H.B. and Gypsy

After dessert, we headed home. I was glad…I needed to see Landon. This whole dinner with Blair thing is wigging me out. He can’t possibly be okay with that…I mean, I know we aren’t doing anything that would over cross our boundaries or anything, but I have to pretend to be attracted to her and more importantly…she gets a formal sit down with my parents before he does.

He’s the one I’ve been in a relationship all these months, not her. He’s the one I’m in love with, not her. He deserves to be introduced properly first, but of course that can’t happen…

That alone makes me want to pull the plug on this thing.

We get home, and I run up to my room, changing into something less suffocating and head over to Landon’s house. My dad was eying me when I was walking out the door…and I could quite literally feel my heart bursting out of my chest. My mom luckily called him over for something right then. I actually think she did that on purpose….thank god.

I take a deep breath, and make my way out of the front door and across the street.

Once I get to his door, I let myself in and go up to Landon’s room. I walk down the hallway and find his door, lightly knocking on it.

“Babe.” I whisper, knowing it’s a little late. After a second, I put my ear up to his door and listen. I don’t hear anything. I reach down and try the doorknob. I open it and peek my head in. He isn’t there.

Hm.

I look around, and went to go back down the stairs but something stops me. I hear something to my right and turn my head stopping in my tracks. I listen for a minute, and then I hear it again.

Someone was sobbing.

“Is that…” I whisper to myself and then I realize where it’s coming from. The bathroom.

I hear a quick little hiccupy cry and my eyes grow wide. I know that cry anywhere. I slowly open the bathroom door and find Landon standing in front of his bathroom mirror…crying his eyes out.

I rush over to him, “Landon, baby…what’s wrong?” I worry and hold his face in my hands. He wouldn’t look at me.

He just kept staring past my shoulder at his reflection in the mirror. I quickly turn around, thinking maybe something has scared him, but I see nothing. Nothing but my boyfriend standing there with a towel wrapped around his little waist.

“Babe, look at me.” I tell him and snap my fingers in his face, trying to get his attention. I kissed his pouting lips softly, trying to brake him out of this weird state he was in. He just blinked and letting a few new tears roll down his rosy cheek. I furrow my brow, wiping the tears off his face and stare at him for a second…what the hell is going on?

He just kept crying to himself, holding his arms to his chest like he was trying to hide himself from something.

“Landon Autumn.” I state lowly. His eyes flicker up to mine, but quickly back at his reflection. Something clicks right then and he wraps his arms around me…so tightly, that I can barley breath correctly. I was slightly taken aback, stumbling a few steps behind me, trying to balance us.

“Ok, ok, I’m here…” I take a staggering deep breath, “Hey…Just breath, baby…tell me what’s going on…” I coo to him, and curl my arms around his bare waist.

His cries get deeper and he starts to claw at my back in an attempt to keep himself from shaking. “M-my f-f-face…” He chokes out, “G-g-god…” He cries into my shoulder. “E-everything…”

He wasn’t making any sense.

I blink and brush some hair out of his face. “You’re not making any sense, babe…you have to calm down.” I try and ask him calmly. “Can you do that for me?” I attempt, rubbing up and down his back. “Just hold onto me…breathe. We’re gonna go in you’re room alright? Let me lift you up…” I lean down and grab the backs of his thighs, lifting him up. He just continues to cry into my shoulder, curling into a little ball against my body.

I walk us over to his room and set him on his bed. He immediately reaches out for me and I sit on his bed with him. He curled up to me, sitting in my lap and hiding his face in my collarbone…

“Okay…” I breathe with him and continue to rub his back, “Shh…” I start to lightly rock us back and forth. “Oh, babe…whats wrong?” I ask him softly.

He, very slightly, slows down his sniffles, and mumbles something into my skin.

“What was that, love?” I ask quietly.

“I-I’m…god,” He chokes on a cry again, “…s-so ugly…f-fuck, E…” He whimpers into his hands.

I blink and nearly gasp out loud. He can’t be serious.

“…that’s what this is all about?” I gasp, looking at him.

“…s-so you a-agree?” His face crumples, and he looks down, covering his face from me, choking on a sob. “I kn-knew i-it…”

“No, no, no…” I hurry, attempting to peel his hands away from his gorgeous face. “Babe, No, never…” I breath, kissing hands, and pulling them away form his face. “You’re the most beautiful boy I’ve ever seen…” I whisper, kissing his cheek. “You’re stunning, baby…why would you ever think something like that?” I ask him, holding his crying face in my hands.

