Please Don't Forgive Me

“No. Shh, you idiot. You’re gonna wake her up,” I heard John mumble.

“Well where the hell is Garrett?” Kennedy whispered.

“No clue. He’s been gone since we got back on the bus.”

“Well did anyone think of calling him?” Kenny asked. “Ouch, dude, not cool,” he responded as John hit him in the head.

“He’s not answering.”

“Has anyone tried using Anika’s phone? Maybe he’ll answer; think there’s a problem or something.” John hit him again as I lifted my head up.

“I can hear you idiots,” I mumbled.

“Oh, you’re up,” John said sliding a cup of coffee in front of me. “Do you know where your husband is?” I shook my head ‘no’ and took a sip of the coffee.

“No clue. He left after we got in an argument last night. He didn’t tell me where he was going; he just left.” I took another sip of coffee and checked my phone for missed calls. “And this, John, does not qualify as coffee. I thought we established this a long time ago.” He laughed and sat down.

“That’s because it’s decaf.” I groaned and looked at the time. “So, no clue where he would have gone?”

“No. Look he’s mad at me and I don’t know why. I mean I guess I’m stressing him out, but everything going on is driving me nuts. With him and tour and the kids and Dane and being pregnant… I never wanted kids. I never wanted to feel like a single parent which is exactly what it’s like when he’s gone. I never wanted to get married. I never wanted any of that until I fell in love with him. So in my mind it’s all still sketchy and unplanned and he doesn’t get that. It isn’t that I regret it; that I don’t want it. It’s just that I’m confused. He’s always been the one who’s good with kids. Babies cry when I’m within twenty feet of them. Emma won’t listen to a word I say. When he’s gone all Addison does is cry. Morgan acts mopey. And I know I should be telling this to him, but he just tells me it’ll all get better; that our love will make it work, but what about now? Right now I just want to go back to sleep so that I don’t feel like throwing up everything I’ve eaten in the last month but I can’t do that because in about twenty minutes Addison will wake up and want to be fed and if I’m lucky Emma and Morgan will sleep for another hour. And when they wake up they’re going to ask where Garrett is and this time I won’t have an answer for them because I don’t know where he is. And then they’ll want to be entertained all day and all I’ll hear is ‘mommy this’ and ‘mommy that’ and my headache will just get worse and worse and I’ll just feel like putting my head through a damn wall. And living on a bus doesn’t make it any easier, but I can’t exactly take the kids back to Tempe because God only knows where Dane is. And if Dane finds us God only knows what he’ll do. So, I just want Garrett to come back and I want to be able to tell him all of that so that maybe he understands just a little bit. But God only knows where he is right now.” John and Kennedy looked at me like I was a zombie; like I was a maniac. “I’m sorry,” I answered slowly. “That was uncalled for.”

“Its fine,” Kenny chimed in. “You need to vent, so you vented.” I nodded and stood up.

“Can you watch them if they wake up? Please? I’m going to go look for Garrett.” They nodded and I thanked them, turning to walk off of the bus.

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I had walked for about ten minutes until I found Garrett wandering back toward the bus. “Garrett!” I called. He looked up, saw me and looked back down. “Wait, Garrett, I need to talk to you. Please?” I ran to catch up with him and I grabbed his arm. “Garrett, please listen to me.” I lifted his sunglasses from his eyes. His eyes were red and bloodshot like he hadn’t slept at all. “Garrett?” I asked, my voice cracking.

“Ani, I did something bad.” And that was all I needed to hear before I broke into tears. That was all I needed to hear before I slapped him across the face. “I’m sorry,” he choked.

“Sorry doesn’t cut it!” I screamed. “No. Not this time!” He tried to catch up with me as I stormed back to the bus.

“Anika, just hear me out!” he yelled. He grabbed my arm and I pushed him away.

“You don’t get forgiven for cheating on me Garrett! That’s not how this works!” I walked backwards; the last few steps to the bus, and onto the bus. “You don’t get forgiven for this.”

“Just hear me out, please? I didn’t sleep with her. I swear. I made a promise to you Ani. I love you, just listen?” I shook my head ‘no’ violently, and I could feel the tears streaming down my face. “Please?”

“No.” I furiously wiped away my tears and ran to the back of the bus. “No,” I whispered.

“Anika?” John asked as I ran past him. I shook my head mumbling ‘no’ to myself over and over again. I snuck into the back lounge where the kids were sleeping. I curled up next to Morgan and Emma and cried silently. This was all that was left. This was all that could be left.

I held onto my children as I could hear the yelling between Garrett, Kenny and John. “I just kissed her!” I heard Garrett yell. “I didn’t do anything else, I swear!”

“And she’s supposed to believe you, Garrett? Really?” Kenny yelled.

“It’s the truth. It was wrong. I feel like shit. I love her. I’m sorry. I fucked up. I swear, all I did was kiss her.”

“You leave your pregnant wife and three kids here to cry so you can go hook up with some band slut and you expect to be forgiven?”

“I didn’t hook up with her! It was one kiss!”

“Garrett! No one believes you. Least of all her.” I pulled myself across the room and to the door and forced myself to walk out.

“I don’t know what to believe anymore Garrett,” I whispered. “I don’t know what to think.”