Sequel: Attero Vicis ›
The Wasted Days.
Empty Inside, I’m Already Dead.
Curling up on the couch and watching TV was my new occupation. I waited patiently for Jared to come back from the kitchen so that I could dwell longer in my selfishness. Now I couldn’t deny that I wanted him around. I was going to destroy him, but right now I was too numb to care.
“Salem, what do you want?” He called out from the other room, but I stayed quiet and listened to the news report. Some storm passed through some town and killed a ton of people. My heart ached for them, but only for a second because my selfishness had to come back and remind me that I was right behind them. “Salem!” He yelled at me and I could see the side of his face as he leaned out from the doorway.
“What?”
“You need to eat.” He sighed and still I avoided his eyes.
What if I didn’t want to be selfish.
The aching started to come back and throb through my bones, leaving a disturbed mess behind it. It ran through me leaving destruction behind as it slowly killed me piece by piece. Like that storm. It was a cycle, I was learning, and it would never go away.
Jared must have noticed the change in my posture, as I slumped myself over, because he brought me a glass of water and two tiny pills. I took them quickly and waited, rather impatiently, for them to take effect. The couch next to me sunk in with his weight and his warm hand found me and started to rub circles.
I sighed and leaned into him.
What was that about being selfish?
I’ve already forgotten.
“I’m going to make you eat something.” Jared warned me in a warm whisper. I nodded, I was actually a little hungry.
He stood and I let myself fall backwards into the hard, uncomfortable couch as I watched him approach the kitchen. I closed my eyes and turned the volume down with the remote that always laid next to my head.
I watched as he walked back into the room with a small steaming bowl. I already knew what it was.
Soup.
Great.
I slowly sat up as he handed me the hot bowl and I slowly picked up the spoon to stir the noodles around. Chicken Noodle soup. I smiled knowing that he knew me too well. I picked out a noodle and wrangled it onto the spoon, which ushered it into my mouth.
I ate half of the small bowl before shoving it back at Jared. “Thank you.” He muttered as he walked it back into the kitchen.
Curious I yelled, “What for?”
He just smiled knowingly back at me before disappearing behind the door. My eyes lingered where he had stood, wondering what he meant. I hadn’t done a single thing for him in the last few days. Well, besides hurting him, that is.
My eyes fell back onto the TV as some infomercial started to play. There was a little child, he was bald and smiling and just looked so happy. ‘St. Jude’s Research Center’. I scoffed and went to change the channel, but I couldn’t press the button.
Something was keeping me from changing the channel. Something inside of me wanted to watch this. Somewhere in my subconscious I told myself that I was some sick masochist.
One of the stars supporting the center came up in front of a rainforest green background. I wasn’t listening. I could only watch the pictures flash on the screen. A small girl, crying. A teenage boy, bald and dying. Slowly, as they told his story, his form morphed into mine.
Turns out that one died.
I didn’t realize it when Jared had sat next to me again. I didn’t realize that he had pulled me onto his lap. I didn’t realize how tightly his arms were wrapped around me. I didn’t realize it when he was trying to wrestle the remote from my tightening grip. I didn’t notice when he didn’t win. I didn’t hear him when he whispered in my ear, telling me that I shouldn’t be watching this, that it would only hurt me more. I didn’t catch that he meant it was hurting him. I just didn’t feel.
I was frozen.
Suddenly something inside of me snapped and the remote was no longer inside of my curled fingers but it had been launched at the TV.
That’s when I felt Jared fly from beneath me. I didn’t watch as he inspected the TV, making sure I hadn’t damaged anything. I didn’t watch as he turned back around towards me and changed the channel. I didn’t notice the ‘I told you so’ look he was giving me.
“You should listen to me.” Jared whispered, coming back to the couch to curl up beside me. I reached up and pressed the back of my hand against my cheeks and wiped all of the tears from my face before concentrating on the new show. It was something brainless and all I could do was close my eyes and wonder.
What have I become?
~~~
“She’s just getting worse.” It was a breathy whisper but I could still detect the pain. “No.” He whispered in response to some question. “I know.” I reached out a little and realized that the rough material of the couch was no longer beneath me, but it was the soft sheets of my bed.
This place was becoming too familiar.
Familiar was becoming scary.
I sighed, rolling over to face Jared’s back. He must have felt me moving because he shut up almost instantly. He didn’t turn around to face me and I was slowly starting to feel ashamed.
