I Think I'm...
I think I'm... gay
Now were sitting at thew table with me beside Dirk and my mom and Andy across from us.It was pure silence, which was nothing new but Dirk has almost never eaten with us so they had to know something is up.I looked at Dirk to see him give me the "do it," look. I wanted to back out but i knew Dirk would probably beat the crap out of me and i didn't feel like i was out of the closet till I did this.I needed to do this, I have to do this, for myself. I sighed and opened my mouth to talk.
"What is going on here,"Andy said in a stern voice.
"What?"I asked
"The no taking is nothing new with you but why is your friend here?"Mom butted in.
"His name is Dirk. you have only met him like a thousand times."
"If you have something to say will you just say it because this is getting annoying,"Andy shouted at me, AT ME.I'm not his son so he has no right to shout at me.
"Fuck you,"I shouted and threw my plate on the ground.'I'll talk when I'm ready. I don't need to yelling at me about it,"I yelled in his face.
"stop yelling,"Dirk said calm and then pulled me back into my seat.
"No need to fight lets just talk,"my mom tried.She reached her hand across the table and held on to mine until I noticed and pulled away.
"OK, you wanna talk?lets talk about how I'm gay."
"What,"Mom and Andy replied
"I....like....boys,....not....girls,"I said slow like they are idiots(which they are.)
"Are you his boyfriend,"Andy asked Dirk.
"Oh, no, i like girls,"he replied quickly.He looked so nervous and his cheeks were getting red which caused me to laugh a little bit.
"This is not funny Guy,"my mom yelled."Why didn't you tell us before now, we could have gotten you help."
"This is why I didn't tell you.I don't need help and I'm not sick. I just happen to like dick."
"That rhymed," dirk whispered to me, calming my mood for a second.
"Don't use that language at this table,"Andy yelled.
"No problem because were leaving this table and this house."
I pulled Dirk out of his seat and we grabbed are coats before walking to his house. His mom was home and hated it when we spent all of are time playing video games so we did the next best thing and watched tv, that didn't make he too happy either.Everything was fine until i got a feeling like i just got hit by a large truck.Tears started to form in my eyes and i tried my best to hide it.I have only cried in front of Dirk a handful of times but this felt different.this time its my feelings that are hurt.
"Guy what is wrong,"Dirk asked hugging me.
"I don't know, I'm upset because the hate me now. and i hate me now because I'm upset because they hate me,"I sniffed and turned away from him.
"It's ok to care what they think even though you hate them."Dirk hugged me tighter as I sniffed up the last of my tears. "If they hate you then you will still have Julia, Andrew, and me."
I was at his house for a few more hours while he comforted me and told me that I would be better off if i had a better boyfriend.He was right, Chad was a really bad boyfriend. He was pushing me to have sex, hes abusive, and in the closet.I tell him i wont have sex with him until he's out but I'm such a fucked up person that I would probably sleep with him if he just stopped picking on me.Talking with Dirk actually made me feel better but once I had to leave I was sad again.
Walking home was not too bad seeing as its only a few blocks and by the time I got home I saw all the lights out. I walked in quiet so I didn't wake them, it's not that i cared if they woke up. i just didn't want to deal with them.I ran up to my room and got into my shower.Besides the few times in front of Dirk, the shower was the only other place i could cry. I started crying in the shower after my dad killed himself and stopped crying in front of my mom.i didn't want her to ever see the pain I'm in because it would only make her more happy. Now every time I'm around her and Andy I'm too pissed off to produce tears.
I walked into my room with a towel around my waist and then looked for some pj pants. Once I found my favorite black and white stripped pants i got into bed.I'm not a religious person but i believe in all paths to god so sometimes I still pray. I'm not praying to God though, I pray to my dad. I ask him to take care of me like he did when I was little. I also ask him to take care of Dirk, Julia, and their families. I don't pray every night because my dad would get tired of my pleading but when I do pray I feel at peace after I'm done.my dad was my hero when i was little and even though he is dead, i still count on him.
When i was done praying i got into bed ready for sleep to take over but i could hear my mom come in my room to check on me. I hate when she acts like she cares because I know deep down she doesn't and she knows it too.When my dad died she didn't even want me to live with her she wanted a new life free of her past. I'm the reminder every day that my dad killed himself because she is such a dad person, and for that she hates me.Once she found out i was on drugs she just sent me away for a year, she didn't even try to help me at home first.she never even tried to see me unless she had to some down to sign something.
i tried to look asleep while she was in my room but pretending just sent me into a real deep sleep.
