Status: Finished!
On a Lonely Night
Chapter 16.
It was finally here, the last night of tour. Soon, I wouldn’t have to deal with Nick’s glares that I couldn’t even force myself to see and John’s disappointed frowns. It would be Chris, his crew, the Missouri sun and me. All the pressure those boys had put on me would be lifted from my shoulders and I would have nothing to worry about.
“Miri, pay attention,” Josh shook me angrily.
I stood there, cigarette in hand. I hadn’t been paying attention apparently.
I raised an eyebrow at my cousin questioningly.
“If you don’t watch our table tonight, I am going to hold your tour pass hostage,” Josh warned, pointing to the laminate dangling from the clip attached to my belt loop.
I scoffed, rolling my eyes before taking a long drag of my cigarette.
Josh poked me hard in the chest, “You’ve been so fucking selfish, Miri. I was so excited to have you on this tour with us but you ruined it. Get over yourself and sell our goddamn merch, okay?”
My mouth fell open and my cigarette plummeted to the ground.
“Yeah, I said it,” Josh crossed his arms over his chest, “the words everyone except you and the Never Shout Never crew were thinking but didn’t have the guts to say. Could you just listen to me, Miri? I’m your fucking family, for Christ sakes!”
I couldn’t even speak. All of my words escaped me and I wasn’t fast enough to catch up to them.
“I’m not going to let you leave with that douche bag,” Josh said finally, running a hand through his overly blond hair.
That was when the words came back, “Fuck you. You’re not my mother and you certainly cannot control what I do.”
Josh was taken aback by my first choice of words, “I’m your older cousin and as long as your parents aren’t on this tour, I am looking after you.”
I stomped on the cigarette that had fallen to the concrete, knowing he was close to defeating me, “I will watch your stupid merch, but I am leaving for Missouri tonight with Chris and his crew and there is nothing you can do about that because as soon as the tour is over, you are no longer looking out for me.”
He sighed in frustration, but I didn’t let him continue. I turned on my heels and walked back into the venue, straight for The Summer Set’s table and Mr. Dylan Dagan.
“Hey Miri,” Dylan’s voice was indifferent as he greeted me.
I merely nodded, “I’m watching the table tonight.”
Dylan’s face lit up, “Yes! I’ll catch you later, then.”
Not even a hug. Dylan didn’t even give me a hug or say thank you or anything. I guess they really are as mad with me as Josh had said.
I sat in the fold up chair that sat behind the long table. Thankfully, everything was already set up. I looked across the way to where the stage was. Rocket were setting up their instruments and chatting on stage. I sighed, catching sight of Nick whom stood by the side of the stage, alone, texting on his phone. When he had finished, he shoved his phone back into his pocket and looked around. His eyes almost met mine, but I was distracted with the feel of a vibration in my pocket.
I read “New Text Message” on my screen and pressed “View Now”. I nearly dropped my phone when I read the message and saw who it was from. Was Nick seriously texting me?
“I want to talk after our set. Find me by the van.”
I shook my head in disbelief. Did he really want to talk to me? I looked back to where he stood on the stage. His phone was in his hand once more but his fingers were not moving. He was anticipating my reply.
I shrugged, considering my options. I could not talk to Nick and be forever curious about what he was willing to tell me. On the other hand, I could meet Nick and brace myself for whatever shit he wanted to throw my way. I decided to be brave and choose the latter.
“Sure.”
A few moments later, some buttons were pressed and Nick’s phone was back in his pocket, but not before I felt another vibration.
“I miss you.”
I looked around to find the person who’s name was currently following the “From:” on my new text message. I saw her standing shyly by the venue door, looking up at me through her dark brown hair and eye lashes.
I smiled at her and she smiled back, lifting her head, finally realizing she was welcome.
I stood up and met her in the middle of our paths for an embrace.
“Miri,” She sighed, prolonging the vowel sounds in my name.
I squeezed her a bit tighter, “Jess.”
As much as Jess Bowen was my best friend, we haven’t talked much since we’ve been on tour together, which was kind of funny, now that you think about it.
“What in the world is going on with you, girl?” Jess asked me, keeping her arms around me.
I sighed, burying my face in her neck, “I’ve got so many problems, Jess.”
Her hands rubbed my back, “You want me to sit with you and talk before our set?”
I nodded desperately. I needed her to soothe my thoughts.
We headed back to the table and I got a fold up chair for her, seating it next to mine.
The doors were to open soon and Jess would most likely get bombarded by kids that knew who she was but we didn’t care, we had some things to discuss and figure out.