“I a-am, I kn-know i-it…” He cries, not making eye contact with me for even a second. He them began to claw at his face. “G-goddamn it!” He yells and hits his head, hard, with his palm.

“Hey!” I loudly say to him, “Babe, enough!” I grab his hands and hold them in my tight grip. “Landon Lee, cut this shit out NOW!” He struggled against me, but eventually gave up, hanging his head low…trying to catch his breath between cries.

This has gone far enough.

I held his face in my hands and demanded that he looked at me. “Don’t you ever…ever hurt yourself like that again, do you hear me?” I whisper harshly, looking directly into his bloodshot eyes. He didn’t answer me.

“Landon.”

“…I c-can’t p-promise you th-that.” He lowly whispers to me.

I narrow my eyes. “Yes you can, and you will.” I breathe.

He doesn’t respond to me. He just stays there…in my lap, whimpering to himself with the occasional frustrated grabbing of his hair. He was still softly crying to himself…and all I could do was hold him. I took that moment just to look at him…observe him. What even made him start to have those kinds of thoughts anyways? It’s just so far from the truth, I can’t even begin to figure out why he would believe something so false…

“S-stop.” He winces. I snap out of my thoughts and blink.

“Stop what?” I ask him. He looks away from me and focuses on the wall across the room.

“Looking at m-me…” He mumbles. I was about to say something, but he beat me to it. “I kn-know I look u-ugly right now…So, pl-please stop staring…” He adds, sniffling.

I sigh and began to lightly suck on his bare shoulder. “You couldn’t look ugly if you tried.” I whisper. “In fact, I was staring because of how beautiful you are…” I add. His eyes flicker to mine. For only a second.

“S-sure…” He whimpers and takes my hand up to his lips, and begins to feel my fingers with them one by one.

“Would you like me to prove it?” I ask, finally looking him in the eye. He seemed confused…and resigned at the same time.

“No. I d-don’t.” He breathes against the skin of my palm. “God…” He sighs into my skin, “What i-is it like, E?”

I tilt my head. “What is…what like?”

He looks up at my face and traces my lips, nose, cheekbones, eyes, and jaw line with his fingers. “…what i-is it like to be beautiful?” He sighs, beginning to tear up again.

I almost scoffed. He has to be talking about someone else, or every single mirror I’ve ever looked into is rigged.

“I wouldn’t know.” I whisper. “…but you would.”

He groaned and held his head in his hands. “D-do you think I-I like to sob for h-hours about how ugly I a-am? Or maybe it’s j-just for attention?” He says, frustrated. “…I’ve b-been in my bathroom c-crying ever s-since I got home, E…this isn’t a-a joke. I feel…I j-just feel s-so hideous…” He whimpers.

I hug him closer to me, and give his lips a gentle kiss. He weakly kisses me back. “Baby, I would never think something that has made you this upset is a joke…” I sigh. “I just don’t understand how you…out of all people…could believe that you’re even the slightest bit ugly….” I explain to him, tucking some hair behind his ear. “You know how I feel about you…just looking at you makes my heart race. I mean, fuck Landon…” I run my hand through my hair, “First of all…your body is…” I breathe deeply and slide my hand down to his ass, lightly grabbing it. He lightly giggles. “…it’s lethal.” I smile. “And those eyes…” I sigh, “Those fucking eyes of yours….” I breathe. “I couldn’t have invented a pair myself that I would rather stare at all day.”

He listens to me, hugging my chest and keeping quite with a subtle content whimper into my t-shirt.

“And another part of you that I cant seem to stay away from…” I grin. “Those pouty, red lips ….” I lean down and take his lips in mine, sucking and nibbling for all its worth. I part his lips with my tongue and he gladly obliges, kissing me back. I pull away after a second with a satisfied smile. He mirrors my expression. “God knows I can never get enough of those perfect lips…” I trace my finger across his jaw line. He smiles with a blush on his cheeks.

