I See You Lying Next To Me

Lying on my bed I was exhausted but couldn’t rest or settle or sleep so I went over to my laptop and switched it on. I hardly ever used it, just now and again for the odd email. If I used a computer it was always the one downstairs, the one in the back room where I conducted the gallery business, just typing a few letters and some emails. I’d bought this laptop and hardly ever used it, not like Dan, he was always stuck in front of his, he was so antisocial when we were together of an evening at his, he’d always be stuck in front of the laptop over the other side of the room while I watched TV, god knows what he did on there.

I remembered again as memories of Gerard and our time were never far from my mind the evenings we spent together, we were totally in sync with each other. Whatever he wanted to watch on TV then so did I and vice versa. If he was reading his comic I’d be stuck into a book and if he was drawing then I was painting.

I decided to take my laptop into bed with me and look at it there. I felt chilly and shocked; shocked for the state that Dan was in when I’d visited him earlier that day.

**

The room was quiet and he was laying in the hospital bed, everything in the room was white apart from his mother who was sitting there in a bright yellow suit, her nails immaculate and I was sure, knowing her that she’d probably had them specially manicured just to visit her son in hospital, for that was what she was like.

She was kind of sobbing; over-the-top sobbing and Mel went straight over to her while I was rooted to the spot just taking everything in.

“Hi,” said Dan looking at me. I wish he wouldn’t look at me like that, like he was so glad to see me for I couldn’t return that sort of look to him, ever. He always had some kind of desperate look on his face as though I was going to tell him that I was leaving him or something, well, I was, that was, yesterday I was.

Now, I wasn’t so sure.

I felt guilty.

Guilty for ever having got with him in the first place because my mind was with someone else and guilty because my mind had always been with someone else, ever since and guilty, so guilty now because I’d slept with that someone else.

Gerard.

“Hi,” I replied but I couldn’t move still. I didn’t want to go to him, I felt as though I was going to throw up, the smell of the place was awful, such a distinct hospital smell that had always turned my stomach and it reminded me of the rehabilitation place I’d been in, that had smelt like that too.

“Oh Kitty,” said his mother, “Dan has just had the news that he’ll be paralysed, oh my god what is he going to do?” she said wailing at Dan and grabbing his hand with those perfectly manicured nails.

I hated The Dragon and always would, she was so dramatic and over the top and I could have just gone over to her then and throttled her.

“Its OK,” said Mel hugging her. Where was my hug? Oh, I’d forgotten Mel had never ever hugged me, never showed me any affection so why would she start now? The only person ever to have shown me anything was…

“Kitty,” said Dan, “come here, sit by me,” he said.

I didn’t want to but I went anyway.

His face was covered in bruises and it turned my stomach and I couldn’t look at his legs, those legs that would never walk, run or do anything ever again.

“I’m sorry,” I said and I was, sorry for betraying him and for not being the person that he thought I was, not sorry for his accident really.

“Its OK, it’ll be OK, I’ll come to terms with it, we’ll be fine won’t we Kitty?” he said, his eyes pleading.

“Yeah.” I simply said because I didn’t know what else to say.

Some nurses and a doctor came in just then to talk to us, telling us that he’d need constant care for a few months, physiotherapy and some counselling. The house he lived in would probably be have to adapted to cater for a wheelchair and he would need lots of love and attention but they were sure he’d get it from us.

“That’s settled, you’re coming home to live with me,” said The Dragon. Kitty can come and see you after work, she can stay with us and when you get married we’ll find a suitable house for you both, won’t we Kitty?” she said glaring at me. Her face looked different and I could have sworn she had more wrinkles than that the other day. She’s had something done I thought. She’s had a face lift, no wonder I haven’t seen her for a couple of weeks.

I hated her.

I hated everything about her.

“Yeah,” I managed to muster.

We didn’t stay long because Dan had tired and I said I’d come back the next day. Was this how it was going to be? Daily hospital visits, visiting him at his mothers and what did she mean a suitable house. I had a home; my gallery apartment and I didn’t want to leave it.

