I See You Lying Next To Me

“Are you definitely sure it was Adrienne Armstrong?” Was the first thing I said to Liz as I entered the gallery.

“Of course it was, I’d know her anywhere,” said Liz, blushing.

“Of course you would, you tried to imitate her style for years. Remember that time you had dreads put in but they came out wrong, you made me cut them out and your hair wasn’t the same for months.”

”I remember,” she said. “Anyway she came in and I surprised myself by how calm I was, but all the time I was wondering if Green Day were with her, may be hoping that Tre would pop in at any minute but no, she was having a shopping weekend in the City with a girl friend and said she’d passed by here a few times as she liked the work that was in the window.”

“So she liked my lily picture,” I said. I loved that picture of the lilies; it was one of my favourites that I couldn’t part with, just like the oriental one.

“Then she came and saw the oriental painting and she stood there for ages just staring at it.”

The oriental picture, everyone that came here was drawn to it but somehow I wasn’t sure if I wanted to keep it in the gallery anymore, I’d always kept it because it reminded me of Gerard and always would but now, may be I’d put it away, out of sight and out of mind, yeah, I’d do that, I’d put it away in the attic with some other paintings I had stored there.

“So…it’s their anniversary, my god they must have been married for years now,” I said.

“Well you should know, you’ve read every book and article about Green Day,” said Liz mocking me. “Do you still have that little thing for Billie?” she said raising her eyebrows at me.

“Well…not really, he’s still great looking, still the best lead singer and front man ever,” I said reminiscing to the days when Dookie came out and it was all I played for about six months and Gerard hadn’t minded because he’d loved it too.

“Apart from Gerard,” said Liz.

My stomach knotted up at the mention of his name. I wasn’t going to let it get to me, I couldn’t afford to. It was finished; our time together was well and truly over. He’d proved that he didn’t want us to be together. He probably realised he wanted Eliza after all, she fitted in with his life at the moment and they’d probably travel together, do all sorts together. I didn’t want to think about them.

“Yeah, well, him too I suppose,” I said. “So, come and tell me about what she’s like in real life?” I said heading off to the back room. “Want a coffee?”

”Yeah, why not,” said Liz. “I’ll lock up,” she said going over to the front door of the gallery.”

I was just getting the milk from the fridge when Liz came into the room.

“She’s more beautiful in real life than her photos, her skin is so perfect, I’d love to know what she uses on it,” she said sitting down at the table. She looked a little forlorn.

“Are you OK Liz?” I said.

“I…I just heard from Bob before you came in, we talked for ages, I know its work time and all but we didn’t have any customers,” she said looking up at me apologetically.

“Liz, you can take as many phone calls as you want, you know that but when a customer comes in, they come first, you know I don’t mind.” I said putting a mug down in front of her. “Is Bob OK?” I said sitting down at the chair opposite her.

”He’s fine, they’re all tired as they’ve just completed their video shoot for the first song off the new album. They’re starting their tour next week.”

“It’s going to be great for them, they’re going to be so busy.” I said. Yeah, so busy that I wondered when I would have seen Gerard if we had got back together. I’m busy here with my career. May be things happen for the best after all.

“I can’t wait to see him again,” said Liz. Of course she couldn’t. She was in love with Bob, their relationship was new and fun and fresh, I remembered those times when all you could think of was that one special person, you woke up every morning and thought about them, thought about them whatever you were doing, everything reminded you of them. You lived and breathed them.

“Of course you can’t wait to see him. Listen, I’ve been thinking, how about you get this Jerry guy round here, let me talk to him, if he can start straight away then you can go off to see Bob sooner than you thought.”

“You don’t mind?” she said grabbing her mug and wrapping her hands around it.

”Of course I don’t but I’m so going to miss you, you know. Go for it baby, go and be with your Bob, but you’d better not lose touch with me,” I said a feeling of fear sweeping over me. Liz knew me as well as Gerard did, she’d been the person I’d leant on all the time I wasn’t with Gerard. I don’t know how I’d have coped without her.

“Don’t be so stupid, I’ll probably be on the phone to you every night. I think I love him Kitty.” She said, blushing. She’d done a lot of this blushing thing lately.

“I think you do too so you need to be with him. So, when did Adrienne Armstrong say she was coming back in?”

“Tomorrow. Its her last day here before she flies home.”

“Any idea what time?” I said, butterflies appearing in my stomach, realisation hitting me that I may get the opportunity to paint a picture for Billie Joe Armstrong.

“First thing in the morning she said, so, you’d better make the effort and get your goddam ass out of that bed in the morning, you’re going to have to set your alarm you know.”

“Yeah, I know,” I said.

