Daddy and Me
You Want Me To What?
“Mmmkay,” I say, clipping Joey into his carseat, sticking his pacifier in his mouth and giving him Roger, his stuffed squid that I picked up on the way out the front door. Yeah, that was Tre’s contribution to Adie’s baby shower.
Adie’s note said that this damn thing was held only a few minutes away, which is good since we’re seriously running out of time.
“This better not be as lame as I’m thinking it’s going to be,” I say, glancing in the rearview mirror.
“Bah,” Joey says banging Roger against the window.
“Seriously, if it’s as touchy-feely as I’m thinking,” I say, actually getting more and more pissed off as I think about it. “’Cause I don't do well with that shit.”
“Bah,” he says, obviously agreeing.
“I don’t even know why your mom’s making you do this, let alone me. Really, I know she doesn’t like that shit either.”
“Bah,” he says, chewing on Roger’s tentacles.
“I don’t know. I guess she’s just trying it out,” I sigh, pulling into the parking lot. Holy shit, man. It’s full of station wagons.
“Oh man,” I say. “I thought that was a stereotype.”
“Bah,” Joey says. I can see him looking out the window.
“Ready?” I say, parking.
“Bahbah.”
“You know what, you really need to learn a new word.
“Bah.”
***
“Alright, where are we supposed to go?” I ask Joey as we enter the building. He’s too busy chewing on Roger to answer.
“Can I help you?” a woman sitting behind a giant circular desk asks me. For starters, what I’d really like to know is why her desk is so damn huge, but I decide to answer her truthfully. Though I really would like to know.
“Uh, yeah, I, uh. Uh, my wife’s sick, so I’m supposed to- uh well, I guess she’s not sick, but she’s at the doctor. And there wasn’t a way for me to get out of doing this so-“
“Are you looking for the ‘mommy and me’ class?” she interrupts my hungover rambling, sounding pissed.
“Uh, yeah,’ I say. Whoops.
“Down the hall, to the right.”
“Thanks,” I say, scuttling down the hall with Joey and Roger. Der. I should have see the room with the sunshine yellow door. And teddy bears. Oh my god.
“We should just turn around now,” I whisper to Joey. He slaps me in the face with a soggy Roger tentacle.
“Okay, okay,” I say opening the god awful yellow door. Holy shit. The whole fucking room is that color. All I have to say is that I better get laid for this.
“Hello!” a circle of cheerful women and their perfectly dressed babies chorus at me. Well, not the babies, but… yeah.
“Uh, h-hi,’ I stammer. Jesus Christ. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to do this at all.
“I see we have a new member,” the chick who seems to be in charge says.
“Well, uh, no. It’s Joey… uh, Armstrong.
“Oh!” they chorus again.
“A-Adrienne’s uh, you know, at a doctor’s appointment. She made me come.”
“Oh, well welcome, um,’ the leader lady says, motioning for me to sit in the circle. Yes, in the circle, on the ground.
“Billie Joe,” I say. They all stare at me, as if they’re expecting me to say more. Uh, nope. I fake a smile and pretend to focus on unlatching Roger from Joey’s mouth.
“Alright Mommies,” the leader lady says, clapping her hands together. “And Daddy,” she corrects herself, grinning at me. “Let’s put baby in front of us and on their back.”
Okay, seriously, what the hell is this?
“I’m Amy” the ‘mommy’ next to me says. “You’re so lucky you got to come today.”
“Oh, uh, yeah?” I say, wrestling Roger away from Joey when one of the women across the circle gives me a nasty look, then Roger a nasty look, then me again.
“Yes. It’s baby massage day.”
Oh for fucking Christ’s sake. I better get laid more than once tonight.
“Oh,” I say trying to sound as enthusiastic as the Amy girl. I look at a Joey, who gives me a big eyed stare. I know man. I know.
“So,” the girl next to me says, breaking into me and the other girl’s conversation. Whore. “We don't see many boys here.”
Boys? Jesus.
“Uh, like I said, my wife’s at a doctor’s appointment.”
“Yes, but still,” the girl says. “It’s a treat.”
Okay, first off, stop trying to hit on me. And second off, stop trying to hit on me.
I try and smile it off.
“How old are you?” the girl says. I’m LEAVE ME ALONE years old.
“Twenty-three,” I answer.
“Bah,” Joey says. Tell me about it.
“That’s so young,” the Amy girls says.
