This Loneliness Is Killing Me

All of us sat around in the living room in and uncomfortable silence.

Ashley had Mason’s arm wrapped around her and she was staring down at the ground clearly feeling a bit awkward.

There was this huge elephant in the middle of the room that no one wanted to talk about, but it was clearly there.

No one really liked Ashley all that much, mainly because of everything she put me through all those years ago, they had nothing but sour feelings for her.

“So, you guys are, like, legit dating then?” Scotty asked, the first one to talk in nearly 30 minutes.

Ashley nodded her head solemnly as Mason responded with a silent yes.

“Why, when? How’d this all happen?” Shaun asked rather rudely.

I elbowed him sharply in the ribs, “Dude, fucking chill out.” I whispered harshly at him.

“Sorry he’s being such a douche.” I apologized to Mason and Ashley, putting emphasis on the word douche.

“It’s alright.” Ashley smiled modestly, “We’ve only been together for a month anyway, but we saw each other for the first time in five years, like, two months ago at an airport when I was heading back to Vermont from here.” Ashley replied.

“Alright, sweet.” I replied, not knowing what else to say as everything fell silent once again.

“Alright, well, this silence is killing me.” Alex stated as she got up, “I’m going out for smoke.” She announced as she started walking towards the sliding glass doors that brought you into the backyard.

“I’m going to join you.” I replied as I got off of the couch where I had been sitting next to Shaun and followed Alex outside.

“Was it always like that when she was around?” Alex laughed lightly as we sat outside on the edge of the pool as Alex pulled out a cigarette and lit it up.

“No, but I never hung out with her.” I replied, “You shouldn’t smoke either.” I added jokingly.

“Oh please, darling. It makes me look classy.” She joked before she placed the cigarette between her lips and inhaled the toxic smoke.

I rolled my eyes and laughed, “Don’t you have a blunt or something you want to smoke? God knows you can deal with her sober.” Alex laughed.

“I do, actually, but Shaun kinda made me promise I wouldn’t get high when she was around.”

“Yes, because you can get high off a joint, just smoke one.” Alex smiled as she grabbed the silver cigarette container that stuck out of my pocket where I kept the joints I rolled up. “Here you go.” She smiled triumphantly as she took out a joint and handed it to me, setting the cigarette container on the ground in between us.

“You’re going to get me in trouble.” I laughed as I took her lighter and lit up the joint, inhaling the smoke slowly before exhaling all the smoke.

“So, tell me about the whole Ashley ordeal all those years ago.” Alex commanded as she took another hit of her cigarette.

“Where do I fucking start?” I laughed.

“From the beginning.”

“Alright, well she started dating Shaun, like, 8 years ago. Shaun and I were really; really close within the first year I met him. I mean, we ended up really liking each other and we actually fell in love with each other then, not when we got together, and he kept asking me to be his girlfriend but I kept turning him down because I was scared to be with him-“

“Why?” Alex interrupted.

“Because Shaun and I were best friends at that point and I didn’t want a relationship to ruin what we had. I had already ruined a friendship that way with someone else and I didn’t want that happening with Shaun. There was that and the whole fact that I loved him and was scared he would also completely destroy me and hurt me because he knew he could.”

“Why would he if he loves you?” She asked as I took a hit from my joint.

I shrugged lightly, “I don’t know, but it was what I was scared of. Anyway, when I kept telling him I was scared and shit he said he’d wait for me, he’d wait as long as it took but the moment I told him I was ready was when Ashley came along and he told me he was going out with her-“

“I’m confused, he said he’d wait and then he dates her?” Alex asked, slightly shocked.

“Well, it’s because I kinda fucked up too. I told him I loved him but still couldn’t commit to a relationship because I wasn’t ready so he got tired of waiting and started to move on.”

“Alright then, continue.”

“Ok, so ya, he started dating her and I was completely devastated because he basically destroyed me and that was what I was trying to avoid. So he started dating Ashley for a good year before it finally clicked in my mind that we were never going to happen so I started dating Oliver to get over him. Mind you I hadn’t seen Shaun since he started dating Ashley and I wouldn’t see him for another year or two. So I dated Oliver for two years, and he was great and all but he wasn’t Shaun. Then I saw Shaun again at the Olympics in Vancouver and that’s when everything started up again.”

“Ok, where’s Ashley in all of this?”

