I See You Lying Next To Me

I was fiddling around with my bag as I came downstairs from my apartment above the gallery and I could feel Liz’s eyes on me.

“I knew you’d wear red,” she said to me. I glanced up and she was looking at me knowingly. “He always liked you in red didn’t he?” She continued.

“Yeah but this is a coincidence I’ve tried on hundreds of tops and this was the outfit that felt right.” It was a tight red t-shirt with a scoop neck and a pair of black jeans. I’d worn a little black scarf round my neck to dress it up.

“I can’t remember the last time I saw you with your hair down,” said Liz. “It suits you down and…”

“Look I know, don’t say it.” I said getting a hairbrush from my bag to give my hair another brush through.

“What? That Gerard always preferred your hair down, long and flowing.” She said looking at me knowingly.

“Oh shut up Liz,” I said glancing into the mirror that was in the back room of the gallery.

“I’m right aren’t I?” She was pushing at me now and I could see her smirking behind me in the mirror.

“You know you are, anyway you’re looking good. Dressing up for Bob are we?” I said turning to her and returning the hairbrush to my bag.

“May be, but I don’t know the situation with Bob, he may be with someone.” She said glancing away.

“Hey I thought you were the one that kept up to date on their lives, surely you must know what’s going on with them?” I said taking another look at my reflection in the mirror. I’d put on loads of eye make up, really dark. It was the first time in months that I’d worn eye make up. Dan didn’t care much for girls with loads of make up and I’d kind of got out of the habit a little. I’d forgotten how my eyes stood out that bit more with it on.

”Well I know about some of them but not all.” She said sitting down at the table and putting her bag down onto it.

“Oh. So what do I need to know? I presume Frank is still with Jamia and presumably they are married and probably with-child by now,” I said about those two. We used to do loads together as a foursome. I loved them both and Jamia was like a sister to me, more than a sister than Mel was. I missed both Frank and Jamia all of a sudden.

“Yes they’re together; they’re engaged but not married. Ray is with someone but I’m not sure of her name and of course Mikey and Alicia are still together.”

Mikey. I loved that boy like my own brother, as much as Gerard loved him. I missed him too and Alicia. We had some good times together but they liked having time to themselves and didn’t hang out with us as much as Franky and Jamia used to.

“I’m not sure about Bob’s relationship situation and Gerard, well Gerard I don’t know. You know I’ve searched their websites and there isn’t one photograph of you and him together.” She said looking at me and frowning.

“Well there wouldn’t be, because I always ran out of the way if someone was taking a photograph and I hated when they were filming Life on the Murder Scene.”

I hated thinking about that because it was during the filming of that DVD when we broke up.

“Did you ever get to see the completed DVD?” I asked her.

“Yes I have it at home and you’re right, you’re not in it. There’s so much speculation about Gerard you know,” she said standing up and grabbing her jacket from the back of the chair.

“What do you mean?” I said.

“Well, the fans aren’t sure whether he is gay or straight.”

“You’re kidding me. Gerard gay? Stop it.” I said reaching for my own jacket.

“Its true, no one really knows. One minute they say he’s got someone, the next he’s single, one minute he’s gay, and he’s even been linked up with Eliza.”

“Eliza?” I said, an odd sensation in my stomach.

Eliza was the very pretty girl who had done his hair a few times and occasionally helped with his make up. She was Mikey and Alicia’s friend and it was obvious to everyone except Gerard that she fancied the pants off him.

“Yeah, some say they are an item. There is so much speculation about him, you’d laugh.”

“Well those gay rumours are ridiculous,” I said. “The things people believe. But actually I can imagine him playing on it a little I bet he purposely doesn’t give anything away and I reckon he enjoys it,” I said knowing how mischievous he could be when he wanted to be.

“Yes I know but these young girls believe everything and it all gets built up, you want to take a look at some of the websites Kitty.”

“Um… I don’t think so. What time’s this taxi coming then?” I said wanting to end all this talk of Gerard once again. Gerard and Eliza? It could be a possibility I supposed. May be she had finally got what she wanted after all.

“Any minute. You look gorgeous Kitty you know. He won’t recognise you with that hair colour.”

“Oh… I’m sure he will.”

“Yeah you’re right,” she said. “He’d know you anywhere.”

