down to the silver-colored band with tiny stars etched into it. It hadn't left my hand since the day he got it for me--my fifteenth birthday. "When you get old enough, and your hand gets big enough, you can have it if you want," I said to her.

"Really?" she questioned, excitement evident. But then her face fell, and the happiness was washed away. "But then you won't have anything to remember Daddy.."

"Yes, I will. I have tons of scars, pictures, signs from hockey games, sweatshirts.. and I've got memories, too, A. I'll always remember your daddy."

"Promise?"

"Only if you promise to remember, too."

"I pinkie promise," she smiled, sticking out her pinkie and hooking it with mine.

"Good. Now, go play with your cousins. I think they're starting to wonder where you are."

"Okay," she smiled then hopped off my lap and ran off.

"It's not right.. completely out of order," my dad mumbled to no one in particular as he shook his head, walking past me. "I shouldn't be burying my child. He should be here, not me." He was right.. completely and one hundred precent right. Not that I wanted my dad to die or anything, but Josh was just too young to be gone. Your parents are supposed to watch you grow up and help you through everything, and then move on to heaven.

When Ava left to go play Connect Four with her cousins, being in my own little corner caused my mind drift away again.

It wasn't going to be easy either way, but maybe.. maybe if we knew ahead of time that he was going to die, like you would if you had a horrible disease or cancer or something, we would have had time to brace ourselves. I shuddered at the thought--brace ourselves for his death.

But then I thought, why would I want him to suffer through that? Why would I want to see him live with some sort of.. something that changed his life for all the wrong reasons, like being paralyzed, completely dependent on everyone around him--not that I wouldn't have taken care of my brother, because I would have in a heartbeat.

It was simple, I wouldn't.

He wouldn't want that--someone giving up their life to take care of him. He'd feel so.. beyond guilty. I knew this because, in my eyes, we were exactly alike, and that was what I would have wanted and felt. He wouldn't want to be here and see his wife, his daughter, his family babysitting him. He would've rather left this world. And that's exactly what he did.

I wondered if he had a choice, you know? Like in movies, people meet God or they're so close to heaven that they could almost touch it.. I wondered if he chose to leave instead of being a burden to someone, figuring it was for the best. I sighed.

If I wasn't sure before, I was definitely sure that there were tears soaking my cheeks and washing away my makeup now. I desperately tried to wipe them away, hoping nobody would see me. And nobody did. It was like I didn't even exist. Sure, they'd catch a glimpse of me and send me a sad smile, but it was like they were only seeing me, not really looking--like I blended in with the background or something.

And then I thought, why him? Why my brother? He had so much to live for. Why not somebody else, someone who didn't care whether they were alive or dead, someone who threw their life away? But then I realized that it was his time to go, whether he wanted to go or not, and whether we wanted him here or not, it was what God had chosen for him. And there was nothing anyone could do about it except learn to accept it and keep living.

But if there was something, anything at all to be the least bit glad about, it was probably that he died almost instantly, that he didn't have to suffer in pain.

After wiping away a few more tears, I picked myself up from the chair I'd made myself comfortable in and decided to go be social, a little bit. I figured it wasn't doing me much good sitting in the corner by myself.

"Yeah! And then he threw up all over you! That was so nasty, man," Danny told my other cousin, Mike.

"Oh, that's just fucking gross," my twenty year old cousin, Amanda, commented.

"Are you guys talking about the time when you dared Josh to eat one of everything from the Taco Bell menu?" I interrupted, stepping into their little circle.

Danny gave his head a nod. "Stupidest thing your brother ever did, I swear."

"I wouldn't say it was the stupidest, but it was pretty high up there," I said, letting out a little laugh for the first time days.

"Yeah, that's true," Sam said.

"I just can't believe he's really gone. I mean, he was just starting to get situated in Florida and everything, and now, it's just..," Danny drifted while I gave my head a nod.

"Would you mind coming to the bathroom with me for a second?" Ashley asked, appearing out of nowhere, looking to me.

"Yeah, sure," I replied then looked to my cousins. "I'll be back."

Ash and I worked our way through the mass of people and finally found the bathrooms. We were standing in front of the long glass mirror while she was trying to fix her makeup, but the amount of tears pouring over her eyes made it hard to fix.

"Here, let me help," I said softly. I took some tissues out of the box and started to wipe away the black from her eyes.

"Look at me, I'm such a mess. I can't even keep myself together," she sobbed, more tears sliding down.

"Hey," I whispered. "You're not supposed to be able to keep yourself together. I'd be worried if you could, really. You just lost your husband after you just moved away from everything you know, it's understandable, Ash," I told her as I wrapped her in a hug.

"You're always so strong, Shane. I don't know how you do it," she said, letting out a breath and resting her head on my bare shoulder. "Always know the right things to say.."

I wasn't strong, not really. And normally I didn't know what I suppose to say half the time, especially when it came to things like this. I decided not to say anything, though. I just held her in my arms and let her cry.

"You ready to go back out there?" I asked her after a few minutes.

"As ready as I'll ever be," she said, looking at her reflection again.

"It's okay to cry, Ash," I told her before she gave me a sad nod. I watched her leave my side and find a group of people she hadn't yet talked to today as I stood just outside the little circle of my cousins who were still talking about Josh.

"Aunt Shane?" I could hear Ava repeatedly call, pushing her way through people in search of me.

"What is it, ba-"

There stood Jordan Staal, my niece's hand in his.

