Unable to Stay, Unwilling to Leave
Circles
___
I held my hands as though he was holding, they trembled uncontrollably. I hated seeing the pale color of them, they shook and I couldn't stop them. They were as old as I was.
"It's hard to believe that was the very first time I had kissed a man," I said, still lingering inside the memory. My eyes wandered over to my Granddaughter, who was the same age I was when I had first met him. Her eyes darted as I looked at her. I knew she must have kissed a thousand young men before she turned seventeen; back then, it was impossible to find a young man and women who had kissed before they got married.
"What happened then? Did you stay with him?" I slightly chuckled and pushed my head further back into the pillow, hoping to sink in.
"The ship was set straight ahead, I was going in circles."
___
I felt his hands slowly slip away from me, as did his lips. It was extremely hard to understand what was happening and the feeling that was bubbling inside my stomach. My heart was pounding, my hands were shaking, and I didn't feel as though I was myself anymore.
He stood there, just staring back at me. I had no idea what he was thinking, how he felt or what he was going to say right at that moment. I didn't think there was anything to say. He slowly began to smile. I watched as his lips curled and curled until he began to grin, my lips smiled in confusion...Why was he grinning?
"'Why are you grinning so triumphantly?" I asked, still admiring ever aspect of his charming lips. He lifted his hand and wiped his thumb across my cheek, it felt like a feather brushing against my skin, tickling the nerves.
"You have charcoal on your cheek, well, not now..." My heart had suddenly dropped, there was a sense of something not being right, something wasn't how it was meant to be. Like someone screaming from a rooftop I hear a gasp. Both our attentions shot to the deck above.
My Mother stood there, looking down on us. "Help! That man is attacking my Daughter!" She screeched, the sound itself was good enough to ripped through my soul and tear out my heart. "Help! That man is attacking my Daughter!" She screeched again.
My eyes landed back upon his, his eyes darted. I took a step back, knowing that this moment will only come to me once and never again. I looked up once again but she was no longer there. Her presence was filled with the harsh sounds of pounding footsteps on the wooden planks of the deck. Each step reminded me of gun shots, shooting in every direction.
"Miss! Miss!" A man came running over. Gerard calmly took a step back, he stood as though he was watching from a far. "Are you alright? Men, hold that man!" A few other crewmen took hold of Gerard while the man in front of me stood in disbelief.
"I'm fine," I firmly said, draining all emotion from my body.
"Did this man attack you?" A cold chill ran down my spine as a familiar voice joined the tension in the air.
"No, Mr. Clate, he did not attack me," I said, watching as my Mother causally strolled over.
"Anne! Are you alright?" She exclaimed.
"Please, Mrs. Hay, I shall settle this," Mr. Clate told her. I felt cold, as though I was coming down with a fever. I just dreaded standing there not being able to look back at Gerard. Doubt crawled through my mind; wondering if Gerard even cared.
"He did not attack me, he merely pointed out...a bug...that was crawling on my cheek, he brushed it off before it had the chance to bite me," I said the first lie that came to my mind. I looked over to Gerard, who was hiding a smile.
"Is this true?" My Mother asked, looking back at Gerard.
"Yes," I answered. "It was one of those terrible bugs, that bite you and make your skin itchy, a, ah...a-"
"-It was a mosquito," Gerard added.
"A mosquito? In the middle of the ocean?" Mr Clate questioned.
"Well, you know third class people, they bring everything with them," Gerard answered.
"Enough of these fairy tales, arrest this man!" My Mother ordered.
"I'm sorry, 'mam, but your Daughter says he has done nothing wrong. He's done nothing wrong, right, Miss. Hays?" The crewmen asked. Everyone watched me and waited for the answer. My eyes dragged to Gerard's, he knew what the answer was, but begged for me to speak the truth. I wondered why he had begged me, I had already told them no. They all doubted me.
"Yes, that's right, he didn't attack me." The words seemed to slur from my mouth.
"Alright men, let 'im go."
"Wait! Before you do," Mr. Clate instructed, proceeding over to Gerard. I kept my watchful eye upon their actions as my Mother waltz over to me.
"Anne, what in heaven's name were you doing with that man? I told you to..." her words seemed to disappear as my thoughts ran away with what Mr. Clate was putting down Gerard's front pocket. Mr. Clate tried to hide the fact that he was placing money down his pocket. Gerard looked down as the crewmen guarded.
That emptiness that was inside of my was dusted away and a blanket of anger covered it. I felt ignorant, fooled, and most of all, betrayed.
