I Won't Be Home for Christmas
Two
She had a plate ready as she scooped scrambled eggs from the pan before she added bacon and grilled mushrooms to the side and two slices of grilled cheese on toast to the other, both cut into halves, just the way Jensen liked it. She placed the plate on the table between the knife and fork. She then positioned the cup of double shot espresso next to the glass of orange juice before sitting the bottle of Worcestershire sauce and the pepper and salt next to that. With a pleased sigh she set about cleaning the mess she’d just made.
It was about ten minutes later when Jensen walked into the kitchen, his nose obviously dragging him from the bedroom quicker then normal due to his uniform shirt still hanging open and the tie dangling loosely around his neck. She held in her appreciative glances, hiding the fact that the way he was dressed was very quickly turning her brain to mush and sending her into a world of sexual fantasy. But she was mad at him, so she shoved all her thoughts to the back of her head and turned back to the sink without so much as a wave of acknowledgment.
Jensen sighed after he’d stepped into the kitchen and was dutifully ignored by his wife. She’d made him his favorite, the plate of food towering anything he’d get from the mess hall on base. He was grateful, that even though she was angry with him, she’d still made him enough breakfast so that he wouldn’t be starving all day. He sat down and picked up his knife and fork before he stared at the plate in front of him in contemplation. He took a deep breath and looked over at his wife, who had her back to him.
“I’m sorry.” He started before he put his cutlery down and turned in his seat to face her back fully. “I don’t like this any more then you do but I can’t do anything about it. I’m in charge, but I don’t call the shots. If I get called in I have to respond. I know it’s not fair on you and Dean, I know its not. And for that I’m sorry, so sorry. I don’t want to fight with you. I don’t want to see you down, or have you not talk to me. I don’t want there to be a problem with us.” He turned back to his food and stared at the strips of crispy bacon. “I love you Jess, you’re the only one I’ve ever felt this way about and it tears me up inside to know I’m hurting you.”
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll deal with it. You won’t be gone long, right?” Now she was facing him, though she was looking down.
“I don’t know.” He sighed in defeat and rubbed his face. “I’m off leave.”
“What?” Jess almost shouted as she dropped the tea towel she was ringing in her hands.
“I got a call, they’re deploying me. A car will be here within the hour to pick me up and take me to base where I’ll wait for the air lift. I’m going into combat.”
“They can’t do that!” Jess cried as she stepped over to the table and stared down at him. “Please tell me you didn’t agree to this.”
“I had no choice.”
“Damn it Jensen.” Jess couldn’t hold it in any more, she just wanted to slap him but instead she settled for bursting into tears in front of him. She hated the thought of being seen as weak in his eyes but she’d had enough, she was at the end of her rope. “Why do you keep doing this?”
“I have no say in the matter Jess. I get called in, I go in. I do what I’m told and I don’t argue. You argue, you get discharged and I can’t afford to get discharged. Not after all these years. I didn’t climb the rank ladder to get this far then complain. You know me better then that, I’m not a quitter.”
“Then why do I feel like you’ve quit this marriage?” Jensen looked up in shock. Of all the things he’d expected her to say, she’d slapped out at him with this one.
“What?”
“You never fight for me. You never fight for us. You don’t tell them you can’t do it because you need to be home with your pregnant wife and three year old boy. I know it’s your duty. I know it is but for crying out loud there are others just as high up as you that could do the job. Why does it always have to be you? Why do you always have to let it be you?” Her voice was a broken sob as she threw her arms up and let them fall again.
“That’s what you think? You really think I’ve just thrown in the towel on us?” He got up, stepped over to her and spun her around so that she could see that he wasn’t messing around. “I have never given up on us! We’ve been together for nine years; the last six of them we’ve spent married. And not once have I turned my back on you. Not once have I not fought hard so that I could come home to you. I have not quit this marriage, Jess.” As she tried to look away he gripped her face in his palms and made her look him in the eyes. “I’ve never given up on you Jess. Never. So when you tell me you feel like you’ve been quited on, I don’t know what to do with you. I love you. I’m in love with you. Why can’t you see past the Army and see me?”
“I do. I do see past the Army and see you.” She lifted her hands to cover his with hers and looked him dead in the eye. “But you need to see past the Army and see us. Can you do that? Can you look past it all and honestly say that when you wake up in the morning you’re not thinking of your duty? I love you Jensen, but you’re married to your work. No, not married. You’re chained to your duty. You let it lead you around and make your choices for you.”