“So, Nick wants to talk? What do you think he’s gonna say?” Jess asked, finally getting to what I was most nervous about.
I shrugged, “I don’t know. I decided he’s most likely going to yell at me and call me a whore.”
Jess chuckled lightly, “I highly doubt that, Miri.”
“You don’t know.”
She shook her head, “I don’t. But you and I both know Nick, you better than me! Do you honestly think he would call you a slut or something along those lines?”
I shrugged again, not giving a straight answer.
Jess gasped, “You do think he would, don’t you!”
I slumped down in my chair, “Honestly, I don’t know what to expect from him. He says we’ve both changed so much that he wonders who I am sometimes. I think I’m finally understanding what he meant.”
“Let me ask you this,” Jess began, “If you wanted to be his girlfriend so bad, why didn’t you just ask him?”
This got me thinking. I’m positive I sat there for over five minutes before deciding what to answer, “I just…I didn’t want to be the “man” in the relationship. He should have asked me.”
Jess scoffed, “That’s such a sexist stereotype.”
I sighed, “I wanted him to ask me to prove that he loves me.”
“You know that he does,” Jess said immediately.
I looked at her, confused, “No I don’t. He showed he “loved me” by sneaking around with me behind John’s back and then macking Gracie right in front of me. Funny way to show ‘love’.”
Jess shook her head, continuing my thought, “But you’re forgetting all the times when he pulled you aside and told you he loved you and how adorable you were. Remember that time at the diner when he took some of your food? You guys were so cute that day. Before Chris came around.”
I thought back to that day that seemed so long ago but really wasn’t. Maybe over a week or two ago it happened? It has been a while but how could I forget that? That was when I realized and said that I loved him back for the first time. But he couldn’t love me in the same way based on what I remembered.
“I still don’t think he loves me in the same way, it just can’t be possible,” I felt hopeless.
As much as I wanted Nick to love me, I felt so attached to Chris. The way Chris made me feel, the way he made me forget my problems, it all kept me coming back for more. Chris was like a cigarette to me; so necessary, yet deadly. I needed the numbness that I got when I was with Chris. It made so much sense to me and I didn’t know why no one else could understand it.
Jess and I had been talking for so long, I nearly forgot that Rocket were playing until I heard Nick say a proper goodnight to the crowd.
“Shit,” I mumbled, knowing Jess would still hear me over the roar of the crazed fans.
Jess gave me a slight shove, “Go get ‘em, Mir.”
I sighed, picking myself up off the metal, fold-up chair and headed towards the back of the venue, hoping to find the exit.
I finally got outside and made my way towards the white van that sat on by the edge of the parking lot. I saw Nick standing there, head down, picking a cigarette out of the box and bringing it to his lips to light it. I neared slowly, afraid of the talk that awaited me. Nick blew out smoke and took a step back, leaning against the van. I stood merely thirty feet away, scared to come any closer.
He looked over at me, saying nothing, just staring and smoking, staring and smoking.
“Hey,” His voice was light, not gentle but not harsh.
I waved quickly, barely lifting my arm to do so.
He nodded to me, willing me to come to him and I did.
“How are you?” He asked, blowing out more smoke.
I shrugged, “I’ve been better…you?”
He sighed, looking down at the cigarette in his hand.
I wanted to lift up his chin like he had done for me four years ago. I wanted to tell him that he was so adorable and sweet; he shouldn’t go wasting all of that on a silly cigarette. However, I didn’t. I didn’t lift a finger or utter a single word on the matter; I just let him be.
Finally he spoke, “I’m not doing so well.”
I raised an eyebrow, “Why not?”
His eyes flickered to mine, “I’m hurting, Miri. There’s something missing in my heart and I feel so lonely.”
“Oh,” was all I said, before focusing my eyes on the ground.
“Miri,” Nick spoke, lifting my chin up with his finger, just like I had thought about doing, “Please.”
I pulled away from his finger, “What?”
“I need you so badly Miri, I don’t understand why you left me for that dumb…singer” Nick spoke quickly before realizing he might as well have been describing himself.
I shrugged, not saying anything.
“What did you want from me, Miri? I wasn’t enough for you? You want to be my girlfriend now? Please, just…please. I’m giving you an easy out here. You don’t have to worry about trying to survive with your Missouri beau, just be with me. You’re everything to me and I don’t know what it will take for you to finally understand this.” Nick was getting frustrated now.
I looked up at him, opened my mouth to speak, but closed it quickly before opening it again, “I can’t do that, Nick.”
He gave me an incredulous look, “Why not?”
I shook my head, refusing to answer, “You will never understand, Nick.”