I take my hands and begin to lightly run then along his torso. “Your tummy…” I giggle and lay him down slowly, and begin to crawl over him, leaning down to his belly button. “Its so soft…” I grin and begin to suck on his skin right above his belly button. He runs his fingers though my hair with a light giggle, and a sniffle. I look up at him, and right then, I start to creep my hand onto his side and…

“E!” He screams and tries to push me off. I just laugh and begin to dig my fingers into his sensitive ribcage. “O-oh god, Ever!” He laughed, breathing hard.

“Kinky!” I laugh. He knows he loves to be tickled.

“Perv!” He choked out. “S-stop, p-please, E!” He breathes with a cheeky smile.

I move my hand down lower and keep at it. He has tears forming in his thick eyelashes now. “E, b-babe, fuck!” He groans.

With one last second, I give up and rest my head in his heaving chest. “Shit, f-finally…” He gasps, slapping my arm. “Jerk.”

I lightly laugh at him.

He just sighed, staring up at the ceiling. We laid there on his bed in a comfortable silence for a few minutes.

“So…”, I turned to him, “What brought that on, anyways?” I ask.

He turns to me. “Brought w-what on?”

“I don’t know, maybe you sobbing over your beautiful face.” I say sarcastically. He sighs.

“Nothing s-specific, really. I just got to th-thinking about what kind of p-person you really deserve, and I-I figured out that I don’t r-really fit in that category…I n-never have.” He looks up at me, running his hand down my chest. I was about to object, but he continues. “I mean, I-I don’t even g-get to sit down with y-your parents for d-dinner….I just feel l-like I let you a-and your family down. I’m n-not, I don’t’ know…not good e-enough, I guess…it just hurts, that’s all.” He breathes, looking down.

Oh, poor thing.

“Baby.” I sigh to myself, and pull his chin up in my direction. “ I don’t want you thinking those kind of things because it’s not true…” I look right at him. His eyes were looking back and forth into my eyes looking unsure. “ Don’t think it’s your fault for one second that my dad won’t accept you. That’s his own demon to battle, not yours.” I state seriously.

He just sighs and nods his head. “I guess you’re r-right.” He rests his head back on my chest. I ran my hand through his hair and trace along his spine slowly.

“Oh crap…” I hear landon quietly gasp to himself. I look down at him and tilt my head.

“What’s wrong?” I say softly.

He just sits up and shakes his head. “Oh, nothing…I just m-meant to tell you that my family kn-knows about us n-now.” He nervously smiles at me, “They would really like to meet you soon.”

I raise my eyebrows. “Oh, that’s great.” I smile at him, kissing his cheek. He smiles back. “I’m actually kind of nervous…” I laugh, cracking my fingers.

Landon smiles. “Why? Y-you don’t need to b-be. They’ll love y-you.”

“We’ll see about that.” I laugh. “I have to be the perfect charming boyfriend, don’t I?” I roll my eyes with another laugh.

“You a-already are, babe.” He holds my hand with a giggle. “It’ll b-be fine, I-I promise.”

________________________________________________________________________

The past few days have pretty much been a whirlwind of work, writing, trying to fit in some time with Landon, and me trying to get my moms attention. I know it wasn’t her fault that she’s busy and all…but shit, I’m not dead. This new baby isn’t her “miracle child” or anything…she’s had me all this time, so why is this so special? It pisses me off.

I rest my forehead against the lukewarm tile wall with a prolonged sigh and feel water drumming against my back. The shower seems to be the best place to go over everything in my life all at once, and like an idiot, I tend to overwhelm myself every time I do it. Sometimes I wonder how long I could stand staying in the shower until someone would think something is wrong. I once took a shower that went on for 2 ½ hours just because I couldn’t figure out what to do with my life after graduation, and for some reason, I felt that the shower was the only place I could figure that out in. My mom eventually banged on the door, thinking I fell asleep in the tub…which had actually regrettably happened, too. That was a weird night.

I open my eyes and take lift my head from the wall, rubbing the indent it left in my forehead back to normal. I reached behind me and turn the water off after a second of standing there and climb out, wrapping a towel around my waist.

I have work in an hour, so I’m kind of behind. I towel dry my hair and slip my shirt on quickly while walking into my room. Now where did I leave my pants…?

I start to run around my room looking just when my phone started to go off.

“Shit.” I curse under my breath and go grab it off my desk, flipping it open.

“Hello?” I say, distracted.

“H-hey, E.” Landon says softly.

I softly smile to myself. “What’s up, babe?”

