I See You Lying Next To Me

It was four in the morning and Gerard still hadn’t slept. He didn’t want to sleep because he knew he would only dream about Kitty.

With someone else.

In the time that they were apart he’d always hoped that she hadn’t met someone. She told him once that she couldn’t ever imagine being with anyone else other than him.

Well now she had and she was engaged to the guy.

I hate him thought Gerard because he’s now got Kitty and I haven’t.

I hate him for that.

This feeling he had was even worse than the time they’d split up and he’d had to watch her get driven off to some rehab place that her sister had booked her into because then there was always the hope that they’d back together and he’d held onto that hope for the past few years but now there was no hope because she was engaged to some other guy, she’ll probably marry him and have his children.

So there was now no hope for him.

He’d thrown up a few hours ago, he’d had a headache all day because of the letter, he couldn’t eat anything and had felt so ill he’d thrown up because he felt sick thinking of Kitty with someone else.

But then he’d been with someone else too, Eliza. But that was different, that was a one-night thing, never to be repeated he hoped whereas Kitty, Kitty had chosen this guy to be with, to be with for the rest of her life.

Gerard ran to the bathroom and put his head into the pan where he threw up once more.

**

He passed the wastepaper bin on his way out of the bathroom and in it the letter that Kitty had sent. Crumpled up into a ball. He reached in and got out the cream piece of paper, flattened it out on the bed and left it there. He lay back on the bed, reached for his pack of cigarettes and lighter and lit up.

At least he had his cigarettes.

The room phone rang and he just let it, the shrill ring unusually easy to ignore. He didn’t want to answer it because he knew who it would be, Mikey and he couldn’t be bothered to talk to him.

The phone stopped and he glanced quickly at the mini bar, tempted by what was inside but he knew once he had one drink then he wouldn’t be able to stop. He looked away. I’m not going to get into that again, it would be easy to, very easy but I’m not going to get that low again, ever, whatever shit I’m dealt in my life, I’m never going to take to the drink again.

There was a knock on the door but Gerard ignored it. Once again he knew it was Mikey.

The knocking kept on so Gerard sighed and dragged his legs off the bed, cigarette in his mouth and his eyes squinting. He went to the door and opened it, but only ajar.

“Hey bro, you OK?” said Mikey. He did look worried about him. The guys knew there was something wrong with him, had left him alone today but he also knew that they were concerned for him, Mikey especially. His brother always worried in case he got into that shit again but he wouldn’t do it, he couldn’t bear the look on his younger brother’s face if he did.

“I’m…OK,” said Gerard but he didn’t open the door any wider. “Look, I had a letter from Kitty and its shocked me. I’ll tell you about it tomorrow, its just now, I’d like to be alone because I need some time to think.”

“We’re worried about you,” said Mikey but he guessed his brother was more in control than he ever used to be.

“Don’t worry, I just need some time. I’ll let you know tomorrow, OK? I think I need to get some sleep,” said Gerard indicating that the conversation was over and he didn’t want to mention it anymore until he was ready.

“As long as you’re OK, call if you want me,” he said.

“Course I will. Course I will bro,” said Gerard and he closed the door knowing that he still didn’t want to go to sleep.

Going to his bag he got out his one and only photograph of Kitty. It was slightly crumpled from being carried around for years but it was the only one he had of her because she always refused to have her picture taken. He remembered the day vividly, the day she let him take her photograph…

“I know you don’t like the pink shirt I bought you,” said Kitty coming up behind him.

“Its…its great,” said Gerard. He was drawing at their small kitchen table while she got ready for their night out. It was a party at the record company and she’d brought him a shirt to go with a black suit he’d bought. The trouble was, the shirt was pink and he hated pink. He thought she would have known this.

“You hate it so I don’t want you to wear it,” she said. “I don’t know why I bought it yesterday, something weird came over me and I just thought you’d look good in it. Sorry.” She said nuzzling into his neck and moving his black hair aside so she could get to his ticklish spot below his ear.

“You don’t mind if I don’t wear it?” said Gerard giggling slightly at what she was doing to him.

“Course I don’t that’s why I bought you another one today, a red one, here.” She said putting a new shirt in front of him.

“Now this is more me,” said Gerard taking the shirt from her. “Thanks. What are you wearing?” he said.

“My red dress.” She said coming to sit on his lap, putting her arms around him and just snuggling into him, sniffing at the skin at his throat. She loved sniffing at his skin, it always smelt of soap.