“Jess,”
“Think about it, you’ll come to see I’m right. Now eat your breakfast.” And with that she drew his hands away from her and walked away, disappearing down the hall. Jensen stood stunned still for a minute after she’d left, before he dropped into his chair and stared blindly out the window across from him. He was twisting his wedding band, eyes unseeing when a little hand leaned up and tugged on his tie. He felt it being pulled off before he looked down and saw his son staring up at him with a huge smile, the tie now wrapped around his head like a ninja band but for the huge bow it was tied into.
“Hey there Champion.” Jensen grinned as he lifted his little boy up onto his lap and let him play with his dog tags.
“Daddy, why mommy cry?” Dean asked with a smile, as he lifted the dog tag to his lips and bit into it, a line of slobber following after the metal as Jensen took it off of his son. “It mommy sick?”
“No son, mommy’s not sick.”
“Then why she cries?” Dean flashed his gap toothed grin and stared up at his father with bright green eyes, ones that reflected Jensen’s exactly. Jensen sighed, as Dean twirled the tiny hairs on the nape of his head and waited for an answer. Jessica’s words rang in his mind and he knew he had to tell Dean he wasn’t going to be home.
“Mommy’s upset.”
“Sad? Why she sad? It chrismas. She be happy.” Dean giggled as he wriggled around in his dads arm before he grabbed a slice of the toast and stuff a corner into his mouth, sucking on it without taking a bite out of it.
“No Dean.” Jensen shook his head and took the toast off the little boy. “I have to tell you something, so can you listen up Champ?”
“Otay Daddy.” Dean dropped himself onto his bottom on his fathers lap and gripped his arm so he wouldn’t fall before he grinned up at his father with rosy cheeks.
“Now you know daddy loves you very much,”
“Yesh! Daddy love Dean. Dean a good boy so Daddy stay home for chrismas.” Dean bounced in his fathers lap due to excitement, causing Jensen to sigh.
“Champ, Daddy has to go back to work.”
“After new year. Mommy said Daddy stay to be at new year paty. You not go to the works.”
“Dean, let me finish.”
“Otay Daddy.” To stop himself from talking again, Dean gripped the grilled cheese on toast and began sucking on the corner again.
“Your father got called due to a very serious situation. I need to go fight to keep you and your mommy safe from the bad guys. And I won’t be home for a while.” Jensen waited for Dean to process all his words.
“You not go to works. You stay home and we go to chrismas and uncal Jayed and ony Em-em give Dean prestants cost Dean a good boy. You stay, you not go.” Dean shook his head roughly, his toast forgotten.
“No Dean. Daddy has to go. I have to go Dean. I won’t be home for Christmas.” Jensen looked his little boy in the eye to make sure he understood he was being serious. Dean’s little eyebrows met in the middle as he thought it over in confusion.
“You not be home for paty? You go awai to be gone for chrismas?” Dean looked down at his toast before he looked back up at his father. “You not give Dean prestants for be good boy?”
“I’ve got your presents, but I won’t be here to see you open them.”
“But Dean wat good!” Dean jumped down, and looked up at his father. “I wat good, you no go! You be home for chrismas! You don’t let me by myself! I don wan you go.”
“Dean.” Jensen started as he stood.
“Daddy don go.” Dean dived at his fathers’ leg, hugging it and pressing his tear streaked cheeks into it as he gripped tightly to his fathers pants. “Dean wat good. I wat good boy.”
“Hey, don’t cry Dean.” Jensen took his sons hands from around his leg before he knelt and placed his hands on his sons’ sides. “You have to be a big boy now okay, and you have to be good for your mother while I’m gone.”
“You don go! Dean wat good!” Dean cried, his eyes welling up with fat tears that had Jensen swallowing.
“I know Champ, you were a really good boy. But I have to go; I have to help save people.”
“You don wan be hom with chrismas.” Now the tears fell, Dean’s cheeks heating and going blotchy red. “You don love Dean anmore!”
“Hey, that’s not true Dean.” Jensen went to pull Dean into his arms but Dean just screamed and struggled out of his hold. Jensen let him go and covered his mouth with his left hand as he watched his little boy cry into the corner of the kitchen cupboards. “Dean.”