“I was just c-calling to make sure you r-remembered our date tonight. The diner at 7:00, r-right?” He reminds me.

I slap my forehead in shock. I completely forgot...I work until 10 tonight. There I go again, failing at everything there is to fail at. “…E?” Landon speaks up after me silently freaking out.

“Yeah, I’m here, I just…” I sigh, “….I work until 10 tonight, baby. I’m sorry, it must have slipped my mind.” I say, feeling disgustingly guilty. We had been looking forward to this all week, and Connor asked me to cover a shift last minute and I took it. I’m an idiot, I wasn’t even thinking.

He sighs. “…o-oh.”

I’m not sure what to say.

“I’m so sorry, love. I wasn’t even thinking…” I attempt to make him feel better. I hear him sigh and he weakly speaks up.

“I kn-know…I’ll t-talk to you l-later.” He says softly. Sadly.

“Babe wait-“ I attempt to stop him, but the line already went dead.

“Fuck…” I heavily sigh and sit on my bed.

This isn’t the first time this had happened.

It’s the third.

The first time it was a night we were suppose to see a movie, but I forgot and he tried calling me for an hour. I fell asleep on the couch that night and had my phone on silent, so I didn’t hear anything. The second time was when I had made a plan to help him pick out a new outfit for work, but I told Blair I would help her hang some new posters in the shop, and I ended up not being able to go with him. This has all happened within 3 weeks. He’s at the end of his rope with my bullshit, I know it.

I drive my fist into my mattress. “Perfect!” I growl. “Just what I needed…”

I finish getting ready fairly quickly after that and head to work. I don’t want any time to think about what happened…or how I let him down. That, along with all the other shit that is driving me crazy right now, is going to destroy me, and for now I just need to forget about it.

I left, and practically sped all the way to work. Being late sure would lift my spirits…ugh. Shortly after, I pulled into the parking lot and curled my fingers into the steering wheel, grinding my teeth. This is the last place I wanted to be right now…especially with Landon mad at me now. I can’t get through the day when I have that hanging on my shoulders. All I can think about is him sitting in him room feeling sad by himself and that nearly kills me…I’ll have to stop by there after work. Even if he doesn’t particularly feel like seeing me…

I haul myself out of my car and walk into the shop. I quickly go to the back, setting all of my stuff in my employee locker. Just as I was about to shut the door, my phone starts ringing. I roll my eyes and answer the call.

“Hello?” I ask, annoyed.

“Hey sweetie.” My mom says kindly. I grab my forehead and let out a breath I had been holding. I have actually been meaning to talk to her about the Blair dinner thing.

“Oh, hey mom.” I say glumly. “You ok?”

“I’m great.” She says cheerfully. “I just wanted to call and see what you were up to. I haven’t spoken with in a few days.”

“Oh.” I nod my head. I know we haven’t spoken in a few days…because she’s been so damn distracted lately, I can barley get a word in. It’s a miracle I’m having a good conversation with her right now. “Well, I’m about to clock in for work…I’m here till 10.”

“Alright, honey. Well, I won’t keep you waiting then.” She says politely.

“Mom, wait!” I quickly add in.

“Yes?”

“I was just wondering if, um….” I cough nervously, “If you’ve talked to dad about the Blair dinner thing…?” I ask anxiously.

I hear her sigh. “Oh, yes. I’m sorry, Ever…he’s being stubborn. You know him, it’s hard to even convince him to take out the trash.”

“Ugh…” I groan.

“Just bring her over and I’ll make it as painless as possible.” She adds, sounding hopeful.

I just shake my head to myself and let out a lengthy sigh. “Well, I guess I have no choice, do I?”

“I know it’s hard…I understand.” She attempts to soothe me.

I ignore her.

“Look, I have to go.” I say quickly.

“Ok, honey. Keep me posted. I’ll see you soon.”

“Bye.” I mumble, and hang up the phone. I pinch the bridge of my nose between my fingers and tried counting to ten….but of course that didn’t work.

This is complete and utter bullshit.

________________________________________________________________________

The rest of my shift went by pretty quickly, thankfully. Although, I had to ask Blair about the dinner…luckily, she was ok with it and wanted to help me out. Thank god, because if not, I would have had to make something up…and my dad can always see through my lies. Always.

I clocked out right at 10 p.m. and got out of there as fast as I could. I needed to get to Landon’s house right away.