“I thought you were getting a new one today,” said Gerard. His breath was hot as he spoke, his chin resting against the top of her head.

“I couldn’t see anything to beat my red one and anyway I know you like the red one.”

“I like it when you take it off too,” he said smiling all over his face.

Kitty just shook her head and smiled, looked up and kissed him a noisy kiss on his cheek.

“I’m going to get ready, don’t be long, we’ve got to be ready for the car coming and its coming in an hour.” Said Kitty watching the guy she loved bend over his drawing once more.

“I wont,” he said. But she knew him well enough and also knew that he’d leave getting himself ready until about ten minutes before they were due to go.

The party was OK, they weren’t really into these mix, meet and greet type things, any of them. They’d all much rather be at the movies, at home with each other eating take away food or just chilling out. They weren’t huge partygoers at all.

“So are we going to finish our decorating tomorrow?” said Kitty as she linked her arm with Gerard’s on the way back to the car.

“Yeah we should and I want to take some pictures of you while you’re painting,” he said.

”Oh for god sake what do you want to take a picture of me for? I wish I hadn’t bought you that camera for your birthday now,” she said. She didn’t know why but she absolutely hated having her picture taken, right from when she was a kid and she was dressed up in crappy frilly dresses. She’d always hated it.

“Because I haven’t got one of you. I’d like one.” He said.

“Well… may be just one, if you’re lucky,” she said running off ahead of him to the car. He caught up with her just as she got to the car door, his body covering hers. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her shoulder.

“I love you,” he said.

“and I love you,” said Kitty turning to him. She loved him so much she couldn’t even describe it.

“Come on, let’s get home,” he said.

“I can’t wait,” said Kitty.

The next day

“I’m not sure about the colour,” said Kitty as Gerard came into the room. “What do you think? Navy blue for the bedroom doesn’t seem right.”

“I like it,” said Gerard, “but if you don’t then we’ll go to the store and get something different, I don’t mind.” He said.

“Lets see what it looks like when it dries a little,” said Kitty turning to him. “Hey you’re not taking a picture of me, not dressed like this anyway,” she said to him.

”You look great,” said Gerard looking at Kitty with the pink shirt on, the pink shirt that she had bought for him was now being made good use of.

“Yeah, right” said Kitty.

“Let me take just one,” said Gerard, “here, hold my cigarette will you, pose with the cigarette.”

“You’re mad,” said Kitty taking the cigarette from Gerard and placing it between her fingers. She’d never smoked before but she held the cigarette as though she had smoked for years. “I’m not smiling, and I’m not looking at you, just hurry up!” She said, defiantly. God he loved her.

”Don’t then, it doesn’t matter, the moody look suits you.” He said.

”Just hurry up will you?” Said Kitty giving him a glare but this making him laugh even more.

Gerard clicked the camera. He’d captured her, in the pink shirt, his cigarette in her hands looking away from the camera. He loved that picture, she hated it of course but it was the only one he had of her.

He’d kept it but he wasn’t sure if he should now because she was someone else’s fiancée and probably going to be someone else’s wife. He looked once more at the picture of Kitty that he’d taken, years ago



She was so lovely and he’d never forget their time together but now after receiving that letter from her he realised that he had to move on and away from Kitty, he didn’t want to but he knew that he couldn’t spend the rest of his life now waiting for her, not like he’d done for the past two years.

It was different now because he knew there was no chance.

She was with someone else, it had cut his heart in two but he was going to have to accept it, he had his work to do. He had the Black Parade tour to do and he was going to throw himself into it.

He loved her, he always would but she’d just have to be a happy memory and one day, may be he could find love again.

It wouldn’t be a love like he had for Kitty but whatever the future held for him would have to do.

**

Kitty also threw up that evening and she also knew why, because Gerard hadn’t contacted her all day, therefore this meant that he didn’t want to know.

She was convinced he would understand, so very sure of it. She thought she knew him but may be after the two years that they’d been apart he’d changed. He was more successful now; he could probably have his pick of anyone he wanted.

Why would he wait for her?

She’d been a fool. Should she call him up tomorrow? Liz would tell her to just call him up and speak to him but then Liz was different to her. Kitty was stubborn.

Well, if Gerard doesn’t want me, isn’t prepared to wait for me then…

…Gerard could go to hell.