"What is going on here,"Andy said in a stern voice.
"What?"I asked
"The no taking is nothing new with you but why is your friend here?"Mom butted in.
"His name is Dirk. you have only met him like a thousand times."
"If you have something to say will you just say it because this is getting annoying,"Andy shouted at me, AT ME.I'm not his son so he has no right to shout at me.
"Fuck you,"I shouted and threw my plate on the ground.'I'll talk when I'm ready. I don't need to yelling at me about it,"I yelled in his face.
"stop yelling,"Dirk said calm and then pulled me back into my seat.
"No need to fight lets just talk,"my mom tried.She reached her hand across the table and held on to mine until I noticed and pulled away.
"OK, you wanna talk?lets talk about how I'm gay."
"What,"Mom and Andy replied
"I....like....boys,....not....girls,"I said slow like they are idiots(which they are.)
"Are you his boyfriend,"Andy asked Dirk.
"Oh, no, i like girls,"he replied quickly.He looked so nervous and his cheeks were getting red which caused me to laugh a little bit.
"This is not funny Guy,"my mom yelled."Why didn't you tell us before now, we could have gotten you help."
"This is why I didn't tell you.I don't need help and I'm not sick. I just happen to like dick."
"That rhymed," dirk whispered to me, calming my mood for a second.
"Don't use that language at this table,"Andy yelled.
"No problem because were leaving this table and this house."
I pulled Dirk out of his seat and we grabbed are coats before walking to his house. His mom was home and hated it when we spent all of are time playing video games so we did the next best thing and watched tv, that didn't make he too happy either.Everything was fine until i got a feeling like i just got hit by a large truck.Tears started to form in my eyes and i tried my best to hide it.I have only cried in front of Dirk a handful of times but this felt different.this time its my feelings that are hurt.
"Guy what is wrong,"Dirk asked hugging me.
"I don't know, I'm upset because the hate me now. and i hate me now because I'm upset because they hate me,"I sniffed and turned away from him.
"It's ok to care what they think even though you hate them."Dirk hugged me tighter as I sniffed up the last of my tears. "If they hate you then you will still have Julia, Andrew, and me."
I was at his house for a few more hours while he comforted me and told me that I would be better off if i had a better boyfriend.He was right, Chad was a really bad boyfriend. He was pushing me to have sex, hes abusive, and in the closet.I tell him i wont have sex with him until he's out but I'm such a fucked up person that I would probably sleep with him if he just stopped picking on me.Talking with Dirk actually made me feel better but once I had to leave I was sad again.
Walking home was not too bad seeing as its only a few blocks and by the time I got home I saw all the lights out. I walked in quiet so I didn't wake them, it's not that i cared if they woke up. i just didn't want to deal with them.I ran up to my room and got into my shower.Besides the few times in front of Dirk, the shower was the only other place i could cry. I started crying in the shower after my dad killed himself and stopped crying in front of my mom.i didn't want her to ever see the pain I'm in because it would only make her more happy. Now every time I'm around her and Andy I'm too pissed off to produce tears.
I walked into my room with a towel around my waist and then looked for some pj pants. Once I found my favorite black and white stripped pants i got into bed.I'm not a religious person but i believe in all paths to god so sometimes I still pray. I'm not praying to God though, I pray to my dad. I ask him to take care of me like he did when I was little. I also ask him to take care of Dirk, Julia, and their families. I don't pray every night because my dad would get tired of my pleading but when I do pray I feel at peace after I'm done.my dad was my hero when i was little and even though he is dead, i still count on him.
When i was done praying i got into bed ready for sleep to take over but i could hear my mom come in my room to check on me. I hate when she acts like she cares because I know deep down she doesn't and she knows it too.When my dad died she didn't even want me to live with her she wanted a new life free of her past. I'm the reminder every day that my dad killed himself because she is such a dad person, and for that she hates me.Once she found out i was on drugs she just sent me away for a year, she didn't even try to help me at home first.she never even tried to see me unless she had to some down to sign something.
i tried to look asleep while she was in my room but pretending just sent me into a real deep sleep.