My Mother began to carry me away and all I could do was stare at Mr. Clate and Gerard. Mr. Clate was speaking and Gerard was looking back at me, his eyes were filled with glimmering shame of the sunset.
*
At sat in front of the mirror in my room. I was confused, I had no idea of what happened. I had no one to trust; not even myself. I was in the depths of despair. I had risen myself so high for this man, I fell for lust, and I came crashing down. It felt wonderful to feel the heights of it all. For one moment my heart was lifted from the chains. I guessed I would be holding onto that moment for a very long time; it would be the thing that would get me through the rest of my days; whenever I felt like drowning, I could look back to that one moment and think of soring through the clouds.
I found myself writing on a blank piece of paper, hoping to capture that very moment amongst words.
Underneath the weeping willow. Beyond the vine, sunk so low. A trembling girl sat, sat as though she were to die, whilst watched her blood run dry. Drinking from the seams that tore
from the fading heart she once wore. Sitting in the moonlight's mist, dreaming of the days she too missed.
All along the creek, so lonely. Perched upon a log, so boldly, a broken boy that whimpered well. He sat, he sat in the dooms of hell.
Through the field of thorns so fine, that same girl, her heart no longer Divine. Wire coiled through her body, unable to move the will of her body. "Oh, why must this pain be held so dear?" she trembled. "Is there more to life than this fear?" she trembled.
I couldn't bare to write another word, it seemed as though I was pouring to much of my soul out onto the piece of paper. My eyes began to string with welling tears. I could still feel the lingering warmth of his touch; remembering how it felt to have his fingers laced with my very own. I didn't want to believe that he had planned this, I didn't want to believe he could betray me in that way. It just wasn't possible.
"You just can't resist a man like him, can you, Anne?" Mr. Clate's voice shot through, but didn't shock or surprise me. I heard his footsteps come closer and closer until I saw his reflection inside the cold mirror. "You are rather naive...No, you are not naive, more ignorant than naive, aren't you, Anne?" His cold fingers touched my shoulder, almost as though he was wrapping his harsh words around my neck and choking me. I didn't dare to speak a word, but I was too impulsive not to.
"Was this all planned out? Somewhat, like a circus act." His eyes glared back at me inside the mirror. It was as if his true side was fully appearing.
"Yes, it was. We are going to get married as soon as the shit dock tomorrow morning," he said, with a causal smirk. Through the look he gave me in the mirror, I knew he wasn't telling the truth. I stood up and turned to him.
"You're lying..." I said, darting at him.
"I'm not, talk to your Mother about it. It's all set for tomorrow." A leap of hope jumped through my body.
"No, Gerard...Mr. Way, you didn't plan for him to do that..." I paused and waited for him to answer, I knew it...I knew it wasn't true. My heart was racing with wanting to hear it wasn't true. "That wasn't planned, tell me!" I begged. His eyes wandered down my arm, to my hand and the my fingers.
"The ring," he almost spat. He turned to the table and to the empty box; the ring wasn't there. That hope quickly ran and was filled with sudden fear. "Where is the ring?!" he spat, snatching the empty box.
"Oh, it slipped as Mr. Way was...'attacking'...me," I said, hiding the twisted grin I wanted show so much.
"You're lying, where is the ring!?" his hot breathe ran down my neck.
"Its gone." His face was glowing red and I was growing with more and more fear.
"That ring is worth more than your body weight in gold!" he spat once again. "Where is it?! Tell me!" he demanded.
"I told you, its gone."
"You wretched girl!" he screamed, his face was so close I couldn't back away. His hand gripped onto my arm, his finger nails dug through the material of my dress and to my skin, almost cutting it.
"Funny that, a wretched girl marrying a horrid old man," I should have bit my tongue and ran inside my imagination. I could hear his chest rise and fall quickly, I could feel the anger seeping into his veins. Suddenly, the force of his free hand slapped and grazed against my cheek, almost knocking me back.
I stood back, holding the hot crimson pain that was spreading across my once soft cheek. My eyes slowly wandered over to him; he stood back. He no longer had that anger lingering in his eyes, he was now covered in regret. My cheek was still stinging and my eyes wanted to well up with tears, but I refused to let them do so. He took a deep breathe in and stood like a gentlemen; a gentlemen with the world in the palm of his hand.
"Your Mother..." he paused. "Your Mother and I will wait for you for supper." He swiftly left the room, leaving me to wallow in thoughts of escaping the horrible fate he had placed upon me.
