Love in Theory and Practice: Chapters 1-13

Helsinki, Finland

As I tie the ribbon on the small package, I can’t help but smile. Ever since we got back from Los Angeles, I’ve been either a ray of sunshine or a storm cloud from hell. My moods have been so up and down, Ville has begun to ask if I’m bi-polar. If he knew more about pregnancy, my little surprise would have been ruined because he would have figured it out.

But despite his lack of knowledge about the reproductive process of the female body, he’s been incredibly sweet and supportive. I think he thinks I’m still stressed about school.

I went to the doctor just a week or so ago and they confirmed it. They also confirmed that I’m passed the point of my previous miscarriage and that with my lowered levels of prescription drug dosages, there is no reason I shouldn’t be able to carry full term.

Now that I’m more secure in my ability to actually carry the baby, I’m comfortable telling Ville. I really know that I should have leant on him for support sooner but it was something I had to learn.

Callie tells me I’m being unfair because I’ve suspected since late September/early October. But she doesn’t understand how it feels to lose. She doesn’t understand that I feel like I let Ville down last time by losing the baby.

I don’t think anyone understands that unless they’ve lost a child. Sure, I lost the chance to be a mom, but it was my lifestyle choices that cost Ville the opportunity to be a dad.

But now that I don’t take Valium or Xanax anymore, my body is in better condition.

I slip the card into the little envelope and stick it under the ribbon.

Ville’s family and my family will be arriving soon. We’re planning on having early dinner so that Ville, Jesse, Isak, Bo, Linde, Burton, Gas, Mige, their wives, and I can go see Avenged Sevenfold.

I’ve decorated the living room, prepared Ville’s favorite foods and arranged an extra special surprise for him.

We’d had time together this morning so we’d made breakfast together and had some time to snuggle by the fireplace.

He’s out with Jesse, Isak and Bo and the guys right now so I’m sure he knows I’m up to something but that’s all right. They don’t all take him out for without reason very often.

Around 12:00, I head for the car and drive into town. Traffic isn’t too bad because people are still at work. I arrive at the airport just in time.

“Elin!” Bam calls from across the terminal. I wave and make my way towards them. Callie is bundled up in what looks like 3 coats and a sweater. Bam is in a parka. I hug them both and quickly give the details of the day while we wait for their luggage.

When we’ve collected their bags, we head out into the cold November weather towards my car. I’d traded in my Audi for another Mercedes G55. It is yet another surprise for Ville. I did it secretly because he would know what it would mean.

Callie looks at me with a smile and winks when she sees the SUV.

“Did you get rid of the Audi?” Bam asks as he lifts the trunk hatch to put their bags in.

“I did. I had to have space so I could pick you and Callie up without making 2 trips.” I say and slide into the driver’s seat. Callie jumps in the passenger seat, leaving Bam with the back seat.

“Turn the heat on, woman!” Callie cries and I crank the heat and turn on the seat warmers, just for her.

I park the car in the garage and lead Callie and Bam into the house. These days everything makes me happy. The click of my heels on the path leading to the back door, the snow that’s beginning to gently fall to freshen what’s already accumulated, and the knowledge that Ville will soon be as happy as I am.

I unlock the back door and we all slip into the house. Ville should be arriving any moment now and I can tell that Bam is just as excited to surprise him as I am. They get their things up to the guest room and we settle into the living room just in time to hear Ville and the guys pulling up outside.

Bam and Callie pick seats in the living room; Mr. and Mrs. Valo along with my Papa find seats as well. The fire is warm and cheery. The guys come in the front door stomping the snow off their shoes on the mat.

Their voices are happy and I know Ville is having a good day. They come into the living room and Ville’s smile gets even wider.

“Oh Ville,” Bam says casually, “I didn’t see you there.” Bam gets up and they manage a manly hug.

It goes just like any other birthday gathering. We hang out together for a while before eating then sing happy birthday. I’d made Ville his favorite kind of cake and I wrote his name in light frosting on the top.

After our meal, we once again settle into the living room.

Bam pulls out a present after only 5 minutes and soon enough everyone has whipped a gift out of a hiding place. Some are large and some are wrapped in elaborate paper. He smiles, laughs, and says thank you for everything he receives. When they’ve all been unwrapped, everyone turns to me.

“Oh,” I say and pull out my small parcel. It is only wrapped in plain red paper with a white bow but his eyes light up and sparkle at me anyway. He takes his time, peeling up the corners and gently removing the tape.

When the small box is unwrapped, he looks at me, confused.

“Well,” I say and gesture to the box. “Open it.”

He must be confused because never in a million years would I purchase something from Lacoste for him but as the tiny shoes tumble into his hand, he understands.

“Oh Elin,” he says and reaches for me. He pulls me into his lap and hugs me tightly to his chest, almost the same way he had when I’d cried over the first baby. He buries his face in my neck and I can feel the warm tears.

“Kulta,” I say and bring his face up to mine. “You shouldn’t cry. The baby will do that for you.” He kisses me roughly

When Ville finally releases me, the rest of the group moves in to congratulate us. Anita, Kari and my Pappa all wrap me in warm, loving hugs. My father looks at me with tears in his eyes and I know he’s wishing my mom could be here.

Just about everyone cries a tear or two, even Bam, who claps Ville roughly in a hug that knocks the air out of Ville’s lungs for a moment. The band members all joke about the hardships of being fathers. But Ville takes it all in without seeming to take his eyes off me.

Because of the new talk of babies, we’re a little late getting to the venue to see Avenged. But because the guys know all the owners and employees, we manage to get a good spot anyway.

During the opening acts, Ville is protective of me. He has a good time, enjoying the music but his arm is always wrapped either loosely or tightly around my shoulders.

As the crowd begins to push in, in anticipation of Avenged Sevenfold, Ville’s grip gets tighter.

“She’s not going to run away, Ville.” Callie jokes.

“It’s not her I’m worried about.” He says and gestures to the crowd. I understand his desire to keep me close and safe. So I take advantage of his protective arms and snuggle in closer.

When he eventually releases me, Callie and I dance and sing along with the band and have a ball.

Everyone has a good time and enjoys the music. We all agree, however, that it is strange to see the guys from HIM on the opposite side of the stage. For me, though, it’s only Ville. For me, he’s my husband, my best friend, the father of my baby, but sometimes he sings on a stage.

Around midnight, we file out of the venue and split our separate ways to our separate vehicles. Everyone hugs Ville and me an extra time. My brothers both say they’re hugging me and then they’re hugging the baby.

As Ville and I snuggle in for the night, he is smiling like a fool. When he sees that I’m not smiling, he looks puzzled.

“Kulta,” I begin after he’s pulled the covers up around us. “I have to apologize for something.” He gives me the look that means he doesn’t know what to say but he is listening. “I’ve suspected about the baby for a while now and I should have told you long ago. But I was so scared it would happen again. I know that I can lean on you but I had to learn that for myself, the hard way.”

He pulls me in close to him and rests his cheek on the top of my head.

“How long have you known?” he asks. I sigh.

“I’ve suspected since late September.” I say, biting my lip. “But I didn’t know for sure until a few weeks ago.” He sighs deeply.

“You were waiting to pass the point of the first loss?” he asks.

“Yes,” I reply. “I didn’t even want to know of there was still that chance. Will you forgive me?”

“Of course I forgive you!” he says and pulls me so that he can look at my face. “But next time, we find out together, okay?” I just nod and he kisses me. “I love you.”

“And I love you.” I say and kiss him.

“And I love you, who ever you are.” He says to my belly after we pull apart.

We both fall asleep with our hands resting gently on top of my stomach as if to let our baby know how much we love it already.