Don't Change The Way You Think Of Me

Today has been one of the most difficult days of my life. I was glared down by Matt on several occasions, but these glares are so different than the usual “I’m going to beat you down”. They’ve actually been more along the lines of “I told you Aaron’s game and you aren’t listening.” I mean, sure Aaron is touchy-feely but he's been like that for as long as I've known him.

It’s right after lunch and I’m in the restroom at school by myself. My lips are swollen and puffy and almost bruised. Sure after having sex for the first time my body was sore, but it feels like my lips are starting to equal that.

After looking into my eyes through the mirror, I decide to splash it with some cold water. Once my head is down and in the sink I faintly hear the door open and close. I don’t pay that any attention; I mean it’s a public restroom. Soon though, I feel heat radiating through my clothes and hitting my back. I look up and see Matt standing directly behind me.

His eyes were a little blood shot and hazy, as though he’d been drinking or something else illegal. I just stare at him as he stares at me. Then he cracks a deadly smile and I feel frozen in my spot.

“You know what I think about you short shit?” I just shake my head. “I think that you’re a dumb ass punk who doesn’t know what’s best for him.”

He moves closer and squashes me against the sink top. I feel him completely and I fight the basic urges that start to course through my veins. He grabs my hair and pulls me until I’m standing straight up but he doesn’t let go and tightens his grip.

“Ow, ow, ow!” I whimper a little.

“Aw poor baby. Does this hurt or does it make you feel good?” He smirks and his free hand wraps around my waist and all the fighting I tried starts to fail. My stomach tightens and I feel myself getting hard.

He laughs knowingly and his hand starts to undo my pants. As he slips his hand into my boxers and feels me, I groan. “I think you enjoy pain, that that’s why you keep coming back to me.” He starts to rub me between his thumb and forefinger, and for once my brain clicks and I try to break free.

“S-Stop it M-Matt,” stuttering is all I can get out verbally. He just smirks and rubs harder. “Wh-what if s-someone c-catches us?”

“I locked the door, sweetheart," he says sarcastically. "Don't worry.” He nibbles roughly on my neck right below my scalp. Shivers quake my body and his relentless hand rubs faster.

Suddenly though he turns me around and stares me dead in the eye. His hot eyes once clouded over by lust cool, and turn hard and cold again, devoid of the past emotion. His hand jerks out of my pants and I almost groan at the release. He seems to have realized what was going on and he looks at his hand.

It had a little bit of my pre cum on it. He wipes his hand on my face swiftly, as to shame me and then slaps me so hard I see stars. “If you ever tell anyone about this, especially Val… I will kill you.”

Then, he washed his hands quickly and left. I washed and prayed my hard on would fade away without the need of being taken care of.

~`~`~`~`

It’s been maybe a week since the incident at the movies and mere days since the restroom fiasco. I’ve done everything to avoid Matt but I feel another beating coming on. I guess it doesn’t help that Aaron is a PDA freak and I never get a chance to speak around him before my lips are attached to his.

Today I plan to talk with Val but I haven’t decided if it’s the right time to tell her. It’s Saturday and there will be absolutely no turning back once I tell her the truth. My heart’s pounding just thinking about how she’ll react.

I look at my phone and see a missed call from Aaron. Lately he’s been really clingy and trying to force me to have sex, but my mind just rebels against the idea of being with anyone but Matt now. I call back and quickly tell him that I have to hang out with Val. My parents are over at my cousin's and it’s just us two.

Zacky knocked on the door and it made me jump. I sigh and answer the door. He walks in saying, “You know, I’m really tired of all this crap about ‘now that you have good grades you might as well keep them up’ and then they tell me that I have to keep it up or they’ll take me off the team.” I follow him as he rambles into the kitchen and, dropping his backpack on the table, gose to the fridge and grabs one of my dad’s beers.

He sits at the table and pouts. “What are you talking about?” I ask.

“I’m talking ‘bout my parents threatening to take me off the baseball team if my grade drops even in the slightest.”

“Maybe they’re just saying that so you’ll be doing your hardest.”

“Oooooh no! They mean it.”

“Look.” I didn’t go on until he looked back up at me. “Even if your parents do mean it, they just want your grades to stay up. If it drops a little it will be okay, they’re just trying to push you to your fullest.”

“Well whatever, let’s get to work. Now that we’ve moved to pressures and crap I want to get this studying done so I can hang out with Matt. He’s been really agitated lately.” He looks at me. “Do you know what’s going on?”

“Why the fuck would I know?”

“I don’t know, he’s been really calm towards you and well…” He sighs and rakes his hand over his face. “Thursday Jimmy, Brian, Matt, and me hung out and even though them three got fucked up so bad that they didn’t going to school Friday, I was still sane and didn’t drink.” He paused so I could take it in.

“Yeah so…?”

“He… uh… he was talking about you.” My eye brows scrunched up. “I mean like, a lot. He talked about things that he’d never talked about before.”

“Like what?”

“Your eyes, face, hell, even your body. I didn’t talk to him about it yet but I am today and… are y’all… involved?” My eyes that had grown while he was telling me had grown wider at the bluntness of the question.

“No!”

