You're My Addiction

“Wow, that’s a long time,” Val said. “Six months doesn’t sound so bad, but when you say half a year that sounds so much worse. When are you supposed to leave?”

They had sat both Val and Ellie down to tell them the news just a few moments ago. They didn’t spend any time trying to cushion the blow because both of the girls knew something was up the moment they asked them to take a seat on the couch. Val’s face looked like a mixture of anger and confusion while Ellie’s face remained emotionless.

“Uh,” Matt said as he rubbed the back of his neck. He knew this was going to be the hard part. He was trying to buy time to find the right way to say the words, but he realized there was no right way. “We kind of have to leave two days after the wedding.”

“I think you better call that manager up right now and say you’re coming a little later than expected,” Val said. Her voice was calm, but it was deadly. Zacky and Brian were glad they weren’t Matt at the moment because they knew it would have been a much better sign if Val was yelling at this point. “You better call him up right now or you may be leaving for tour on a day two days after no wedding occurs at all!”

No one else was speaking, but even so, a deadly silence settled over the room. Ellie gave a look that told Matt he better say something that saved his ass fast.

“Val, you didn’t wait to hear everything yet,” Matt replied, stammering over his words. “I know this isn’t the way you would volunteer the time after just getting married, but I thought you could, uh, come on tour with us. You know, it would be just like old times. I promise I’ll make it up to you when the tour is over. I’ll take you to a tropical destination of your choosing for two weeks.”

“Well, in that case,” Val said, contemplating his offer. Matt looked like he was holding in his breath. “I guess I can deal with that. As long as I don’t get interrupted while I’m in the bathroom, I can deal with living in a tour bus. And we have to get a hotel room when we can. I’m not trying to do a repeat of five years ago.”

Matt let out a sigh of relief from saving his marriage, and they all laughed at what Val said. Since they were actually successful now, they didn’t have to slum on the road. It was then that Ellie felt a little bit like she was an outsider. The years that she was gone made themselves known as she was on the outside of a joke they were all familiar with. She sat back on the couch, not saying a word, silently contemplating how she felt about the fact that they were leaving her all by herself.

“Ellie?” Zacky asked, snapping her out of her thoughts. She clearly had been so engrossed in what was going on inside of her own head that she had missed the fact that they were even talking to her.

“I’m sorry,” she replied, blushing a little. She cleared her throat before speaking again. “What were you saying?”

“We were saying that you can come out and join us on tour whenever you want,” Matt answered this time. “I know your schedule with work is different all the time, but you can come and go whenever you want.”

“I don’t think that would really work,” Ellie said. Zacky and Matt looked a little bit put out by her immediate refusal, and it made her feel bad for sounding a little bit mean. “I mean, I just started working there less than a year ago. I’m trying to build a good standing with all of the older nurses, so taking more than a day off at a time right now might be looked down upon a little bit.”

She wasn’t really lying, but she wasn’t exactly telling the truth either. She was trying to gain a good reputation at work in order to receive higher positions in the future, but she was sure they wouldn’t mind if she took two or three vacation days. Other than that, Ellie knew the rock star life was not for her. She was just getting settled into a normal life with a normal routine in California, and she wasn’t really attracted to living in an overcrowded tour bus for a couple of days. Don’t get her wrong, though, she was really upset that they were leaving.

“Oh,” Zacky said, still looking a little bit hurt.

“It’s okay,” Matt said, glaring at Zacky. “We understand that work is important right now. Plus, I’m sure that the months will fly by if you’re working hard. And look on the bright side, once we come home, we’re going to be home for awhile since we’re going to start recording. We’ll be here even longer than we were for this break.”

“And I probably won’t be gone for the whole six months!” Val said, trying to make her feel a little bit better. The last time the boys went on tour, they had been each other’s support system to get through the month. “I’ll be back and forth every once in awhile, so you won’t be totally alone!”

“Don’t worry; I’ll be able to handle myself. I am a big girl after all,” Ellie said. She really didn’t know why everyone always felt they had to look out for her. Matt gave her a skeptical look. “Trust me, I’ll be fine. Does anyone want anything from the kitchen? I’m going to go get a glass of water.”

Everyone shook their heads no, so Ellie shrugged her shoulders and got off of the couch to make her way into the kitchen. She needed to get out from under the scrutinizing gazes of everyone. She hated when people tried to analyze how she was actually feeling.

She got herself the glass of water she wanted, but there was no way in hell that she wanted to go sit back in the living room. She wanted to be by herself for a little bit, so she decided to go sit out back for a little while. Lately it had been a nice temperature during the day, not too hot, but it could get pretty chilly at night, so Ellie grabbed one of Zacky’s hoodies that was sitting on the back of one of the dining room chairs.

Ellie sat on the top of a picnic table they had in the backyard, and quickly put the hoodie on since she definitely needed it. It smelled just like him, and it comforted her a little bit. Each of the guys had their own smell, and she could easily distinguish them from each other. No one’s smell compared to Brian’s though. She had always loved his the best, and, at the right times, it could even make her knees weak.