Wire coiled through her body, unable to move the will of her body.
I held my hands as though he was holding, they trembled uncontrollably. I hated seeing the pale color of them, they shook and I couldn't stop them. They were as old as I was.
"It's hard to believe that was the very first time I had kissed a man," I said, still lingering inside the memory. My eyes wandered over to my Granddaughter, who was the same age I was when I had first met him. Her eyes darted as I looked at her. I knew she must have kissed a thousand young men before she turned seventeen; back then, it was impossible to find a young man and women who had kissed before they got married.
"What happened then? Did you stay with him?" I slightly chuckled and pushed my head further back into the pillow, hoping to sink in.
"The ship was set straight ahead, I was going in circles."
___
I felt his hands slowly slip away from me, as did his lips. It was extremely hard to understand what was happening and the feeling that was bubbling inside my stomach. My heart was pounding, my hands were shaking, and I didn't feel as though I was myself anymore.
He stood there, just staring back at me. I had no idea what he was thinking, how he felt or what he was going to say right at that moment. I didn't think there was anything to say. He slowly began to smile. I watched as his lips curled and curled until he began to grin, my lips smiled in confusion...Why was he grinning?
"'Why are you grinning so triumphantly?" I asked, still admiring ever aspect of his charming lips. He lifted his hand and wiped his thumb across my cheek, it felt like a feather brushing against my skin, tickling the nerves.
"You have charcoal on your cheek, well, not now..." My heart had suddenly dropped, there was a sense of something not being right, something wasn't how it was meant to be. Like someone screaming from a rooftop I hear a gasp. Both our attentions shot to the deck above.
My Mother stood there, looking down on us. "Help! That man is attacking my Daughter!" She screeched, the sound itself was good enough to ripped through my soul and tear out my heart. "Help! That man is attacking my Daughter!" She screeched again.
My eyes landed back upon his, his eyes darted. I took a step back, knowing that this moment will only come to me once and never again. I looked up once again but she was no longer there. Her presence was filled with the harsh sounds of pounding footsteps on the wooden planks of the deck. Each step reminded me of gun shots, shooting in every direction.
"Miss! Miss!" A man came running over. Gerard calmly took a step back, he stood as though he was watching from a far. "Are you alright? Men, hold that man!" A few other crewmen took hold of Gerard while the man in front of me stood in disbelief.
"I'm fine," I firmly said, draining all emotion from my body.
"Did this man attack you?" A cold chill ran down my spine as a familiar voice joined the tension in the air.
"No, Mr. Clate, he did not attack me," I said, watching as my Mother causally strolled over.
"Anne! Are you alright?" She exclaimed.
"Please, Mrs. Hay, I shall settle this," Mr. Clate told her. I felt cold, as though I was coming down with a fever. I just dreaded standing there not being able to look back at Gerard. Doubt crawled through my mind; wondering if Gerard even cared.
"He did not attack me, he merely pointed out...a bug...that was crawling on my cheek, he brushed it off before it had the chance to bite me," I said the first lie that came to my mind. I looked over to Gerard, who was hiding a smile.
"Is this true?" My Mother asked, looking back at Gerard.
"Yes," I answered. "It was one of those terrible bugs, that bite you and make your skin itchy, a, ah...a-"
"-It was a mosquito," Gerard added.
"A mosquito? In the middle of the ocean?" Mr Clate questioned.
"Well, you know third class people, they bring everything with them," Gerard answered.
"Enough of these fairy tales, arrest this man!" My Mother ordered.
"I'm sorry, 'mam, but your Daughter says he has done nothing wrong. He's done nothing wrong, right, Miss. Hays?" The crewmen asked. Everyone watched me and waited for the answer. My eyes dragged to Gerard's, he knew what the answer was, but begged for me to speak the truth. I wondered why he had begged me, I had already told them no. They all doubted me.
"Yes, that's right, he didn't attack me." The words seemed to slur from my mouth.
"Alright men, let 'im go."
"Wait! Before you do," Mr. Clate instructed, proceeding over to Gerard. I kept my watchful eye upon their actions as my Mother waltz over to me.
"Anne, what in heaven's name were you doing with that man? I told you to..." her words seemed to disappear as my thoughts ran away with what Mr. Clate was putting down Gerard's front pocket. Mr. Clate tried to hide the fact that he was placing money down his pocket. Gerard looked down as the crewmen guarded.
That emptiness that was inside of my was dusted away and a blanket of anger covered it. I felt ignorant, fooled, and most of all, betrayed.
