The Disease Called Men

Don’t be rude to telemarketers. They have feelings too.

Cerise’s different way’s to answer the phone:
1. Sorry I do not speak English except for this sentence.
2. I’m dead right now, but I’ll be with you in a moment.
3. Sam’s whore house, you got the dough, we got the hoe!
4. Don’t answer it and hope someone else does.



Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.

Glancing around, I began fidgeting the hem of my shirt. I could feel my heart beat erratically. I was already having second thoughts about this. Great. What have I done?! Why did I get myself into this?! Really, what possessed me into thinking it would be perfectly fine to meet with him?

Okay, rewind: I agreed with Travis and we arranged a time after school so we could conspire more ideas.

Conspire. It was not a ‘date’ as my mother would think it to be.

Fast-forward to this very moment: It was now the agreed time – half past four, to be exact – and for some reason I began to pace up and down the pavement. The student president plotting with the school’s delinquent to separate the two schools? Oh dear.

“To think you would actually show up. Huh. Thought you wouldn’t have.”

Upon hearing that I immediately spun around. I frowned at the sight my sorry eyes had to see. Travis finally made his appearance! But somehow, just looking at him made me want to throw my arms in the air. Messy hair, with a discoloured shirt not tucked in, collars propped up. He had his trousers slightly baggy and hanging a bit too low for my liking. And his shoes, well his shoes weren’t even part of school regulations! And that facial expression? Oh, that expression clearly stating he could care less, I felt my eye twitch.

“What, pres? Don’t like what you see?”

I quickly looked away. “You’re thirty minutes late! And you’re not wearing the uniform correctly!”

“Soz, had some stuff to clear first.” Travis half-heartedly shrugged and looked at his shoes. “I guess that would annoy you, with you being pres and all.”

Whatever let’s get this over with. “Fine.” I shook my head and sighed, trying to ignore his obvious uniform misconduct. “Well, whatever. How exactly do we do this?”

“Firstly, we need to be more discreet.”

I stared at Travis.

Shaking his head at me, Travis elaborated slowly, “It’s already suss if we’re suddenly hanging out. And it’s not going to do any good for us, plotting about the school while we’re on school grounds, surrounded by so many students and teachers, would it?”

Well, yes, he did have a point.

“Then where do you say we go? The out of bounds area outside the school grounds?” I certainly hope not my favourite place.

The look Travis gave me somehow strongly reminded me of my look I give to fools.

“A more casual place. Like a…” Travis looked around the school gardens for an inspiration. His eyes landed on a middle aged, rotund teacher, “a place to eat.”

“Yeah okay.”

“I know the perfect place. It’s one of my favourite spot.”

I’d like to repeat, mother: to conspire, not a date.



After a quick fifteen minute stroll we arrived at a pretty picturesque cafe. As soon as we entered, the nauseating smell of candles slapped me. The candles reminded me of my mum’s soy candles back at home. The cafe had bare brick walls with interesting interior decor – mismatched up cycled furniture scattered strategically and eccentric mix of vintage typewriters, hanging metal birdhouses and wall mounted art prints.

Wow.

“Welcome and good afternoon! I’ll be looking after you two today. Would you like a drink to start with?” The young waitress asked, as she handed menus to Travis and I.

I quickly glanced at Travis. To be honest I couldn’t decipher what half the menu meant. I hadn’t realised Travis was some sort of urbanite coffee snob.

“A soy flat white and a,” Travis glanced at me and stroked his chin, “well, how about a caramel chai for her.”

“Sure, it won’t be a moment.”

Travis handed the menus to the young waitress.

“Oh and sir?” The waitress cleared her throat, “Sorry if this is a bit forward, but are you a two a couple?”

Excuse me? I have never been so insulted. I glared at Travis. I guess he was pretty offended by that assumption too.

“How ridiculous!”

“Oh, hell n – ”

“Because there’s a special promotion for couples,” the waitress reasoned, “our manager just got engaged.”

Pause.

“Now she thinks everyone in love should be happy,” she laughed rather bitterly and rolled her eyes in contempt, “So half price on meals. Yay.”

Brain reconsidering. Awkward cough.

“How ridiculous… I mean, isn’t it – it obvious enough?”

“Oh hell yes, we are a couple – ”

The waitress smiled, a little forcefully, I noticed. “Okay, I’ll keep that in mind when I give you the bill.”