He shrugged, “I guess it makes sense as to why I can never hold on to you for long.”
I questioned him.
“You’re so appealing, Miri. Anyone would be as lonely as I feel when you’re not in their life anymore. You’re so addicting,” He replied, adding a small chuckle on the end.
“What are you saying?” I was beyond confused.
A sigh escaped his lips, along with a slew of smoke, “I wish I could tell you that I was alright with all of this Miri, you and Chris, but I can’t because you’d catch my lie. You seem to know me so well, but then you don’t,”
I nodded, “I understand what you meant earlier on about not knowing me anymore because I feel the same way.”
He shook his head, “Either way, you’ve got everything I’ve ever wanted, but you don’t want me and it hurts, Miri.”
“I,” I didn’t know what to say besides, “I’m sorry.”
“Do you think I’ll see you again after you leave for Missouri?” Nick asked, a hint of hopefulness gleamed in his eyes.
I shrugged slightly, “I don’t want to go back to Arizona.”
Nick nodded, understanding, “Well then, shall this be goodbye?”
I didn’t understand how he could be so cool about this. I knew he really wasn’t and he was putting on a calm façade to mask his anger and sadness, but he was confusing me so much. How could he just talk and have it be done with?
I nodded in reply, suddenly surprised by his arms engulfing me in a hug. I wrapped myself around his slender torso, trying to relive the memory of his skin on mine. The memory was very clear, and I was very fond of that.
I felt his lips pressing against the top of my head and I smiled, “Goodbye, Nick.”
“Just promise me one thing, Miri,” He said, looking down at me, “Don’t ever forget that I love you, okay?”
I nodded, still not feeling 100% comfortable with the way this conversation had been going, “Got it.”
He smiled at me slightly before stomping on his cigarette and walking away.
I considered how I was feeling at the moment. Why would I want the conversation to go differently then it had? Nick was moving on and going to deal with the fact that I was leaving with Chris instead of him, just like I wanted. Nick wasn’t putting up a fight, so what? I hadn’t chosen him…at least not admittedly.
“Miri, pay attention,” Josh shook me angrily.
I stood there, cigarette in hand. I hadn’t been paying attention apparently.
I raised an eyebrow at my cousin questioningly.
“If you don’t watch our table tonight, I am going to hold your tour pass hostage,” Josh warned, pointing to the laminate dangling from the clip attached to my belt loop.
I scoffed, rolling my eyes before taking a long drag of my cigarette.
Josh poked me hard in the chest, “You’ve been so fucking selfish, Miri. I was so excited to have you on this tour with us but you ruined it. Get over yourself and sell our goddamn merch, okay?”
My mouth fell open and my cigarette plummeted to the ground.
“Yeah, I said it,” Josh crossed his arms over his chest, “the words everyone except you and the Never Shout Never crew were thinking but didn’t have the guts to say. Could you just listen to me, Miri? I’m your fucking family, for Christ sakes!”
I couldn’t even speak. All of my words escaped me and I wasn’t fast enough to catch up to them.
“I’m not going to let you leave with that douche bag,” Josh said finally, running a hand through his overly blond hair.
That was when the words came back, “Fuck you. You’re not my mother and you certainly cannot control what I do.”
Josh was taken aback by my first choice of words, “I’m your older cousin and as long as your parents aren’t on this tour, I am looking after you.”
I stomped on the cigarette that had fallen to the concrete, knowing he was close to defeating me, “I will watch your stupid merch, but I am leaving for Missouri tonight with Chris and his crew and there is nothing you can do about that because as soon as the tour is over, you are no longer looking out for me.”
He sighed in frustration, but I didn’t let him continue. I turned on my heels and walked back into the venue, straight for The Summer Set’s table and Mr. Dylan Dagan.
“Hey Miri,” Dylan’s voice was indifferent as he greeted me.
I merely nodded, “I’m watching the table tonight.”
Dylan’s face lit up, “Yes! I’ll catch you later, then.”
Not even a hug. Dylan didn’t even give me a hug or say thank you or anything. I guess they really are as mad with me as Josh had said.
I sat in the fold up chair that sat behind the long table. Thankfully, everything was already set up. I looked across the way to where the stage was. Rocket were setting up their instruments and chatting on stage. I sighed, catching sight of Nick whom stood by the side of the stage, alone, texting on his phone. When he had finished, he shoved his phone back into his pocket and looked around. His eyes almost met mine, but I was distracted with the feel of a vibration in my pocket.
I read “New Text Message” on my screen and pressed “View Now”. I nearly dropped my phone when I read the message and saw who it was from. Was Nick seriously texting me?