I took a few shortcuts, getting more anxious the closer I got to his house…Landon and I had never really had a fight. What if this is our first?

I push my thoughts aside and pull into his driveway, parking and getting out. I walk up to his front door and let myself in, heading up to his bedroom. Right as I curl my hand around his door knob, I hear him talking.

He was on the phone with someone.

Now, I would have never stayed and eavesdropped, but that changed as soon as I heard him mention my name. I put my ear up to the crack in his door and listen.

“I kn-know…” He sighs. ”But…wh-what if I’m right?”

What if he’s right about what?

He sighs and I might have heard a sniffle.

“Harp, he’s b-been acting really d-different, th-though…” he whimpers.

Harper.

“He has a-always been so…attentive, I don’t know what c-could’ve h-happened.” He wonders, sadly. “I m-mean…am I-I doing something w-wrong? D-does he think I-I’m u-unattractive now? I d-don’t get it…” He winces.

No, baby…

"He’s j-just starting to m-make me feel like I’m n-not good enough a-anymore…m-maybe regrets this whole th-thing…” He finally begins to softly cry.

Never.

There was a pause.

He whimpers again, sniffling. “O-of course I l-love him.”

I love you too.

“I don’t kn-know, harp. I h-hope you’re right.”

From what I’m hearing, I hope she’s right, too.

“O-ok, I’ll talk to you l-later…Bye.” He says softly, and hangs up.

I hang my head in shame and wait about two minutes before slowly opening his door. I found him sitting on his bedroom floor doing nothing but holding the phone in his hands and staring at the wall. As soon as he see’s me, he looks uneasy.

He thinks I don’t want to be here.

“Hey…” I say softly.

He stands up and sets his phone on his nightstand. “H-hey, E…” He says gently. “Wh-what are y-you doing here?” He adds, shyly. I give him a small smile and walk over to him. He looks up at me with red, teary eyes and I lean down, giving him a soft kiss. At first, he was reluctant, but he soon brought his hands up to my neck, holding me there. After a minute or two, I pull away slowly and hold him close to me.

“You know I love you, right?” I whisper to him.

He whimpers and hangs his head slightly. He doesn’t say anything.

“Landon…” I beg him.

He slightly pushes me away. “I’m s-sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” I say, feeling fire building under my chest. I have to get out of here…and fast.

“B-but…” He weakly mumbles, “D-don’t I?” He asks, beginning to tear up again, looking up at me. “I m-must have done someth-“

“No. You haven’t” I cut him off. “You haven’t done anything, baby.”

“I’m s-sorr-" He tries to apologize.

“Stop apologizing.” I say, frustrated. I wasn’t frustrated with him…I was frustrated with myself. In fact, I was livid with myself for making him feel this way…he never deserves to feel unloved…or not good enough, as he put it.

He looks slightly afraid, curling his arms around his torso protectively.

“E…are…a-are you mad a-at me?” He worries, looking devastatingly sad.

I grab my forehead with a sigh and then go to him. I kiss his cheek.

“No. Not even close.” I explain. “I am, however, livid at myself….so, for the sake of us and for the sake of not fighting, I should leave.” I say to him. I gaze at him, and tuck some hair behind his ear before turning around to leave.

“W-wait!” He stops me.

I turn around.

“Can I at l-least have a k-kiss before you leave?” He asks me, sounding….depressed. My poor boyfriend.

I go to him, slipping my arms around his little waist and give him a deep kiss, parting his lips. He lightly moans into mouth and curls his fingers into my hair….then, I finally pull away. I rest my forehead on his.

“P-please don’t leave…” He whimpers.

I contemplate and let out a deep sigh.

Landon slips his fingers into the loops of my pants. “Please, E-e…stay and t-talk with m-me…” He adds, giving my neck a short kiss.

That’s all I need.

“Whatever you want.” I give in. He gives me a weak smile and curls into me, whimpering into my chest.

We talked, like he wanted, all night…there was a lot of crying, mostly from Landon, but also me. We covered a whole bunch of stuff that we had been meaning to talk about…and even though he started to sound happier and more assured, I found myself feeling more and more uneasy about myself…I’m not anything close to what he deserved. What if fate catches up with us?

“You’re gonna have to m-make up for t-tonight, you kn-know…” He smiles softly, breaking me out of my worries. “I was really l-looking forward to o-our date before you w-went and ruined i-it.”

