Please Don't Forgive Me

“Anika,” Garrett called as I walked past him and onto the bus, “aren’t you going to talk about this? Aren’t we going to talk about this?” I closed my eyes and spun around on my heels.

“What is there to talk about?” I put my hand on my hips and lifted my sunglasses off my nose and into my hair.

“Anika, you know what there is to talk about.” I rolled my eyes and sighed.

“You don’t get it. There’s nothing to talk about. I know what I’m doing and its just going to cause a fight. Okay?” I turned to board the bus, leaving Garrett out in the summer heat.

“So you’re not even going to think about it? You’re just going to get rid of it?” he yelled as John walked past me.

“Get rid of what?” he asked, only making the tension worse.

“Her baby,” Garrett spat. Something snapped inside of me and I turned back toward Garrett quickly and angrily.

“It is not my baby,” I said defensively. “I didn’t choose to have sex and I certainly didn’t choose to get pregnant. This is so not my baby. Right now, it’s just a parasite, and that’s all it will ever be!”

“So you won’t even give it a chance at life?”

“If you could choose right now, would you let Dane live? Or would you tear him limb from limb?” I paused to catch my breath. “This is his child—not mine—and I don’t want it!”

“Fine,” he said. “Fine, be a hypocrite and kill it.”

“I’m not a hypocrite. I didn’t want any of this! I have no responsibility to assume, because I didn’t do anything wrong to put me in this situation!” I fumed. “I never should have let you talk me into coming on tour,” I yelled as I walked away.

“Oh, come on, that’s just a little dramatic.”

“I just want to go home, Garrett. I just want to go back to Arizona, and when you get back I want to act like none of this ever happened.”

“I won’t let you go back to Arizona alone,” he stated quickly.

“And who the hell are you to ‘let’ me do something? You aren’t one of my parents and I’m not a child.”

“Well, you’re acting like one,” he scoffed.

“No, Garrett, I’m acting like an adult. I’m making a choice that everyone else supports. I’m making a choice because I have to. You’re the one who is acting like a child. You’re my best friend. You’re the one who’s supposed to have my back in all of this!” I paused to breathe and collect my thoughts. “I don’t want to do this—especially not alone. And don’t tell me you’ll be there because you’ll always have touring and band stuff. I don’t want this Garrett.”

“I would be there for you, and I am your best friend,” he sighed.

“You aren’t acting like it. Do you know how disgusted I feel to think that I’m carrying Dane’s child? Do you really think I want to look at my kid everyday of its life and be reminded of that creep?”