**

The traffic was awful and it took us nearly three times as long to get to our destination than we thought it would. The car crept along and as I looked out the window I could see groups of people, some of them wearing My Chem hoodies and sweatshirts and it took me back to when we used to be crowded in vans and buses with all their merch around us and when we ran out of clothes and hadn’t got any clean we used to sneak a few of the sweatshirts out of their packs and then we’d wash them and put them back into their packs as if they hadn’t been worn. If only the fans that had bought those particular ones knew that the band had worn them … those young kids would have died.

Then Liz’s words about Gerard liking my hair down and flowing freely came back to me and I could literally feel his fingers pulling my hair free of the hair ties that I used, just pulling it free and letting his fingers comb through it but then Liz interrupted my thoughts.

“The crowds are out in their droves, just look at them,” she said as we arrived at our destination my mind back in the present. Liz showed our tickets as we got out of the taxi. There were barriers up and people all around screaming and it took me back to some of their gigs years ago when they began to get recognised and I kind of glowed inside when they’d got the recognition they fully deserved. I glowed now, this was all for them, these people here waiting at the bottom of the building where the guys were going to play were here for them and I suddenly felt overwhelmingly proud of them and all they’d achieved.

I could have cried.

I looked up and the top of the building was awash with lights and I could see a crowd of people up there. It was very high up and I became nervous suddenly but I knew it wasn’t nerves because of the height; it was nerves because I was going to see them again. I was going to see all of them, the friends that I’d hung around with for so long. What would they think of me? Would they wonder why Gerard and I never stayed in touch? What was his version of the events?

One of the security guards took my elbow at that moment and I looked down from the sky and Liz and I got ushered into the building and into a lobby where a few people were waiting.

Liz once again had to show her tickets and we were lead to an elevator. There was someone in the elevator but she had her back to us and looked like she was checking her make up in the elevator mirror. She had black hair and a slight build.

We got in and I turned to Liz.

“What floor do we need?” I said, my hand hesitating over the buttons.

“Don’t be stupid Kitty, the top floor of course.” Liz said rolling her eyes at me.

“Kitty!” Shrieked a voice. “Oh my god, it is you. You came. We were all wondering if you’d come on not. It was Bob’s idea and he got Gerard to drop those tickets at your gallery. I can’t believe you have the gallery you always wanted,” this girl said all in one breath.

“Jamia,” I said looking at this beautiful girl who I’d spent so many hours with, drunk ones, stoned ones, boiling hot ones, freezing cold ones, sad ones, lonely ones, pissed off ones, hungry ones and ecstatic ones. We’d gone through all those emotions while we toured with the boys and it had been wonderful.

“How are you Jamia? You look great,” I said and she did she always had a glow about her.

“I’m good and you? This is so cool,” she said touching my hair. “The colour suits you Kitty.”

“Thanks I felt like a change and I’ve been busy what with the gallery. Hey, I hear you are engaged to Frank now?” I was so glad, they made a great couple.

“Yes,” she said showing me the ring. “We’ve still to decide on a date but when this Black parade tour is over we’re hopefully going to do it then.” She said as the elevator ground to a halt at the top floor, my stomach grinding to a halt with it.

“Hey, Liz I remember you, you came out sometimes to be with us. How are you?” Jamia said turning to Liz.

”I’m great thanks Jamia,” said Liz who was absolutely glowing and had spared no expense by the look of it on getting her hair styled. She was beautiful but funnily enough, she’d never thought it.

“Listen, I’m going to quickly see Frank before he goes on. It’s a big night for them. Make sure you don’t go without coming and chatting again Kitty; you’d better not go home without saying goodbye at least,” she said as she rushed off before disappearing behind a door.

We stepped out of the elevator but suddenly Liz grabbed my arm quite firmly.

“Where’s your ring?” she said to me.

”What?” I said. I hadn’t thought she’d notice, I’d tried to hide the fact that I hadn’t worn it.

“Your engagement ring, you’re not wearing it. What are you playing at?” She said.

”I’ve taken it off,” I said then blushed.

“Why pray tell?” she said her dark brown eyes waiting for my answer.

“I don’t want to have to explain it to everyone, once they spot it they’ll all want to know about Dan and I’m not in the mood to explain.”

