Ten Things I Hate

It sounds screwed up because it is, but I couldn't get Pat out of my mind. I wasn't sure if it was because of my own feelings, or the several strange occurrences between the both us of that had happened over the last few weeks. Rachel was becoming increasingly persistent in her advocacy that I liked him. It had been different to the Kennedy situation, where I had been tricked into feelings by everyone around me. This had been done solely by Pat's inconsistently confusing behaviour. I had, however, had it up to my eyeballs with Rachel proclaiming that I had feelings for Pat every second there was a silence and he wasn't around.
"Rach! Can you just shut up about it please?" I snapped one afternoon in my bedroom, as I printed off the photos from the band practice. She shook her head. "Arrrrrrgh, why not? It's getting really annoying."
"Because," she said simply. "Do you think I'd be anywhere near as excited by this whole situation going on here if he didn't like you back?"
I rolled my eyes. Rachel would never understand. Whilst I might have felt the tiniest of feelings for Pat, I was not about to let her know that. Even if she was my best friend, I'd rather lie and be right, then tell the truth and be wrong. "He doesn't like me back, because there's no feeling for him to return." I lied, and quite truthfully I thought I was doing myself a favour.

I saw Pat three days later as everyone crammed into our usual booth at Denny’s. He shot a small smile at me and I returned the gesture, tucking my hair behind my ear. John had seen it, and he narrowed his eyes at me across the table. I quickly stared down at my lap, blushing slightly. When I looked back up, he was smiling knowingly at me, almost throwing it in my face that he knew what was going on. It took us fifteen minutes to order as Garrett deliberated between two meals once again, and in the end John ordered for him when he’d had enough. We’d gotten our meals, and I was practically inhaling my burger when my phone vibrated in my pocket.

Well, don’t you look sexy swallowing without chewing?
From: Pat

I immediately felt a blush burning on my cheeks. Nobody noticed that I was reading a text message, the boys were too absorbed in their food to care and Rachel had gone to the bathroom. I couldn’t tell if he was joking or if he was being serious. I glanced up at him, a small smirk on his face as he played with his fries. His eyes met mine and he motioned his head to the door. I mouthed a quick “you first” and he got up, saying he thought he left his wallet in his car. Jared was the only one who noticed and nodded slightly, throwing a fry at John. Once Pat was out the door, I put down my cutlery. “I’m not feeling too well, I’m gonna get a lift from Pat home,” I said, but I wasn’t even sure if they heard me. A grunt came from Kennedy, who had a mouthful of burger. I quickly walked out the door, walking faster than normal to where Pat stood at his car. “So, why are we out here?” I asked.

“Take a ride with me?” he asked, unlocking the car and opening the passenger side door for me. I smiled and shrugged, climbing in and fastening my seatbelt as he shut the door. When he clambered in next to me, he looked at me with such an expression I couldn’t place its intentions and started the car. As he reversed, he spoke. “So... you never replied the other night.”

I knew this would come up. I had chosen to ignore the message on the principle that I didn’t want to get over my head. And I knew that replying would get me in over my head with Pat. Admitting that I had slight feelings for the boy was hard enough, but replying to a cryptic message without implying anything was almost impossible. “Yeah, I ran out of credit.” Pat tutted jokingly.

“Not good enough, Sophia,” he said, the way he said my name making me almost feel like I was floating. “Go on a plan.” I wasn’t sure what to answer to that. I had never been awkward with Pat, just moody and generally bitchy. And now he had me from hating him, to admitting we weren’t so different, to being unable to get him out of my head and now to being tongue tied around him. I had never been like this before, with anyone. I laughed nervously.
“And spend all of my money? Yeah, right!” I scoffed, then instantly regretted it. I had sounded like a right idiot. Pat only laughed, simply agreeing with me about spending all my money. He mentioned that soon I would be getting free meals and paid by him, partially so I wouldn’t need to worry. He was cut off by my phone buzzing in the centre console. I quickly fished it out to see Rachel’s name flashing on calling ID. I deliberated on whether to answer it, deciding not to and putting it back where it had been.
“Not gonna answer it?” Pat asked. “Who was it?”

