Note to Self: Just Breathe

The day after Aidan visited me it was my father. Then the day after it was Blake. I was shocked when he walked through the door, but even more to see he had flowers with him.

“Hey,” he spoke.

“Hi,” I said quietly.

I glanced down at my hands which were in my lap, staring at them intently.

“My mother made me get flowers,” he told me, handing them to me.

I was never really a fan of them so I had no idea what they were, but they were still beautiful.

“Thank you,” I told him.

He slumped down in the chair next to the bed, before looking up at me.

“You idiot, Willow.” He said tiredly. “Why are you doing this to yourself?”

I took that as rhetorical question and ignored him. “I’m disappointed. I didn’t think you was capable of doing this to yourself—I thought you was smarter than this,”

“Why do you care? You hate me, remember?”

“I could never hate you, Willow. I love you too fucking much,” he admitted.

I was about to speak when Diana came in. She was holding my antidepressant tablet with some water.

“Need to take these, babe,” she told me.

I nodded and swallowed the tablet without water. Blake didn’t know I was on antidepressants and I didn’t want him to know.

“What are those tablets?” he asked.

“Antidepressants,” Diana answered before I got the chance.

“What?” Blake asked. He turned to me, “Why you on them?”
Once again I opened my mouth to speak but Diana got there before me, “Not much of a boyfriend, are you?” she teased. “She’s been on them since she was 11,” she left after that.

Idiot.

“Well thanks for telling me, Willow!” he almost screamed.

“I didn’t want you to know,” I persisted, calmly.

“We went out, Willow. Does that mean nothing to you?”

“I didn’t want you to know,” I repeated. “It’s embarrassing and shameful and you’ll think I’m some weak little person,” I explained.

He didn’t reply and slumped into his chair again.

“What’s going on between us, Willow?” Blake asked.

“I love you,” I told him, hoping them words would make everything else okay.

“I know, but I don’t know if I can trust you anymore,” he looked at me. “I’m still moving away, Willow.”

I nodded my head in defeat. “I don’t want you to go,”

“Perhaps it’s for the best though. Maybe it’s time to just break apart,” He said, looking down at his feet. I gulped when he said that, trying to hold back the tears.

“You don’t mean that,” I said, my voice wobbling. He was quite for a while and when he looked up his face had hardened.

“I do mean that. You’re not good for me, Willow. It was fun while it lasted but it would never last. I’ve changed since I meet you. You changed me—and I don’t like this new me.” He told me.

I gulped back the tears that were threatening to escape. In my mind I was telling myself he didn’t mean it, but my heart was telling me he did. I wasn’t good for him. I had hurt him.

He stood up, walking towards the door. “Get well soon, Willow,” he told me in an emotionless, detached voice.

“This is going to be the last time we see each other in a long while, isn’t it?” He nodded.

“Then thank you, Blake.”

He walked away after that, and I let the tears stream down my face. I bit down on my hand, trying to stop the loud sob breaking through my body. The moment Blake was gone from my sight I felt my heart tear in two. I used to be love struck but now I was just fucked up. Words are like bullets; and they kill as good as any gun. And there was no one who knew that more than me.