I See You Lying Next To Me

It was 4am when I finally turned out the light. I’d written a letter to Gerard and had explained everything and knowing Gerard I was positive that he would understand. I could remember the letter word for word as I’d changed it over a few times. I felt better now and felt much easier about the whole situation knowing that Gerard would finally know what I’d been up to after we’d split up and how I’d come to be with Dan and the reason why I needed to stay with Dan, well, just for a while anyway.

I fell into a deep sleep, remembering the words in my letter to Gerard.

Dear Gerard

This feels weird writing to you again. Remember when I used to leave you little notes in your bag for when we weren’t together, when you were on tour and I couldn’t get away from work? Remember that time you were doing some important interview and you reached into your bag to get out your pack of cigarettes and one of my notes fell out, the interviewer picked it up accidentally. You blushed and she blushed because she had seen what was written there? I’m sorry.

Gerard what I have to tell you may come as a shock but I’ve got to just come out with it and tell you.

I’m engaged. I’m engaged to a guy called Dan who works with Ted. That’s how I met him, through Ted. Dan had been trying to get me to go out on a date with him for absolutely ages and I hadn’t wanted to go because I still thought of you. Finally I gave in, quite sure that you’d moved on with your life.

Anyway, I know I said I wanted to get back together with you the other day but after you left after our boat trip I had a devastating phone call saying that there had been a terrible accident and that Dan will be paralysed so he needs me to be with him and that’s what I’m going to do Gerard. I’m going to stay with Dan.

I’m sorry, but I’m sure you’ll understand and knowing you like I’ve always known you, you will understand.

Sorry.

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But I love you so much Gerard and the reason I need to stay with Dan for a while is because I care for him, he’s a good guy and doesn’t deserve for me to walk out on him straight after he’s been dealt this blow.

I don’t love him Gerard, I never have loved him because I’ve always wanted to get back with you, for all those years that’s all I’ve ever wanted even though I tried to fight it thinking that we were bad for each other and I still blame myself for what happened to you with the drink and drugs.

What I’m asking for you to do is to wait for me, just for a few months until Dan has recovered his strength to take care of himself and for me to pluck up the courage to tell him.

I’m sorry I’ve written to you but I didn’t want to chat over the phone in case it came out all wrong. This way, you can understand my feelings; can read them over and over as often as you like.

Call me up if you want in a couple of days when you’ve digested all this information.

If I don’t hear from you at all then I take it that you can’t or won’t wait for me and eventually I’ll have to live with your decision.

I love you Gerard, I don’t know what else to tell you, just that.

Love you forever

And then I’d signed it with my usual flouncy letter ‘K’ that I usually put on letters. I’d put the letter into an envelope, wrote the address on it that he’d given me, stuck on a stamp and left the letter on my bedside, ready to mail the next day.

I was sure Gerard would understand.

**

I’d slept in once more I thought as I glanced over at the letter sitting on my bedside table waiting to be mailed. I wanted rid of it suddenly and I knew that I didn’t want to speak to Gerard until he’d received the letter. If I posted it today I knew he’d have it tomorrow and hopefully he’d call up and tell me he understood everything.

“Kitty!” shouted a voice from downstairs.

“Its OK Liz, I’m awake,” I shouted back to her. “What is it? I’m getting up now, I can be dressed and downstairs in twenty minutes,” I said stretching out my limbs and groaning.

“There’s a phone call down here, its Gerard,” she said.

My stomach sank and flipped at the same time. Gerard was on the phone but I didn’t want to talk to him.

“Liz tell him I’m not here,” I said.

“What?” she said. I could hear her standing outside the bedroom door now. She knocked on the door but came straight in anyway, her hand over the mouthpiece of the phone so that Gerard couldn’t hear our conversation.

”I said tell him I’m not here,” I said getting slightly impatient.

She frowned then spoke into the phone.

“Gerard she must have gone out without me realising,” said Liz who was giving me a filthy look because I was making her tell a lie. “I’ll get her to call you when she comes in, that OK?” she said. “I’ll let her know, how’s Bob?” she said a smile emerging across her face. I must talk to her about Bob; I wanted to know what the situation is with her and him I thought to myself.

“That’s great. Take care Gerard, bye,” she said.

“What the fuck are you playing at?” she spat at me after she’d ended her call.

”I…I don’t want to speak to him right now,” I said, ashamed suddenly. “I’ve written him a letter, explaining.”

“Explaining what?” said Liz coming into the room.

“Explaining about Dan,” I said glancing away from her.

“Oh. You finally came to your senses,” she said.

I sighed, a feeling of a headache brewing.

“Yes but I feel awful for Dan, he needs me here for a while longer, just to get him settled and when he’s strong enough I’ll tell him all about me and Gerard.” I said, confident because I felt finally that everything was going to be OK.

“Why don’t you just call him up and tell him?” said Liz.

“I don’t know why Liz,” I said swinging my legs out of the bed. “I just feel its better this way, he’ll get the letter tomorrow and then we can speak a little more openly about it. I can’t speak to him before then.”

“That’s OK, but won’t he expect to hear from you sometime today?” She said looking at me but then a knowing look came over her face. “But you want me to stall him, that it?” she said.

“Do you mind? It’s just for today and I’ll probably visit Dan at the hospital anyway.”

“OK,” said Liz, sighing. “But get your butt out of that bed, you need to get to the suppliers at some point too, I’m not doing everything round here again today,” she said shaking her head at me.

“I know, you’ve been great and… you need to tell me about Bob,” I said.

