Burning Desires

"Enough!"I yelled my hands tangled in my hair as I watched the two glare at each other.

“You’re both pieces of shit!” Brian growled out at us then turned his attention more on me.“And you… you’re just a fucking whore.” I felt my heart clench and I stumbled back a little, that hurt. I looked away from him as a memory phased through my mind.

Gabe was yelling at me for something, I can't remember what but he was really mad. I was sitting on our bunk crying into my hands as he shoved his finger in my face yelling at me.

"Don't you go near him again! you're a good for nothing whore, anyone could do better than you."He screamed at me and I sobbed harder.

“Take that back you fucker!” Matt growled and moved to punch him, but I moved to stop him.

“I gave you my heart and this is what you do? Sleep with my best friend?! I knew you had feelings for him, but I thought… you felt something towards me.”

"I do!" I said quickly."It's complicated, Brian..."I said quietly.

He laughed a bit with malice lacing every chuckle."It really isn’t. Either you want me or him, so choose, Jade because you’re making a big fucking mess.”

Brian gave one last glare to Matt and walked out of the hotel room. I looked down at the floor and closed my eyes, what had I done....? I had ruined everything, everything I'd tried so hard to get and make myself happy...was ruined.

"He's right."I whispered quietly.

“You’re not a whore, Jade,” Matt said as he took my hands in his.

“Not about that--but I am because who the hell sleeps with her boyfriend’s friend?--I meant about me making a big mess. I… I can’t be here. I’m just ruining your friendship with him.” I said as I took my hands from his, I just didn't want to be touched right now.

“He’ll get over it.”

“I need to leave.” I shook my head and licked my lips.

“To think? All right, I’ll see you at sound check?”He asked me as he looked at me intently, his eyes burning holes into me.

“No, Matt… I mean leave. I can’t stay here.” I told him firmly even though on the inside I felt like a leaf blowing in the wind, I was scared. I was scared I'd maybe lost my chance at love forever, my I'd lost Brian forever...

“What? No… you can’t! Tour just started!” He said seriously as he advanced on me.

I laughed but the humor of a laugh just didn't seem to reach it. "I’m sure I can be easily replaced.” He shook his head in denial and I nodded mine.

“It’s better this way. I’m just… a huge mess. I’m like a fucking hurricane!” I said tears streaming down my face as I stormed out of the room, I rushed into mine and Brian's hotel room. He was sitting on the end of the bed with his head in his hands, I was frozen to the floor and I didn't know how to talk to him and tell him I was leaving.

"Brian..."I whispered softly and he looked up, his bloodshot eyes made my heart fall I looked away the guilt eating away at my heart.

"Don't give me a useless excuses, Jade I don't want to hear it."He told me and I felt the tears sting my eyes.

"I'm sorry I don't know...I don't know what else to say, Brian." I whispered softly as I looked at him. "I do love you and I am a huge mess and I know if I stay here I'll ruin the friendship you and Matt have had for years and years before I even came along..." I said to him.

"So...I'm leaving and you don't have to see me ever again...I think...It will best." I said lightly.

"What?"He said looking up at me his eyes beginning to water.

"I'm leaving..."

"No...don't..."He said his voice almost pleading.

"I can't live with myself right now..I hurt you and I...I love you so so much."I said softly finally admitting my true feelings for Brian to myself out loud as well as him.

"I..."

"Don't say it...it will only make it harder for me to leave..."I said lightly as I began to pack my bags, I shoved my shirts that were strewn across the floor from last nights activities. The thought of it made me choke back a sob as I zipped up my bag.

"Jade...please....please don't leave."He said as I grabbed my medicine off the dresser for my migraines. At that moment they looked so appealing, I felt like..I could just take the whole bottle.

"I have to...you will find someone else and she will treat you better than I ever could."I said turning to face him, his hands went to my face making me cry harder.

"Please."

"No...no."I said crying as I grabbed my bag. "Keep my guitar...."I said and I rushed out of the room pulling out my cellphone to get the next flight to Austin, Texas.

When I finally got to Austin I was numb all over I didn't know if I could breath or even move until the flight attendant had someone help me off the plane. They insisted I be checked over but I told them I was fine. I saw Denise standing by the terminal waiting for me, I dropped my bags and dove into her arms. she hugged me tightly as I cried into her shoulder.

"I'm so stupid..."I cried.

"No honey...you're confused."She said lightly as she stroked my hair.

I lifted my head from her shoulder and she helped me to her car, I was silent I didn't know how to be anything else. My cellphone has twenty-five text messaged from all the guys and about ten missed calls. I looked at the text messages.

brian
Jade? Please come back...please.

Brian
Jade I need you please I...I forgive you....please come back.

I stopped after that one not able to take it anymore, I had made my decision I knew exactly what I was going to do I couldn't let him keep trying to get me I had to make the decision for him. "I'm going to take a shower..."I whispered when we got into the house. I dragged the purple suitcase into the large bathroom with me as it made a scraping sound on the linoleum floor. I opened the suitcase and started the water, I closed the shower then walked back over to my suitcase setting the pills on the counter then began stripping my self of all my clothing.

I looked at myself in the mirror my eyes red from crying dark circles around them, I was paler than usual also. My eyes quickly trailed to the love bite I'd received from Brian only the night before. I looked at the pills and opened the pouring over half the bottle in my hands and shoving the pills down my throat. I cried softly as I walked into the shower, I knew this was the right thing to do... I knew I had to do this so Brian could move on.

I fell to the floor of the shower and cried."I love you...I love you..."I cried softly.