On a Lonely Night

I didn’t stay at Chris’s that night. I figured that since Nick was here, he had to be with someone I knew. I called my cousin, knowing he was still angry with me, but I needed him, we were family.

“Hello?” I heard on the other side of the line. I was calling from Nathan’s home phone, so he shouldn’t recognize the number. It was a wonder I could even figure out the numbers in my drunken state.
“Josh?” I spoke finally.
“You’re so drunk,” Was all he said. No “Miri!” or anything, just “You’re so drunk.”
I nodded, before realizing he couldn’t see me, “I know. I need you, Josh.”
He was silent for a while, seemed like hours, before he sighed, “Where are you?”
“Nathan’s,” I hiccupped.
“Alright, I’m on my way,” He sounded reluctant.
“I love you so much, Josh.”
He sighed again and added an, “I know,” before hanging up.

I hurried outside to Nathan’s porch and I stayed there, waiting, thinking. My head was swirled with drunken thoughts and broken lyrics. After everything that had just happened with Nick, all I could think about was how his arms felt wrapped around my torso, the way he soothed me just by merely speaking a single word. It was trouble; it was bad, it shouldn’t happen. But I love him and I can’t help that.

“Miri?” I heard my cousin’s voice coming from the darkness.
I looked up to see him coming towards me, “Josh!”
As mad as he was, I noted his small chuckle, “You’re a mess.”
My lip trembled slightly. I was drunk and extremely sensitive.
“Calm down, Miri, You’re beautiful,” Josh stated before reaching down to help me up off the porch.
I stood up and wrapped an arm around Josh’s waist so I could keep stable while his arm rested around my shoulders, holding me up with him.

“Thank you so much, I love you,” I could hear my own voice slurring.
He chuckled once more, “You’re my cousin Miri, I love you too.”
I smiled smugly; satisfied that Josh hadn’t lost sight of the truth.

“I’m so sorry,” I said, once we were in his car, ready to drive off.
He turned to me, turning the car back off.
“I was a selfish bitch and you were right to look out for me. I am so thankful to have you as my cousin, Joshy.”
A simple smile graced his features, “It’s okay, Miri. Let’s just get out of here, hm?”
I nodded, leaning my head back against the headrest.
“John O and the boys recorded a new demo,” Josh said casually.
“Really?!” The news excited me.
He nodded, turning on the CD nonchalantly and side-glancing at me to see my reaction.

The title for the song was still being worked out but the song was about memories growing up and it just made me generally happy. When the song had finished, it changed to an older demo for a song that was now called “Whoever She Is”, but was originally titled “You Don’t Have to Worry”. Listening to these songs made me miss the boys and Arizona more than I had before. I couldn’t wait to go back home.

→

My head pounded when I woke up in an unfamiliar place that morning.
I opened my mouth to speak but the energy to talk escaped me.
“Here,” I heard my cousin’s voice.
I was immediately confused when I saw him standing next to me, Ray Bans on, holding out ibuprofen and a glass of water.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, rubbing my head before accepting his offerings.
He let out a small chuckled, “You were more wasted than I thought.”
I groaned, “What happened?”
He shrugged, “I think you went off with Nick somewhere because before you fell asleep, you wouldn’t shut up about how you should go back and talk to him again. But after that, before you were with me, you went to Nathan’s alone, and then you called me, asking to pick you up. You spent the whole car ride either singing to the music or apologizing to me.”
I sighed, “I guess that’s not that bad.”
He nodded, “I don’t know what happened with Nick, but I can ask him if you want, I’m sure he remembers.”
“Where is he?” I asked, sitting up a little too quickly before taking in my surroundings.

