Stories from the Back of His Motorcycle

“Do you want me to stay?”

I stared at the stray scratches on my front door, wondering if I did want Vaughn to stay for dinner. If introducing my brother to this boy would be a good idea, especially after just one day and one long night. There was an unfamiliar feeling settling in my stomach at the idea; the picture of us pretending to be some merged family. I didn’t want to lie to myself but I didn’t want Vaughn to leave me alone either.

His eyes burnt into the side of my face, the skin prickling under his intense stare. I felt void and empty but, under his watchful eyes, I was still okay. I was still coping.

“Please,” I murmured softly as Vaughn switched off the motorcycle’s rumbling engine. I shifted on my feet, breathing in the deep smell of sunshine and spring. With Vaughn beside me the weather was suddenly brighter, every shade of blue sparkled, every blade of grass bowed, every gust of warm air felt like an embrace. I hated how much I had missed him and how badly I needed him to stay with me.

Vaughn quickly passed me to reach the front door. I shook myself, trying to dissipate the aura of happiness from engulfing me and clouding my perception. Vaughn was still just a boy prone to making mistakes and being stupid. If I ever felt the urge to place bigger trust in him I only had to remind myself how impulsive this certain boy could be. But the sight of him waiting so patiently at my front door made my heart shudder and knees almost buckle. He looked at ease, as if he didn’t mind wasting his time with someone like me, as if he wanted to be there.

“Earth to Alice,” his voice echoed around my head, stirring up thoughts I wrestled with to contain. Vaughn made me both simultaneously relaxed and wary. It seemed my head and heart were warring with each other, for the first time in my life they weren’t in sync. Logic held no sway.

I moved towards him, avoiding eye contact, and fumbled with the key in my hands. As the lock rattled under my attack, hands rested lightly around my waist. I jumped in shock and peered at Vaughn who smirked dangerously. “What?” he whispered innocently.

“Hands.”

“Hands?” he asked, the pressure around my waist tightening slightly. I knocked him with my elbow but his body only moved closer to mine, arms fully circling me.

“Vaughn,” I hissed “let me go inside.” I tried to move the door open, after it had been successfully unlocked, but his grip held me in place. “I need to get on with dinner.”

“What are you going to make?” his breathe tickled my ear and I fought the urge to sigh. I didn’t have time to let Vaughn confuse me; I had to straighten up for the arrival of my brother and his fiancé. I had to work on my lies, had to hide away any imperfections, had to pretend that Mom was just upstairs sleeping.

“Why does that matter?”

“Because your release relies on how much I like it and how good you look in an apron.”

I scoffed and turned in his arms so that he could see my frown. “Act your age Vaughn.”

“I am,” his smirk widened “I’m an eighteen year old boy, what do you expect?”

I groaned and shoved his shoulder with my hand lightly, not really wanting him to let me go. I liked the sensation creeping from his grip and how it made me want to kiss him. My eyes darted down to his curved mouth. I leant further into him and allowed my lips to brush his slightly so the sensation shifted into shivers.

“Hey! Let go of her.” A deep voice shattered whatever world I’d carved for us and brought me startlingly back to my senses. Vaughn turned, one arm still secured around my waist, to take in the angry figure storming up the path. “Just who the hell do you think you are touching my sister like that?”

If it wasn’t for the comforting presence of Vaughn, I probably would have run from the furious expression on Ross’ face. It reminded me of times past when he had stood up for me against Joseph and his obsession with hair pulling, Nick and his frequent cursing, Fraser and his smug superiority. It had been the face he wore before he left, opposing our parents for the last time.

“Excuse me?” Vaughn’s eyes were narrowed to slits and his expression was no less terrifying.

“You heard me, get your hands off of her!”

“And if I don’t?” Vaughn took a small step forward so I was towed with him. It was tiny but no less threatening; his hands balled into fists were stark white. It was then that my mind was returned to me and I found my own feet carrying me between the two men.

“Calm down,” I said steadily, eyeing both of them and how their chests heaved with fury. Vaughn took another menacing step forward just as Ross’s teeth showed in a snarl. “Seriously,” I almost shouted “stop it!”

