Unable to Stay, Unwilling to Leave

I brought myself up. For the strangest reasons I felt that being around him brought the real me to the world. With the smile still spread across my lips I looked up to the sky it no longer seemed gray and dull, but full of bright blue opportunities. But, taking those opportunities were impossible, I had no idea how to grasp them and take full advantage.

"Why won't you let me know your name?" he had asked as my head was tilted to the sky. I slowly turned to him. He was looking straight back at me, waiting for me to answer truthfully. I looked back to the horizon, the darkest blue lines the sea as it blended in wit the sky. I searched myself for answers, taking a deep breath of the air the ocean had to offer.

"Why must you know?" I asked, realizing that I couldn't find an answer.

"I know that you probably hate being called Miss. Hays, like you're an old lady or something..." I quickly turned to him, I once again had a hidden smile. I raised and eyebrow and turned away, where I could show the sparks of being somewhat happy through my smile.

"I am not an old lady," I said, turning back to him once my smile left.

"Anything but, Miss Hays," he questioned, having a grin freely appear.

"Playing coy I see, Mr. Way," I said, catching one last gimps of his smile as I turned away and began to walk down the deck, hoping that he would follow.

"Please tell me your name..." My cheeks were pulling for my lips to grin, but I had to force them down; which was seemed rather impossible.

"I already have, Mr. Way," I stated as I kept heading forward, I could feel his presence not so far behind. Not to long after I had said that, he was walking at my side. He slowed his pace, having his hands behind his back, walking casually as if we had been friends ever since the we were born. He walked along, hiding the fact that people were admiring a third and first class man and women walking together.

"That's the public side of you, I want to know the secret side." I looked over to him, softly laughed, shook my head and turned back. Then I stopped suddenly and turned to him. Why was he so persistent?

"And what exactly makes you think that there's a secret side?" I asked, almost glaring at him.

"There's always a secret side to someone," he said. He looked at people passing by, they stared and he tried to hide himself from staring back at them.

"I'm guessing the pessimistic side to you is no secret." He almost spat in laughter. I hide my own and began walking again, I didn't want to run away, I wanted him to follow.

"And I'm guessing those smiles you're hiding are apart of the secret side to you, as well." I stopped again in shock. I turned to him:

"No secret..." I said, smiling to him. His eyes darted as his very own smile grew bigger.

"You should smile more often." He didn't exactly know that there were hardly any chances for me to do so.

"Why is that?"

"Many reasons, the main one would be because you have a beautiful smile." I began laughing and walking down the deck once again.

"How very flattering and unbelievable," I responded.

"Hey! It was in all honesty!" he sprung, coming beside me once again.

"Very well..."

I kept my pace slow, waiting for him to say something. I waited for quite awhile. I desperately wanted him to say something, anything. I couldn't bring myself to speak, I didn't know what to say. When I was around men placed in society's high, I found myself wanting to say a million things to them, of course I couldn't say them. But, he was different, he made me speechless. Just as I thought the conversation would end with either of us saying goodbyes to each other, I felt his hand gently touch my wrist, bringing me to stop.

"Please, tell me you name..." His eyes were pleading, they glimmered in the sun light. His hair also reflected the sun's light, jet black began and the white the sun made ended it. His skin pale and blended with the pale pink of his lips.

I then knew why I was so reluctant to give him my name...If I gave him the secret side, I would never want to go back. I was naive to what would occur after. I softly sighed.

"I'll guess it then..." I weakly smiled; "Rebbecca? Emily? Kate? Alexandra? Julia?" he said one after another, "Laura? Anne?" My eyes shot up to him, his smile grew. He opened his lips...

"Anne!" My heart beat raced and I turned around to another voice calling me. Madeline was walking closer, I looked back to him, his once smiling lips were grinning. I turned back to Madeline, feeling disappointed and afraid.

"Madeline," I said, smiling. "Good morning."

"I was hoping to see you today. I am sorry for last night, I do dislike conversations such as those." She explained.

"I am fine now, I apologize for leaving like I had." She looked behind, her eyes slowly traced themselves back to my own.