“You know what Kitty? There is something wrong with you. Most people who are engaged can’t wait to flash their ring off like Jamia just did and talk about their fiancée. You need to do something about Dan,” she said but then we got interrupted by another set of security guards and Liz fumbled in her bag once again for the tickets to show him.

I honestly didn’t think she’d notice the ring. There was no harm in it; it was safely tucked away in my jewellery box. If anyone noticed it they’d want to ask me all sorts and I didn’t want to tell them about Dan.

I didn’t want to think about Dan at all at this moment.

We were ushered outside and the air was chilly at the top of the building. There were loads of cameras about, the lights were very bright and I had to squint slightly at some of the angles of the lights. There was a small crowd of selected fans at the front eagerly awaiting their heroes and other people, press and journalists, cameramen sitting in front of us. The security guard indicated for us to stand fairly near to the front, which I wasn’t expecting at all, we were about three rows back.

I was glad I’d brought a jacket and quickly put it on as I felt chilly, chilly and nervous and my heart started to pound. Suddenly Brian their manager appeared on the stage that had been set up and was talking to a few of the cameramen, pointing at stuff and scratching at his chin. The last time I’d seen Brian was that day when I’d got driven away by Ted, Mel in the front of the car and Liz beside me. Brian had been holding on to Gerard with Mikey, Frank was the other side of him and they were practically holding him up. I liked Brian, he was like a father figure to the guys when they were away and we’d always got on. I didn’t want him to see me and recognise me.

I didn’t feel prepared at all to speak to any of them and they were going to be on soon. I was going to hear their music again and I was going to see them.

I was going to see Gerard again and my skin tingled with anticipation.

**

“It’s fucking impossible to do star jumps in this getup,” said Bob attempting to do their ritual of star jumps before they went on.

“Yeah mine scratches a bit,” said Mikey fingering his collar and taking a scratch.

“You’ve never liked these outfits since I first thought of them,” said Gerard taking a final drag from his cigarette then stubbing it out into an ashtray nearby.

“No I like ‘em,” said Bob, “its just they’re not great star jump material,” he said.

“Mines quite comfortable,” said Frank fingering one of the gold buttons on his jacket.

“So’s mine,” said Ray picking up his guitar to start strumming.

“Five minutes guys!” Brian called out to them.

“Hey I forgot to tell you Gerard, Jamia saw Kitty and Liz in the elevator earlier,” Frank said starting to bite on his thumbnail and watching his friend’s reaction.

“They’re here?” said Bob. “I knew it, I knew it was a good idea of mine,” he said looking smugly at Gerard.

Gerard didn’t say anything just did some neck stretching exercises then reached for his bottle of water.

“Jamia said they looked good and Kitty has changed her hair colour.”

“I know,” said Gerard, “its brown.”

“You’ve seen her?” said Bob.

Suddenly everyone was looking at Gerard as he opened the water bottle and took a slug.

“You didn’t say you saw her dude?” said Mikey watching his older brother.

“Only from a distance.” Said Gerard screwing the cap back on the water bottle.

“So you didn’t get to speak to her to see how she is,” said Ray.

“No, I just called in to the gallery and spoke to Liz she said that Kitty was doing well. I saw her later that day. She looked good.”

“She always looked good,” said Ray.

But Gerard didn’t answer he was nervous, not only of playing their song to the world but of seeing Kitty. He was glad she had come, he was unsure as to whether she would or not but she’d come. It had been two years since he’d seen her and looked into her icy blues.

Two long years.

This was the girl that he had spent nearly 10 years with, he’d loved her to death and he was suddenly nervous of her.

“You’re on guys, come on” shouted Brian.

They all took a deep breath and went out onto the rooftop to let the world hear their new song.

**

He was the last one I saw coming out of the door, usually he was the first but that was Frank, followed by Ray and his marvellous hair but his once huge afro had been cut slightly shorter I noticed, then there was Mikey, without his glasses. How come? I thought to myself. Bob was next and I felt Liz alongside me stretch her neck to get a better view of him.

Then there he was with a flash of white blonde hair, very blonde, blonder than I’d imagined it ever could be.

Gerard.

He looked amazing and I liked his new style immediately.

They were all dressed in some sort of military get up, they looked very smart and a lump formed in my throat.