“You don wan Dean anmore. You don love me. You ony go all time and make mommy cry cost you don love us. But I wat good, I did brushed teeth, all of tem. But you til no love me.”
“Dean I love you. I love you more then anything little man, but I need to go to the base, I need to fight.” Jensen sighed and watched his son closely. Dean slowly turned his head and looked at his father over his shoulder. “Can you forgive me?”
“No!” Dean screamed at him just as Jess stepped into the kitchen with a worried expression on her face. Jensen looked up at her before he let his face drop as Dean cried out and ran to his mother before hugging her leg and hiding behind her.
“Dean, honey what’s wrong?” Jess asked as she placed a hand on top of the little boys head and stroked his short hair soothingly.
“Daddy not wan be with Dean an mommy for chrismas. Daddy go to work an be in bad place not to be hom with Dean. Daddy don love me anmore.”
“Dean,” Jensen started but went silent when Dean hid away from him again. Jess looked down at Jensen with sad eyes before she slowly lowered into a crouch in front of Dean and pulled him into a hug. When Dean had calmed down a little bit, she pulled him away and held her palm against his tiny face.
“Baby, you need to listen to me very carefully, can you do that?”
“Otay mommy.” Dean sniffled.
“Your daddy loves you very much, and some bad men are trying to hurt you and other little boys and girls along with all the mommies and daddies. So he has to go and stop them so that they can’t hurt you, so that you can continue to play without being scared. Your daddy and other daddies just like him, have to go and protect you and the ones they love so that you can all have a Christmas. Do you understand?”
“But Daddy not fights. Daddy gets sick and not be hom for chrismas. Daddy not loves Dean anmore.” Dean looked down as the tears began to fall again and ringed his tiny fingers in his shirt front.
“Baby,” Jess smiled softly as she brushed her fingers through her sons’ hair. “He’s going, he’s fighting because he does love you and he doesn’t want anyone to hurt you. Not ever.”
“Really?” Dean asked, his bottom lip jutting out in a sad pout.
“Why don’t you go and ask him?” Jess smiled warmly as she turned Dean to face his father and lightly patted him on the bottom. Dean waited a moment, his face towards the ground as he looked at his father from under his lashes before he walked forward, reached out and tugged his fathers open shirt.
“Daddy?”
“What is it son?” Jensen watched as Dean poked at his wedding ring before he lifted his hand and let Dean turn the ring around his finger.
“Do you be a hero to keep the monsters away from me?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because I couldn’t live if anything happened to you or your mother.”
“But don you get scared? What if the monster is bigger hen you? What if it a spider an it won get died with spray? What if you get in its web an it try to eat you? Can you eat it back? Daddy I don wan you fighting spiders, they not nice an they hairy.”
“I’ll let you in on a little secret.” Jensen started as he waved Dean closer. “Spiders are scared of boots. If you see one and it’s scaring your mother, you have to get a boot and hit it, you understand?”
“Will my Ben Ten shoe kills it?” Dean giggled.
“So long as you whack it with all your strength.”
“Daddy, I don wan you gets hurted.” Dean sniffled and clutched his fathers’ shirt.
“I know Dean; I don’t want to get hurt either. But I have to go fight so that you’re safe. If I know you and your mother are safe at home, then I’m okay. I’ll be able to call you on Christmas to tell you I love you and you’ll be able to tell me about all the cool things Santa brought you.”
“And I won open Daddies prestants from Santa. You open wen you win fighting.”
“Come here.” Jensen opened his arms and was relieved when Dean quickly hurried into them. He lifted him as he stood, hugging his son close to him and sniffing his little boys scent in as deep as he could, committing to memory the scent of grass and dirt and washing powder along with the natural smell that was uniquely Dean. When he felt Dean go lax in his arms he looked down to see his little boy dozing in his arms, his head resting against his heart. Jensen looked up to see Jess watching him with tear filled eyes. “He’s asleep. I don’t want to wake him.”
“I’ll take him back to bed so you can eat your breakfast. It’s sure to be cold by now.” She wiped her cheeks and smiled before she let Jensen place Dean in her arms. When she had him comfortable in her arms and not pressing against her stomach, she turned and headed back up the stairs silently. Jensen rubbed the back of his neck before he checked his watch, sighed and went to eat as much of his cold breakfast as he could get down. A few minutes later he was done, having eaten and buttoned his shirt and tied his tie and was now staring at his wedding ring. He looked up when he felt a hand on his back to find his wife looking down at him.