They both looked at me then with softened eyes. I felt my own burning face which was flushed with stress and shook my head. It seemed Vaughn was incapable of settling something verbally and I knew my brother fought first and asked questions later. I hadn’t thought this evening through at all.

“Ross?” El half ran up the gravelled path in shoes which were definitely not created for off tarmac walking. “Oh God Ross, you’re not fighting again are you? I heard shouting.”

I watched as she grabbed hold of my brother’s arm, how his face relaxed into something almost pleasant. I felt a stab of jealousy as if envious of whatever induced such affection. I couldn’t be jealous, though, of something I believed didn’t exist.

My eyes reluctantly turned to Vaughn who was still fuming and I briefly wondered if I could ever have the same effect on him. If a single touch of word could hold his undivided attention the way it did for this nauseating couple.

“Just what’s your problem Ross?” I turned my own angry eyes onto him.

“He shouldn’t be touching you like that.”

“Like what?” I scoffed and gestured dramatically to the arm still around my waist “like this? We weren’t making out or anything.”

“It didn’t look right Alice, he could be-.”

“And what right do you have getting angry over this anyway? So what if this is my boyfriend who I decided to kiss? I can do whatever the hell I want as I have for the last few years when you’ve been God knows where and I’ve been here to deal with all the shit you ran away from.” My furious rambling had me almost gasping for breath and biting my lip sharply. I didn’t get angry – I never got angry. I was non-confrontational by nature and avoided anything which would steer me into an argument.

There was a long silence which followed my words and I became aware of how the noisy woman next door was pruning her flowers suspiciously close to us. “Come inside,” my voice shook, unused to the angry pitches it had used.

I turned and followed my own instructions. My trembling hands found the kitchen’s door which I turned, the metal feeling sharp against my clammy skin. My stomach was full of knots solid enough to burn holes up my throat. I just wanted to keep walking through the house until I lost the following feet. Until I found Mom and Dad. Until everything started making sense again.

“I brought lasagne over,” El placed a plastic bag on the small table, flattening it out to reveal a large ceramic container. Her voice was powerful and happy, unnatural sounding after such harsh words had been exchanged. I wondered if she put it on, if she understood that only her lasagne could dissipate the heavy atmosphere we had created. Maybe she was used to the aftermath of Ross’ irrational anger - I certainly was.

Her manicured hands pulled off the lid so the room was filled with the thick stench of edible food. I wasn’t used to the smell. When Dad left he had taken all sense of normalcy with him and my meals had disintegrated into pre-heated tins and ice-cream. I found my hunger hot and unforgiving.

“Thanks,” I didn’t hesitate to set the table, enticed by the promise of a proper meal. “I would have cooked.”

“I know sweetie, that’s why I did. You do too much. You’re a seventeen year old girl for God’s sake who shouldn’t have to cook her own dinner and then eat it alone.” Even though it was slightly overbearing, her words made me smile.

“Thank you.”

We all sat. Vaughn stiffly lowered himself into the seat beside me, facing my brother, both of them occasionally flashing each other murderous glares. The tension in the air was still thick but breathable, El’s attempt to ignore it pulled me in. I had a feeling she did this often.

“So Alice,” she beamed as I shovelled a forkful of lasagne into my mouth “are you going to properly introduce us to your boyfriend?”

My muscles locked, my eyes suddenly wild. I had forgotten about my earlier slip of tongue when referring to Vaughn. He wasn’t my boyfriend, of that I was certain, although just what we were remained nameless. I dared a glance at him only to find an amused smirk present on his pale lips.

“Uh,” I struggled to find the right words “this is Vaughn Hart.”

El leant closer to beam magnificently at Vaughn, “well I hope you’re not usually so formal when introducing your boyfriend.”

“Yeah snookums,” he released a devious grin; eyes alight with laughter. “I thought you said you were comfortable enough with our relationship now to not use my last name.”

I spluttered on my mouthful and knew the heat burning in my cheeks had established a nasty blush. “What?”

Vaughn turned to El smoothly as if this happened all the time “she always gets nervous when mentioning the ‘B’ word. She still likes people to think we’re only dating.”

“I do not, Vaughn what the hell-.”