“What did you have in mind?” I grinned.

“Hm…” He tilts his head. He then curled his neck up from my chest and started to slowly suck on my neck. I feel my eyes slip shut and I groan in approval. I curl my hands under his shirt and feel the smooth skin along his spine.

He pulls away from my neck and sits up on my waist, his legs on either side of my hips. He yanks his shirt off and quickly slips mine off, and begins kissing me again.

Wow.

With an eager groan, I flip us over and take control. Landon lets me slip in between his thighs and curls his legs around me with an excited whimper. I wasted no time rolling my hips into his, and started an even pace. I buried my face in his neck, sucking on his ear how he liked…and he let out a small yelp.

“E-e…” He breathed quickly, tugging at his pants. “Get them o-off me…”

I pulled away from his neck and gladly tugged his pants all the way down, and he kicked them off and onto the ground. He pulled me back to him and curled his hips up into me. “M-mm….” He groaned into my neck and began to set an even pace with me.

Soon, I couldn’t take it anymore, and I slipped my hand under the elastic of his boxers and began to feel him.

I wanted to make his toes curl.

His head curled back and his hands were curled into the sheets. “E-ever….” He choked out and I caught his lips in mine mid-moan. I slipped my tongue into his mouth and began to taste him as much as I could.

Landon pulled away after a few minutes with a gasp and began to roll his hips into my hand and bite his lip shyly. “So…c-close.” He panted.

I waited till the last second and then went for his neck. The second I began to suck on the skin below his ear, he cried out and I felt him shake against me. I felt this heart beating wildly against mine, our chests pressed closely together. His hips then began to slow…and then eventually stopped. I continued sucking on his neck until I saw his skin turn a gorgeous red. I then finally pulled away and looked at him, taking my hand from his boxers.

“Now do you believe me?” I softly laughed, brushing his sweaty bangs from his face. He blinked open his eyes from his daze, staring at me. “I really do love you, babe.”

He just smiled at me and brought my face to his, giving my lips a kiss.

I got up from the bed and went to clean off my hand. I returned and Landon looked sort of disappointed. I furrow my brow and walk over to him, rubbing his back.

“Love?” I whisper. He looks at me. “Are you ok?”

“I didn’t f-finish y-you….are you m-mad?” He worries.

He thought I would be mad at him for that? God in heaven, does that make me feel guilty. I hope I haven’t done something to make him believe that something like that would piss me off. In fact, he seems to be afraid of making me angry about a lot of things lately…oh, god.

Is he afraid of me?

My eyes go soft. “Oh, babe…no, it’s fine. This wasn’t about m-“

He cuts me off. “I can r-right now if you w-want….here, let me-“ He begins to grab at my boxers, but I stop him.

“Landon.” I say firmly. “Sugar, it’s fine….tonight was for you. Not me.” I smile at his guilty face. “Ok? I’m not mad.” I give him a sweet kiss on his pouty lips.

“B-but….are you sure? I w-want to if you w-want me t-to….” He worries, his big doe eyes staring at me.

“I’m positive.” I pull him down to bed with me, laying his head on my chest.

“K-kay…” He whimpers, curling his fingers with mine.

He didn’t sound convinced.

________________________________________________________________________

The next afternoon, I kiss Landon goodbye and head home. As soon as I woke up, I couldn’t help but just feel…off. Something just wasn’t right….and I didn’t like it. Not at all. My mind felt clouded and uncomfortable, wrestling with the worries that seem to take hold of it, and it’s been affecting me all day.

I woke up feeling guilty too. I couldn’t help but think about the way Landon was last night. Almost every little thing he thought he did wrong, he was cower in fear and think that I was angry with him, or that he was ‘doing something wrong’, when really it wasn’t any big deal at all. It was as if he was afraid of losing me at any moment…like I was a step away from walking out of there every second. It shouldn’t be like this….it should be the other way around. I should be worrying about losing him with the way I’ve been acting. Again, he was putting other people before himself, and it wasn’t fair for him.

I sigh and open my front door, making my way into the kitchen. I went over to the fridge and grab a cup, filling it with water and gulping it down. Right as I was about to set my cup down on the table, my dad enters.

I wipe my mouth off awkwardly, and look up at him.

He didn’t look happy.

I speak up anyways, hoping to maybe get a few words out of him about my mom. “Hey dad….”

