I See You Lying Next To Me

She was just standing there, she looked as he’d always remembered her, beautiful, with her long fair hair falling about her shoulders and she was wearing a red dress.

She knew he loved her when she wore that red dress years ago.

“Please…I can’t speak to you right now,” Kitty said to him her bright blue eyes looking sad and filling up with tears.

“Kitten, what’s wrong? Are you OK?” He said taking a step forward but that action triggered her to shove her key in the hotel door and turn it.

“I’m fine Gerard. Fine. I just…don’t want to talk to you at the moment. Not now, I can’t do it.”

“When then?” said Gerard almost desperately. “I think we need to talk. I need to know about your…fiancée.”

“Gerard,” she snapped. “I don’t want to speak to you right now,” she said pushing against the door, trying to open it.

“It won’t take long,” he said taking another step forward but she’d already stepped into the hotel room and turned to him and looked directly at him.

“Look, Gerard if you ever loved me, you’d understand. I can’t talk to you,” she said.

“I’m sorry, I really thought we could just talk, my mistake,” said Gerard turning and walking away from her.

“I’m sorry too,” he heard.

“I miss you you know,” he said turning back once more.

“Well.. you had your chance and you blew it,” she said to him.

“What do you mean?” He said, frowning.

”Don’t act the innocent with me,” Kitty said bitterly. “The letter, I said it all in the letter and you know I did. I explained about Dan how I didn’t ever love him and he needed me and could you possibly wait for me for a couple of months while I helped him adjust but…you didn’t call me Gerard. Look, just leave me alone will you,” she said then closed the door.

Gerard was confused. What the fuck was she talking about? That wasn’t what was said in the letter, not at all.

He knocked on the door

“Kitty, Kitty, please open this door, you need to explain, I don’t get it.”

**

He knocked for ages, saying he didn’t understand. She just wished he’d go away, this was so hard. She lay there listening to his voice then it was gone, that voice she’d loved to listen to, listen to whisper in her ear and tickle her as he used to do.

Gone. But why was he so keen on speaking to her? He hadn’t contacted her so therefore it was over. Why didn’t he contact her then if he didn’t understand and it was all a mistake?

There was only one thing for it.

**

Gerard was lying on his back, on his bed staring up at the ceiling. What did she mean when she said she wanted him to wait for her and it was in the letter? It fucking wasn’t in the letter. Had he read it wrong? No, he’d read it fifty times.

He just didn’t get it.

She didn’t want him he thought, rolling over, why couldn’t he get it into his thick skull?

**

“Fucking hell man this is unreal,” said Mikey, “but it figures. It all figures.”

“Yeah, it does,” said Frank.

“You OK Frank,” said Jamia going to sit on his lap. They were in Mikey’s room, Jamia, Alicia and Ray had been explaining to them what they thought had happened.

“No because if Kitty’s right, she’s kept them apart, she’s deliberately interfered in something that…I don’t know. Should have been.”

“Gerard needs to know about this.”

“Yeah, lets go and tell him,” said Alicia and they all left Mikey’s room together to go and tell their friend the news but Frank stopped them.

“I don’t think we should be speaking to him first, I think we should confront Eliza about this.”

“You think?” said Ray, getting a little nervous now, he’d never liked Eliza, he’d always thought she was freaky.

“I think so,” said Jamia.

“I don’t,” said Mikey. “I’m going to Gerard, he needs to know first, and then we can get the bitch.”

So they all went and knocked on Gerard’s door.

Ray felt slightly relieved

**

Gerard opened the door to everyone, he looked dreadful Mikey thought and he’s not going to like this.

“We have something we think you should know,” said Mikey, “can we come in?”

“What, all of you?” said Gerard looking at his friends and wondering what the fuck this was all about. They all trooped into the room, a couple of them sat on the bed, one sat at the dressing table stool, the rest stood over by the window and watched Gerard close the door behind him.

“Where’s Kitty’s letter?” said Frank.

”What?” Said Gerard. Why the fuck were they asking to see Kitty’s letter?

“Kitty’s letter, I think we need to see it,” said Ray. “We think someone stole a part of the letter, that’s why it didn’t make sense to you and that’s why, when I spoke to Kitty earlier and what she said was in the letter didn’t match.”