“My ride should be here any second.” He sighed. She nodded silently before she lifted his arms and positioned herself on his lap before she pulled his arms around her and leaned into his touch. He rested his cheek on top of her head, doing the same as he did with Dean, memorizing her scent. When the door bell rang, he gripped Jess tighter and pressed his lips to her hair. Jess pulled away to look at him before she burst into tears and wrapped her arms around his neck, burring her face in his throat.
“I don’t want you to go. Please don’t go. Don’t leave me.” The bell rang again, causing Jess to tighten her arms and cry harder. Jensen made soothing noises as he stroked her long hair down her back before he pulled her away and held her distraught face in his hands and looked at her.
“I’ll come home.”
“But what if you don’t?” She panicked, the tears falling harder. “What if you don’t come home? What if something happens? I can’t do this without you. I thought I was fine with it but I’m not. I can’t if your not here, there, if you’re not anywhere. I won’t be able to. Please.”
“Hey, shh, baby.” He sniffed back his own tears and held himself together to try and calm his wife down before he kissed her deeply then looked her in the eyes. “I’m coming home. If I have to swim back, or sprout wings and fly back, I’m coming home to you and Dean. Nothings going to happen to me.”
“You promise?” She asked, her voice breaking off in a choked gasp.
“I promise.” The bell rang twice in a row impatiently causing Jensen to sigh. “I have to go.”
“Give me two seconds.” Jess jumped up from her spot on his lap and hurried up the stairs. Jensen went to the door and opened it, saluted the men waiting for him and hefted his duffel onto his shoulder. He waited, noticed the looks on the men’s faces before he sighed.
“Lieutenant, we must go. The air lift is in two hours, you need to be on that chopper Sir.”
“Alright.” Jensen checked his watch again before he looked up the stairs and waited two heart beats before he took a deep breath, looked around the hall then stepped out of the house and quietly shut the door behind him. He walked down the path and threw his duffel into the back seat when the door was opened for him. He turned to look at his home one last time before he turned and gripped the over head bar and began hoisting himself into the high up Hummer. He stopped when he heard his name being shouted out to him before he turned to see Jess rushing down the path barefoot in the snow. He jumped down quickly before running up the path to her. She jumped up at him, a move he didn’t see coming, and wrapped her arms tightly around his neck before she kissed him deeply and longingly. When she pulled away she breathed deep and cleared her throat before Jensen placed her back on her feet. “What are you doing, you’ll catch your death out here.”
“I said two seconds.” She smiled before she thrust forward a little black box with a tiny silver ribbon tied around it. “Merry Christmas baby.”
“Jess.”
“Open it. Please.” She bit her bottom lip, a nervous habit that had him smiling softly as he pulled the ribbon off.
“Lieutenant.”
“A minute Sergeant.” He turned, and waited. The Sergeant nodded and climbed up into his seat before Jensen turned back to Jess and lifted the lid on the small box. Inside the box was a dog tag with the words ‘You are my heart. Forever and Ever,’ neatly itched into the silver. He picked it up and noticed the tiny lock on it. With careful fingers he unlocked it and smiled when the dog tag opened to reveal a small photo of him and Jess on their wedding day on one side and on the other a small photo of the two of them with baby Dean at the hospital just after he was born. He stared at the tiny boy in his arms, then to his tired but smiling wife before he closed it and clutched it in his palm, the chain dangling from his fingers.
“I hope you’re allowed to wear it for as long as possible. Have it with you so you can have us close to your heart while you’re away. I love you Jensen. Please come home to me.” She swallowed her tears and nodded to him before she took a deep breath and sighed, the tears not falling but welling up in her eyes.
“I’ll wear it every second.” He kissed it before he lifted it over his head and tucked it under his uniform to rest beside his Army issued dog tags. “I love you. I’ll come home to you.”
“You better.” She kissed him one last time before she stepped away, her hands resting protectively over her pregnant stomach, rubbing every few seconds. Jensen smiled, before he knelt in front of her and placed his ear to her belly and listened to his unborn son move, and kick. With a wide grin, Jensen pressed his lips to the center of the bump before he got to his feet, pressed his palm lovingly to his wife’s cheek, before he turned and walked back to the Hummer and climbed in.
“We good to go Sir?”