We were in a hotel suite, I quickly realized.
“He’s taking a shower. We’re flying back to Arizona today so I rescued him from Chris’s on our way here,” Josh informed me.
I nodded, not needing to say a word. I peeled the covers off of me and stood up finally, feeling a little dizzy.
“Wait…what about my abortion?” I asked quietly, putting a hand on my stomach, avoiding Josh’s eyes.
“Wait, what?” Josh moved closer to me protectively.
“I thought you knew? Nick knew…” I felt my face getting hot and my hands becoming clammy.
“You’re pregnant?” Josh asked, sounding a little angry.
I nodded quickly, “I don’t know why or how.”
“Dammit Miri. You got that drunk?” So now he was angry.
I shook my head, “Nathan thinks I was raped since I had these bruises…” I lifted up my shirt to show the bruises that were still visible on my hips.
Josh’s jaw dropped as he came over, putting his fingers to the bruises lightly.
“Whoever did this to you dies,” He warned.
I shrugged, “But that’s the thing, I don’t know who did it.”
“I do,” I heard a voice from the door.
I knew who the voice belonged to but I didn’t want to face him quite yet so I merely asked, “Who?” without turning to look.
“I think I should talk to Josh alone for a minute,” Nick hesitated.
I shook my head, turning to face him, “No, tell me, who did it?”
He sighed, running a pale hand through his red hair, “You won’t believe me.”
“Nick,” I was anxious, “tell me.”
“It was Chris,” He said really fast.
I stared at him with disbelief, “No it wasn’t.”
Nick sighed, “Josh?”
“Miri, let Nick and I talk alone for a bit. Go shower, you could use it,” Josh said soothingly while hugging me and kissing the top of my head.
I took a deep breath and nodded, grabbing a towel and heading to the bathroom.

While in the shower, I took my merry little time. I lathered my hair with the hotel shampoo, seeing as I had none, and washed off with a bar of purple soap. The warm water hitting my skin felt so nice and soothed my troubled thoughts.
But the question kept coming back; what if it was Chris? It would make sense because I remember him getting high in the room with me before I blacked out that first night. But that was the only way it could be possible because Chris was not that type of guy.

I made my way back to the room I left Nick and my cousin in. The door was still closed and they were still talking. I was standing, dripping wet with a towel wrapped around my body, waiting when I hatched an idea. I leaned my ear against the door, listening in on their exchange.

“I can’t believe this,” I heard my cousin mumble. I could imagine him with his face in his hands, sitting on the bed.
“I don’t want to believe it, but I know it was him. I talked to Nathan’s sister who used to date him. She said he got a bit rough when he was drunk and she wouldn’t be surprised if he was the one,” Nick said, finishing with a sigh.

I didn’t want to hear this; I was going in and getting changed. They were going to have to deal with it. I swung the door open and stood there for a minute looking at them. I’m sure I was a sight to see. Nick’s eyes scanned my almost dry, towel covered body, aside from my shoulders, which were drenched with water that had dripped from my tangled hair. My cousin sighed, getting off the bed and leaving into the other room.

I came in and headed towards my suitcase and pulled out some clothes. It wasn’t until I was fitting my boots on my feet when Nick spoke up.

“You don’t have to believe me…” Nick sighed from the bed, pulling his knees into his chest.
I nearly jumped. He had been so silent that I forgot he was even in the room.
I turned to him, “Did you really just watch me change?”
He didn’t reply, instead he looked up at me with sad eyes.
I sighed and returned my focus back to my boots that were halfway on my feet, “I’m not going to believe it because I don’t care. All I know is that I am going to get an abortion ASAP.”
He didn’t say anything still. I knew what was going through his mind, or I thought I did. He was thinking about beating up Chris right now. Secretly, I was glad that Chris (or whoever) did this to me; it brought out Nick’s protective side. I felt like Nick really, truly cared, or I knew he did.

“Do you want a smoke?” Nick asked finally as he stood up, whipping a pack of Menthols out of his jacket pocket.
I concluded my fight with my boots as the right one slipped onto my foot, “That sounds fantastic right now.”

→
I wasn’t addicted to smoking cigarettes. Honestly, I preferred marijuana to nicotine AND alcohol. I could stop anytime I wanted; however I liked smoking cigarettes, they made me calm down, which right now was what I needed more than anything.

I took a long drag from my cigarette as Nick lit his; we were in complete silence. I didn’t know what to say to him, if anything. Was there anything to say?

I leaned up against the brick wall in the alleyway where we stood and Nick followed suit. I couldn’t see his face, which was all right with me. I didn’t need any temptation.