“A couple of people who share the same goals and nothing more,” I murmured as the waitress left. “Anyway, what is this place?”

To my surprise Travis immediately brightened up. “This place is hidden and a little hard to get to but it’s surprisingly close to the school. It’s one of my favourite places that no one really knows about. They serve wicked drinks and aren’t shy with meal portions.” Travis quickly looked away and cleared his throat. “Anyway, onto business. What are your ideas? Have you found the weakness of the staff and tried using it against them?”

“Tried that.”

“Really?” Travis leaned forward in interest. “What was it?”

“Um, I asked the bald, uh, the male principal…”

Groaning, Travis smacked his forehead in frustration. “And did that work?”

“Well, no…”

“Obviously! You can’t rely on daddy dearest here, can you! I don’t mean something light like that. I mean,” Travis shrugged and looked around the restaurant. “Uncover a sex scandal or something. Catch a teacher with embezzlement. Stuff like that.”

“What?! That’s hectic!” I stared at him in disbelief.

“It seems like that, but the truth will set you free.”

I chuckled at the context he had put that phrase in. “Okay, but I’d still feel bad…”

“Have you not heard of ‘the greater good’? Do you want to do this or not?”

‘Greater good’, huh? I hadn’t thought of it like that. Well, obviously I wanted to do this. Wasn’t our school better off before? I frowned, “You know, I never really asked you why you hated co-ed or our schools combining…”

“Have I ever asked you?”

“No?”

“Exactly.”

I frowned. “But that doesn’t answer anything.”

Travis sighed, “I’ll spell it out to you. It means my reasons shouldn’t matter to you, since your reasons don’t matter to me. As long as our goals are the same, that’s enough.”

“That’s a bit… a bit impersonal, don’t you think?”

“Impersonal?” Travis sipped on his drink, “Do you want to get personal then?”

Well, no, not really. “Touché.”

“Actually, since we’re on the topic of questions, I’ll ask you one.”

“Yeah?” I looked up and Travis and began to sip my drink. Whatever Travis ordered, he picked the right one. It was so good!

“Can’t believe you’ve never tried that before,” mumbled Travis as he smirked and shook his head. “You close to Nikko?”

I snorted and choked on my drink. What the heck?! “Wh-what?! Why do you care?”

“I don’t!” Travis shrugged and shifted, “I’m just curious. You two are always together.”

“He’s a student council president! We’re bound to be together at one time!”

Travis didn’t look convinced. “Really? You were having lunch together the other day.”

“What the hell?” I shook my head in disbelief at this guy. “Are you some sort of stalker? Don’t just assume things. Because we’re both presidents, we will have to spend time together. It’s natural. Don’t be ridiculous. Gosh.”

Travis sipped on his drink and looked out of the window. He looked unconvinced. “Huh.”

“Why? What’s up with these questions? You jealous?” How suspicious.

“Of what? Being a president?” Travis snorted. “Hell no! Get that shit away from me.”

I frowned. “I meant Nikko.”

“There is no way in hell would I be jealous of him.”

He didn’t get it. He must really be an idiot. “No, I mean, jealous I was with him that day.”

“The hell? No! What the hell made you think that?!”

“I don’t know… Why do you want to talk about him in the first place? Are you in love with him?”

“What the fuck? Don’t misunderstand.” Travis’s brown eyes narrowed. “I don’t know him anymore.”

Anymore? “What? Did he change or something? You two break up?”

“Or something.” Travis scoffed at the thought. “And fuck off. I’d rather have nothing to do with him, the asshole.”

Must have been a really ugly break up.

“No, stop thinking. Anyway, we’re getting distracted.” Travis shook his head. “Let’s figure something out. Sort out plans. How about you find any dirt on your teachers and I’ll try to find some on mine. This shouldn’t be too hard. We’ll report back, yeah?”

“Sure, how and when?”

“It’s not safe to constantly meet up in public, and it’s downright suss if we try to do it privately, or where others can see us. We’ll need to be stealth. I’ll text you or call you.”

“Oh, okay. That makes more sense.”

“Of course it does, and put my name or number on private or on an alias.” Travis handed me his phone.

Frowning at Travis, I took the phone and got mine out. “Why an alias?”

He sighed. “In case someone checks your phone or asks you who you’re texting or calling or something.”

I thought for a moment. “Wow. You’re really sneaky. Are you some sort of secret night time gigolo? You’re not cheating on Nikko, are you?”