“How was Dan?” Liz said, her words cutting into me, reminding once again of my priorities.

“Better today, he was a little more lively, he’s progressed well and they said in about three weeks he can come out.”

“So he’s definitely going to his mothers?” said Liz.

“Yeah, there isn’t anywhere else really and that unfortunately means when I go and see him, I’ll be seeing the Dragon too.”

“What a thought!” said Liz. “I’m glad you’re not staying with him just because he’s unable to walk, that would be the worse thing for you to do, its different if you loved him, I think you’re doing the right thing by telling him that you don’t plan on staying with him.”

“Its hard, when I see him I feel so guilty. I cheated on him by sleeping with Gerard.”

“I know but…your relationship with Dan was way over anyway, he’ll never find out now Kitty, who knows about what happened? Just you, me and Gerard, that’s all.”

“You’re right. Once he’s settled at his mothers I shall tell him.”

“Good, then you can start getting a life.”

**

Later, as I was taking my engagement ring off, Liz’s words about me starting a new life came to my mind.

I had a life once.

The best life.

I had a life with Gerard.

I thought I was going to have that again with him but obviously a life with me is not the life he wants to lead.

I shall end up an old, spinster woman running a gallery, my fingers gnarled and twisted, trying to paint pictures that nobody would want. I’d die here, here in this bedroom having not found love again and surrounded by my paintings. I just knew it.

Sighing I went over to my dressing table, flipped open my jewellery box and opened one of the little drawers that I kept my engagement ring in when I wasn’t wearing it. What a farce this had turned out to be, putting my engagement ring on just to go and visit Dan, keeping up the pretence that I was engaged to him when all the time I’d never wanted him in my life.

I was wicked.

My phone rang then but as I turned to answer it, the jewellery box and all its contents got knocked onto the floor, spilling out everywhere.

“Hello,” I said into the phone.

“Only me, just to say that Jerry will come round tomorrow to visit you, just after lunch time to talk about what you want from him. That OK?” Said Liz.

”That’s fine Liz. I don’t remember much about him when he showed his stuff.”

“You had your mind elsewhere, that’s why, may be with a certain Mr. W,” said Liz. “Anyway, I’m going to bed, I just know I’m going to have to come round early in the morning to get you up to meet Mrs Armstrong.”

“I’ll be up, it’s about time I sorted myself out and stopped relying on you so much,” I said laughing into the phone.

“See you in the morning Kitty, night.”

“Yeah, night Liz.” I said then putting the phone back onto dressing table I bent to pick up the items that were sprawled across the floor.

That’s when I saw it.

I hadn’t seen it for ages and had practically forgotten all about it.

It was wrapped in white tissue paper, had never been worn by me but had been worn by Gerard’s grandmother, Helena.

I picked it up and opened it. It was a silver locket, an antique one that had been given to her by her husband on their wedding day. She’d worn it every day since then with a picture of each of them on each side. I’d always admired it, it was so beautiful and I remembered back to the day that she gave it to me….

**

“Kitty, come over here my darling, I have something for you.” Said the old lady I’d grown to love as if she was my own grandmother.

I so loved coming here and talking with her, she always seemed to have something new to tell me, a new memory, a new tale about when she was younger and even tales of Gerard and Mikey when they were boys, I just loved hearing everything that she could tell me.

Helena had been ill for some time. She had cancer and although she’d had some treatment, she often pooh-poohed it by saying that she was old, she didn’t have much long left in this world anyway and why was everyone wasting their time and money trying to get her better when there were so many sick children that needed the medicine and treatment much more than her. We told her time and again that we loved her and wanted her better but she was having none of it. She’d refused treatment and they’d not given her that long to live, possibly a month.

It was what she wanted and there was no changing her mind it was just that we found it hard to believe it was what she wanted, to die and leave us. In particular, Gerard found it really hard. He’d cancelled a part of the tour just to be with her more and I didn’t blame him for that. We visited her every day and every day we saw her she was a little worse than the previous day. Every day when we got home Gerard cried, cried for ages, then, in bed, he clung on to me as we fell asleep.

“I can’t possibly have that,” I said as Helena gave me the locket.

“Yes you can and you will,” said Helena. I’ve taken our pictures out so it’s all ready for pictures of you and Gerard.” She said.

“Oh Helena, are you possibly sure?” I said. I felt honoured to have it.

“Of course I am, Gerard’s mother is having all my other jewellery but I know you’ve loved this locket.”

“I do love it,” I said fingering the heavy silver weight in my hands with its ornate design; it was so beautiful, unusual.