"May I ask who this is?" she asked politely, having somewhat of a smirk. I stepped as side and brought him into the conversation.

"Madeline, this is Gerard Way. Gerard, this is Madeline." I introduced, watching as Gerard brought his hand across to her, she gently took it and smile. I looked down to his hand, he softly shook her hand in a very gentlemen like way, I weakly smiled knowing that he was acting first class.

"Pleasure to meet you, Madeline," he said politely, smiling at her, then grinning to me. I bit down on my bottom lip. Madeline saw and brought up a grin.

"Likewise, Gerard." She held her posture; although she was heavily pregnant, which came to me as a surprise. "Harrison spoke to me about the resent engagement, I just wanted to...congratulate...you." The few moments of escape faded away and reality was screaming at me. Shocks and shocks of self hatred overwhelmed me, I hated myself. I hated myself for letting him find out.

"Thank you." I wanted to say everything but that, everything but. There was no escaping it, I could hide, but couldn't run. Thousands and thousands of voices were screaming inside my head. All I wanted was for it to stop.

"The key hasn't be thrown away yet..." I looked up to her. "I must be off, seize the day..." Was what she had said before she left. Leaving me with her words to freeze inside my mind.

Gerard was staring into me, no smiles, just a blank stare. I watched as he search through his pocket, bringing out a cigarette and matches. My heart was sinking once again, it was all a repetition. (much like the way I'm writing this story, I am really sorry ._.)

He went back over to the railing, sparking the match and throwing it overboard. The flame didn't last for an eternity, it faded as fast as its explosion into flames. The disappointment lingering in the air around him must have suffocated the flames, I just wondered why.

"Harrison?" The questions arose. I stood back, still hiding.

"Mr. Clate." He slowly looked back me, his eyes no longer seemed to glitter. He turned back.

Those voice continued to scream and scream. As much as I wanted to run from him, something was forcing me to stay. Something strange and unknown. I had never know how naive I could be.

"You're marring a man you can't call by his first name?"

"Look," I began, going closer to him. Nervousness caved inside, my breath stuttered. Why was it so important to explain? I could never explain that to myself. "I don't know why anyone would care, but, I don't even remotely like this man, I despise him. I just wish there was any hope of stopping it, but I can't." The smoke blew to another side just as he began gazing into the blank emotion my eyes expressed.

"Then leave..." He pleaded. He knew the solution to it all, he expressed it and wanted to show me that it was what should happen.

"You can guess who I am, but you will never know how hard it is to be that person. I can't. I'm trapped, Gerard, trapped. I'm going to marry a man whose main intention is to marry me and gain extreme wealth. You can never guess nor understand that." My regretful words came spilling from my lips. He looked as though he had seen this all a thousand times, like he knew exactly what to say and do, I hated it. I no longer wanted to stand there and be judged, or judge others on who they are; I thought that obviously this man wasn't who I thought he was. So, I took a step back, giving him one last chance to see the side of me that I was going to once again lock away for the rest of forever. I was stepping away from the only man to see that secret side.

"Wait!" His hand wrapped around my wrist. "Don't go." I looked into honesty's eyes. "Please? I mean, I threw all my money away just for you." A small smile was slowly creeping upon my lips, it grew bigger and bigger as his did. There wasn't a thing I could do to ignore it.

"Would you like to join me for breakfast? I'm sure that you will be saying that to make me feel guilty for awhile, unless I start repaying you for what I made you do." He laughed and bit his lip, giving me a look of thought.

"Only if you stop hiding..."

____

I brought myself back to reality as it was. I could barely tell I was telling this sorry, it replayed in my mind just like a film. I remember word for word, thought for thought, feeling for feeling. The impact of it all was pressed inside my mind just like ink being pressed into paper.

"He actually guessed your name? He must of known."

"As strange as it was, he didn't. He truly did guess." He brought a smile to my face, like he was still standing before me.

"He said Kate," my Granddaughter said. I looked up to her and grinned, it wasn't like the way I used to. She was grinning with bright energy, the way I wanted to.

"Yes, that's where you got your name from. I'm sure it would have the name he wanted to give..."