“Yeah.” Jensen turned back to face Jess and nodded to her with a smile before he turned back forward and nodded to the men. He watched Jess grow tiny into the distance before he pulled out the dog tag and opened the locket to study the pictures. While they stayed, he went, but now he went with them beside him and because of that he knew he’d be alright.
It was about ten minutes later when Jensen walked into the kitchen, his nose obviously dragging him from the bedroom quicker then normal due to his uniform shirt still hanging open and the tie dangling loosely around his neck. She held in her appreciative glances, hiding the fact that the way he was dressed was very quickly turning her brain to mush and sending her into a world of sexual fantasy. But she was mad at him, so she shoved all her thoughts to the back of her head and turned back to the sink without so much as a wave of acknowledgment.
Jensen sighed after he’d stepped into the kitchen and was dutifully ignored by his wife. She’d made him his favorite, the plate of food towering anything he’d get from the mess hall on base. He was grateful, that even though she was angry with him, she’d still made him enough breakfast so that he wouldn’t be starving all day. He sat down and picked up his knife and fork before he stared at the plate in front of him in contemplation. He took a deep breath and looked over at his wife, who had her back to him.
“I’m sorry.” He started before he put his cutlery down and turned in his seat to face her back fully. “I don’t like this any more then you do but I can’t do anything about it. I’m in charge, but I don’t call the shots. If I get called in I have to respond. I know it’s not fair on you and Dean, I know its not. And for that I’m sorry, so sorry. I don’t want to fight with you. I don’t want to see you down, or have you not talk to me. I don’t want there to be a problem with us.” He turned back to his food and stared at the strips of crispy bacon. “I love you Jess, you’re the only one I’ve ever felt this way about and it tears me up inside to know I’m hurting you.”
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll deal with it. You won’t be gone long, right?” Now she was facing him, though she was looking down.
“I don’t know.” He sighed in defeat and rubbed his face. “I’m off leave.”
“What?” Jess almost shouted as she dropped the tea towel she was ringing in her hands.
“I got a call, they’re deploying me. A car will be here within the hour to pick me up and take me to base where I’ll wait for the air lift. I’m going into combat.”
“They can’t do that!” Jess cried as she stepped over to the table and stared down at him. “Please tell me you didn’t agree to this.”
“I had no choice.”
“Damn it Jensen.” Jess couldn’t hold it in any more, she just wanted to slap him but instead she settled for bursting into tears in front of him. She hated the thought of being seen as weak in his eyes but she’d had enough, she was at the end of her rope. “Why do you keep doing this?”
“I have no say in the matter Jess. I get called in, I go in. I do what I’m told and I don’t argue. You argue, you get discharged and I can’t afford to get discharged. Not after all these years. I didn’t climb the rank ladder to get this far then complain. You know me better then that, I’m not a quitter.”
“Then why do I feel like you’ve quit this marriage?” Jensen looked up in shock. Of all the things he’d expected her to say, she’d slapped out at him with this one.
“What?”
“You never fight for me. You never fight for us. You don’t tell them you can’t do it because you need to be home with your pregnant wife and three year old boy. I know it’s your duty. I know it is but for crying out loud there are others just as high up as you that could do the job. Why does it always have to be you? Why do you always have to let it be you?” Her voice was a broken sob as she threw her arms up and let them fall again.
“That’s what you think? You really think I’ve just thrown in the towel on us?” He got up, stepped over to her and spun her around so that she could see that he wasn’t messing around. “I have never given up on us! We’ve been together for nine years; the last six of them we’ve spent married. And not once have I turned my back on you. Not once have I not fought hard so that I could come home to you. I have not quit this marriage, Jess.” As she tried to look away he gripped her face in his palms and made her look him in the eyes. “I’ve never given up on you Jess. Never. So when you tell me you feel like you’ve been quited on, I don’t know what to do with you. I love you. I’m in love with you. Why can’t you see past the Army and see me?”
“I do. I do see past the Army and see you.” She lifted her hands to cover his with hers and looked him dead in the eye. “But you need to see past the Army and see us. Can you do that? Can you look past it all and honestly say that when you wake up in the morning you’re not thinking of your duty? I love you Jensen, but you’re married to your work. No, not married. You’re chained to your duty. You let it lead you around and make your choices for you.”
