This Modern Love

Shaun and I were sitting on the parking curb in front of the elementary school. We were actually kind of tense. I still had some left over emotions from my conversation with Scotty. It turns out a fifteen minute walk didn’t help.

“Is Natalie back at home?” I asked, trying to break the ice. I didn’t really care where she was. I just needed a line to start a conversation.

Shaun started to laugh nervously, grinning that toothy grin.

“She’s moving to Missouri or something,” he answered, shrugging with a smile.

“Why?” I asked in shock, and maybe a large shred of happiness.

“Well,” he began, clearing his throat. “It turns out that her and her skating partner’s realtionship wasn’t so different from ours.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, completely confused.

“She led me to believe that they were just skating partners. They didn’t hang out outside of the skating rink and strictly talked about skating,” he explained, pausing for the dramatic effect. “That turned out to be a lod of horse crap,” he said , puffing his cheeks, and lightly clapping his hands.

“How did you find all that out?” I questioned with a dropped jaw.

“Around the second or third day we were up there, her skating partner, Charlie, showed up at Aunt Marsha’s door,” he said rather calmly.

“How did he know where you guys were? Did he follow you or something?!” I asked, my face just carved with disbelief.

“Apparently, she had been texting him from Mason’s phone, telling him that she wanted to go home, and that he needed to come and get her and that I was holdng her there against her will,” he answered, rasing and lowering his eyebrows as he continued his sentece. I guess he was still confused about what had happened.

“What a bitch,” I mumbled.

“Yeah, dude,” Shaun agreed, rubbing his eye. “They were freaking close as hell, man. They knew each other since they were like six. They trained in Colorado together when she lived there. And when her dad decided it was time to move, Charlie and his parents moved with them. I didn’t know they went that far back.”

“That’s insane,” I chuckled. I’m pretty sure Shaun would do the same for me. I would do the same for him in a heart eat.

“The guys sure did get a kick out of it. Louie even made popcorn,” Shaun grumbled, brushing off his knees. I noticed that about him. Ever since he and I kind of split up, every time I talked to him, he always had to fiddle with something. Anything that was close to him, he had to give it his full attention instead of looking at me when I talked.

“WHat happened when he just magiacally appeared there?”

“He just started accusing me of kidnap and being abusive. I was confused, and so was everybody else. I just stood there the whole time pointing at myself going, ‘Me?’ I was so lost,” he laughed.

“What did your uncle do?” Uncle Jack was not one who welcomed strangers into his house openly and let them verbally abuse his nephew.

“Threatned him with a shotgun and a good swift kick in the ass,“ Shaun answered with a nod.

“Good old Uncle Jack,” I laughed. “Sou, what about you and Natalie?”

“What about it?” he asked, missing the point.

I looked at him with my mouth twisted to the side, in hope that I wouldn’t have to spell it out for him.

“Oh!” he exclaimed. I could visably see the light bulb turn on inside his head. “You think I’m still with her after all of that?” he squeaked. “Oh, no. No. It’s over.”

I couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed. I never gotten a chance to smack Natalie upside that ugly head of hers.

“Did Marsha like her?” I asked, picking at my jeans. Marsha couldn’t hate anybody. She was so sweet. She didn’t even yell at Louie when he crashed her brand new Snow mobile into the lake. She didn’t stop Uncle Jack from getting a hold of him, though.

“You know Marsha,” Shaun said, squishing his mouth to the side. “She was nice to her. But she made sure your name was mentioned often, though. She wasn’t very happy with me telling you to stay.”

“Well duh,” I scoffed. “I’m the favorite.”

“Yeah, I know,” Shaun laughed. “They love you more than me! Marsha gave me a bag of clothes to give you. Uncle Jack sent you some knifes from his collection.”

“So I can youe them on you next time you piss me off?” I teased with a grin.

“That is exactly what he said you should do with them,” Shaun nodded with his large smile. “That’s seriously what he said. Word for word.”

“Well, I’ll remember to keep them close,” I assured him, patting his knee.

Shaun laughed nervously and his smile started to fade. He cleared his throat and hung his head.

“Dude, I feel like such an ass,” he admitted, brushing his hair back.

“Regret sleeping with her?” I guessed quietly. I was no fool. I knew that he slept with her after we had sex.

“I didn’t even sleep with her,” he said loudly, getting defensive. “All I ever did was kiss her. She’s the one who kept trying to get me to do stuff.”

“I don’t know if I believe you,” I mumbled.

“I swear to you that I never touched her like that,” he said sternly. “I wouldn’t.”

“Scared?” I stated for than asked.

“No. I just felt guilty,” he admitted with a wrinkled nose. “I couldn’t even kiss her right because,” he paused to swallow and clear his throat. When he didn’t resume talking, I decided to speak.

