I Know You Are, But What Am I?

And you take my hand
You lead me to dance
A cigarette love story
Ends with a kiss

Lets go out
It is last call
Maybe next time I'll look before I fall

'Cause that's when you shot through my heart
Well, you had me right from the start
A critical shot to the heart
Now my whole worlds falling apart
'Cause you shot me straight through the heart

No satisfaction, no guarantee
All I know was I feel you in me
I look around; this place is a mess
I feel the air through the holes in my dress

Now it's so damn cold
Here in my soul
And you'll never know it
But I let you go

Monday, April 18th, 2009

I leant back against the fake leather couch and watched as Mike stood and walked into the kitchen area. He grabbed two glasses from one of the cupboards and filled them with water from the tap. On his way to the back room, he noticed my bags on the table.
As he sat down, he handed me one of the glasses. “So, you’re a photographer then?”
I looked at him sceptically. Is he actually trying to make conversation?
“Uhh, yeah.”
“Wow, a photographer and a journalist. You must have your hands full,” he let out a small laugh as he looked at me.
He looked unguarded. Happy. My heart skipped a few thousand beats as I stared back into his dark eyes.
I broke eye contact with him after what felt like hours but was probably only seconds. I looked down into the untouched water that he had given to me.
“AJ, is something wrong?” He sounded genuinely concerned.
“What are we doing here?”
His brow furrowed and he put down his glass of water next to him on the floor. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, what are we doing here? We hate each other, but we just fucked? Mike, that isn’t normal. Also, you might not have noticed, but the entire tour thinks I’m a whore because of you.”
Mike leant forward and let his head fall into his hands with his elbows resting on his knees. I felt the urge to touch him, to comfort him in any way I could.
“You know what? I’m over it. Just leave, please.”
There was no anger in his voice at all. None. I could have been wrong, but what I thought I heard was actually hurt.
My heart stuttered again. Does that mean he actually cares? That the player has a heart? No, of course not.
I quickly pulled all of my clothing back on. I took the glass of water he had given me and walked to the kitchen area and poured the water down the sick. I watched with a sick satisfaction as it fell down the drain and then placed the glass softly on the side. I grabbed my bags and walked towards the door.
I stopped just short of the door, “You know, you’re acting like the nice guy in all of this, but you’re not. Face it Mike, you’re a player, and no one is ever going to change your ways. You are leading me on and you know it. Just leave me alone.”
My voice didn’t break once. Not once. At least, not until I said alone.
I quickly ran down the stairs and escaped the Pierce The Veil bus, half running to my own. I glanced at my watch and realised that it was only 3PM.
I pulled out my phone and texted Kassi to handle everything for the rest of the day.
I took the stairs two at a time and practically dove into my bunk. I wrapped myself in my blankets even though I was sweating and waited for sleep to come.
I didn’t cry, though, I can promise you that.

Mike’s POV
I handed the glass of water to her as I took a sip of my own.
I tried not to watch her too much as her perfect chest rose and fell, showing that she was still slightly out of breath. I knew the water was a good idea.
I attempted small talk but she didn’t seem very receptive to anything I had to say.
Then she said it. She asked the question that I knew was just around the corner.
“What are we doing here?”
I tried to feign cluelessness, hoping she would let the question drop and let the tense atmosphere that was surrounding us disappear.
“I mean, what are we doing here? We hate each other, but we just fucked? Mike, that isn’t normal. Also, you might not have noticed, but the entire tour thinks I’m a whore because of you.”
FUCK.
I knew I shouldn’t have told anyone. I knew it would come back to bite me on the ass. I knew it would hurt her. And that was the last thing I wanted to do.
But I could see that she wasn’t the one that was going to get hurt by this. She didn’t care at all.
I leant forward and put my head in my hands so she wouldn’t see the hurt on my face. I at least wanted to be left with a shred of dignity when she was gone.
“You know what? I’m over it. Just leave, please.”
I could have sworn that I saw her hand twitch out of the corner of my eye, that she was about to reach for me. But as soon as I noticed it, her hand started to move away from me, putting her glass down and covering up her gorgeous body with her clothes.
I almost stopped her. I almost tore the clothes off her right then. If she had no clothes, she could never leave my bus, right?
She took the glass to the kitchen and stared as she poured the water down the sink. She grabbed her bags and walked to the door.
“You know, you’re acting like the nice guy in all of this, but you’re not. Face it Mike, you’re a player, and no one is ever going to change your ways. You are leading me on and you know it. Just leave me alone,” She said once she reached the top of the stairs. I thought her voice cracked on the last word, but I wasn’t sure.
“You could change me,” I muttered. But she never heard because she had already ran off of the bus.