His eyes gleamed at me before cutting into my brother. “I guess it must be stemmed back from the unstable environment she lived in when younger.”

Ross’ fists flew towards Vaughn before I could even think to remove the precious lasagne from the table. Vaughn remained unfazed as he dodged the blow and stood up, the chair flying backwards from the force of his legs. El let out a strangled yelp as Ross’ unbalanced body crashed into the table and sent plates and food flying.

Unlike other times when fights had commenced before my eyes I was alight with the commotion. Before Vaughn could land the intended blow and Ross could recuperate himself to beat Vaughn to a bloody pulp, I released my own hand into Vaughn’s face. The slap echoed around the painfully tense room.

His words had cut deep, deeper than I wanted to let on. I had shared glimpses of my past with Vaughn under the impression that he could be trusted, that he could empathise, that he could make me better. Just hearing him throw the accusation towards my brother made me want to take back all I had said. I should have known putting trust into someone would just lead to regret.

The expression on Vaughn’s face made me want to cry. He looked bewildered and young – as if wondering how he’d ever got there. His cheek burnt red and my hand fell limply to my side but I still managed to maintain the anger. I was used to being cold; it was in my nature, so the facade wasn’t too hard.

“Alice,” he murmured softly, a tidal wave of sadness burning amid his eyes. The grey in them was so stark it looked like two moons were eclipsing his irises. “Alice, you know I didn’t mean it like that.”

“This isn’t your battle to fight Vaughn,” I seethed “I shared my past with you because I trusted you, don’t destroy that.”

El helped Ross up from the fractured remains of my dining table. “I think it’s best if you all left,” I turned my back on them, sick to the stomach at the sight of us trying to be anything other than a broken family of strangers.

“We’re so sorry Alice,” I heard El mumble. Her usual chirpy tone was dull and defeated. Despite myself, I felt a sharp stab of guilt at having wiped away any last hope of recovering the evening. At being the pessimistic one when her optimism was so encouraging.

I barely registered the broken table amid my kitchen, eyes scanning over it as if its physical presence only proved what I had already suspected. Maybe the table was sign that any hopes of rebuilding our family just weren’t realistic. Or maybe it was just a sign that my eldest brother certainly didn’t approve of whatever Vaughn and I were.

“Alice,” Vaughn still hadn’t left “just hear me out.”

I tried to walk past him but hands secured me in place. “Don’t even try,” I snapped.

“Okay, I should have just stayed out of your business, and okay I shouldn’t have teased you by saying we were boyfriend and girlfriend. But you can’t expect me to just sit there after all I know and let him eat lasagne calmly with you. You deserved better than being left alone with fucked up parents, and you still do. Just because he’s finally ready to accept blame for your Dad walking out doesn’t mean he has the right to act like a brother again.”

“Learn to control your temper Vaughn, one of these days it’s going to land you in big trouble.”

“It already has,” he sighed, his hot breath running through my hair.

I felt my resolve slowly melt but was still too upset to let him know. “Just leave Vaughn, before I call Ross back here to really kick your ass.”

The boy grinned as me and had swooped close before I could push him away. “Let him try Alice,” he murmured before softly kissing my temple. That was all it took to completely shatter whatever hard feelings I had managed to hold against him. Vaughn was just too addictive, his every touch left my skin scorched and mind blown. It was impossible to be simultaneously mad and content so I just settled with peeved.

“Don’t think you’re off the hook,” I poked a blunt fingernail lightly into his chest. He just smirked and secured an arm around my back. “And I already have your punishment in mind.”

I pulled back from his arms and managed an irritated smile of my own. “You see the floor covered in lasagne?” I gestured to the mess scattered by our feet “you can clean it all up.”

“By myself?” he quirked a dark eyebrow “without any kind of incentive? You’re crazy Alice.”

“You can gain my forgiveness,” I pointed out darkly.

He smirked, pulled out a cigarette from his pocket and laid it in his mouth. It didn’t take long for the floors to be cleaned and my kitchen to reek of smoke and Vaughn. I didn’t quite know if I liked the smell, or if I simply enjoyed the sight of Vaughn mopping up lasagne from the floor. Either way, I forgot about my troublesome family to just watch him puff away, a contagious smile never leaving my face.