“You spoke to Kitty?” said Gerard.

“Yeah,” said Ray. “I spoke to her earlier. She asked how you were and I said upset at being told that she was engaged to someone else and by letter. She said it wasn’t like that, that she gave you a choice and told you in the letter she wanted to get back with you.”

“She didn’t, not at all, all she mentioned was staying with this guy,” said Gerard going to his bag. “Here, read it.”

He handed Ray the crumpled letter, they all gathered round.

“No, Kitty definitely said there was more to it, she talked about wanting to get back with you and you waiting for her,” said Jamia. “That’s what she told us isn’t it Alicia?” she said.

”Definitely,” said Alicia.

”She said that to me too,” said Ray.

“And me,” said Gerard. Now he knew what she meant. The full letter wasn’t here, he’d never got it, it had got lost.

“You spoke to her too, when?” said Mikey.

“Earlier, but she didn’t want to know, now I know why.”

“So where’s the rest of it? And that K isn’t exactly like Kitty’s I’d recognise her K anywhere,” said Ray and everyone looked at him and smiled.

“We think we know who has it.” Said Frank. He was so pissed off, he’d never been this angry with anyone in his life.

“What,” said Gerard. What do you mean?

We think its Eliza.

“Yeah,” said Frank, “and I’m gonna get the bitch.” He said and with that left the room, Jamia walking fast after him, trying to catch him up.

“Better go with them,” said Mikey. “I want to see this.”

Ray and Gerard were left, Gerard stunned by this. He slumped onto the bed and reached for his pack of cigarettes.

“I get it now, I get it all,” said Gerard. “But she won’t speak to me. She must be hurting Ray and I hate that,” he said, his eyes filling up with tears.

Ray went to him.

“Listen dude, there’s something else and I regret now ever saying it but she’s going to know sooner or later. I told her that Eliza was having your baby but she didn’t hang around for any details. She wasn’t happy.”

“I don’t blame her.” Said Gerard.

“I’m so sorry,” said Ray.

“Ray, its not your fault man, I’ve messed this up, Kitty and I, if only I’d have called her we could have sorted it out. Now she thinks I’m with Eliza. Fuck it Ray, I’d never want to be with Eliza.”

“I know, I shouldn’t have opened my big mouth.”

“Its fine, listen, go and see the others. I can’t face that bitch. Not yet.” Said Gerard lighting up.

After Ray had gone, Gerard went to his ipod and switched it on. He scrolled round until he found it; he lay on his bed and listened to one of Kitty’s favourite songs, One by U2.

**

The taxi driver’s radio was playing U2s One, one of her favourite songs and the words were echoing through her mind. She’d loved that song once but now, now it was an empty song and meaningless to her at the moment. She wanted the taxi driver to turn it off but then he started singing along and she remembered her and Gerard singing it together.

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say...

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's...
Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...

Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...life
One

**

The flight home was tiring but she couldn’t sleep. Her eyes were burning but she just started out of the window into the night sky. So he was going to be a Dad already, before she’d even got to tell him. She wanted him to be a Dad to her baby but she was confused now.

How was it going to turn out?

She could still hear his voice begging at the door to be let in and to talk to her. She wanted to let him in but she knew it would have been pointless.

They were going nowhere.

She’d had to shut her eyes and cover her ears and let him go away.

**

Eliza heard the knock, it woke her. She glanced at the clock, it was 3.am, “who the fuck?” she said out loud.

They were all there, standing there stony faced, all except Gerard. Where was he?
Suddenly she knew what this was all about.

They’d guessed.

“Where’s the rest of this letter?” said Alicia spitting at her and shoving the first page of the letter at Eliza.

“What letter?” said Eliza her stomach fell. They’d definitely found out.

“You know what I’m talking about,” said Alicia pushing herself into the room and turning to her, “you’ve split the letter up in the hope of splitting them up haven’t you?” she said.

“You’re mad Alicia, as if I’d do something like that,” said Eliza trying to smile at Alicia.

“You would do that its something you would do,” said Alicia staring at this girl who was once her friend. She wished now she’d never introduced her to Gerard. That’s when everything seemed to go wrong.