“Jess,”
“Think about it, you’ll come to see I’m right. Now eat your breakfast.” And with that she drew his hands away from her and walked away, disappearing down the hall. Jensen stood stunned still for a minute after she’d left, before he dropped into his chair and stared blindly out the window across from him. He was twisting his wedding band, eyes unseeing when a little hand leaned up and tugged on his tie. He felt it being pulled off before he looked down and saw his son staring up at him with a huge smile, the tie now wrapped around his head like a ninja band but for the huge bow it was tied into.
“Hey there Champion.” Jensen grinned as he lifted his little boy up onto his lap and let him play with his dog tags.
“Daddy, why mommy cry?” Dean asked with a smile, as he lifted the dog tag to his lips and bit into it, a line of slobber following after the metal as Jensen took it off of his son. “It mommy sick?”
“No son, mommy’s not sick.”
“Then why she cries?” Dean flashed his gap toothed grin and stared up at his father with bright green eyes, ones that reflected Jensen’s exactly. Jensen sighed, as Dean twirled the tiny hairs on the nape of his head and waited for an answer. Jessica’s words rang in his mind and he knew he had to tell Dean he wasn’t going to be home.
“Mommy’s upset.”
“Sad? Why she sad? It chrismas. She be happy.” Dean giggled as he wriggled around in his dads arm before he grabbed a slice of the toast and stuff a corner into his mouth, sucking on it without taking a bite out of it.
“No Dean.” Jensen shook his head and took the toast off the little boy. “I have to tell you something, so can you listen up Champ?”
“Otay Daddy.” Dean dropped himself onto his bottom on his fathers lap and gripped his arm so he wouldn’t fall before he grinned up at his father with rosy cheeks.
“Now you know daddy loves you very much,”
“Yesh! Daddy love Dean. Dean a good boy so Daddy stay home for chrismas.” Dean bounced in his fathers lap due to excitement, causing Jensen to sigh.
“Champ, Daddy has to go back to work.”
“After new year. Mommy said Daddy stay to be at new year paty. You not go to the works.”
“Dean, let me finish.”
“Otay Daddy.” To stop himself from talking again, Dean gripped the grilled cheese on toast and began sucking on the corner again.
“Your father got called due to a very serious situation. I need to go fight to keep you and your mommy safe from the bad guys. And I won’t be home for a while.” Jensen waited for Dean to process all his words.
“You not go to works. You stay home and we go to chrismas and uncal Jayed and ony Em-em give Dean prestants cost Dean a good boy. You stay, you not go.” Dean shook his head roughly, his toast forgotten.
“No Dean. Daddy has to go. I have to go Dean. I won’t be home for Christmas.” Jensen looked his little boy in the eye to make sure he understood he was being serious. Dean’s little eyebrows met in the middle as he thought it over in confusion.
“You not be home for paty? You go awai to be gone for chrismas?” Dean looked down at his toast before he looked back up at his father. “You not give Dean prestants for be good boy?”
“I’ve got your presents, but I won’t be here to see you open them.”
“But Dean wat good!” Dean jumped down, and looked up at his father. “I wat good, you no go! You be home for chrismas! You don’t let me by myself! I don wan you go.”
“Dean.” Jensen started as he stood.
“Daddy don go.” Dean dived at his fathers’ leg, hugging it and pressing his tear streaked cheeks into it as he gripped tightly to his fathers pants. “Dean wat good. I wat good boy.”
“Hey, don’t cry Dean.” Jensen took his sons hands from around his leg before he knelt and placed his hands on his sons’ sides. “You have to be a big boy now okay, and you have to be good for your mother while I’m gone.”
“You don go! Dean wat good!” Dean cried, his eyes welling up with fat tears that had Jensen swallowing.
“I know Champ, you were a really good boy. But I have to go; I have to help save people.”
“You don wan be hom with chrismas.” Now the tears fell, Dean’s cheeks heating and going blotchy red. “You don love Dean anmore!”
“Hey, that’s not true Dean.” Jensen went to pull Dean into his arms but Dean just screamed and struggled out of his hold. Jensen let him go and covered his mouth with his left hand as he watched his little boy cry into the corner of the kitchen cupboards. “Dean.”
“You don wan Dean anmore. You don love me. You ony go all time and make mommy cry cost you don love us. But I wat good, I did brushed teeth, all of tem. But you til no love me.”
“Dean I love you. I love you more then anything little man, but I need to go to the base, I need to fight.” Jensen sighed and watched his son closely. Dean slowly turned his head and looked at his father over his shoulder. “Can you forgive me?”