They were talking to the interviewer for a while and I shivered hearing his voice again and I couldn’t stop staring at him, he looked so different from that last night when he’d worn long shorts with a black hoody that he’d first worn the very first day we’d met it was that old. He’d had on his beaten up old trainers that had a split in the seam, his hair was long and black and he had remnants of the previous night’s make up from their gig around his eyes.

He looked so different, totally different, but still just as lovely.

The interviewer turned to the TV cameras and had a small chat with the guys who talked about their new album and then I watched as they took their positions.

All was quiet when a haunting piano tune could be heard followed by Gerard’s voice, that too haunting and once again different from anything of there’s I’d heard before.

It was a beautiful song and I knew it would be a hit, I sat through about two thirds of it then I had to leave, Gerard was standing in front of me up on the stage. I was about three people back but was scared suddenly of making eye contact so I made my way through the crowd back into the room that we’d walked through earlier.

I followed signs to the ladies room, still listening to the song as I went but when I got to the ladies room I checked myself in the mirror and burst out crying.

I cried for the guys and all that they’d achieved, I was highly emotional and couldn’t believe that I was crying, it all came out. I grabbed some tissues from my bag and blotted around my eyes where my make up had slightly run then quickly dabbed my face with some water.

I took a huge sniff then brushed my clothes down and left the ladies and went back out into the room.

A security guard asked me if I was OK and I told him that I felt slightly unwell and that when my friend came back in we would probably get a taxi home. He told me to go through to another room in the back where I’d would find some drinks for the after show get together party that everyone was having.

I grabbed a bottle of water and unscrewed the cap taking a huge gulp from it. Then I felt the room begin to sway slightly.

“Are you OK madam?” I heard a waitress say to me.

“Um… not really, I feel slightly dizzy, I think I need to get my friend, she’s wearing a green dress and she’s out there watching the show.”

“Its OK, we’ll find her,” said the waitress, “come through here, we have a rest room, I’ll see if I can see your friend,” she said then disappeared.

I felt better immediately, I had been just slightly overwhelmed and within 5 minutes the waitress put her head round the door. “Your friend is just coming,” she said. “How are you feeling now?” she kindly asked.

“Actually I’m OK, I’ve made a fuss over nothing,” I said slightly embarrassed at the fuss I’d caused.

“Well if you want anything, I’m just outside,” said the waitress who was smiling and didn’t seem put out at all. I hated thinking I was wasting anyone’s time.

“Thanks for you help,” I called out after her.

I stood up then but felt slightly wobbly again so sat straight back down. The door opened and standing there was Liz and I thought once again how pretty she looked, she’d made a real effort tonight.

“Are you OK? The waitress came and said that you were ill. We’re just all coming in now, the show has finished.”

“Oh… sorry Liz, I just felt…weird. I’m not too bad now. Shall we get someone to get us a taxi and then we’ll head off?”

“Actually…” she said glancing away slightly.

“You don’t want to leave yet do you?” I said kind of knowing that this would happen. “Its OK, you stay and have fun and I’ll get someone to call me a taxi. Its fine,” I said noticing that Liz looked guilty all of a sudden.

“Thanks Kitty, I’d like to stay.” She said.

“Don’t be stupid, you want to stay then you stay. Have you seen any of the guys yet?” I asked.

“Um… Gerard came up to me just now,” she replied.

“Oh.” My heart stopped for a minute.

“I told him how wonderful the song sounded. Didn’t they just look so good in those outfits? You know what they say about men in uniform.” She said raising her eyebrows.

“I know what they say,” I said rolling my eyes at her.

“Listen, I’ll just go back and tell the security guard to grab you a taxi OK?” she said. “One of them is really friendly, I’m sure he won’t mind taking you down in the elevator when it arrives.”

“That’ll be great, thanks Liz,” I said standing up and going over to the window.

I was still staring out the window, my mind going back to what Liz said about them dressed in their uniforms. They did look great, so smart and Gerard looked wonderful with his blond hair. It had been hard to imagine it blonde but now I’d seen it I realised how it suited him.

The door opened and I turned to Liz but it wasn’t Liz standing there.

It was him.

Gerard.

He was just standing there grinning widely at me.

And it was that grin. The grin he always gave me.