The Rev That Saved Me

“Eve.” I felt someone kiss my shoulder and I winced slightly. “Babe?” Johnny’s voice pulled me from the memory of sleeping in my closet of a bedroom.

“Sorry, nightmare.” I explained and he nodded his head.

“Want to talk about it?” He asked as he sat up and put on a shirt.

“Not really.” I mumbled while sitting up in bed.

“You never do.” He whispered and I felt my heart break at the hurt laced in his tone.

Johnny and I have been seeing each other for a month and I’ve been sleeping at his place for two weeks. He’s really patient with me, and I thank him for that, but I can tell that it can only last for so much longer. I haven’t told him about my past, though everyone else basically knows, and I haven’t let him see me naked yet and I know it’s killing him to hold off for so long. I want him to know all these things that haunt my every dream, but at the same time I’m afraid to loose him if he turns out to think I’m too fucked up for him.

“Johnny.” He turned to me and I smiled before kissing him. “I just… I’m not ready yet. I’m sorry.” I whispered into the crook of his neck. He laced his fingers with my hair before kissing my forehead lightly.

“I understand. But I’ll always be here when you’re ready.” He whispered before his cell went off. “It’s Matt. He probably wants to meet at the studio.” He said before reading the text. “I was right.” He sighed and I giggled before pulling him into a kiss. I buried my hands into his silky blond and black hair before he pulled away. “You’ll have a dead boyfriend if I’m late again.” He whispered and I groaned.

“Matt can go choke on a cock.” He laughed before giving me a warning look. “What? I miss you. Ever since you guys found a drummer to help with this album I don’t get to see you anymore.” I whined and he chuckled.

“We’re almost finished. I promise we’ll hang out again.” He whispered and I groaned more.

“After you’re finished you’ll shoot some videos and then go on tour.” I pouted and he kissed me lightly on the neck.

“You don’t trust me?”

“I trust you. I just… miss you. But I knew what I’d have to deal with it the minute I said yes to dating you.” I said as I got out of his bed.

I walked to his dresser and pulled out a pair of my black skinnies and one of his shirts. I felt his eyes on me, burning my body, and smiled slightly. I loved Johnny, and I told him every day, and I knew he loved me, but I also knew that by now he lusted after me.

“You working this early too?” He asked as I turned to face him.

“No. Angel said she wanted to teach me some things and then Leanna is supposed to take me to the hospital again.” I explained and he grunted.

“Why do you keep having to go to the hospital?” I smiled at him as I pulled on my skinnies.

“I don’t know. Doctors keep wanting to test shit since they don’t have my medical records.” I can’t believe I lied to him again. Truth is the doctors are concerned with my body since every broken bone healed without proper attention, so things got screwed up in there somewhere… They also think I may not be able to have kids anymore. That’s one of the reasons why I was going back today, to see if I can.

“I think they just want to touch your body.” He grumbled and I smirked before straddling his waist.

“Don’t worry. If they try anything then I’ll beat them and call you so you can kill them.” I said before kissing him again.

“You better.” He whispered as his hands slid under my shirt and onto my skin. I moaned lightly at the feel of his cold hands on my burning flesh.

“Hey! Eve! You’re gonna be late. And Johnny, Matt said if you’re not at the studio in ten minutes he’s going to kill you!” Val shouted and we groaned.

“Sorry babe.” He whispered before kissing me.

“Not as sorry as I am.” I muttered before getting off of him.

“Have fun. I love you.” He said before exiting the room.

“Love you too!” I shouted before taking off my over sized Avenged shirt and replacing it with his black and white striped long sleeve shirt.

“You still haven’t told him yet?” Val asked as I ran down the stairs.

“I have a pussy so I can act like a pussy okay.” I said as I put on my black ballet flats.

“She’s got you there Val.” Bri said and I smiled.

“Where’s Lea?”

“In the car waiting for us.” Val said as she grabbed my messenger bag.

“Okay. Let’s go.” I beamed as we walked out the car and to where Leanna was parked.

*Doctor’s office*

“Miss Silver?” A nurse called and I stood up, yeah I was using Leanna’s old last name.

“Good luck.” The girls called and I smiled as I followed the nurse.

We walked down the sterile white halls and I wanted to vomit with every step. For such a clean and anti biotic place like this, it reeked of death. I always thought the smell of the club would make me want to vomit, but no this place had it beat by a long shot. I’ve been to the doctors like every week since Johnny and I started going out and I still couldn’t get used to this foul smell.

“Right in here.” The nurse motioned to an empty room.