This time Travis choked on his drink. “Huh? What the hell?”

Shrugging my shoulders, I looked away sheepishly, “I don’t know, it’s just suss.”

“Why the hell would you think that? If I really was a gigolo I wouldn’t need to go to this hell hole of a school.” Crossing his arms, Travis glared at me. “And cheating? Why bother? I’d just get it over with, I’d break up. And enough about that dickhead.”

That sounded harsh, but I could see his point. “Sorry, sorry. It just seemed like what a sneaky person would do…” I mumbled.

“The hell. Just because I’m the type that does things thoroughly, doesn’t mean I’m that type. Ugh. Women. Pain in the ass. As if one wasn’t enough trouble, why the hell would I want two?!”

Oops. Perhaps this was a touchy subject. I decided to quickly drop the subject. “Okay, sorry, let’s focus on our plan…”



I was completely drained. Although planning with Travis was interesting, we were going nowhere and honestly meeting him had worn me out. He was exhausting and hard to keep up with.

I kicked my school shoes off and flopped onto our couch. I didn’t even care I was in my uniform. I was finally home! I decided to go visit home for the night. Change the pace, change the environment.

The phone rang. I quickly got up and picked up the phone. Private number. Huh. Second to loose change, I hated private numbers. And I knew the best way to answer them.

“Goldenburg city morgue. You kill ‘em, we chill ‘em. How may I help you?'

Silence.

Though I knew there was someone on the other side as I could hear soft breathing. Finally, I heard a long sigh.

“Is this Cerise?”

Crap. A guy’s voice? I had no idea who this was. Guess I’ll just play along.

“Cerise? Hmm… Let me check.” I quickly shuffled some papers to make it seem believable. I flopped back onto the couch. “No, sorry, there is no ‘Cerise’. Sir, are you sure she’s dead?”

“…I know this is you, Cerise.”

“No, there’s no Cerise. Oh, but we do have a Chantel? Perhaps she is the one you’re looking for?”

I heard another sigh. “This is Nikko.”

Nikko? I frowned. Why was he ringing me and how the heck did he get my home number?!

“I got it from the student council book. It has our details on it.”

Ack. It was like as if he read my mind! “You? You’re abusing your power! Corruption!”

“What time is it?”

I held the phone away and gave it a disgusted look. What? Did he just go through all the trouble of finding my home phone number, only to just to ask me the time? Who does he think he is?! Has he not heard of an invention called a ‘clock’ or a ‘watch’?! Even mobile phones and microwaves had the time on them too!

“Cerise, what is the time?”

I continued to stare at the phone in disbelief.

I heard another deep, tired sigh. “…Do you even remember what we were talking about today?”

Huh? What was talked about today? We talked about plenty of things! Classes, homework, was Ayano really dating that shifty senior… Actually, to be honest I couldn’t remember.

“We agreed to have a meeting about the school fete after school, remember?”

Oh crap. Sudden realisation hit me. I had missed the student council meeting. Was he calling me for that? Of course he was. He probably also wanted to know why I didn’t come and what I was doing. Oh crap.

“You forgot, didn’t you?”

I racked my brains to think of an intelligent response. I began to panic inside. Crap. How would I tell Nikko why I didn’t come to student council meetings? Maybe like: ‘Sorry Nikko, I didn’t come to the meeting. It’s because I was too busy plotting to shut down the school with your best friend-not’?

“…Where are you now? Will you be heading back to the dorms or staying home?”

I shuddered as to what may happen if I said that. I began to think of different excuses or ways of grovelling.

“Uh…”

I am so intelligent.

“Cerise, you do know where you’ll be tonight, right?”

“Of course I do!” Condescending brat. Do you take me for a fool? “I’ll be at home!”

Dammit.

“Oh. Okay. That won’t be too hard then. Maybe twenty minutes then…”

Wait, what?

“I’m coming over.”

Why?!

Even though I couldn’t see him, I could tell he was giving me his look of disgust. “Cerise, has it not occurred to you how important it is for us to start organising the school fete? I’ll be over in twenty minutes.”

“Wait, Nikko!”

“What?”

“I… uh…” I racked my brains to think of an excuse. “It’s six thirty!”

“…”

“Cerise?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ll see you at six fifty.”

I needed to prepare myself mentally! And, and… Oh crap! My family was home today! “No, no! Don’t come! This is a bad idea – ”

…

“Hello? Nikko?”

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Oh crap. Shit is going down.