I'm Gonna Break Down These Walls

It was finally the weekend. I promised Jack that I would hang out with them today. I've been ignoring Alex the whole week. I would always go to my classes late so I didn't have to talk to him before class started. At lunch, I would try and hold conversations with everyone around me. But all he just does is stare at me. It freaks me out.

Jack's mom greeted me as I walked into the house. I walked to the garage and I saw Kara sitting down on the couch. I sat down next to her and gave her a hug. "Hey," she said, smiling.

"Hello, my love," I said and she laughed.

"I'm Rian's, not yours."

I winked at her. "He doesn't have to know."

"I'm right here!" shouted Rian.

I laughed. "I'm just kidding."

"I think Alex and Jack's gayness is rubbing off on you," said Zack as I hugged him.

"Shut up," I said, playfully smacking his chest and he just chuckled. Alex and Jack came in the garage and Zack was still holding me. Alex raised an eyebrow and Jack just gave me a look. I went up and hugged Jack. "Hi, Jack." I looked up at him, smiling.

He hugged me back. "Hey, El," he said, smiling back.

"Alexander," I said in a funny voice and hugged him. He hugged me back, tightly. It felt weird but weird in a good way. It's as if I fit in his arms perfectly. It scared me a bit and I let go of him and went to hug Rian. "Ri."

"Ellie Wellie!" said Rian and I laughed when I let go of him.

"What are we going to do today?" I asked once I sat back down next to Kara.

"Probably watch some movies," said Jack. "There's a party later tonight at Jared's house. Do you want to go with us? We're all going and it'll be fun if you go, too."

I smiled. "Sure, I guess. As long as no one leaves me alone."

"I can't promise you that. I'm gonna go get laid!" He threw his hands up in the air.

"Ew, who would want to have sex with you?" I smirked.

"Alex's mom." Alex punched his arm. "Ouch!"

I laughed and shook my head. "You guys can have fun. It's okay if you leave me alone. I can be a loner."

Zack frowned. "Aw, I'll hang out with you," he said. "Alex and Jack will probably want to sleep with some random girl." Alex glared at Zack once he said that and I shook my head. "Kara and Rian will do who knows what."

"Hey!" Kara said, throwing a pillow at his head.

"Kara, I was only joking!"

"You better be."

We watched a movie and then we headed off to the party. I wrapped my jacket more around myself when we entered the house. I always had a jacket on at all times. I didn't want anyone to know that I cut myself. Every time I think of him I go and cut myself. My parents think I don't do it anymore. They thought I got better. I'm better than I used to be but I'm still not well.

I smelled alcohol and I scrunched up my nose. It brought back all those memories and I felt like crying. I couldn't. Not in front of everyone anyways. I didn't notice Zack and I were by ourselves once I started to look around. I grabbed his arm and he looked at me. He smiled and hooked his arm with mine. We walked into the kitchen and I found Jack with a beer in his hand and he was hitting on some girl.

"Do you want something to drink?" Zack asked and I shook my head. I was holding onto him for dear life. "That poor girl." He was talking about the girl Jack was talking to. "She has no idea what she's getting herself into."

"I love Jack but I would never do him," I said and he laughed.

"I wouldn't either. He's gross."

I chuckled. "He's very fickle isn't he?"

"Yeah, Alex is, too." He pointed to him once we were in another room. He was also hitting on some girl with a beer in his hand. "I'm sure he wants to get in your pants."

I looked at him and shook my head. "Nope, who would want to get in my pants?"

"A lot of guys would. You just don't see it. I mean look at that guy over there." He pointed at him and I looked at the guy. "He's practically drooling all over himself because he saw you. I'm pretty sure from the first time Jack saw you he would've. He's one of your best friends now but he probably still would."

"Would you?" I raised an eyebrow.

He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Um, I don't know. Maybe," he mumbled. "We can't really go there though."

After the party, I had to be the designated driver since everyone was drunk as hell. I just had to keep hearing Jack singing obnoxiously to his target and Alex just smiled and used his little 'charm' at the girl he got. I dropped them off one by one. Alex and his target were last. She got out but he waited for a bit to talk to me. "El," he began. "I know you're hiding something from me." I smelled the alcohol in his breath which made me scrunch up my nose. "I just want you to know, hah, look at me quoting the Backstreet Boys, but anyways I'm here for you whenever you need to talk to someone or to vent your feelings. I'm a good listener. And whenever you're ready to talk to me about whatever it is, just tell me. I'll stop bothering you about it later and I won't tell anyone about it." He kissed my cheek and got out of the car to go in the girl's house he picked up.

I drove home and I immediately went up to my room and changed. I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks. I hate keeping things from my friends especially if they were my best friends. I can't tell them. Not yet. Alex already knew that something was going on but I don't know about everyone else. I'm sure they thought so, too, but they just don't act upon it.

I went into my bathroom and I grabbed the razor from the drawer. I pulled up my sleeves and I had cuts on there that I had recently made. I had scars from that night. I made new cuts on my arm and I turned on the sink to wash away the blood that was coming out from them. I really want to stop doing this. I'm taking a vow to stop. Doing this isn't going to help with the pain. It's just going to make matters worse. I promise to stop. I'm starting a new chapter in my life might as well stop doing that, too.

I wrapped a towel around my wrists until the bleeding stopped. I put some gauze on each of them and tightened them on my wrists with the tape.

I went back and crawled into my bed and pulled the sheets over me. I cried myself to sleep just like I do on nights like these.