Please Don't Forgive Me

It was later in the day when he forced me out of the house and to my doctor’s appointment. I wasn’t exactly keen on leaving the apartment and going. When we were locked inside we could cuddle and pretend that we were some place cold and that we would have a white Christmas. When we were inside we could spend the entire time in each other’s arms.

The only thing that propelled me forward and made me go onward toward the brick building that the office was in was the knowledge that today we would find out what we were having. I wasn’t entirely sure that I wanted to know, but Garrett seemed to be ecstatic; like a little kid on Christmas morning. “Just calm down, would ya?” I asked as he sent a smile my way. “You’re way too excited.”

“You’re not excited enough,” he responded quickly.

“You can’t be serious,” I laughed. He squeezed my hand tighter and yanked me up from my seat when the nurse called my name; the same nurse from last time.

“Just have a seat and the doctor will be with you in a minute,” she said forcing a smile. Alright, granted that my track record didn’t appear too sparkly here, she was way too quick to judge. She didn’t know me or the situation I had been put in last summer. She didn’t know that I had been abducted, tied to a wall and left to die. She didn’t know that some creep had raped me and that that was how I had ended up pregnant the first time. She had no clue yet she judged me so quickly.

“What are you thinking about?” Garrett asked stroking my cheek. I wiped the perplexed look off of my face and turned to him. I put on a smile and looked him in the eye. “Come on. Don’t act like I didn’t see that look. And don’t tell me nothing’s wrong. Don’t tell me you aren’t thinking about anything. I know you better than that.” I sighed, guilty as charged.

“She’s so quick to judge me,” I said with a disgusted look on my face. “It’s written all over her face and it’s just in her mannerisms. She was last time too. I know that having an abortion in July and being almost four months pregnant again by Christmas isn’t exactly something that seems classy, but she doesn’t even know the half of it.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “She doesn’t know that I was…that I was…” I couldn’t make myself say it. I had never said the word out loud and I could barely think it.

“Just say it. Come on. I know you can. You can say it. It’ll be fine.”

“She doesn’t know that he raped me.” I sighed and it felt like a weight had been lifted. Saying the word was a relief. It no longer pressed down on my chest making it hard to breath and hard to live with. It was out there. I knew it, Garrett knew it, the guys all knew it, but now I could finally say it.

“How does it feel?” he asked with a small smile. I look up confused. “How does it feel to finally say it?”

“It feels like freedom,” I laughed. “I let it weigh me down and now I’m free. I was raped, I got pregnant, I had an abortion, I fell in love with the most wonderful guy on the planet and now I’m pregnant with his babies and now I’m free.” I saw his smile get wider and I laughed again. “It feels good to be able to say it; to know I’m over it; to know that he doesn’t have control over me.”

“I’m glad,” he said kissing me softly as the door opened and Dr. Miller walked in.

“So,” she greeted, “how is everything going? Anything strange? Out of the ordinary?”

“Nope,” I smiled. “I’m pretty sure everything has been fine.” I held Garrett’s hand tightly and smiled up at him.

“So are you excited to find out the genders?” she asked with a smile.

“Yes,” he responded. “She doesn’t know if she wants to know,” he added with a laugh. “She wants to keep it a secret.”

“Why don’t you find out now, and if I decide I want to know later, I’ll ask you.”

“We can do that right? You can tell me?” he asked Dr. Miller.

“If Anika says it’s okay then yes, I can,” she answered with a small laugh. Garrett turned to look at me, a hopeful look on his face.

“It’s okay,” I said laughing at him. He kissed me on the forehead and I leaned back on the table.

“Alright,” she said moving the transducer on to my stomach. I smiled seeing the two babies on the screen. They looked squished now; I could only imagine what they’d look like in a few months. She moved the image around, changed angles and zoomed in and out and then whispered something into Garrett’s ear. He smiled and squeezed my hand tighter.

“That good, huh?” I asked laughing.

“Oh yeah,” he responded with a small laugh.

“Is everything else good though? They’re healthy and everything?”

“Yes, everything is fine,” she smiled. I smiled back and gave Garrett’s hand a squeeze which he returned.

“Merry Christmas,” I said looking up at him.

“Merry Christmas,” he smiled down at me. “Are we good to go?” he asked Dr. Miller.

“Yes, you can leave. Go, have a happy holiday.” I wiped the gel off of my stomach and stood up, pulling my shirt down over my bump.

“Happy holidays to you too!” We walked out to the car holding hands and smiling.

“Are you sure you don’t want to know?” I turned in my seat to look at him.

“I don’t know yet. I’ll let you know later.” He pouted and started the car.

“So I have to keep this to myself? You know I’m not good with that.”

“You can tell whoever you want. As long as you don’t tell me.”

“But I want to tell you,” he sighed.

“Just drive home for now,” I laughed.