“There’s nothing wrong with youth,” the other girl says. Seriously. is this like, a swinger’s bar and I was just distracted by the yellow walls?
“Alright, the leader lady says. “Shall we get started?”
NO!
Adie’s note said that this damn thing was held only a few minutes away, which is good since we’re seriously running out of time.
“This better not be as lame as I’m thinking it’s going to be,” I say, glancing in the rearview mirror.
“Bah,” Joey says banging Roger against the window.
“Seriously, if it’s as touchy-feely as I’m thinking,” I say, actually getting more and more pissed off as I think about it. “’Cause I don't do well with that shit.”
“Bah,” he says, obviously agreeing.
“I don’t even know why your mom’s making you do this, let alone me. Really, I know she doesn’t like that shit either.”
“Bah,” he says, chewing on Roger’s tentacles.
“I don’t know. I guess she’s just trying it out,” I sigh, pulling into the parking lot. Holy shit, man. It’s full of station wagons.
“Oh man,” I say. “I thought that was a stereotype.”
“Bah,” Joey says. I can see him looking out the window.
“Ready?” I say, parking.
“Bahbah.”
“You know what, you really need to learn a new word.
“Bah.”
***
“Alright, where are we supposed to go?” I ask Joey as we enter the building. He’s too busy chewing on Roger to answer.
“Can I help you?” a woman sitting behind a giant circular desk asks me. For starters, what I’d really like to know is why her desk is so damn huge, but I decide to answer her truthfully. Though I really would like to know.
“Uh, yeah, I, uh. Uh, my wife’s sick, so I’m supposed to- uh well, I guess she’s not sick, but she’s at the doctor. And there wasn’t a way for me to get out of doing this so-“
“Are you looking for the ‘mommy and me’ class?” she interrupts my hungover rambling, sounding pissed.
“Uh, yeah,’ I say. Whoops.
“Down the hall, to the right.”
“Thanks,” I say, scuttling down the hall with Joey and Roger. Der. I should have see the room with the sunshine yellow door. And teddy bears. Oh my god.
“We should just turn around now,” I whisper to Joey. He slaps me in the face with a soggy Roger tentacle.
“Okay, okay,” I say opening the god awful yellow door. Holy shit. The whole fucking room is that color. All I have to say is that I better get laid for this.
“Hello!” a circle of cheerful women and their perfectly dressed babies chorus at me. Well, not the babies, but… yeah.
“Uh, h-hi,’ I stammer. Jesus Christ. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to do this at all.
“I see we have a new member,” the chick who seems to be in charge says.
“Well, uh, no. It’s Joey… uh, Armstrong.
“Oh!” they chorus again.
“A-Adrienne’s uh, you know, at a doctor’s appointment. She made me come.”
“Oh, well welcome, um,’ the leader lady says, motioning for me to sit in the circle. Yes, in the circle, on the ground.
“Billie Joe,” I say. They all stare at me, as if they’re expecting me to say more. Uh, nope. I fake a smile and pretend to focus on unlatching Roger from Joey’s mouth.
“Alright Mommies,” the leader lady says, clapping her hands together. “And Daddy,” she corrects herself, grinning at me. “Let’s put baby in front of us and on their back.”
Okay, seriously, what the hell is this?
“I’m Amy” the ‘mommy’ next to me says. “You’re so lucky you got to come today.”
“Oh, uh, yeah?” I say, wrestling Roger away from Joey when one of the women across the circle gives me a nasty look, then Roger a nasty look, then me again.
“Yes. It’s baby massage day.”
Oh for fucking Christ’s sake. I better get laid more than once tonight.
“Oh,” I say trying to sound as enthusiastic as the Amy girl. I look at a Joey, who gives me a big eyed stare. I know man. I know.
“So,” the girl next to me says, breaking into me and the other girl’s conversation. Whore. “We don't see many boys here.”
Boys? Jesus.
“Uh, like I said, my wife’s at a doctor’s appointment.”
“Yes, but still,” the girl says. “It’s a treat.”
Okay, first off, stop trying to hit on me. And second off, stop trying to hit on me.
I try and smile it off.
“How old are you?” the girl says. I’m LEAVE ME ALONE years old.
“Twenty-three,” I answer.
“Bah,” Joey says. Tell me about it.
“That’s so young,” the Amy girls says.
“There’s nothing wrong with youth,” the other girl says. Seriously. is this like, a swinger’s bar and I was just distracted by the yellow walls?
“Alright, the leader lady says. “Shall we get started?”
NO!