“Do you know if it’s good news?” I asked worried that I wouldn’t be able to have babies. I knew I wasn’t in any condition to give life to someone but I’ve always wanted a child, and right now I want to be able to have a child with Johnny.

“I’m afraid I don’t know. I’m sorry.” She said and I sighed before walking into the room.

She left me alone to wait for the news. I was afraid and I just wanted the damn doctor to tell me head on. Can I have Johnny’s kid or not? I looked around the room and saw pictures of children smiling, playing, laughing, and living with their parents.

What’s wrong Chicky- Poo? Jimmy asked as he held me to his chest.

“I hate waiting.”

Haha the best of us do. Trust me. He said and I clutched on to his shirt.

“What if he says I can’t?”

That’s bull! If you can’t have babies but the rest of these fucked up people can then there is something fucking wrong with this world today! Jimmy shouted as the doctor came in.

“Miss Silver, I’m afraid I have some bad news.” He took a deep breath as mine caught in my throat. “The tests came back… I’m sorry. The chances of you giving birth are very slim. Your body can’t handle it and, yes you can conceive, but it will always come out to be a still birth.”

“What?” I asked as the tears pooled inside my eyes.

“Whatever happened to your body growing up, made it difficult for you to be able to carry a baby for a long period of time. I’m sorry.” He said and I just felt the tears stream out.

“Thank you.” I whispered as he got up to leave.

Chi--

“Why can’t I have a baby Jimmy? Why can’t I just have a normal happy life?” I asked as my body shook with every sob. “What did I do to deserve this?” I asked as I put my head between my knees.

“Baby girl?” Leanna asked and I turned to her. “Oh baby.” She said as she ran over to hug me.

“I can conceive… I just can’t give birth to a living baby..” I cried out as all three girls hugged me. I looked at the wall, at the children mocking me, and cried harder. This pain was so much worse than every beating, every heartache, every betrayal, every time I was used, and every death combined. This pain was for a life that I could never give. “Why?” I questioned as Leanna’s tears fell onto my shoulders.

We sat there crying for what seemed like hours, but in reality it was only ten minutes before the nurse told us we needed to leave the room. My tears had stopped at that time as everyone elses just kept flowing. I felt sorry for Leanna because I was sure she was thinking of the child she could never have with Jimmy. Matt and Val could still have a child of their own, and so could Bri and Brian. But there was no hope for Leanna and I. We were left to bear that pain, left to realize the emptiness of it all.

“Baby girl, we’re at the club.” Leanna said and I blinked at the change of scenery. She was right. We weren’t at the hospital anymore.

“Okay.” I whispered, to numb to do anything else.

“Come on Luv.” Bri whispered as she helped me out of the car. I couldn’t move on my own, I needed help for almost everything. With that realization I shook my head and plastered on my mask, my smile.

“Please don’t tell Johnny.” I begged the girls. I could see the hesitation in their eyes before they nodded their heads. “Thank you.” I whispered as we entered the club.

“Hey girlies! Who wants to learn to pole dance?” Angel beamed and I smiled before running up to the steps.

“This is my lesson?”

“Yup. And it makes for a great work out.” She said with a smile.

*Three hours later*

“You girls did great!” Angel beamed and we smiled at her.

“EVE!” Johnny shouted when he saw me. I smiled through the pain in my heart.

“Eve?” Leanna asked and I turned to her. “Baby girl, don’t show him that face if you don’t want him to know.” She whispered and I nodded.

“Yeah…” I trailed off as Johnny and the guys came up to us.

“Hey, how was the doctors?” He asked and the others just gave me a look.

“More doctor visits?” They asked and I smiled.

“Yeah. Doctors was good. Said everything was normal and healthy.” I said smiling.

Chicky- Poo… Jimmy trailed off as tears fell from his eyes. I knew he wanted me to be honest and tell Johnny… But I’d rather live this lie right now before I break his heart.

I walked up to Johnny and wrapped my arms around his neck to hug him.

“I love you Johnny.” I whispered as I stared at the girls telling the boys what I had told them. Each guy stared at me for a brief second before their eyes betrayed the smiles they fed me. They felt sorry for me, they wanted me to be happy, and I bit my tongue to stop the tears.

“I love you too.” Johnny said as he held me close to him.

At that moment in time I just wanted the world to stop. To let everything melt away as I stayed in Johnny’s arms. And yet at the same time I just wish Jimmy was alive with Leanna and the rest of us, I could have a child, and we could just be one happy family without the missing pieces.