He raises an eyebrow at me. “Why is it that since your mother and I told you we’re having another child, you decide to never be around, hm?” He challenges me.

I blinked, caught completely off guard. It’s not like I’ve tried to not be around….I just haven’t.

I clear my throat. “I didn’t even realize…I’ve just been super busy at work, I guess…” I mumble, afraid of what he might bark at me in return. I look down, staring at my hands.

“Look at me, Ever.” He says firmly. I look up quickly. “And listen closely.”

I gulp.

“If you don’t start contributing to this family, and start giving a shit about your mother, I will personally do something about it.” He growls.

“I do care about her, I really-“ I begin to shake slightly.

“Don’t say a word!” He raises his voice, finally. I flinch. “Not a word.”

He starts to walk towards me, and I begin to slowly back away from him.

I don’t know if I could handle him hitting me right now. I whimper in fear, becoming weak under his stare.

“Dad, please-"

Slam.

I reel back and hold my cheek bone in my hand, my mouth gaping open in shock. I feel tears building beneath my eyelids, threatening to spill over any second.

“You will do what I say, Ever.” He growls. “This has gone far enough!”

I keep my mouth closed. This will escalate quickly if I don’t just do what he says.

I dare look up at him. “And what are you doing over that neighbor’s house so often, anyways?” He spits, grabbing my arm and pulling me closer to him. “Answer me."

I wince and choke out, “N-nothing, he’s my friend…”

That was painful to say. It really was. He was the love of my life.

He scoffs, “Well, if you’re doing nothing, then you can afford to be home more often.”

His fingers were digging into my arm so hard, it will for sure leave a bruise by tonight.

I swallow, finally letting out a few tears. Landon will surely leave me if I take even more time away from our time together. This is it…

“Do you understand me?” His voice grows louder again.

I weakly nod my head, trying to get my arm out of his grasp. “Y-yes sir.”

He shoves my arm away. “What the hell are you crying for? For gods sake, can you not be completely weak for once in your fucking life, Ever?” He peers at me, looking ashamed and angry. “Suck it up.” He adds, shoving me slightly against the wall.

I wipe my tears, avoiding his gaze. I can’t stop crying. He didn’t know what this meant for me. He didn’t know that this one simple request could quite literally break me. After sadness, came anger…and I felt it quickly manifesting into something uncontrollable under my chest. A monster.

And before I could help it, I choked out. “Just because your dad was an asshole, doesn’t mean you need to be one!” I cried.

His eyes went black with anger. I really did it this time.

I suck in a breath of air before he shoves me against the wall, slamming his fist into my face. My jaw gets knocked out of place and I feel my eyes start to roll in the back of my head. He takes my by the collar of my shirt and throws me on the ground.

“Don’t you try to act like, for second, that you know what my father was like, you fucking worthless punk!” He screams in my face, kneeling down, and slamming into my face one more time. I begin to feel blood rush to the blows and my vision start to blur slightly. He got my eye really bad…

I cough up spit and a little blood, trying to get on my knees to stand up. He kicks me in the ribs and I fall to the ground once more, my face meeting the kitchen floor. I cry out and let a few more tears fall down my face.

I can’t breathe. He knocked the air out of me.

I lay on the ground choking and he leans down to my ear, whispering “You say something like that one more time, and I’ll put you in the fucking hospital.”

I let out a sob finally, not caring what he thinks. I struggle to get on my knees once more, finally gaining a little bit of breathe back.

“Piece of shit.” My dad spits, slapping me once more.

He leaves, storming straight into the garage and getting in his car, speeding out of the driveway.

I shakily get to my feet and make it over to the bathroom. I take one look at my beaten up figure and completely lose it. He has ruined me entirely. My eye is swollen half it’s size, along with my cheekbone. My lip is bleeding, and it hurts to breathe…I think he bruised my ribs. I choke on my sobs while I grab a washcloth and clean myself up. Eventually, I give up and head to my room. As soon as I get through the door, I close it and crash on my bed.

I just don’t care anymore.

I don’t.

This is too much.