“Fuck off, you know nothing,” said Eliza getting angry.

“I think we know more than you want us to know,” said Frank.

They were all in the room, staring at her.

“Own up Eliza. You’ve always wanted him haven’t you?” Said Ray.

“Is that such a bad thing?” said Eliza walking over to the window.

“It is when you know you won’t stand a chance. He had Kitty and you know that.” Said Jamia.

“He didn’t though, they split up and were apart for two years or have you all forgotten that? They broke up and didn’t speak to each other for two years, yeah, sounds like they were real close.” She said sarcastically.

“But they would have got back together, its what they both wanted. You interfered.” Said Alicia trying to understand why.

“They lead different lives now, they’ve changed,” said Eliza.

“Have they?” said Franky. “How would you know?”

”I just think they have.” She said. She was beginning to wish she’d never started this fiasco, nothing was going to change Gerard’s mind now, and she’d never get him to be with her, ever.

“You would think that,” said Frank. She was a bitch this girl standing in front of him, ruining lives.

“Anyway, I’m pregnant with Gerard’s baby, so, it’s for the best that they stay apart.”

“What’s for the best?” said Alicia. She felt like standing up and slapping Eliza around the face. But she knew that wouldn’t do any good it would just make her look as though she’d lost it.

“They just needed a helping hand to see that its over between the two of them. They were hanging onto something that wasn’t meant to be,” said Eliza believing herself.

“Well you’re the only one that thinks that. Where’s the letter” said Ray. He couldn’t believe how Eliza was behaving, it was unbelievable. Poor Kitty and Gerard.

“It’s…its in my bag. I’ll get it.” Said Eliza, sheepishly.

“You’re a bitch Eliza and just so that you know, Gerard already knows about this.”

Eliza felt sick, knowing that it had all gone wrong and wondering what she could do to make amends.

**

Gerard had read the letter five times and couldn’t take it in. She still wanted him. She wanted him, she’d said so in her letter and would she wait for him while she sorted out her fiancée. Of course he’d have waited he’d have waited forever and she must think…she must have thought I didn’t want her. For months now she must have thought I didn’t want her, oh Kitty.

I’ll always want you.

Gerard left his room and walked down the hall to Kitty’s room.

He knocked for ages, getting no answer, pleading at the door to be let in but she still didn’t come. Then he had an idea.

He went down to reception to ask for the phone number for Kitty’s room, he could speak to her that way but the guy at reception didn’t have good news for him.

“I’m sorry sir, the lady in that room, she checked out an hour ago.”

**

How dare he.

How dare he just stand there as though nothing had happened. To stand there after not contacting me, grinning that grin, those hazel eyes sparkling at me as if…as if he’s playing a game with me when all along he’s with Eliza and he’s going to be a father to her baby.

Well, you made the choice Gerard Way. You made the choice. You chose Eliza over me and now you’re having her baby.

You could have been a father to my baby but now you won’t, I can’t keep it after all Kitty thought to herself as she looked out of the aircraft window, tears falling down her cheeks, all the other passengers oblivious to this young girls pain as they slept contentedly.

**

Thank god I’ve got my painting thought Kitty as she began work on something for a prestigious client who owned a chain of flower shops. She had ten pictures to paint and she didn’t have to rush them, she could take her time.

Kitty had slept poorly on the sofa as Mel was still asleep in her bed when she’d got in late last night. She’d got up early and had started work on the painting, throwing herself into her work.

She’d also tried calling Liz but hadn’t got an answer. She knew Liz was heading to New York either today or tomorrow, she couldn’t remember when now, the jet lag she was suffering had thrown everything upside down.

It was about 8am when Mel came downstairs.

“Hey, I wasn’t expecting you until tomorrow. Did the painting go down well? What happened?”

“Very well, Billie loved it.” Said Kitty remembering the smile that Billie had given her but then remembering him talking about Gerard. Him again.

“Did you speak to Gerard?” Asked Mel who yawned widely then sat down at the table, watching Kitty as she worked.

“Not really,” said Kitty. Gerard talk again. It was Gerard this and Gerard that.

“So he doesn’t know that you’re pregnant?” Mel said, and then sighed. He was going to have to know soon even if she’d told him herself.