“Miri,” Nick spoke after we had both finished our cigarettes, turning to me slowly.
I finally looked over at him, studying his face, his expression. His wide nose was sprinkled with tiny freckles as were the top of his cheeks. His eyelids were baggy, he was tired and his eyes showed it. Light stubble formed on his upper lip and chin, making him look more his age. His thin, pink lips caught my eyes for a while before I noticed his red hair, which looked like he blew it out.
That fact made me laugh.

His eyebrows furrowed, “What’s so funny?”
I suppressed more laughter, “You look like a ginger Guido.”
His smile was gentle was he reached up to fuss with his hair, making it stand up less, “There, How’s that?”
I continued to giggle and shrugged.
“Are you ready to go home?” As much as I tried to keep eye contact with him while he spoke, my eyes moved to his lips, watching the way they curved when he talked.
Almost forgot to answer, “Oh, uh, yeah,” Another shrug.
He gave me a half smile before pushing off the wall and walking out of the alley. I followed soon after.

By the time I reached the doors, he was there, holding it open for me and I thanked him. I was much more calm now and Nick was a proper gentleman.

→
“Thank you for flying US Airways,” The attendant finished as the plane prepared to land in Phoenix, Arizona.

Home at last.

I sat by the window next to Josh on the whole flight and that was okay with me. Again, I didn’t need any temptations.

“I need to get my abortion, “ was the first thing I told Josh when we had received the small amount of luggage that we had taken with us.
Josh nodded, sighing but understanding, “Let’s go find someplace.”

After searching the phonebook by the payphones, I finally chose a place. I decided on going to the 7th Avenue Surgical Center. We waited for our ride outside and whoever was picking us up was taking forever.
“Who’s picking us up?” I asked Josh.
He shrugged, “Could be a Gomez, could be Jess, could be O-“ He was cut off by his phone ringing in his jean pocket.
“Hello? Yeah, we’re waiting by Terminal B. Alright, thanks man, see you soon,” Josh hung up his phone and then turned to me, “O’Callaghan’s got us.”

My face flushed red. First I had to tell my cousin I was pregnant, then I had to hear from Nick that Chris raped me, now not only does John have to find out but he has to drive me to get the damned thing taken out of me.
“Don’t worry,” Nick soothed me, putting a hand on my shoulder, “He won’t be mad at you.”
I knew he was right. If anything, John would start acting protective…maybe he’d even give Chris a call. Who knows? I do know that John will not be okay with it.

→
“Where are we going first?” John asked us once we had gotten in the car.
“7th Avenue,” I replied meekly.
John raised an eyebrow at me in the rear-view mirror, “For what?”
I shrugged and turned away from his gaze.
“We’re going to the Surgical Center,” Josh answered.
“For what?” John pressed on, resting his hands on his lap in frustration.
“I’m getting an abortion, okay? Can we go?” I nearly yelled.
John didn’t say anything; he just looked at me through the mirror before putting the car in drive and turning out and away from the airport.
From the look in his eyes I could tell he was disappointed, in me? Most definitely.

I sighed, leaning my head against Josh’s shoulder and awaiting our arrival to our destination.

→
The whole procedure took about fifteen minutes, a lot shorter than I assumed. Josh came with me while Nick and John talked outside. Finally, they were finished and my cousin and I joined the boys.

“Food?” Nick suggested to the rest of us.
John had been silent around me since the ride to the health center and remained that way…until we got to the restaurant.

I took my sweet time getting out of the car and walked as slowly as possible through the parking lot. John caught on to my act and turned to look at me before he turned back and kept on walking. Before he could get away, I wrapped my fingers around his wrist. I felt him tense up and I let go unhurriedly and waited for him to speak.

“You’re a whore,” It was only three tiny words, eleven letters, one contraction. It wasn’t a lot but it was enough.
I didn’t change my expression. I stayed calm, blank-faced. He didn’t know the story.
He just stared back at me with disgust in his eyes.
Finally, I spoke, “I’ll give you that one, John.”
He laughed bitterly before shaking his head and turning back towards the restaurant. I didn’t follow him. I stayed out there on the curb waiting and waiting. I waited for one of them to come out and ask me if I was okay but no one ever did. I figured they just thought I wouldn’t be hungry after the event that just took place.

