This Loneliness Is Killing Me

“Could I stay at your place for a few days please?” I begged Alex from over the phone.

Two days later and things hadn’t gotten any better. I had talked to Shaun several different times within the last 48 hours, and still everything remained the same. He had basically shown me he really had no interest in being in a relationship with me; he made sure that message was sent across crystal clear, and I just couldn’t do it anymore.

I had my bags packed already and everything. I was going to stay in town ‘til the day of the ultrasound tomorrow, and leave early the next morning to head off to Silverton like Shaun and I had originally planned to.

We had planned to jet off to Silverton and stay at the house Shaun bought after Redbull had built him his halfpipe before the media could catch on and I’d deliver there without all the stress from the press; but looking at our current situation I wasn’t to sure on how keen Shaun was to tag along, he probably had better things to do with Ashley.

“Why? What about Shaun?” She asked.

“Things just, aren’t going over smoothly right now and I just need some time away from him, and hopefully this time away will get him to wake up.” I explained.

“Are you ok?”

I shrugged lightly, “I guess so.” I replied, truth was, I wasn’t.

“He still doesn’t know, does he?” She replied quietly.

“No, but I’m telling him the second he gets home and then I’m going to head over to your place, alright?”

“Alright, I’ll see you then.” She replied before hanging up, and not even five minutes later Shaun came home.

“Hey.” He said casually in my direction as he walked into the kitchen like he usually did after skating.

That’s what generally consisted of our hello’s nowadays. He’d say hey, walk into the kitchen and then would go skate in the backyard and then would forcefully talk to me during dinner and that was about it. There was next to no physical contact anymore and it tore me apart.

I felt so distant from him, I was supposed to get married to him and start a family with him, but I couldn’t have felt more anymore distant from him then I already do.

I took a deep breath and just decided to tell him, “I’m leaving.” I stated simply and clearly as I stood up from the couch and waited for Shaun to walk out of the kitchen.

“What do you mean you’re leaving?” He asked, confused.

“I’m leaving. I’m taking my stuff and I’m going to jet.” I replied simply.

“Wait, so you’re leaving me?” He asked hurtfully as he walked out of the kitchen to actually look at me.

“Well yes, but no.” I replied.

“No, you either are, or aren’t.” He stated simply.

“Well, I’m leaving, but I won’t be walking out the door as your fiancée anymore. Girlfriend, maybe, I don’t know, but I know I can’t agree to marry you anymore.” I said as I took off the engagement ring, trying hard to hold back any tears threatening to form.

“Are you serious?” He asked completely thrown off guard as he walked towards me.

“I’m dead serious Shaun, you’re putting no effort into this anymore, I’m not ready to commit myself to a one sided relationship, and you’re clearly not ready either.” I replied firmly.

“Why? And how am I not ready? I proposed, so clearly I’m ready.” He fought back.

“No, you’re not! I’ve felt so alone in the relationship since Ashley came around and since I told you I was pregnant! You avoid me like I’ve contracted the plague, and you’re constantly letting Ashley hang off of you! I’m constantly telling you this and you won’t change anything, I can’t do this anymore. You can barely look at me, talk to me, be in the same room as me, or show any form of intimacy. It’s fucking ridiculous and I can’t deal with this. We used to be so close and now I feel like I’m living with a stranger or someone who just doesn’t give a shit about me anymore.” I replied angrily as I handed the ring over to him, which he took hesitantly.

“You can’t do this.” He said quietly as he looked down at the ring.

“I just fucking did, and I wouldn’t have if you would’ve been there for me.”

“Please don’t do this, I’m sorry, I’ll fix everything, I promise.” He begged, looking back up at me.

“You already promised me you’d stop hanging around Ashley so much, and you did, for like two weeks before everything went back to normal. I can’t keep going through with this.” I explained.

“Please don’t leave me, just, please don’t go.” He asked softly.

“I’m not leaving you Shaun, as much as I should, I can’t. I love you too much to leave you, I’m just not marrying you anymore, I’ll still be your girlfriend and stuff, if you want, but I can’t wear that ring anymore and still believe that it’s the right thing for me to do.” I replied sincerely.

“Oh my God, you really are fucking serious about this.” Shaun said quietly as he played with the ring, “Please don’t go.”

“Why?” I asked flatly, “Because you love me, because I’m the mother of your children?” I snapped, deciding that right now was as good a time then ever to tell him about the twins.

“Children?” He asked confusedly.

“Yes, children, Shaun. We’re having twins, surprise!” I replied sarcastically.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because you avoid me when you think it’s one kid, so I was afraid to find out how you’d act once you find out it’s two kids.” I replied simply.

“Dude, I would’ve-“

“No, no you wouldn’t Shaun. Stop lying to me, alright?” I replied; I was growing short tempered with him and constantly telling me one thing then doing another. “Look, I’m leaving today, I don’t know if you still want to do the whole dating thing, but let me know. Until then, I need time away from you and vice versa. I’m going to the appointment with Alex instead then I’m jetting for Silverton.”

He simply nodded his head as he turned his attention back to the ring that laid in the middle of his palm, I knew he was upset, maybe even possibly heart broken, but he brought it upon himself, this wouldn’t have happened if he listened and kept his priorities straight.

I bit my lip and walked past him to go to our room so I could grab my suitcase and leave, and it was almost that simple until he stopped me at the front door.

“So this is really going down? You’re really calling everything off and breaking up with me?” He asked sadly.

“I’m not breaking up with you, I’m just not getting married to you anymore, unless you wanna break up, it’s all up to you now.”

“But I want to get married to you, I wanna be with you, I only see myself with you, not Ashley or anybody else. I don’t want us to be over.”

“It’s not over if you don’t want it to be, but I got to go.” I replied.

Shaun grabbed my arm and kissed me for the first time in weeks before he let me go, “I love you, I mean it; I really do love you.” He almost whispered as he put the ring back in my hand, “I don’t want it, I gave it to you for keeps.” He stated simply before letting me go, and like that I left, I just walked away completely unsure of where we now stood and if we were still a possible item.