“No, he doesn’t know.” Said Kitty not looking at Mel.

“Kitty have you slept at all? You look dreadful,” said Mel.

“Hardly, my mind was buzzing with all sorts.”

“Go upstairs and rest Kitty, just for a couple of hours even, you’ll make yourself ill.”

“I can’t Mel. Every time I close my eyes I can see him just like yesterday before I left. I saw Gerard at the hotel and he was just standing looking a me as if nothing had changed as if, as if he still wanted me when I’d earlier found out that he was with Eliza and she was having his kid.” She said, her eyes filling up with tears.

“Oh Kitty,” said Mel getting up to hug her, Kitty’s tears spilling out of her eyes and down her cheeks.

It was the first hug she’d ever been given by Mel and she hugged her sister back wondering why they’d never got on and wishing all those years ago that they had, this may have never happened. She blamed Ted and his stuffy ways for her rebelling and leaving home to go and live with Gerard at an early age.

“Go and rest, please Kitty, you’re doing yourself and the baby no good.”

“Mel…I don’t think I can keep his baby, I really don’t.” Said Kitty.

“Kitty are you sure about this?”

Kitty sniffed. “I think so. It’s different if we were together but there’s always going to be Eliza and their child and well I don’t think I could handle that. It’ll be for the best.

“Look, if you sure…well…I know someone that can help. Doctor Lorenzo is very good, he…”

“He what?” Said Kitty looking at her sister, stunned.

“He did something for me, sometime back.” Said Mel who looked extremely embarrassed.

“Mel you…you god rid of a baby?” This shocked Kitty, she’d always wondered why her sister hadn’t had children and she’d always thought that she couldn’t have them.

“Yes, just before I left Ted I realised I didn’t want to be a mother, I’m not the mothering kind and I knew then I didn’t want Ted.”

“Oh Mel, I’m so sorry, I wish you’d have told me.”

“Its fine, it was my decision. So, shall I ring Doctor Lorenzo?”

“Yes please, I’d like to see Doctor Lorenzo as soon as possible.”

It would be for the best.

**

Mel was locking up when she saw someone over in the park, looking over and she knew that it was Gerard with that bright blond hair.

She ignored him. What was he doing?

She went to the back room to make herself a drink when the knocking came, once again she knew it was him. She’d let him knock for a bit longer; he could suffer for ignoring his sister and getting with someone else after all they’d been through.

Eventually she went to the door and opened it, he was standing there, smoking.

“Mel?” He said, “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“Gerard,” she said not wanting to let him in but knowing she would. She stood aside to let him in.

“Is she here?” He asked. He didn’t look good, the worst she’d seen him, even worse than when he was on the drugs and she’d caught a glimpse of his devastated face as they’d driven Kitty away from him. She’d hated seeing him like that and she’d hated herself ever since.

“No, she’s at the doctors,” Said Mel.

“Oh,” he said looking surprised. “Is everything OK?”

“Everything’s fine.” She said looking at him and suddenly feeling sorry for him thinking about what Kitty was doing right now.

“I need to see her.” He said, he was desperate, he looked it and sounded it. No doubt desperate to explain his mistake thought Mel.

“Do you?” She said looking over at him.

“Yeah, very much, there’s been a misunderstanding. Mel, please, I need to explain.” He said.

“You’d better come through,” said Mel leading him off to the back room.

**

Kitty let herself into the gallery, it was eerily silent. She knew that Jerry had taken the afternoon off to go and see his family but Mel should be here. Where was she? Why on earth had she closed the place early? Kitty glanced at her watch, 5.25pm. Well not that much early she thought as she noticed a piece of paper over on the counter.

“Mel?” She shouted as she picked up the piece of paper and began to read it.

Dear Kitty

Thanks for putting up with me but I’m going to leave you in peace in your own apartment this evening. I’m staying with a friend for a few nights, but if you need me, give me a call.

Love you

Mel

p.s. You have a visitor upstairs. Follow your heart

A visitor? It had to be him.

Gerard

He was upstairs, she just knew it.

She glanced at the last three words on the bottom of Mel’s note.

Follow your heart.

Of course she would.