→
It’s been three days since John called me a whore, making today Tuesday. I haven’t been out of my house once. No one sent me a text and the only person who actually talked to me besides Josh was my dad. Even then, the conversations were scarce. I wasn’t in the mood and I don’t think my dad or Josh were either. Until today.

Josh came bounding down the hall to find me on the couch in the living room. I was snuggled against my exceptionally large memory foam pillow and my giant, green comforter.
“Get up,” Was all he said as he shoved me before heading into the kitchen.
I sat up slowly, running fingers through my hair. The blond strands atop my head were a mess and I didn’t need a mirror to tell me that. I had showered once since I got home, figuring after I showered, I wouldn’t feel like a dirty whore anymore. This did not happen, so instead I slept all day, even all night. I barely ate anything. The last thing I remember eating were a few crackers on Sunday. This was unhealthy, this was unsanitary, this was how I felt on the inside and out.

I made my way into the kitchen with the speed of a turtle; slow and cautious.
“Miri? Get in here!” Josh warned.
I sighed from the doorway, signifying my presence.
He turned to me with a gigantic smile that was soon diminished at the sight of me, “What ninja kicked your ass?”
I shrugged, not even cracking a smile at his attempt.
“Miri, what’s wrong? You have barely been off the couch in three days! We need to get you out, get you some new clothes, get you some food, something! What’s wrong?” Josh repeated.
I shrugged, “Not important.”
“Miri,” Josh warned again, moving closer to me.
His arms rested on either shoulder of mine and he was desperately trying to get me to look at him.
“John just…” I shook my head. I didn’t want to say it out loud. I didn’t want to admit the truth.
“John what?”
I took a deep breath before shaking my head again.
“Fine,” He withdrew his arms and crossed them over his chest, “If you’re not going to tell me then you don’t get any pancakes,” he gestured to the can of Batter Blaster on the counter, neighbored by a bag of chocolate chips.
I gulped. Josh knew my weaknesses.

“John called me a whore,” I said finally, my mouth watering from the thought of my potential breakfast.
Josh was flabbergasted, “He did what?!”
I shook my head, “I want pancakes.”
“That can wait,” Josh said, wrapping an arm around my torso, pulling me into a hug, “Why would he do such a thing? O’Callaghan, right?”
I nodded and then shrugged.
Josh sighed, pulling himself away from me and heading towards the hall, “I’ll be back soon.”
I heard the jingle of his keys as he lifted them off of the hook, then the open and close of the front door. I knew where he was going.

→
Two hours and five chocolate chip pancakes later, Josh came back but he wasn’t alone.
“Someone wants to talk to you,” Josh warned me as he danced past me, down the hall, to his room.
As soon as John O appeared in the doorway of the kitchen, I wished Josh had given me a more advanced warning. Not only was my hair a mess but I wore my pajamas: shorts, tank top, and no bra. I instantly felt self-conscious.

John offered me a weak smile, “Hey.”
I didn’t respond in any way, I just stared at him.
“Look,” he began talking with his hands as if he was trying to conjure up a sentence, which he most likely was, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed things. It really makes me angry that something like that happened, especially because it happened to you,” he paused to look up at me and my expression hadn’t changed, “You didn’t deserve what I said. Part of me was jealous that you had been with someone else, even though I’ve known about Nick, and the other part of me was jumping to conclusions. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“But you did,” I shook my head, “You can’t take that back.”
He took two giant steps towards me, ”But I can make up for it?”
I didn’t respond, instead I resumed my previous position.
Another step further, “You’re so important to me, Miri and I hate seeing you so messed up like this.”
I gulped as he continued to close the large gap between us. Flashback to when Nick kissed me against the counter.

“Miri,” John whispered, once he was at arms length.
I reached down for his hands, taking both of them in mine and just studying them. I noticed the way his fingers shook slightly, how the light colored hairs on his knuckles weren’t all that long, how clean his nails looked, how pale my hands were compared to his.
He retracted his right hand and moved it to my cheek, bringing my eyes up to meet his. That was when I lost it.