“No!” Dean screamed at him just as Jess stepped into the kitchen with a worried expression on her face. Jensen looked up at her before he let his face drop as Dean cried out and ran to his mother before hugging her leg and hiding behind her.
“Dean, honey what’s wrong?” Jess asked as she placed a hand on top of the little boys head and stroked his short hair soothingly.
“Daddy not wan be with Dean an mommy for chrismas. Daddy go to work an be in bad place not to be hom with Dean. Daddy don love me anmore.”
“Dean,” Jensen started but went silent when Dean hid away from him again. Jess looked down at Jensen with sad eyes before she slowly lowered into a crouch in front of Dean and pulled him into a hug. When Dean had calmed down a little bit, she pulled him away and held her palm against his tiny face.
“Baby, you need to listen to me very carefully, can you do that?”
“Otay mommy.” Dean sniffled.
“Your daddy loves you very much, and some bad men are trying to hurt you and other little boys and girls along with all the mommies and daddies. So he has to go and stop them so that they can’t hurt you, so that you can continue to play without being scared. Your daddy and other daddies just like him, have to go and protect you and the ones they love so that you can all have a Christmas. Do you understand?”
“But Daddy not fights. Daddy gets sick and not be hom for chrismas. Daddy not loves Dean anmore.” Dean looked down as the tears began to fall again and ringed his tiny fingers in his shirt front.
“Baby,” Jess smiled softly as she brushed her fingers through her sons’ hair. “He’s going, he’s fighting because he does love you and he doesn’t want anyone to hurt you. Not ever.”
“Really?” Dean asked, his bottom lip jutting out in a sad pout.
“Why don’t you go and ask him?” Jess smiled warmly as she turned Dean to face his father and lightly patted him on the bottom. Dean waited a moment, his face towards the ground as he looked at his father from under his lashes before he walked forward, reached out and tugged his fathers open shirt.
“Daddy?”
“What is it son?” Jensen watched as Dean poked at his wedding ring before he lifted his hand and let Dean turn the ring around his finger.
“Do you be a hero to keep the monsters away from me?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because I couldn’t live if anything happened to you or your mother.”
“But don you get scared? What if the monster is bigger hen you? What if it a spider an it won get died with spray? What if you get in its web an it try to eat you? Can you eat it back? Daddy I don wan you fighting spiders, they not nice an they hairy.”
“I’ll let you in on a little secret.” Jensen started as he waved Dean closer. “Spiders are scared of boots. If you see one and it’s scaring your mother, you have to get a boot and hit it, you understand?”
“Will my Ben Ten shoe kills it?” Dean giggled.
“So long as you whack it with all your strength.”
“Daddy, I don wan you gets hurted.” Dean sniffled and clutched his fathers’ shirt.
“I know Dean; I don’t want to get hurt either. But I have to go fight so that you’re safe. If I know you and your mother are safe at home, then I’m okay. I’ll be able to call you on Christmas to tell you I love you and you’ll be able to tell me about all the cool things Santa brought you.”
“And I won open Daddies prestants from Santa. You open wen you win fighting.”
“Come here.” Jensen opened his arms and was relieved when Dean quickly hurried into them. He lifted him as he stood, hugging his son close to him and sniffing his little boys scent in as deep as he could, committing to memory the scent of grass and dirt and washing powder along with the natural smell that was uniquely Dean. When he felt Dean go lax in his arms he looked down to see his little boy dozing in his arms, his head resting against his heart. Jensen looked up to see Jess watching him with tear filled eyes. “He’s asleep. I don’t want to wake him.”
“I’ll take him back to bed so you can eat your breakfast. It’s sure to be cold by now.” She wiped her cheeks and smiled before she let Jensen place Dean in her arms. When she had him comfortable in her arms and not pressing against her stomach, she turned and headed back up the stairs silently. Jensen rubbed the back of his neck before he checked his watch, sighed and went to eat as much of his cold breakfast as he could get down. A few minutes later he was done, having eaten and buttoned his shirt and tied his tie and was now staring at his wedding ring. He looked up when he felt a hand on his back to find his wife looking down at him.