I fell asleep soon after that….honestly, I just didn’t want to be awake anymore. I’m so fucking done with what this whole week has handed me. At this point, I don’t care what happens to me…I don’t care if a fucking plane engine falls through my roof and kills me, I don’t care if I suffocate in my sleep, I don’t fucking care. I all want, all I fucking want is to not feel what I’m feeling right now. God, I would give anything in the world to just numb out the bullshit I have to deal with. It’s a certain kind of despair that I have never even thought about feeling before. It’s tearing at me in every direction, and I’ve lost control.

I have lost control entirely ….and now….now, I’m going to do something really, really fucking stupid.

I wake up in a cold sweat, sitting up quickly and grabbing my chest. My ribs were still agonizingly sore, along with the whole left side of my face. In fact, I could hardly feel it…I think he might have finally accomplished some nerve damage. Fucking perfect.

I sit up and look at the clock on my nightstand.

10:23 p.m.

My eyes bulge out of my head. I was asleep all night…my god.

I haul myself out of bed with a tortured whimper, and make my way downstairs feeling something…very dark build up inside of me with every step I took. The house was pitch black, and I’m assuming my parents have already gone to bed. Good. If they weren’t, I wouldn’t be able to do what I was about to in a few seconds.

I feel my heart began to grow heavy and the blood rushing though it seems to send daggers with every pump.

I’m so sorry, Landon.

But I need this…

I make it to the kitchen, and silently start to cry to myself. I can’t do this, I promised him…I fucking promised him. I need it, though. I do. He doesn’t have to know or find out, I’ll just keep it to myself. Oh god, what am I doing…

I make it to the cupboard and stand in front of it, feeling the wood handle in my hand. The only thing keeping me from opening this cupboard right now is the thought of Landon’s disappointed face when he finds out what I’m about to do….but it’s that exact thought that sets me free.

He doesn’t have to know, and never will.

So, with that, I open the cupboard and grab the closest glass bottle. With a quiet sob, I twist it open hurriedly and take as much as I can swallow with one gulp. I feel it burning down my throat and I begin to gag. I slam the bottle down and hold my stomach in my hands, beginning to cough. I wait a few seconds, catching my breath. I wipe my mouth off, despising the taste of whatever this was, but loving the way it’ll make me feel…and then lick my lips.

“More.” I growl to myself, and pick the bottle up once more, trying to get as much as I could inside of me. Again, I pulled it away, squeezing my eyes tightly shut while trying to keep it down. “Fuck fuck fuck….” I groan.

I tilt my head back and eventually, I swallow it and after that…it becomes a whole lot easier.

Gulp, after gulp, it gets smoother and smoother. My throat eventually stopped burning and so did my heart.

It only took about 20 minutes for me to finish off the whole fucking bottle.

I lay on the ground in my kitchen, soaking it all in, feeling much better.

First, I was happy. I was really happy…and then…it turned into sadness. A loneliness that I sure as hell have never felt before.

I lay there for another 15 minutes, staring at my ceiling and trying not to throw up…and that loneliness…soon turns into anger. How dare my own father treat me that way. How could he accuse me of not caring about my mom?! As of lately, all I seem to be doing is caring about my mom and her fucking child she’s carrying. Oh my fucking god, I could just kill him right now. There is only one thing that could suck me out of this state…I needed to see Landon…I need him so bad right now. God, please just let me get to his house somehow without passing out first.

Please…fuck.

I groan, sit up, and somehow get to my feet.…I need to get to him before I do something stupid. Even though I already have…but I don’t care. I just need him, I need to see him and his beautiful smile, and I need to feel him…and oh god, I fucking wanted him right now. I wanted him so bad.

Yes…

I somehow make it to the front door and across the street. All I saw were blurred lines and clouded windows when I approached his house. I found his door, and without knocking, I let myself in. I attempted to be quiet…but if I succeeded, I have no clue. I’m so out of my mind drunk, I’m not even sure what my last name is right now, let alone if I’m being quiet…and thank god I’ve been to Landon’s room enough times to know right where to find him.

I stumble up his stairs, missing a few steps, and slightly panic…oh god, if his mom found me like this, I would be dead. I finally made it to the top of the stairs and caught my balance, holding my self against the wall as I made my way down the hall to his room. Finally, I reach his door knob.

I take a shuddering deep breath, and with an eager smile, I curl my hand around it and swing his door open.

I stumble into his room and find him curled up in his sheets, sitting up, watching a movie alone. His eyes find me and he looks frightfully confused.

“E-e?” He asks softly.

"Hey l-love…” I slur.