“I want to talk after our set. Find me by the van.”
I shook my head in disbelief. Did he really want to talk to me? I looked back to where he stood on the stage. His phone was in his hand once more but his fingers were not moving. He was anticipating my reply.
I shrugged, considering my options. I could not talk to Nick and be forever curious about what he was willing to tell me. On the other hand, I could meet Nick and brace myself for whatever shit he wanted to throw my way. I decided to be brave and choose the latter.
“Sure.”
A few moments later, some buttons were pressed and Nick’s phone was back in his pocket, but not before I felt another vibration.
“I miss you.”
I looked around to find the person who’s name was currently following the “From:” on my new text message. I saw her standing shyly by the venue door, looking up at me through her dark brown hair and eye lashes.
I smiled at her and she smiled back, lifting her head, finally realizing she was welcome.
I stood up and met her in the middle of our paths for an embrace.
“Miri,” She sighed, prolonging the vowel sounds in my name.
I squeezed her a bit tighter, “Jess.”
As much as Jess Bowen was my best friend, we haven’t talked much since we’ve been on tour together, which was kind of funny, now that you think about it.
“What in the world is going on with you, girl?” Jess asked me, keeping her arms around me.
I sighed, burying my face in her neck, “I’ve got so many problems, Jess.”
Her hands rubbed my back, “You want me to sit with you and talk before our set?”
I nodded desperately. I needed her to soothe my thoughts.
We headed back to the table and I got a fold up chair for her, seating it next to mine.
The doors were to open soon and Jess would most likely get bombarded by kids that knew who she was but we didn’t care, we had some things to discuss and figure out.
“So, Nick wants to talk? What do you think he’s gonna say?” Jess asked, finally getting to what I was most nervous about.
I shrugged, “I don’t know. I decided he’s most likely going to yell at me and call me a whore.”
Jess chuckled lightly, “I highly doubt that, Miri.”
“You don’t know.”
She shook her head, “I don’t. But you and I both know Nick, you better than me! Do you honestly think he would call you a slut or something along those lines?”
I shrugged again, not giving a straight answer.
Jess gasped, “You do think he would, don’t you!”
I slumped down in my chair, “Honestly, I don’t know what to expect from him. He says we’ve both changed so much that he wonders who I am sometimes. I think I’m finally understanding what he meant.”
“Let me ask you this,” Jess began, “If you wanted to be his girlfriend so bad, why didn’t you just ask him?”
This got me thinking. I’m positive I sat there for over five minutes before deciding what to answer, “I just…I didn’t want to be the “man” in the relationship. He should have asked me.”
Jess scoffed, “That’s such a sexist stereotype.”
I sighed, “I wanted him to ask me to prove that he loves me.”
“You know that he does,” Jess said immediately.
I looked at her, confused, “No I don’t. He showed he “loved me” by sneaking around with me behind John’s back and then macking Gracie right in front of me. Funny way to show ‘love’.”
Jess shook her head, continuing my thought, “But you’re forgetting all the times when he pulled you aside and told you he loved you and how adorable you were. Remember that time at the diner when he took some of your food? You guys were so cute that day. Before Chris came around.”
I thought back to that day that seemed so long ago but really wasn’t. Maybe over a week or two ago it happened? It has been a while but how could I forget that? That was when I realized and said that I loved him back for the first time. But he couldn’t love me in the same way based on what I remembered.
“I still don’t think he loves me in the same way, it just can’t be possible,” I felt hopeless.
As much as I wanted Nick to love me, I felt so attached to Chris. The way Chris made me feel, the way he made me forget my problems, it all kept me coming back for more. Chris was like a cigarette to me; so necessary, yet deadly. I needed the numbness that I got when I was with Chris. It made so much sense to me and I didn’t know why no one else could understand it.
Jess and I had been talking for so long, I nearly forgot that Rocket were playing until I heard Nick say a proper goodnight to the crowd.
“Shit,” I mumbled, knowing Jess would still hear me over the roar of the crazed fans.
Jess gave me a slight shove, “Go get ‘em, Mir.”
I sighed, picking myself up off the metal, fold-up chair and headed towards the back of the venue, hoping to find the exit.
I finally got outside and made my way towards the white van that sat on by the edge of the parking lot. I saw Nick standing there, head down, picking a cigarette out of the box and bringing it to his lips to light it. I neared slowly, afraid of the talk that awaited me. Nick blew out smoke and took a step back, leaning against the van. I stood merely thirty feet away, scared to come any closer.
He looked over at me, saying nothing, just staring and smoking, staring and smoking.
