Don't Change The Way You Think Of Me

I have to get away from him. There is no question about it, no denying it. I can't be around that kid anymore without questioning myself and going against my morals.

I couldn't even beat him up without turning around and making it up to him again. I couldn't control myself around Johnny, and that's what scares me the most. I used to take pride in beating him up every day, a smile on my face as I watched him limp away with a new black eye I had inflicted. Now, it's the opposite, and I can't be around him anymore if this is what it's all coming down to.

What if the bullying stemmed from deeper desires though? I sure as hell never fantasized about Johnny when I pummeled him. It didn't hurt me to see him lying on the ground, broken when the guys and I took turns.

I don't get it. And it bothers me something awful. People just don't change overnight for someone, do they?

No, they don't.

"Hey Matt, wait up!"

I turn back around in the school hallway, wondering who called out my name.

Zacky nods towards me, and falls into step with me as I continue walking to my locker.

"Hey, we haven't talked in a while."

"No, what's been up with you?"

Zacky shrugs. "Baseball, tutoring. All the important shit."

I shudder as he mentions his tutoring, only knowing who's behind it.

Zacky gets my vibe though. "Hey, something wrong, dude?"

"No, why?"

"You seem kinda... I don't know, distant. Wanna talk about it?"

"Nope."

Zacky pulls his head back a bit, shocked. "Whoa. Didn't see that one coming," he mutters under his breath.

"I heard that," I retort.

Suddenly, one of the two people I've vowed to avoid comes walking our way. The exaggerated swing to his hips, and excessive pout cause my teeth to grind together in irritation.

Yet I can't help to wonder where the other person is.

"Oh hey, Matt," Aaron grins devilishly. "Fancy seeing you here."

"Fuck off, fag. I don't want to look at you right now," I spit.

Zacky glares at Aaron as well, sticking up for me.

Aaron just chuckles. "Aren't you wondering where your little boy toy is?"

"He's not mine, he's yours."

He snorts. "Actually, not anymore. I hate to admit that he was the one that broke it off, but I think we all know why. He's in the bathroom if you want to meet up with him."

My blood starts to simmer as it courses through my veins, and I shove Aaron back just to show my dominance.

"I said fuck off."

Aaron just smirks, strutting off quite happily. He knows he got to me. That's all he wanted to do. I bet Johnny isn't even in the bathroom.

"What the heck was that about?" Zacky finally asks as we get to my locker.

"Nothing," I say.

"Oh please," Zacky scoffs. "You can't tell me that Aaron just coming up and talking to you like that in the middle of the hallway is normal."

"I said I don't want to talk about it."

"And you couldn't come up with half a good comeback like you used to. I mean, just repeating fuck off? That's kinda lame..."

It takes me a few times to successfully unlock my locker, with Zacky talking into my ear like that, and I slam the door open when I finally manage to click the lock.

"Zack, do you want me to fucking stuff you into this locker right now?"

"That's more like a comeback from the Matt I know."

I look at Zacky, shocked. "What the hell's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm just saying that you're not yourself lately. Even Brian and Jimmy are noticing. We just want to know if you're okay."

"I'm just fine," I growl. "You don't need to worry about me."

Suddenly, Johnny appears out of nowhere, walking by. I can't even force myself to narrow my eyes at him with the shame and guilt eating at me.

Johnny catches my gaze, and blushes, scurrying off quickly.

"You can't be serious, dude," Zacky finally says. "There is definitely something wrong with you."

I don't even bother to acknowledge Zacky at this point. Because if I do, he's only going to end up getting hurt.

I grab my bag and slam my locker shut, beating it out of school for the day. But Zacky is still hot on my tail.

Once we're alone on the sidewalk, I turn back to him, furious. "Dude, stop following me. Go home. I don't want to talk to you about anything. I'm so pissed at you right now."

Zacky stares back at me, shocked as though he didn't do anything wrong.

"Look, I didn't want to say anything before in school, but is there something going on between you and Johnny?"

My mouth falls open in shock, and the shame heats my face up in an instant. "What?"

Zacky raises an eyebrow. "So it is true."

"What's true?"

"I just thought something was strange between you two. At first you'd torture the kid, then just stop for a while, then do worse. It was just really weird, man. I knew there was something up. You used to live to humiliate that kid."

I stay silent after he finishes his little theory, not able to confirm or deny it.

"I just want for you to tell the truth man," Zacky sighs. "I honestly wouldn't care if you felt a bit... differently for him. Jimmy wouldn't either, he doesn't want to bother the kid anymore either. And Brian, well... Brian can go fuck himself if he turns on you."

I feel myself start to well up inside, and damn myself to hell for it. I feel like such a big baby right now. But it's one thing for you to question yourself. It's another for your best friend to point it out.

"I don't know what to think," I finally say. "Just... give me some time."

Zacky just nods, before turning away. "I get it."

"Hey," I call out after him desperately. "Please don't tell anyone."

Zacky shakes his head. "I won't. Promise."