My Mother began to carry me away and all I could do was stare at Mr. Clate and Gerard. Mr. Clate was speaking and Gerard was looking back at me, his eyes were filled with glimmering shame of the sunset.
*
At sat in front of the mirror in my room. I was confused, I had no idea of what happened. I had no one to trust; not even myself. I was in the depths of despair. I had risen myself so high for this man, I fell for lust, and I came crashing down. It felt wonderful to feel the heights of it all. For one moment my heart was lifted from the chains. I guessed I would be holding onto that moment for a very long time; it would be the thing that would get me through the rest of my days; whenever I felt like drowning, I could look back to that one moment and think of soring through the clouds.
I found myself writing on a blank piece of paper, hoping to capture that very moment amongst words.
Underneath the weeping willow. Beyond the vine, sunk so low. A trembling girl sat, sat as though she were to die, whilst watched her blood run dry. Drinking from the seams that tore
from the fading heart she once wore. Sitting in the moonlight's mist, dreaming of the days she too missed.
All along the creek, so lonely. Perched upon a log, so boldly, a broken boy that whimpered well. He sat, he sat in the dooms of hell.
Through the field of thorns so fine, that same girl, her heart no longer Divine. Wire coiled through her body, unable to move the will of her body. "Oh, why must this pain be held so dear?" she trembled. "Is there more to life than this fear?" she trembled.
I couldn't bare to write another word, it seemed as though I was pouring to much of my soul out onto the piece of paper. My eyes began to string with welling tears. I could still feel the lingering warmth of his touch; remembering how it felt to have his fingers laced with my very own. I didn't want to believe that he had planned this, I didn't want to believe he could betray me in that way. It just wasn't possible.
"You just can't resist a man like him, can you, Anne?" Mr. Clate's voice shot through, but didn't shock or surprise me. I heard his footsteps come closer and closer until I saw his reflection inside the cold mirror. "You are rather naive...No, you are not naive, more ignorant than naive, aren't you, Anne?" His cold fingers touched my shoulder, almost as though he was wrapping his harsh words around my neck and choking me. I didn't dare to speak a word, but I was too impulsive not to.
"Was this all planned out? Somewhat, like a circus act." His eyes glared back at me inside the mirror. It was as if his true side was fully appearing.
"Yes, it was. We are going to get married as soon as the shit dock tomorrow morning," he said, with a causal smirk. Through the look he gave me in the mirror, I knew he wasn't telling the truth. I stood up and turned to him.
"You're lying..." I said, darting at him.
"I'm not, talk to your Mother about it. It's all set for tomorrow." A leap of hope jumped through my body.
"No, Gerard...Mr. Way, you didn't plan for him to do that..." I paused and waited for him to answer, I knew it...I knew it wasn't true. My heart was racing with wanting to hear it wasn't true. "That wasn't planned, tell me!" I begged. His eyes wandered down my arm, to my hand and the my fingers.
"The ring," he almost spat. He turned to the table and to the empty box; the ring wasn't there. That hope quickly ran and was filled with sudden fear. "Where is the ring?!" he spat, snatching the empty box.
"Oh, it slipped as Mr. Way was...'attacking'...me," I said, hiding the twisted grin I wanted show so much.
"You're lying, where is the ring!?" his hot breathe ran down my neck.
"Its gone." His face was glowing red and I was growing with more and more fear.
"That ring is worth more than your body weight in gold!" he spat once again. "Where is it?! Tell me!" he demanded.
"I told you, its gone."
"You wretched girl!" he screamed, his face was so close I couldn't back away. His hand gripped onto my arm, his finger nails dug through the material of my dress and to my skin, almost cutting it.
"Funny that, a wretched girl marrying a horrid old man," I should have bit my tongue and ran inside my imagination. I could hear his chest rise and fall quickly, I could feel the anger seeping into his veins. Suddenly, the force of his free hand slapped and grazed against my cheek, almost knocking me back.
I stood back, holding the hot crimson pain that was spreading across my once soft cheek. My eyes slowly wandered over to him; he stood back. He no longer had that anger lingering in his eyes, he was now covered in regret. My cheek was still stinging and my eyes wanted to well up with tears, but I refused to let them do so. He took a deep breathe in and stood like a gentlemen; a gentlemen with the world in the palm of his hand.
"Your Mother..." he paused. "Your Mother and I will wait for you for supper." He swiftly left the room, leaving me to wallow in thoughts of escaping the horrible fate he had placed upon me.
Wire coiled through her body, unable to move the will of her body.