"What're you doing here?" I asked, looking around at my family and friends, hoping they were too engaged in their conversation to notice the hockey star.

"I'm just going to go play Go Fish with Jake," Ava sang before skipping away.

"We heard your brother passed away and wanted to come and let you know how sorry we are, pay our respects."

"We?" I asked, thinking of all the possibilities.

He moved to the side, looking behind himself, and that's when I saw who he was talking about. Marc-André, Tyler, Max, and..

Kris.

When I saw him, my heart jumped a bit and my breath got caught in my throat. His eyes were most likely focused on the floor beneath his feet, leaving his hair hanging in front of his face. He was behind the rest of the guys, too, the very last. They were all standing near the door--except for Jordan--still going unnoticed. I didn't intend to tell them about Josh's funeral, or where and when it was. I didn't really want to see them, I guess. I didn't want them to feel like they had to come, either, if I did tell them. They had never even met my brother, well, all but Kris. Instead of being here, they should have been shooting pucks or playing Xbox or messing with Geno.

"Sidney wanted me to tell you hello and that he's extremely sorry about your brother. He really tried to get here, but he had some photo thing that he couldn't get out of. And he hopes you'll be okay soon. We all do."

I smiled. Even though Sidney was always so busy, he made sure that you knew he cared and thought about you, always. It was the way he was raised--a good man with a huge heart, respectful and polite. "Tell him I said thank you."

"I will," he promised, silence falling over the two of us.

A moment or so passed before I spoke up. "Why.." I couldn't even form a sentence or a complete thought. I looked away from Jordan as tears started to well up again. "I was going to tell you what happened sooner or later, I swear. I'm so sorry. But I just, Jordan, it's so hard. First Kris, and now Josh."

"Yeah," he nodded. "I figured you would, but Alexa beat you to it." I swear I could hear some of the hurt in his voice. I guess we were closer than I had originally thought, and that mistake made me feel awful, it really did. "Maybe you should talk with Kris. I mean, he went through the same thing. He knows what it feels like."

"No," I immediately replied, my voice cracking. "No," I shook my head.

"He's hasn't been the same, Shane, not even close." Tears fell from my eyes. I knew he wasn't just talking about Luc, he was talking about me. And truthfully, I didn't want to hear about Kris right now. It was the last thing I needed.

I sighed. "Look.. Thank you for coming. I appreciate it, really, I do. It means a lot to me. But I just can't handle it all right now. I wasn't even completely over Kris when Josh passed away. It's so much harder. And I wish I could..," I shook my head. "You don't have to stay, honestly. I understand that people know how you are, all of you. Besides, you guys never even met Josh. I'd never expect you to come here in the first place. But it does make me happy that you came," I smiled a little bit, my eyes watery.

Jordan opened his mouth to say something, but he was cut short.

"Shane! I missed you," Max said, taking me in a hug. As soon as we pulled away, my eyes were all over the place, searching for the boy who shattered my heart. They usually stayed near one another, so it was only a matter of time before Kris and I saw each other.

"He's not in here, he had to take a call."

"Oh," was all I said.

"How are you?" Marc asked me.

"Take a guess, Flower," I whispered, returning the hug he was giving me.

We talked for about fifteen minutes--Kris still nowhere to be found--before one of my cousins figured out who I was talking to. He asked for an autograph, and they kindly signed a piece of paper for him. We made the eleven year old promise not to tell anyone so we could have some privacy.

The guys announced that they had to get going so they could pack and catch an early flight tomorrow morning. Kris still hadn't shown his face. And I was starting to wonder why he came.. He only knew my parents, Lex, and me, but he hadn't talked to any of us. Maybe the guys forced him to come because he didn't even want to be here. And if they did force him here, maybe he made up his mind to completely avoid me. But I think might've avoided them all-together if Kris hadn't taken that call or whatever, even if Ava did bring Jordan to me.

"Hang in there," Jordan smiled, giving me a hug.

"It'll be alright, one day," Flower said. "It will be."

"Call us if you need anything, okay?" Max told me.

"I will. Thanks for stopping by," I said, giving TK a quick hug.

"Everything happens for a reason," Tyler told me. I nodded in return before they walked out of the door.

I didn't see or hear Kris the whole time they were there--except for when they had first walked in the door.

Seeing the guys made Kris fill my mind, on top of all my thoughts about Josh. It was so much worse than it had to be. But I still appreciated the fact that they thought about me, and cared enough to come see me at my worst.

We left the funeral home an hour or so later and went to the cemetery. It was cold and rainy, completely appropriate, I guess. When they lowered Josh into the ground.. I was a complete mess. Tears were flooding over my eyes, clouding my vision, there weren't enough Kleenexes to keep up with my running nose, and I was so weak I could barely stand. The sounds of sobs and the light droplets of rain filled the air around us. I held onto Alexa the whole time, wishing that it wasn't really happening.

Broken hearted because of Kris, and completely shattered because of Josh's death.. It was like waiting in a line at a grocery store, then forgetting something and getting out of line so you can find whatever it was that you forgot, and finally getting back in line, behind everyone else. I had to start back at square one.

And square one started right now, right after the dirt piled on top of Josh and covered him completely. I sighed and turned away from my brother's grave, stuffing my hands into the pockets of my dress. Something crinkled in my right hand--paper, I guessed. A confused look made its way across my face as I pulled whatever it was out of my pocket.

I told you I would alway be here for you.

Even if I didn't know whose handwriting it was, the way they spelled, or misspelled "always", it told me exactly who had written it.

Kristopher.