This Loneliness Is Killing Me

“I’ll be home late babe.” Shaun stated from the back door as he went to go get his skateboard while I sat on the couch, flipping through all of the channels.

I was only 7 weeks pregnant, not even showing, and he treated me as if I was on bed rest; he was spending all of his time boarding with Ashley and Louie around while I stuck at home, either alone or with Alex, it was depressing and lonely. I felt almost trapped in a one sided relationship.

I had another ultrasound next week and Shaun still knew nothing about us having twins. I had to tell him soon though, because this time he was making sure he was going to be there.

When it came to our future children, on what he thought was his future child, was when he acted most like we were in a relationship and we actually had plans to get married. It was sad; I was lonely to say the least.

I remember Ashley telling me about how much he would talk about me and I knew how he felt because he was constantly talking about her and what she had said or what she had done.

At this point I had tuned it out, but I wasn’t growing used to it. Hearing him talk about her all the time made me question if I still wanted to marry him, but even if I didn’t want to and just wanted to go back to dating I had to think about the kids we were about to have.

I wanted their father around and I wanted their father to be with their mom and not some other girl that they’d have to grow up around and question whether to call her mom as well.

I guess the saddest part was that I’ve told Shaun several times how I felt about her and that I wanted him home a lot more, but he’d generally just shrug it off so I stopped pestering him about it. I didn’t want him to think I was nagging or that I was turning into one of those girls that I really hated that constantly nagged at their boyfriends for talking to other girls.

“I love you.” Shaun said as he kissed my cheek.

“Love you too.” I replied monotonously, hoping he’d possibly change his mind and would stay home and away from her.

If she hadn’t had come back I know for a fact he would be spending each waking moment of the day with me because I was pregnant, I missed those days where he spent every second he could with me until we had to leave each other for a month at a time. I missed those times more than anything.

“You ok?” He asked as he sat down next to me.

“I’m fine.” I lied.

“No you’re not, what’s wrong?” He asked sincerely.

“Nothing, I don’t want to come off like I’m nagging because you’re going to go hit the ramps with Ashley, so just jet and I’ll see you later.” I replied honestly.

“You’re not nagging.” He replied as he set his board on the floor before taking my hand in his.

“I feel like I have to just to keep you home for a day.” I murmured, turning down the TV considerably.

“Well, you said you didn’t want me giving up everything.”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t chill with me for a day instead of with Ashley. I’m pregnant Shaun, not fucking contagious. You can’t catch pregnancy.” I replied.

“I know that.” He replied.

I sighed lightly, “Do you remember when we would spend every single second together before we had to go fly off to different countries for weeks at a time?” I asked seriously.

“Yes, but it just seems different now that you’re pregnant.”

“Can you please stop saying that, I’m not even showing and when people call me pregnant it makes me feel like I am, and it’s not because I’m pregnant, it’s because she came back.” I replied, referring to Ashley.

“That’s not true! And it’s only our families that ever really call you pregnant because no one else likes to say it because they just can’t see you like that.” He replied.

Yes, we had finally told our parents, we told them pretty much the day after the guys knew. They were more than ecstatic to say the least when we broke the news, the only people left to tell was the general public, and we were still iffy about that. We were still deciding on whether we should book it to another country and hide out until I’ve given birth.

“Look, do you want me to stay?” He asked.

“No, it’s fine, Alex should be stopping by anyway and I think she wants to go shopping.” I replied.

He nodded his head solemnly, “Alright, I love you though, a lot, and I mean it.” He replied sincerely before he kissed me softly and grabbed his board and left the house.

I felt like everything was falling apart and I couldn’t fix it no matter how badly or how hard I tried.

Nothing was going to be the same until Ashley was out of the picture, and I don’t think that’s going to be anytime soon.