This Loneliness Is Killing Me

Shaun and I had, what he had hoped to be, another day by ourselves. We never got a lot of time where we were really together; aside from traveling and photoshoots and interviews and such, our friends were always around which didn’t leave much time for just Shaun and I.

So we took advantage of our time together and went out for lunch to a restaurant by the beach.

It was nice, we weren’t bombarded by the paparazzi and having questions shouted at us to confirm we were still together. It seemed like the one time our relationship has some sort of strain on it that the paparazzi never catch it.

Although our whole day together had been amazing, I was still shocked to find Shaun wasn’t complaining or mentioning Ashley in every conversation.

It was nice, it felt like everything was getting back to normal and that Ashley had never come back. Of course I should’ve known it wouldn’t last long until he’d start up again.

I didn’t know it would only take an issue of Star magazine with Mason and Ashley holding hands to make Shaun blow up. I mean; I wasn’t sure if it was because they were holding hands or because the headline was ‘Shaun’s ex dating his soon to be ex-best friend?’

He didn’t blow up in public though; instead he got tense and blew up until we got home.

I remained quiet as I sat on the couch and played with my ring, occasionally looking up to watch Shaun pace back and forth as I ignored his current rant about Ashley and Mason.

“Shaun.” I whined, hoping he would stop as I continued spinning the ring around my finger.

“Oh, sorry.” He replied quietly as he sat down next to me on the couch.

“No you’re not.” I replied softly.

“I am.”

“Do you still have feelings for her?” I asked seriously as I stopped spinning the ring around my finger.

“What? No, I’ve told you that already.” He replied, a little shocked that I would ask that.

“I think you’re lying and I just want you to admit that you do already. It’d at least let me know that I’m right to be slightly concerned and nervous.” I stated as I looked at him.

“But I don’t.”

“You act like you do all the time though, Shaun! It’s always about her now and it’s pissing me off and making me nervous.”

“I’ve already told you that you don’t need to be nervous because nothing is going to happen and I love you.” He stated as he laced his fingers in mine.

“You really don’t make that believable. I think you’re still hung up on her and that makes me nervous. I’m scared you’re going to go back to her and that you won’t feel the same way about me anymore.” I replied.

Shaun remained silent for a moment before he pulled me into his chest and hugged me tightly.

“That’ll never happen, never, alright? I love you and I always will no matter what and you need to know that.”

“Than why aren’t things still the same as before she came along?” I snapped.

“Nothings changed Alison.” He replied blatantly.

“Yes, they have. You’re always talking about Ashley now and you barely tell me you love me anymore. Yesterday was the first time in two months that you told me you loved me back. Did you know that? Or were you too preoccupied with Ashley and Mason that you didn’t notice?”

“Ya, I noticed and I’m sorry. I really am. I know this upsets you and I’m sorry and I want things back to normal, but I can’t do that when Ashley’s in the picture.”

“And why not? It’s not like she hurt you, you both hurt me.” I shot back.

“I know, I know, I know and I’m really sorry. And I love you, but I don’t know what else to do.” He confessed.

“Just stop talking about her and start reminding me why I decided I wanted to marry you.” I replied, clearly upsetting him as he let me go.

“You’re not serious are you? You’re not seriously thinking about calling it off are you?” He asked nervously as I stood up off the couch.

“No, I’m not, because I know I love you, but I’m really starting to possibly think about it.” I threatened.

“You can’t be serious, can you? Over Ashley?” He asked, extremely shocked with what I had just said, “You know I love you and that’s why I want to marry you.”

“I am being serious Shaun. Could you imagine if I was s obsessive over Oliver as you are with Ashley? You’d be thinking the same thing I am. It’s hard to keep telling yourself your fiancé loves you when he’s still hung up on his ex from five years ago. You’re making it extremely hard for me to not think about it.” I replied as he stood up.

He wrapped his arms around me tightly, “I love you Alison, and I don’t know how many time I could possibly say it but I really mean it. I’m sorry and I’ll stop if it’ll stop making you nervous and will get you to stop thinking about calling everything off.” He replied genuinely as he kissed the top of my head.

I sighed heavily, knowing perfectly well that this is what he told me last time, but I decided to give him another chance anyway.

“I pinky promise.” He smiled when I looked up at him as he held up his pinky finger.

I smiled softly and latched my pinky finger around his.

“I love you.” He replied softly before he kissed me.

“Love you too.” I replied with a smile.