I am so stupid.
No, I was stupid.
Now I’m just dead.
Everything around here moves so slow.
“Salem, what do you want?” He called out from the other room, but I stayed quiet and listened to the news report. Some storm passed through some town and killed a ton of people. My heart ached for them, but only for a second because my selfishness had to come back and remind me that I was right behind them. “Salem!” He yelled at me and I could see the side of his face as he leaned out from the doorway.
“What?”
“You need to eat.” He sighed and still I avoided his eyes.
What if I didn’t want to be selfish.
The aching started to come back and throb through my bones, leaving a disturbed mess behind it. It ran through me leaving destruction behind as it slowly killed me piece by piece. Like that storm. It was a cycle, I was learning, and it would never go away.
Jared must have noticed the change in my posture, as I slumped myself over, because he brought me a glass of water and two tiny pills. I took them quickly and waited, rather impatiently, for them to take effect. The couch next to me sunk in with his weight and his warm hand found me and started to rub circles.
I sighed and leaned into him.
What was that about being selfish?
I’ve already forgotten.
“I’m going to make you eat something.” Jared warned me in a warm whisper. I nodded, I was actually a little hungry.
He stood and I let myself fall backwards into the hard, uncomfortable couch as I watched him approach the kitchen. I closed my eyes and turned the volume down with the remote that always laid next to my head.
I watched as he walked back into the room with a small steaming bowl. I already knew what it was.
Soup.
Great.
I slowly sat up as he handed me the hot bowl and I slowly picked up the spoon to stir the noodles around. Chicken Noodle soup. I smiled knowing that he knew me too well. I picked out a noodle and wrangled it onto the spoon, which ushered it into my mouth.
I ate half of the small bowl before shoving it back at Jared. “Thank you.” He muttered as he walked it back into the kitchen.
Curious I yelled, “What for?”
He just smiled knowingly back at me before disappearing behind the door. My eyes lingered where he had stood, wondering what he meant. I hadn’t done a single thing for him in the last few days. Well, besides hurting him, that is.
My eyes fell back onto the TV as some infomercial started to play. There was a little child, he was bald and smiling and just looked so happy. ‘St. Jude’s Research Center’. I scoffed and went to change the channel, but I couldn’t press the button.
Something was keeping me from changing the channel. Something inside of me wanted to watch this. Somewhere in my subconscious I told myself that I was some sick masochist.
One of the stars supporting the center came up in front of a rainforest green background. I wasn’t listening. I could only watch the pictures flash on the screen. A small girl, crying. A teenage boy, bald and dying. Slowly, as they told his story, his form morphed into mine.
Turns out that one died.
I didn’t realize it when Jared had sat next to me again. I didn’t realize that he had pulled me onto his lap. I didn’t realize how tightly his arms were wrapped around me. I didn’t realize it when he was trying to wrestle the remote from my tightening grip. I didn’t notice when he didn’t win. I didn’t hear him when he whispered in my ear, telling me that I shouldn’t be watching this, that it would only hurt me more. I didn’t catch that he meant it was hurting him. I just didn’t feel.
I was frozen.
Suddenly something inside of me snapped and the remote was no longer inside of my curled fingers but it had been launched at the TV.
That’s when I felt Jared fly from beneath me. I didn’t watch as he inspected the TV, making sure I hadn’t damaged anything. I didn’t watch as he turned back around towards me and changed the channel. I didn’t notice the ‘I told you so’ look he was giving me.
“You should listen to me.” Jared whispered, coming back to the couch to curl up beside me. I reached up and pressed the back of my hand against my cheeks and wiped all of the tears from my face before concentrating on the new show. It was something brainless and all I could do was close my eyes and wonder.
What have I become?
~~~
“She’s just getting worse.” It was a breathy whisper but I could still detect the pain. “No.” He whispered in response to some question. “I know.” I reached out a little and realized that the rough material of the couch was no longer beneath me, but it was the soft sheets of my bed.
This place was becoming too familiar.
Familiar was becoming scary.
I sighed, rolling over to face Jared’s back. He must have felt me moving because he shut up almost instantly. He didn’t turn around to face me and I was slowly starting to feel ashamed.
I am so stupid.
No, I was stupid.
Now I’m just dead.
Everything around here moves so slow.