“My ride should be here any second.” He sighed. She nodded silently before she lifted his arms and positioned herself on his lap before she pulled his arms around her and leaned into his touch. He rested his cheek on top of her head, doing the same as he did with Dean, memorizing her scent. When the door bell rang, he gripped Jess tighter and pressed his lips to her hair. Jess pulled away to look at him before she burst into tears and wrapped her arms around his neck, burring her face in his throat.
“I don’t want you to go. Please don’t go. Don’t leave me.” The bell rang again, causing Jess to tighten her arms and cry harder. Jensen made soothing noises as he stroked her long hair down her back before he pulled her away and held her distraught face in his hands and looked at her.
“I’ll come home.”
“But what if you don’t?” She panicked, the tears falling harder. “What if you don’t come home? What if something happens? I can’t do this without you. I thought I was fine with it but I’m not. I can’t if your not here, there, if you’re not anywhere. I won’t be able to. Please.”
“Hey, shh, baby.” He sniffed back his own tears and held himself together to try and calm his wife down before he kissed her deeply then looked her in the eyes. “I’m coming home. If I have to swim back, or sprout wings and fly back, I’m coming home to you and Dean. Nothings going to happen to me.”
“You promise?” She asked, her voice breaking off in a choked gasp.
“I promise.” The bell rang twice in a row impatiently causing Jensen to sigh. “I have to go.”
“Give me two seconds.” Jess jumped up from her spot on his lap and hurried up the stairs. Jensen went to the door and opened it, saluted the men waiting for him and hefted his duffel onto his shoulder. He waited, noticed the looks on the men’s faces before he sighed.
“Lieutenant, we must go. The air lift is in two hours, you need to be on that chopper Sir.”
“Alright.” Jensen checked his watch again before he looked up the stairs and waited two heart beats before he took a deep breath, looked around the hall then stepped out of the house and quietly shut the door behind him. He walked down the path and threw his duffel into the back seat when the door was opened for him. He turned to look at his home one last time before he turned and gripped the over head bar and began hoisting himself into the high up Hummer. He stopped when he heard his name being shouted out to him before he turned to see Jess rushing down the path barefoot in the snow. He jumped down quickly before running up the path to her. She jumped up at him, a move he didn’t see coming, and wrapped her arms tightly around his neck before she kissed him deeply and longingly. When she pulled away she breathed deep and cleared her throat before Jensen placed her back on her feet. “What are you doing, you’ll catch your death out here.”
“I said two seconds.” She smiled before she thrust forward a little black box with a tiny silver ribbon tied around it. “Merry Christmas baby.”
“Jess.”
“Open it. Please.” She bit her bottom lip, a nervous habit that had him smiling softly as he pulled the ribbon off.
“Lieutenant.”
“A minute Sergeant.” He turned, and waited. The Sergeant nodded and climbed up into his seat before Jensen turned back to Jess and lifted the lid on the small box. Inside the box was a dog tag with the words ‘You are my heart. Forever and Ever,’ neatly itched into the silver. He picked it up and noticed the tiny lock on it. With careful fingers he unlocked it and smiled when the dog tag opened to reveal a small photo of him and Jess on their wedding day on one side and on the other a small photo of the two of them with baby Dean at the hospital just after he was born. He stared at the tiny boy in his arms, then to his tired but smiling wife before he closed it and clutched it in his palm, the chain dangling from his fingers.
“I hope you’re allowed to wear it for as long as possible. Have it with you so you can have us close to your heart while you’re away. I love you Jensen. Please come home to me.” She swallowed her tears and nodded to him before she took a deep breath and sighed, the tears not falling but welling up in her eyes.
“I’ll wear it every second.” He kissed it before he lifted it over his head and tucked it under his uniform to rest beside his Army issued dog tags. “I love you. I’ll come home to you.”
“You better.” She kissed him one last time before she stepped away, her hands resting protectively over her pregnant stomach, rubbing every few seconds. Jensen smiled, before he knelt in front of her and placed his ear to her belly and listened to his unborn son move, and kick. With a wide grin, Jensen pressed his lips to the center of the bump before he got to his feet, pressed his palm lovingly to his wife’s cheek, before he turned and walked back to the Hummer and climbed in.
“We good to go Sir?”
“Yeah.” Jensen turned back to face Jess and nodded to her with a smile before he turned back forward and nodded to the men. He watched Jess grow tiny into the distance before he pulled out the dog tag and opened the locket to study the pictures. While they stayed, he went, but now he went with them beside him and because of that he knew he’d be alright.