“I know you do and that’s why it’s meant for you, treasure it now won’t you. No, that comment was silly of me, of course you’ll treasure it.” she said. I took her hand then, it felt cold and wrinkly but it was still soft and I bit my lip to stop myself from crying over this sad situation.

“Kitty, you and Gerard, you’re meant for each other you know that? You’re just like me and his grandfather were when we first met. You’re a young couple in love with your whole lives together, to enjoy each other, to visit places together, to raise children. You know the ins and outs of each other, don’t let anything spoil it, be strong, both of you. You can make it through anything if you try really hard. You may think things are easy now but sometimes when you get older, events and circumstances change things, we change as people but hopefully you and Gerard will change together and stay in the same direction.”

“Of course we’ll make it,” I said and back then, back then of course that’s what I thought, because I couldn’t imagine being with any other.

“I’m glad to have met you, Gerard can be complicated but you should know that by now. You support each other and you won’t go wrong.” She said.

“I love him so much Helena, I consider myself lucky to have met him so young.”

And that was the last time I saw her alive.

Gerard spoke to his grandmother just before we left to go to our apartment, he never did tell me what they said but when he got into the car he had a weird look on his face.

I drove us both home in silence, as though a little part of us knew we may not see her again but both of us not wanting to voice it.

When we got to the apartment Gerard just grabbed on to me and took me off to the bedroom, desire evident in his hazel eyes, we didn’t speak, just made love quickly and quietly then as dusk came we lay together in the huge bed of ours, snuggling up, stroking at each other’s damp skin.

“I love you so much Kitty,” said Gerard. “We’re going to be OK aren’t we?” he said.

I rolled over onto my stomach and looked at him.

“Of course we are stupid,” I said running a finger along his luscious lips, “we’ve got each other, we don’t need anyone else.” I said.

“You’re right,” said Gerard. “Hey, I know just the pictures for your locket,” he said.

“Oh, do you now? What picture have you of me then?” I said knowing full well that he only had a couple of me.

“You’ll see,” he said tapping his nose.

But I never got the chance to find out because just then the phone rang with the devastating news that Helena had died.

We kind of expected it but it was still a shock, we’d only left her just a couple of hours before.

Gerard was devastated, inconsolable and things would never be the same for him again.

**

I opened the locket and of course it was empty because we never got round to putting our pictures inside it and I wondered then what picture he would have used of me.

I gently snapped the locket closed and carefully wrapped it back up into its tissue paper and placed it into the bottom of the jewellery box where it had been for years. Everything else got put away then I got myself ready for bed, quietly, alone like I’d done for ages.

There was a time when I couldn’t imagine being alone, back then when all I’d ever wanted I had.

Gerard.

But he was gone and here I was, alone and lonely. Things were changing so fast but may be things were looking up, may be my life was going to take a turn.

I had Adrienne Armstrong coming tomorrow to view my work.

I so wanted to call Gerard up and tell him.

**

Eliza had been asleep and the knocking woke her. She stretched then got out of bed, opening the door to her bedroom door she found Gerard standing there.

”I think we need to talk,” he said.

”What? Now?” said Eliza.

“Yeah. Now,” said Gerard. He was a little calmer than he had been earlier thought Eliza but her heart was racing wondering what he would say to her.

“Could…could you give me a couple of minutes,” she said aware that she didn’t look her best, he hair must be everywhere and she hadn’t taken her make up off before her lie down. She must look a wreck; he hadn’t seen her look this bad before.

“I’ll be downstairs, want a coffee?” said Gerard.

“Yeah, what time is it by the way?” said Eliza.

“Its just gone midnight, everyone else has gone to bed, I just wanted to talk to you while no one else was around.”

“Coffee would be great, I shan’t be a moment,” said Eliza, her heart still pounding and putting her hand to her stomach.

She now had to convince everyone that she was pregnant; she’d convinced herself and practically believed it was really happening.

**

He was at the table when she walked into the Kitchen.

He glanced up at her but he still didn’t seem that happy about things. His blond hair was all mussed up and she desperately wanted to straighten it up for him. She knew his roots would need doing soon; she’d have to remind him about that.

“I wasn’t sure how you took it, so I’ve left it black,” said Gerard indicating the coffee that was sitting on the table.

“Thanks,” said Eliza reaching for some milk.

It was deathly quiet in the kitchen Eliza could hear the clock ticking and it matched the sound of her heart, tick tock, thud thud.

“Listen,” said Gerard. “You took me unawares earlier, your news came as a shock.” Said Gerard glancing at her, she couldn’t read his expression at all.

”I’m sorry I had to spring it on you, it’s been bothering me for some time and I just had to come out and say it. I wouldn’t have said anything if you and Kitty…I mean…if you and she were going to get back together then…I wouldn’t have said anything at all.”