“Well Ashley was in Vermont for school or whatever, but her and Shaun were still dating and she actually came to Vancouver to watch Shaun compete, but the thing I think I hated most about her besides she was dating Shaun was that she was so fucking uptight about everything. She hated how much I swore, how I drank while underage, how I liked to skate without a shirt on, how I acted so much like a dude and how I smoked pot and didn’t act like a girl, so she was on my ass about every little thing.”

“Oh God, is she like that now?”

“Not too sure, but anyway, the whole Olympics thing happened and Shaun and I started to see each other a lot more and then we were all like ‘I still love you dude’ and everything but Shaun would never leave Ashley, he was, like, leading me on and eventually Oliver told me he loved me so we broke things off because I didn’t feel the same way, and then Shaun told me he was starting to fall in love with Ashley, so you can only imagine how upset I was about that, but eventually Ashley dumped him so we could be together and stuff, and just or whole relationship was extremely complicated but I never got along with Ashley or ever really forgave her for keeping Shaun and I from each other, and on top of that she was always the center of our conversations, I think Shaun and I stopped being friends on three separate occasions because of her.” I finished before taking another hit off my joint that had considerably shrunk since I had been talking for so long.

“You two are together now, so what’s the problem?” Alex asked as she finished off her cigarette.

“Ashley’s back and Shaun is extremely upset about it. Not the fact that she’s back but that she’s dating Mason.”

“Why?”

I shrugged lightly, “I don’t know. I mean, like I said, he told me he was in love with her, so maybe he’s still hung up on her, I don’t know? He told me he was upset because a guys best friend never dates their ex.”

“But he’s in love with you, he’s getting married to you, not her.”

“That’s what I said, but he said I have nothing to worry about, but it still pisses me off that he keeps complaining about it and how Mason hid the whole thing and is bringing her back into our lives after she made my life a living hell for three years.”

“Alright, so what would happen right now if Ashley walked in on us talking right now?”

“She’d flip at me for smoking a joint and at you for smoking a cigarette.” I laughed.

“Well, speak of the devil.” She mumbled as I quickly finished off my joint.

I heard Ashley walk on over to us before she sat down next to me.

“You haven’t changed a bit.” Ashley laughed, directing her statement at me.

“Um, thanks?” I replied, unsure of how to take that.

“It’s a good thing.” She laughed.

“Alright.” I replied as I grabbed the cigarette container and shoved it back into my back pocket.

“So, you and Shaun, you’re getting married huh?” She smiled.

“Yup, it’s kinda surreal.” I laughed lightly as Ashley took my left hand to look at the ring.

“I’d imagine.” She smiled, “You two look so happy with each other, it’s about time.” She joked.

“I’m going to let you two talk and stuff.” Alex smiled as she stood up and left; I shot her an evil glare as she left me alone with Ashley.

“I’m really sorry.” Ashley blurted out.

“For what?”

“For everything I put you through when I was with Shaun. I never meant to hurt you and I never meant to try and put a strain on what you two had. It wasn’t my intention and I’m really sorry. I’m also sorry for trying to tell you what to do and stuff. Believe it or not I’m envious of you.” She smiled.

Ashley’s apology caught me off guard. I wasn’t expecting her to apologize for everything she put me through. I didn’t even know she was aware of how upset I was with her and what she had put me through

“Why are you envious of me?”

“Because you aren’t scared to just do whatever you want. You don’t care about the consequences and it’s like nothing scares you. And because of that you get along so much with absolutely everyone. Every guy wants you and every girl wants to be your friend. You aren’t scared to try something new and you don’t acre about what other people say or think about you. That’s why I’m so envious, ‘cause I care too much about what other people think.” She confessed.

“Dude, it’s not that hard to just ignore everyone. I mean, not everyone is going to like you and once you accept that it makes it a whole hell of a lot easier to just be yourself and to do whatever you want without giving a shit about what other people say. Plus, once you get over that life becomes a whole lot more fun.” I laughed.

Ashley remained quiet and nodded her head.

“Anyway, I just kinda wanted to congratulate you two and stuff and say that I was sorry.” She smiled before getting up and walking back into the house.

Ashley definitely shocked me quite a bit when she apologized. Maybe she had changed, I don’t know. But what she did say definitely made me a bit less paranoid about how upset Shaun was that she was back in our lives. Maybe I really didn’t have anything to worry about.