Seventeen and Invincible

Lord knows I’ve failed you time and again, but you and me are alright.
We won’t say our goodbyes, you know it’s better that way. We won’t break, we won’t die, it’s just a moment of change.

The cup of coffee sat in my hands but I hadn’t taken a single sip from it. The steaming beverage just sat there, warming my hands, as I suddenly felt cold and empty. They were leaving in exactly twenty-two minutes.

“Ani,” Garrett whispered, forcing me to open my eyes. “Anika, it isn’t the end of the world. I’m sure Germany will be so nice that you won’t even want to come home.” I shook my head because it wasn’t true. Germany would never be better than Tempe. I closed my eyes again because I wasn’t going to cry.

“Garrett, stop it.” I squeezed my eyes tighter; the tears weren’t going to slip past this time.

“Anika, come on, please?”

“Garrett,” I began, holding onto the edge of the table tightly, “Garrett just shut up!”

He sighed loudly before speaking again. “Anika, I’ll come visit you. You’ll be back here soon. It won’t be that bad. Just think about it.”

“Shut up!” I yelled at him. “Just shut up! Okay? Let’s just not talk about the fact that in twenty minutes you’re going to be gone and when you come back I’m not gonna be here.” I released my grip on the table. “Let’s just ignore it, okay? That’s all we can do.” He nodded as I opened my eyes again, reaching across the table to take hold of my hand.

His hand sat in mine for fifteen of the next twenty minutes. He didn’t draw a circle on my palm and we didn’t speak. There were no reassuring squeezes and we didn’t look at each other—we couldn’t bear to.

My eyes rested on my coffee cup in my right hand, still untouched. I had been glancing between the green writing on the cup and the clock on the wall approximately every five seconds. As the seconds slipped away I could feel my heart beat faster. As the time disappeared I could feel the distance start to form between us. As the time floated past I felt like I was being ripped into three: one piece to go away with him on tour; one to stay here and wait for him; and a final piece to do what I needed to do—go to Germany.

“We have five minutes,” he whispered. I nodded. I had nothing to say to him. There wasn’t a single thing I could ask him or tell him or do to him to make him stay. I had no right to ask him to stay. He had no obligation. He was not responsible for me. It wasn’t his job to take care of me. “We should walk across the street.” I stood, taking the cup of coffee and tossing it in the trash can.

The walk across the street seemed to take forever. It seemed to drag on for an eternity. Our hands were still clasped together. Our faces still held the same undeniably blank expression.

“Two minutes,” I whispered, looking down at the pavement. “One hundred and twenty seconds until you’re gone,” I sighed. It seemed so much sooner that way. One hundred and twenty seconds. A second went by so fast. A hundred and twenty went by in the blink of an eye.

“Shh,” he whispered, placing his index finger under my chin and lifting it until I made eye contact with him. I averted my gaze. “Hey,” he smiled painfully, “Ani, look at me. Hey, come on.” I slowly looked back at him. “There we go. That’s my girl.” I shook my head and wrapped my arms around him.

“Don’t go,” I whispered breathlessly. I wound my arms tightly around his neck. I held onto him like a little kid. “Please, Garrett, please don’t go,” I shook my head, tears welling up in my eyes.

“Shh, sweetie, calm down. It’ll be okay.” I shook my head again. My cheeks were heating up and my vision was completely clouded.

“No, Garrett. Please. Garrett, don’t go,” I sighed. “I said I wouldn’t ask. I told myself I wouldn’t do that to you. But I’m being selfish. It’s my turn to be selfish. You wouldn’t let me go and you told me it was because you were too selfish. Now it’s my turn. And I’m being nice, Garrett. I’m asking you. Please, Garrett, don’t go. Don’t leave me here.” I rested my head on his shoulder, my arms still tight around his neck. “Please.”

“Ani,” he whispered, his throat dry and scratchy. “Ani, I have to go.” I shook my head, holding on tighter.

“Call Halvo!” I demanded. “John said he’d be willing to go if I needed you. Garrett, I need you.” I sighed and sobbed holding onto him. “I’ve watched you go before. Now I’m being selfish. Now you have to watch me go. It’s your turn.” He sighed and I just held on tighter. “The more you resist, the tighter I’ll hold on, Garrett. It works both ways.”

“Ani, we have to go. If you’d asked a half hour ago, I’d tell you that I’d stay. You know I would.” I shook my head. “Ani, Halvo probably won’t be ready in time. Ani, I have to go.” I refused to let go.

“No! Garrett! No, Garrett, I need you. I’m telling you I need you. You told me that if I needed you, you’d stay. You promised me. Garrett, you said you’d stay if I asked.” He managed to unwrap my arms from his neck and hold my hands at a little less than arms length. “No,” I said brokenly.

“I don’t want to,” he sighed. “Ani, you have to believe me. I don’t want to leave you here. I have to go.” I shook my head again and squeezed his hands in mine, hoping he wouldn’t be able to pull away.

“I need you! Garrett! Please?” He pulled his hands out of my grasp and moved one up to cup my cheek, planting a soft kiss on my forehead. “Garrett,” I whispered.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered shaking his head. “I’m sorry, Ani.” He took a step away and walked toward the bus, still facing me.

“No!” I yelled, frozen in my place. Everyone turned to look. “No! It’s my turn to be selfish, Garrett. You had your turn. You’ve had several. This is mine.” He shook his head, turning to board the bus after everyone else. He stopped halfway up to look back at me and force a weak smile. “Garrett!” I yelled.

“I’m sorry,” he mouthed as turned back around. I ran over to the bus as he was shutting the door. I stepped back as it started to pull away. I stood alone with tears falling freely, gliding down my make-up free cheeks.

“I need you,” I whispered, my voice cracking as I lost sight of the bus. “Come back,” I sobbed. “I need you, Garrett.”

My phone vibrated in my pocket, but I ignored it. I wasn’t in a talking mood. I wasn’t in the mood for the sympathetic look Mia was giving me from where she stood by her car.

I crossed the street back to the Starbucks where I wasted another two dollars on another cup of coffee that I wasn’t going to drink. I watched from the table we’d sat at before as the sun finished rising and the sky stopped changing from pink to blue. I stared at the sun as the world around me took on a sun kissed glow that made everything look like a television show set in the seventies.

I stared out in front of me as goodbye set in and chilled me to the bone.