Please Don't Forgive Me

I sighed contently waking up in Garrett’s arms. It was like a fairytale—being in his arms. His hands were resting on my stomach and that’s when I remembered. I remembered that I was pregnant.

In spite of myself, a small smile spread across my face. Garrett and I had created this baby. I knew I could love it, there was no doubt in my mind. I had wanted Garrett’s baby since who-knows when. I had just never considered it a possibility.

“Morning,” he mumbled as he tightened his arms around me.

“Morning,” I smiled sinking in closer to him. I was so warm and so comfortable that I didn’t want to think about moving. I sighed again contently until he pulled his arms away and rolled out of bed. He was still wearing his clothes from last night. They were wrinkled and his hair was more disheveled than usual. “Come back to bed,” I moaned. He leaned down to kiss me and then stood back up.

“I’m going to go shower and then I’ll make you breakfast. What do you want?” he asked before stealing a kiss.

“I want you to come back to bed,” I sighed. He smiled, kissed me again and walked into the bathroom. I heard him turn on the water and close the shower door. I let out a small laugh as he started singing in the shower.

As I continued to lay in my spot in bed, I was very tempted to cross the room and walk into the steamy, foggy, muggy bathroom and join him in the shower. Despite my temptation, I stayed where I was. I let myself fall deeper into his scent and his soft sheets and pillows. I closed my eyes, but I could still see the sunlight when I was facing the window.

After a few minutes the water stopped and the shower door opened and closed again. The sink started running and I’m assuming he brushed his teeth. Then he walked into the bedroom in nothing but a towel. “Now isn’t this a sight for sore eyes,” I giggle, my voice a little bit hoarse. He laughed, kissed me on the lips and continued to look for clothing.

He was buttoning his plaid shirt when I finally had the nerve to point out that we had a few things to discuss—least of all his departure from the tour; he knew he should have stayed just as well as I did, but it was still good to have him home. “We’ll talk about it. We will, but right now I’m just enjoying this. I’m enjoying us.” I smiled in reply as he rolled up the sleeves of the shirt.

“Have I told you how much I missed you?” I asked happily.

“Actually, I don’t think you have,” he laughed. “But I didn’t tell you how much I’ve missed you either.” He pecked me on the lips and pulled away. His hair was already dry from the ridiculous Arizona heat and he was fixing it to however he wanted it. “Okay, so what do you want for breakfast? You have to eat something,” he began turning back to me.

“I just want you to come back to bed,” I sighed. He gave me a look and I groaned. “But if I have to eat, I guess pancakes would be awesome. I’ve been living on cereal and yogurt.” I took his hand and crawled out of bed and followed him into the living room.

“Do we have pancake mix?” he asked opening the cabinets. I nodded slowly and pointed toward the second cabinet from the left. “Do you want chocolate chips?”

“Of course,” I scoffed. “There is no other way to eat pancakes. You should know that Garrett.” I smiled and sat down at the counter.

“Chocolate chip pancakes it is,” he smiled.

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We had both decided to sit down at the table in the corner to eat breakfast. With the sun shining in and the two of us laughing and smiling, we must have looked like some cliché photograph. The incredible attractive, well dressed guy and the nothing-more-than-average girl with her hair up in a mess wearing one of his t-shirts. The way my one leg was up on the chair, I could see it perfectly. We were together, we were happy, and I wanted to be that photograph, because at least I could have that forever.

“What should we do?” I finally allowed myself to ask. I couldn’t look at him and so my green eyes darted down to the plate.

“Well I was thinking while I’m here we could go to see that new movie you were talking about before I left and we could go out to dinner.” It wasn’t what I had meant and he knew that. But we let it go because it worked. We let it go because it was easy. It was easy to pretend nothing was about to change.

“Alright,” I said confirming our plans as my stomach began to churn. I could feel the bile making its way up my throat and I was doing everything I could to avoid running our moment. “Oh god,” I mumbled when I had no choice but to get up and run to the bathroom.

“Anika,” he said dropping his fork and running after me. He pulled my hair out of my pale, green tinged face as I fell to my knees in front of the toilet. This was exactly why I had avoided eating. I knew this would happen. He rubbed my back and soothed me until I was done. He wiped my mouth with a tissue, just like he had before, and I stood up to brush my teeth.

After brushing my teeth about ten times, we made our way to the couch. I laid down on my stomach, placing my head on a pillow on his lap and he was rubbing my back. The solution we had discovered to morning sickness months ago under different circumstances. “What do we do?” I asked softly, toying with a piece of my hair.

“What do you want to do?” he asked in reply. I wasn’t going to lie, I was a little surprised. “Do you want this baby?” I looked down and then straight ahead.

“We can’t afford a baby. You get money from merch and I get minimum wage.” I sighed and sank into silence.

“That isn’t what I asked. I asked if you wanted our baby. Is it another unwanted invader or do you want it?” I let out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding and I nodded my head yes.

“I want it more than anything.”