She put her feet on the seat and her water on the table as well, and she took a deep breath as she looked at the stars in the night sky. It was cold enough to watch her breath float above her head. It was pretty cold out, but Ellie thought it felt refreshing. It made all of her social anxieties clear away immediately.

She heard the door open and close behind her, but she didn’t even bother to look over her shoulder because she already knew who it was. It was Brian. They had been silly and avoiding each other for a good while now, but they couldn’t do that forever. They had to make things normal again.

“Hey,” he said cautiously as he walked around to the side of the table she was sitting on. “Do you mind if I sit here with you for awhile?”

“No, go ahead,” Ellie said, being extra cautious that she didn’t sound like she was being cold towards him at all. Sometimes people can sound rude without even noticing it. She moved her glass of water so he could take a seat next to her. She gave him a small smile and he sighed as he looked up at the sky, the same way she was just a few moments ago.

“Since when did things get so complicated?” Brian asked. “Remember when all we used to have to worry about was school? Now, it seems like every day there’s a thousand different things that need to be taken care of.”

“I know,” she replied quietly. “Sometimes it just seems like things get harder and harder everyday rather than easier or staying the same. You never used to believe me when I said life was hard.”

“I didn’t,” he agreed as he looked at her. He was studying her carefully and it made her uncomfortable. “But then I grew up. When you go out on the road though, you leave most of those problems behind. The only thing you have to worry about is getting to your next show in time. Well, now that’s how it is anyway. When we first started out we wondered every day if we had enough money to survive.”

“So you like going away then?” she asked. Ellie wouldn’t have assumed any different since a big part of being in a band was touring and playing shows.

“Most of the time, I do,” Brian agreed. He was still looking at her, and she wished he would look away. “It starts to wear on you after awhile, though. Everyone starts fighting, the tour bus gets cramped. I still love it, but the older you get, the harder it is to leave home. Short tours aren’t that hard, but this one? I wouldn’t have minded if we all had agreed not to go.”

“It’s going to be weird without anyone here, but I figured everything was going to change soon anyway,” Ellie said. “Matt is getting married, so I guessing him and Val don’t want to live their newlywed life in a house with me and their two friends.”

“I never thought of that, but you’re definitely right,” he said. He looked back up at the sky. This was the way she liked it, with them not looking at each other but enjoying their presence nonetheless. “Are you going to be okay with us gone?”

“It’s going to be a little bit lonely, but I’ve always been able to handle myself. Plus, my mom and dad aren’t too far away. I had Val last time, so it’s going to be hard sometimes and even more so since it’s for six months instead of one. But, who am I kidding anyway; I was always a loner.”

She felt really sad all of a sudden and the prickle of tears started to burn at the back of her eyes. Ellie hated her emotions and how they always betrayed her.

Brian went back to studying her again when he heard Ellie let out a raggedy sigh. He knew that sigh because he had heard it many times before. It was what she always did right before she was about to get upset. He knew she was lying to herself when she said she was going to be fine. Ellie may have classified herself as a loner, but he knew that deep down, she was just really really lonely. This was, of course, partly his fault, too, but he already knew that he had caused the majority of her problems.

Ellie was responsible and hard working, but deep down there was still a part of her that needed the caring that a little girl did. Maybe that was why everyone always tried to look out for her so much. As he watched her sitting there, looking so small in Zacky’s hoodie that was way too big for her, she looked so lost and so shattered that it broke Brian’s heart. He wanted to make everything okay between them once and for all. He knew, though, that she wasn’t going to let him do that. She liked to forget all of her painful emotions rather than fix them.

“Ellie?” he asked. She looked him straight in the eyes and the sadness mirrored in them made him feel even worse, if that was possible. Behind the sadness, though, he felt the same connection with her that had been there years ago. It was that feeling he had never been able to find with anyone else because, the truth was, there was no girl who could ever compare to her. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” she asked curiously. Brian wanted to tell her he was sorry for everything, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

“I’m sorry that we’re leaving you alone for so long.”

Ellie started to open her mouth to say something, and he knew she was going to calm his irrational guilt because it was what she always did. But, she never did get to say anything because her cell phone started ringing. She took the phone out of the pocket of her jeans and looked at the caller id, making a face. She hesitantly answered, and her face dropped with sadness. It was a different kind of sadness than when she looked at him though. No, it was the kind of sadness you got from making someone else sad. Brian knew because he had been feeling it all of the time lately.

“I have to take this,” Ellie said as she got up off of the table. “I’ll see you back inside.”

“Is everything all right?” he asked. He was concerned that something bad had happened from the way her face had displayed her emotions so openly. She shook her head no, though, reassuring him that everything was fine.

Ellie left Brian sitting there as she entered back into the house. Everyone had seemed to make their way upstairs since the living room and kitchen were empty, and Ellie was grateful. She wanted to have her conversation in private.

She brought the phone back up to her ear and took a deep breath before speaking.

“Hello, Chris.”