“I wouldn’t ask but…” he looks down and something about him changes. He smirks but doesn’t look at me. “Johnny, he’s my best friend. I mean ever since he moved here we’ve been pretty tight.” Now he looks up at me. “But he never even talked about Val like he did ‘bout you Thursday. He was soft, yet cocky, like he knew things between you two that no one else does.”

I nod and look at him straight in the eyes. “Zacky, I’ve never done anything with Matt except get the shit beat out of me. I’ve avoided him but we all know that doesn’t last too long.”

“I know but lately he’s been slapping you… not punching you. Seward, he’s get really… really lenient with you. He’s trying to fight himself and it’s because he thinks Aaron is going to hurt you worse than anything he can do.” Before I could even think to say anything he held up his hands. “I know it’s none of my business who you date but I believe Matt in this.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Well he’s a man-whore Seward. A bisexual cheating ass hole who flirts with anything moving and a guy who I’ve seen go through a lot of girl, and boyfriends. I mean it’s your choice but I know Matt’s warned you.” He smirks and shakes his head. “I mean he told me Thursday.”

I smirk and lick my dry lips. “Thanks for the advice, Zack, but I’ve liked Aaron for a long time and I know how he is but I have friends in high and low places, okay? People spy on him, even though I don’t ask them to.”

Tapping him on the shoulder I take his book and open it. Time to change the subject. And now, more than ever, I want Zacky to leave.

Several hours later, which makes it about five, Val finally gets over. We talk about nothing in particular and she tells me about new shows I should be watching. I know I should just come clean, but the more we talk the more I can't find the courage to do it. It was a few hours later when we finally reach my bedroom and were sitting on my bed.

“So what’s the real reason I’m over here?”

“What?!” I say startled. “I have to have a reason to hang out with my best girlfriend.” I feel so incredibly guilty now that she’s caught me somehow.

“No but we usually never go to your room unless your parents want time alone down stairs to argue.”

“Yes well…” I gulp and she gives me a worried look.

“Is it Aaron? Did he hurt you?! I swear to—”

“No it’s not Aaron, well not really.” Interrupting Val was the only way to shut her up sometimes.

“Well…” she looks at me expectantly, “what is it?”

“IlikeMatt” I say really fast hoping she doesn’t catch it. But as usually, I’m wrong.

Her jaw drops and she gives me a look. “Wait my ex… well whatever we are? Wait of course him.” Then ever-so-calmly she stares me straight in the eye and asks, “Is that why you wanted us to break up?”

This time, my jaw drops and I a gap at her. “Why would you even think that Val?”

“You just told me you have a crush on my ex, and you have encouraged me to break it off. What should I think now?”

“Valery!” She starts to glare at me. Something in me starts to choke up. I reach out for her but she moves out of my grip. “I would never tell you to break up with him for my own sake.” I look away from her to hide my wimpy tears. “I told you to take a break from him so you could clear your head.”

A single tear washes down my cheek. “You weren’t happy anymore Val and it killed me to see you get depressed over him.” I hear her breath catching. Looking over at her I see that her eyes are getting watery too. This time she let me cup her cheek. “I hate him, and more than anything I hate myself. I mean do you think I want to be attracted to a guy who thinks beating the shit out of me is fun?”

She shakes her head and leans in to hug me as I finally break out in tears. “I mean m-maybe I’m a m-m-masochist af-after all.” She holds my head as if it were glass. “I mean Val, I love you more and I would never get in the way of your happiness.”

“I know Johnny. I guess I was just in shock to be finding out about this now that we just broke up.” She stroked my head.

“But that’s not all Val.” Pulling back, I wipe my tears and look at her. “I… I th-think he…” I swallow the huge gulp in my throat. “I think he likes me back.”

Her look of shock is what really concerns me. “WHAT?!”

I run through my school restroom story with her but pause before telling her about the night we had sex. She looks like she’s about to ask loads of questions but I cut her off. “There’s more.” She takes a breath and nods. “You remember how I told you about losing my virginity but I’d never told you who took it so you assumed it was Aaron?” She nods her head nervously. “It was actually at my cousins party and to a very drunk Matt Sanders.”

Now her eyes bugged out and she was holding her chest. “Details NOW!” I tell her all about it and from her look of horror I know I shouldn’t have told her the whole story. “He…” this time she swallowed the sudden lump in her throat. “Was it consensual?” I nod, she almost sighs in relief.

Then, before I can move she pulls me into a big hug. “Good because I would kick his ass then call the cops and report him.” I hug her back. Suddenly she pulls back. “And I also don’t have to kick your ass and break up our friendship because Matt and I weren’t together anymore.”

“If you had still been with him Val, I would have resisted the whole time.” She nods and hugs me again. “I think I’m happy for you but I think you should leave it alone.” We look at each other.

“Val, I’ve got Aaron, and he’s enough to handle without someone else messing with my head.” She smiles and we laugh. “So you don’t hate me?”

“I could never hate you buddy, just get really pissed. It would’ve probably been 10 times worse had you not said anything now and just waited.” Smirking we get up and go back down stairs right as my parents walked in.

My dad raises an eyebrow and points a finger at me. "You'd better thank God you're gay, because if you weren't, and Val was up in that room with you? You'd be dead right now."