“I’ll tell you at lunchtime,” said Liz. “How about when you get back from the suppliers and before you go to Dan we get us some pizza and sit in the back room, like we used to do together and I’ll tell you all about him,” she said. Her eyes were sparkling and I knew she’d found love. I was so pleased for her, she deserved it and if she felt as I did over Gerard then I knew she’d be happy.

“It’s a date,” I said going to the bathroom.

**

“He’s called again,” said Liz as I came into the gallery with a couple of bags from the suppliers.

“What did you tell him?”

“I told him that I forgot to give you the earlier message from him and that you’d gone out to the suppliers and then was visiting a friend in hospital, he asked who but I said it was nobody that he knew. He’s sent you a few messages and called your mobile Kitty, he’s desperate to speak to you,” she said coming to take one of the bags from me then we both headed off to the room at the back.

“I’m desperate to speak to him too but as I’ve said, I don’t want to talk to him until he reads what I have to tell him. Please understand,” I said to her dumping the bag onto the table.

“I can’t see why you won’t speak to him,” said Liz.

But I didn’t answer, this was the way I was going to handle things and that was that.

“I’ve ordered pizza, it should be here in ten minutes,” said Liz putting things away in a cupboard.

But I still couldn’t speak, hopefully I was doing the right thing and suddenly I had a fleeting doubt about this whole thing. The letter was now mailed, I just wanted tomorrow to come round so that when Gerard called I’d be ready for him, ready to explain and answer any questions he had.

“I’m going to visit Bob next week,” said Liz going to the fridge and getting out some flavoured water.

“So, its serious then?” I said to her.

”I think so,” said Liz.

“Tell me all about it, I’ve been dying to find out. You’ve always liked him haven’t you?” I said sitting down at the table while she poured out the water.

“I think so, that first time I came out to see you, you remember he was an absolute madman, he was wild but gorgeous at the same time. He couldn’t look at me while he was talking,” she said coming down to the table to join me. Her eyes lit up as she spoke about him. Did mine light up like that when I spoke about Gerard?

“I thought it was because he didn’t like me but I later found out it was because he liked me he couldn’t look at me. As soon as I left you all after that weekend I knew I liked him but thought I didn’t stand a chance with him. He’s entirely different to me, totally.” She said, all dreamily.

“He’s not good around women,” I said to her. “He gets a little shy, its hard to explain, he either gets shy or he gets all stupid, like a cover up for his shyness.” I said remembering Bob and even the first time I met him he was shy with me, but after that he was the nicest guy, him and Ray were just a pair of lovelies, they’d do anything for you, anything at all and would be there like a shot if ever I’d needed them.

“So when you both went out the other night, did you and he talk?” I said.

”We talked for hours and he finally told me he’d regretted there not being something between us ages ago and that if he’d only said something, he said he’s wasted too much time. I went back to his hotel room,” said Liz then her face turned bright red.

“You’re blushing,” I said laughing at her. “It’s been ages since you blushed like that,” I said to her.

”Its been ages to have anything to blush about,” said Liz. “But we didn’t go the whole way, you know,” she said getting even redder, “I want to take things a little slower and so does he,” she said.

“Oh come off it, you should just have got in there and shagged his brains out, I bet he wanted to too,” I said.

“Kitty! Shut up will you,” said Liz. “I’m serious about him, it’s not like with the others.”

Then I felt awful.

“I’m sorry, I really want you to be happy,” I said as we heard the gallery door ping and a voice call out, “Pizza!”

**

The guys had been so busy adding the finishing touches to their album and now, after months of work it was finally finished but Eliza noticed that Gerard seemed distant today and she didn’t really know why. He kept going over to the corner of the studio to check his phone then would frown and come back and join the guys but Eliza knew his mind was elsewhere and she was quite sure she knew where it was.

With her.

Kitty.

“Excuse me,” said a voice and Eliza turned and saw a young girl come into the room. “Would you…would you be able to give this mail to the My Chem guys?” She said, shyly.

“Sure I will. I’ve not seen you here before, your first day?” said Eliza taking the mail from the young girl who looked about 12.

“Yeah, it is, Eddie said to give the mail direct to the guys but I know you’re a friend of there’s, I don’t really want to go in there,” she said looking like a scared rabbit.

”They won’t bite, they’re great guys,” said Eliza smiling at this girls innocence, “but its OK, I’ll make sure they get their mail,” she said.

“Thanks,” said the girl but she was gone out of the door before Eliza could respond.

Eliza flicked through the mail, a few brown envelopes, what looked like a postcard from someone or other, probably one of the technicians and then a letter in a cream coloured envelope with her writing on it.

Kitty’s writing.

What the fuck was she doing writing to Gerard?

Eliza couldn’t help herself. Glancing into the studio she noticed the guys were busy talking about something or other so she headed off to the ladies room taking the cream envelope with her. Locking herself away she gently prized open the letter and read it then she knew what she was going to have to do.

She took out the second page, folded it as small as she could get it then shoved it deep down into her bag. Looking into her bag she found a pen then at the bottom of the first page she wrote a ‘K’ in flouncy writing, just like Kittys. She put the letter back into the envelope, found a small stick of glue in her bag and stuck the envelope back down again.

When she went back into the room the guys were coming out of the studio, talking and laughing as usual.

She shoved the letter to the back of the pile.

”Hey, there’s some mail here for you guys,” she said and then handed the bundle to Ray who took the letters from Eliza then handed them out to his friends.