I contemplated lying, but knew there was no point in it. Besides, it’s not like I had anything to hide from Pat. We weren’t together and it wasn’t my ex-boyfriend calling or anything like that. There was no situation to even worry about. We were simply two friends, driving in his car. So what if we both unsure of how the other felt and had an increasing amount of sexual tension starting to build? “Rachel. Probably calling to ask where I am. And obviously she knows I’m with you and if I told her, she’d make a big deal out of it.”
“Why would she make a big deal? We’re friends now, right?” Pat asked, glancing at me quickly to see my reaction.
“Yeah, of course we are. But Rachel...” I was unsure now of whether to add the next part on. If I did, I risked a bit of embarrassment. I could send the new formed connection Pat and I had back into the silent treatment that had been around only weeks before. I decided to go for it; perhaps our new bond would mean we had the ability to laugh it off? “Rach seems to think that there are more than friendship feelings, if you get what I mean? Like, from both of us...”

Pat went tense for a few seconds, I saw his knuckles go white on the steering wheel. “Oh... why would she think that?”
“I dunno,” I replied. “It’s Rachel; you know what she’s like, fabricating something out of nothing.” I attempted a joke as the cheery mood had taken a sudden serious turn. I saw him frown, but he didn’t look at me. “What’s wrong?”
“So you reckon she’s being an idiot? That there’s nothing there?”

I didn’t want to give the wrong answer to this question. One wrong answer meant that I could ruin a potential good friendship, or a potential good relationship. It was a catch 22. Pick one, ruin the other. There was going to be a loss with the win. “I don’t know.” I took the safest bet I could, answer a question with a question. “Do you think there is?”
Pat didn’t reply straight away, but looked very deep in thought as he manoeuvred the car around the streets. “I’m not sure, I know I’m glad we’re friends and that it’s a good thing you’ve come around to me. But at the same time, I get this... vibe from you that maybe you’re not sure how you feel.”

Had I been that obvious? Whether or not my feelings were enough to act upon was what I was mainly concerned about. I was positive that I enjoyed Pat’s company, especially when it was just him and I. Upon that conclusion, I could only think about how I wouldn’t think like that if I didn’t have feelings for him, and then realised that I did. “What if I’m not sure?” I asked boldly. He looked at me, another one of those unreadable expressions across his face.
“What if I’m not either?” Pat said. I heard my phone buzzing from the centre console again, but I ignored it. He pulled the car over on a small street, and it was then that I realised I had no idea where we were. The buzzing stopped and Pat turned in his seat to look at me, unclipping his seatbelt.
“Then I guess we leave it at that?” I suggested, my heart pounding in my chest. I shrugged, hoping to give off a nonchalant, uncaring attitude about the pure intensity of the conversation and the way he was looking at me. My phone began to buzz again, but I continued to ignore it as Pat bore holes into me with his gaze.
“Do you want to leave it at that?” he asked, his voice flat and knowing at the same time. To me, it seemed that he could read my mind, know exactly what I was thinking. Ignoring the incessant buzzing from my phone, I slouched further in my seat and looked up at Pat.
“I dunno.”

Before I had even finished the sentence, he was close to me. His body was leant over the console, over my ever vibrating phone and his eyes locked with mine. “You either do, or you don’t. Which is it, Soph?”

I didn’t have an answer but I did the only thing that seemed to be more prominent in my mind. While my head was racing a million miles an hour (just like my heart), I could only find one thought that seemed to stick out more than the rest. I moved my body so I could reach up and as I did, pressed my lips against his. Pat didn’t flinch or pull away, instead he responded the way I expected he would: he kissed me back. One of his hands held the back of my neck, the other playing with my hipbone. He started to inch away from me, but I refused to let his lips leave mine and I followed him as he moved back towards his side of the car. Soon I had my legs either side of his in the driver’s seat, my hands tangled in his long hair and his gripping my hips, keeping me close to him. I felt my lungs burning for air but I didn’t want to let go. I felt his hands move under my shirt but I didn’t stop him. I gripped the bottom of his shirt, inching it higher and he pushed me against the steering wheel, letting the horn resound in the quiet street.

And my phone was still buzzing away, sitting there in the centre console, this time being ignored for a reason.