“Oh. So what would you have done?” said Gerard. He didn’t like Eliza talking about Kitty, Kitty was in the past. Kitty didn’t want him because she had someone else.

“I don’t know,” said Eliza looking down into her mug of coffee.

“This is difficult, that night we spent together, you know I didn’t for one moment think that you’d get pregnant,” said Gerard.

”Its how babies are made Gerard,” said Eliza.

“I know, I didn’t mean that, I just didn’t think that this would be a consequence of our night together. We should have been a bit more careful.” He said, clearly embarrassed by this whole situation,

”We should have but it all happened so quickly in the heat of the moment.”

“Yeah.” Said Gerard not really wanting to be reminded of that night because that night while he was thrusting into Eliza he was only thinking of one person and he’d got carried away with the moment. He’d been thinking of Kitty, that’s why he’d got carried away, not because of Eliza. He reached into his pocket to get a cigarette.

“You can’t smoke, not here in this kitchen,” said Eliza. “What about our baby?” she said.

Gerard blushed, “oh yeah, of course,” he said putting the pack away, but desperate for a cigarette.

“So…what do you want to do about this, have you given it much thought?” He asked. He couldn’t believe that this was happening to him, any moment now she was going to tell him it was a false alarm. He’d hoped she’d tell him that, he was definitely not ready for any of this, well, not with her anyway.

“I’m keeping the baby, there’s no way, I couldn’t harm…,” then she burst out crying, they were crocodile tears of course.

“Hey, its OK, I didn’t mean for you to…look, I want what’s best for you, if you didn’t want to have the baby, may be couldn’t handle the situation then that would be fine by me but if…well, you’ve made your mind up, you’re keeping the baby, then…that’s fine too. I’ll support you any way you want me to. Its my responsibility too.” He said and of course it was, there was no way he was going to turn his back on this, he couldn’t do that, he wasn’t like that. She was having his baby; of course he’d have to be around for it.

“Thank you,” she said. “You don’t realise how scared I was of telling you. I just picked the wrong moment. Forgive me,” said Eliza.

“Its OK.” Said Gerard. He felt a little sorry for her, it had been his fault too, that night, the night he didn’t really want to think about but his actions had created a baby and he’d have to accept it and take responsibility.

“If you want anything, money, help with anything, please let me know,” said Gerard.

”Of course,” said Eliza as she stood up from the table. “I don’t expect a relationship, I don’t think that was what either of us had in mind that night but…knowing you’re going to be around makes things a whole lot easier for me.” She said.

Gerard smiled at her and she knew she’d won the first hurdle. He’d been nice to her, accepting of the baby and wanting to be there for her, that’s all she could have asked for at this early stage. She wasn’t going to mess this one up, she wasn’t going to annoy him, she’d show him, she’d get him around to more than just liking her.

**

That night Gerard, once again couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t believe what an ass he’d been sleeping with Eliza, what a fool and now he had to pay for his mistake. He was going to be a father, who’d of thought it.

He’d wanted to be a father some day, there was no doubt about it but he wanted to choose the time, he wanted to choose who the mother would be.

He always thought it would have been Kitty, they’d talked about it sometimes about how they would may be wait until they were about thirty before having kids well, he was 29 now, 30 next year so may be the time was right for him after all.

He flung his head onto the pillow trying not to think of Kitty and the plans they’d once had because she was probably going to marry this other guy and have his kid.

For a fleeting instant he hated Kitty, only an instant because he could never hate her even though she’d slept with him whilst being with someone else. What was she playing at? Well, she’d chosen, she’d chosen the other guy and he’d have to live with it.

He wondered if the guy knew, had Kitty confessed that she’d slept with someone? May be she had, may be she’d confessed it to the guy and he’d forgiven her because they had such a wonderful close relationship.

He’d never know what had been said between Kitty and her fiancée because he’d probably never see or speak to her again.

He knew he had to try and get some sleep, they had so much to do in the upcoming months, they were beginning their tour in LA and coincidentally the night after they finished the USA tour before they flew off to Europe was his new friend Billie Joe and Adrienne’s anniversary party. It was still a few months away yet though and they were having a huge party, apparently they were renewing their vows and they’d invited all the guys to it.

For a moment just then he wanted to call Kitty up and tell her where he was going but of course he couldn’t. He would have loved to have taken Kitty, for her to be his guest, especially as Billie was one of her idols but now, now he might just have to take Eliza, she was carrying his baby after all he thought as he drifted off to sleep deciding that he’d have to make more of an effort with Eliza if they were going to have some sort of decent relationship for their baby.

She couldn’t be that bad, could she?