“Hey,” His voice was light, not gentle but not harsh.
I waved quickly, barely lifting my arm to do so.
He nodded to me, willing me to come to him and I did.
“How are you?” He asked, blowing out more smoke.
I shrugged, “I’ve been better…you?”
He sighed, looking down at the cigarette in his hand.
I wanted to lift up his chin like he had done for me four years ago. I wanted to tell him that he was so adorable and sweet; he shouldn’t go wasting all of that on a silly cigarette. However, I didn’t. I didn’t lift a finger or utter a single word on the matter; I just let him be.
Finally he spoke, “I’m not doing so well.”
I raised an eyebrow, “Why not?”
His eyes flickered to mine, “I’m hurting, Miri. There’s something missing in my heart and I feel so lonely.”
“Oh,” was all I said, before focusing my eyes on the ground.
“Miri,” Nick spoke, lifting my chin up with his finger, just like I had thought about doing, “Please.”
I pulled away from his finger, “What?”
“I need you so badly Miri, I don’t understand why you left me for that dumb…singer” Nick spoke quickly before realizing he might as well have been describing himself.
I shrugged, not saying anything.
“What did you want from me, Miri? I wasn’t enough for you? You want to be my girlfriend now? Please, just…please. I’m giving you an easy out here. You don’t have to worry about trying to survive with your Missouri beau, just be with me. You’re everything to me and I don’t know what it will take for you to finally understand this.” Nick was getting frustrated now.
I looked up at him, opened my mouth to speak, but closed it quickly before opening it again, “I can’t do that, Nick.”
He gave me an incredulous look, “Why not?”
I shook my head, refusing to answer, “You will never understand, Nick.”
He shrugged, “I guess it makes sense as to why I can never hold on to you for long.”
I questioned him.
“You’re so appealing, Miri. Anyone would be as lonely as I feel when you’re not in their life anymore. You’re so addicting,” He replied, adding a small chuckle on the end.
“What are you saying?” I was beyond confused.
A sigh escaped his lips, along with a slew of smoke, “I wish I could tell you that I was alright with all of this Miri, you and Chris, but I can’t because you’d catch my lie. You seem to know me so well, but then you don’t,”
I nodded, “I understand what you meant earlier on about not knowing me anymore because I feel the same way.”
He shook his head, “Either way, you’ve got everything I’ve ever wanted, but you don’t want me and it hurts, Miri.”
“I,” I didn’t know what to say besides, “I’m sorry.”
“Do you think I’ll see you again after you leave for Missouri?” Nick asked, a hint of hopefulness gleamed in his eyes.
I shrugged slightly, “I don’t want to go back to Arizona.”
Nick nodded, understanding, “Well then, shall this be goodbye?”
I didn’t understand how he could be so cool about this. I knew he really wasn’t and he was putting on a calm façade to mask his anger and sadness, but he was confusing me so much. How could he just talk and have it be done with?
I nodded in reply, suddenly surprised by his arms engulfing me in a hug. I wrapped myself around his slender torso, trying to relive the memory of his skin on mine. The memory was very clear, and I was very fond of that.
I felt his lips pressing against the top of my head and I smiled, “Goodbye, Nick.”
“Just promise me one thing, Miri,” He said, looking down at me, “Don’t ever forget that I love you, okay?”
I nodded, still not feeling 100% comfortable with the way this conversation had been going, “Got it.”
He smiled at me slightly before stomping on his cigarette and walking away.
I considered how I was feeling at the moment. Why would I want the conversation to go differently then it had? Nick was moving on and going to deal with the fact that I was leaving with Chris instead of him, just like I wanted. Nick wasn’t putting up a fight, so what? I hadn’t chosen him…at least not admittedly.
♠ ♠ ♠
Subtitle Cred: Miss You by Between the Trees :)HEY so this took long enough, right? It's not so long...but uhh yeah, I was sort of proud of it when I thought it up in my head but I couldn't exactly remember what I thought so this was as close as I could get! :D
Is this goodbye for Miri and Nick? Hmmm ;)
I would loveloveloveee some feedback! 52 comments, 236 readers & 55 subscribers are a record for me! And the story probably isn't even that close to being over yet! I've got a few more things in store that I'm not going to give hint to, so just guess okay?!
lies; unanswered wrote me a one shot and it is FANTASMIC. Yes, fantastic + orgasmic, okay? It is called Was This Worth The Waiting? and features the precious Andrew Oliver from I See Stars <3. Also, read her lovely John O story because if I can't get enough of it, then you will fell the same way: To Be Loved, To Be Loved!