“Because?”

“Because I kept thinking of you,” he said quietly.

I knew that was going to be the answer. That was always the cliché boring but sweet answer. I wanted to believe him, but that line had been used so many times in movies and books. And each time the girl always fell right back into the boys arms without a second thought.

“I never saw you stop when she kissed you. I even saw you kiss her,” I reminded him.

“I tried to make it work between me and her. I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t making a mistake by going out with her in the first place,” he explained with furrowed brows, confused by his own words.

I opened my mouth to try to make a smartass remark, be he interrupted me.

“That made a lot more sense in my head,” he chuckled, rubbing his forehead. “I just want to say that I’m so sorry, Candace. I just wanted to make myself seem less of a jackass after I screwed myself over. I thought that trying to work with Natalie would make it look like that I had it together. That I could be happy without you. I didn’t really work out that great,” he sighed.

“You didn’t really care if you hurt my feelings or not,” I added, tossing a pebble across the street.

“I just wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, you know?” he said, folding his knees to his chest. “It’s not that I didn’t care that I hurt you. I did. I apologized for it every time I talked to you. It was something I had to do for myself. Everybody makes mistakes, Candace.”

“So are you done with this whole experimenting thing?” I asked rudely. I didn’t know what I wanted his answer to be. I didn’t want him to say no, because it would kill me to know that I had to go through this process all over again. But I didn’t want him to say because I didn’t want him to except me to just melt right into his arms.

“Yeah, I’m done with all that mess,” he answered. “I don’t want to waste anymore time that I could be spending with you,” he smiled.

I just raised my eyebrow at him, sinaling to him that I didn’t like that line at all.

“I’m not just going to jump right into your lap, Shaun,” I informed him.

He nodded a single nod and licked his lips.

“I know, I know,” he sighed. “I wasn’t really expecting you to. I just want to say that you can still be with Scotty for as long as want. You can rub it in my face and all that good stuff. Teach me a lesson! I don’t deserve--

“Overboard,” I hinted. He was trying too hard to get me to forgive him, which was killing the sincerity of his apology.

“Sorry,” he chuckled. “I just want you to realize how sorry I am. We don’t have to be together right now. I just want things to be like they used to be. I want to be able to talk to you without causing a fight. I want to be close to you again.”

I bit my bottom lip in thought. I had waited for him to tell all this for almost five months now. I wanted to be his best friend again, but I was afraid that I would go back on my word. That I would just immediately jump his bones and show him exactly how much I loved him. I was never very lustrous with Shaun like I was with Scotty. I remember Shaun saying that relationships were all about the physicality. I was jusy hoping that he wouldn’t want sex all the time now. In many ways, he was similar to the Eric from That 70’s Show.

“Do you ever stop and wonder if someone is following us with a camera?” I blurted out, tilting my head.

Shaun looked around for said camera. When he noticed that we were all alone, he turned back to me.

“What?” he asked, laughing with a very confused face.

“This really feels like we’re filming a Lifetime-teen movie,” I smiled.

“Tell me about it!” Shaun laughed. The face he made was so cute. He smiled as wide as his lips would let him, showing his beautiful pearly white teeth.

I missed that smile. I hadn’t seen it in a long time. It only reminded me how easy it would be to get it back. How simple it was to see him happy again. I wanted to run off with him. Just him and me on a small house on a beach, even though I hated the water. Or in a small cabin in the country. I wanted to already jump start a future with him, hoping that the simple, happy smile always was around.

“I really missed you,” I admitted quietly. Staring at the grin he wore.

“I missed you to,” he said, rubbing my back.

“What are your plans for the rest of the break?” I asked. I didn’t want to go to the beach again. Scotty would really hate me if I did that. I didn’t want to hurt him anymore than I already had.

“I want to get some sleep today,” he sighed. “But I don’t know. What are you doing the rest of the week?”

“A whole lot of nothing. I was just going to stay over at Mason’s or Joanna’s. My parents are still gone.”

“Well, if you want, we can finish putting up those pictures on my wall,” Shaun suggested. “Maybe take some new ones.”

“I would love that,” I grinned.

We had resumed our friendship. I was hoping that we could act as if he had never even dated Natalie, and I never dated Scotty. I hoped that it would play out like just yesterday we were locked in the closet at Mason’s party, and now we were pursuing what should have been. I knew I shouldn’t be rushing into Shaun’s arms like I was. But you only find true love once, and I had already shared my most important years with him, as he has done with me. I wasn’t afraid of Scotty’s reaction, since he knew what was going to happen. I couldn’t waste the precious time I had left to live with Shaun, living in this modern love.