On the way home Mel spoke to me and actually she surprised me.

“Are you OK?” she said, “you’re very quiet.”

“Its…its just a shock, that’s all,” I said glancing out of the window, tears filling my eyes. I couldn’t see anything through them but I didn’t want her to see I was upset.

“I’m sorry for you, you have a long road ahead of you looking after him and it’s not fair, you’re so young.”

How come she was being so nice? I thought.

“I saw Gerard the other day,” she said causing my heart to stop. She’d brought his name up. “He was coming out of your gallery and said ‘hi’ to me then I saw him on that awards thing the other evening. He’s done well for himself.” She said.

“Yeah, he has.” I said.

“Did you get to see him?” She asked.

“I did.” I said but didn’t want to give her any more information.

“I know you probably don’t want to talk about him but…I kind of regret how I was with the both of you.”

“Really?” I said glancing at her. She had her eyes fixed on the road so couldn’t look back at me.

“Yes, I was a little rude and thought he wouldn’t have been any good for you. He made a success of everything and proved me wrong.” She said. “You have to remember Kitty you were only 16 when you got together with him, you were my responsibility and I was scared for you but over the years I realised you and he were…good for each other that was until you both got involved in those substances,” she said not really wanting to mention them at all.

“Its OK Mel, you can say it. I’m an alcoholic and I took drugs for a while but now I’m clean…he’s clean and we’ve come through it.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m proud of you, you know, all you’ve achieved but this with Dan, it’ll be so hard you know but I’ll help where I can, any arrangements for the wedding, house hunting, anything, just call me,” she said.

I knew she was being sincere but I didn’t want to hear any of it I didn’t want to arrange a wedding to Dan, or house buy with him I wanted to run away to Gerard where I knew I’d get loved in return but that wouldn’t be happening.

“Thanks,” I just said as we pulled up outside of the gallery. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said. I didn’t want to see her tomorrow but I knew I would because she said she’d take me to the hospital again.

**

The laptop pinged into life and I decided to do what I hadn’t done since we’d split up, find out everything about him, as much as I could.

I was ready.

There was so much about them and I saw how much they were loved by their fans. I couldn’t believe how popular they were. There were thousands of photographs of him, one in particular caught my eye, back from the early days where his hair was long and black and his face was covered in white make up. I reached out and touched the photograph, remembering his skin against my fingertips…



…my phone bleeped indicating that a text message had come through.

Gerard.

Kitty, I miss you already, arrived safely in LA but you should be here with me. You’d love it, it’s a place we always wanted to go to together, remember? Come out soon. I love you so much xx

Oh Gerard, I can’t do this; I can’t be with Dan and you at the same time that is wrong. Dan needs me at the moment.

Staring at the computer screen of him with his face painted took me back to when we made love after his concerts and afterwards my body would be covered in bits of white paint where his face had rubbed against my skin, we used to laugh about it, the fact that he had painted my body with his face.

I couldn’t ever imagine being that open with anyone else but Gerard he was such a great guy, I was sure he’d understand my situation.

But how to do it? I couldn’t send him a text message and talking to him over the phone felt wrong

I decided I’d write to him; write him about what was going on in my life. He was so understanding I knew it was the right thing to do.

I’d write tonight, he’d have the letter in a couple of days.

Closing the laptop, my phoned bleeped again.

Gerard again.

Forgot to mention, isn’t it great about Liz and Bob, I knew it, they’re right for each other. Love you still. G. xx

I’d been so caught up in all my problems I still hadn’t got to talk to Liz about her time with Bob; obviously it had been a success. I’ll make a point of talking to her tomorrow and I’ll tell her about my decision.

I turned off my phone then without replying to Gerard’s texts. Yawning widely I decided it was time to get some sleep remembering my passionate night with Gerard and then thinking about Dan. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d even slept with him.

I was sure that everything was going to be OK, I’d get Dan settled, make sure he was OK and then I’d get back with Gerard.

Yeah, everything would be OK, I was sure of it.